Author single8259 Posted July 7, 2017 Author Posted July 7, 2017 You have no self-esteem if you believe a cheater can change his ways. Your wrong they can't. You want to be with a cheater then be with one. But we can't help you if you don't want to trust what we all know form our past experiences with cheaters. I know it had happen to me twice. I wouldn't want to be with a cheating woman. why in the world you would want to be with a cheating man. Don't say know it might work out because of so and so was a cheater and they got married and had kids. bla, bla.. Did you marry that man nope someone else did. You don't know what this guy is really like. Then there is STDS if can pick that up from any of the other women or cheaters he runs into that may or may not have. It can get messy. No cure for these STDs you know. You want to see where it goes it can go south it can go west it can go nowhere fast! You know coolheadal, I do not appreciate your unneeded and inappropriate insults. Calling me loose and now saying that I have low self esteem is just plain rude. It's also comical because it couldn't be farther from the truth. The reality is, is that you don't know me or this man. All you know is what you've read from a few paragraph's that I've written. Your responses reek of good old fashioned sexism and slut shaming. It's not hard to practice safe sex. You get birth control, use condoms and get tested regularly. I'm well aware of the risks. Honestly, I get everyone's reactions and I am reading all of them and keeping them in mind. He's a cheater, cheater's cheat and I've said that to him. The fact that we've been able to communicate is the reason why I'm still pursuing him. Also, we're not in a relationship, to me I need to know him much longer and better before I'd consider that. I'm not going to go into anything without being very careful. Here's a list of pros and cons: Cons: Cheated previously in other relationships Had sex with another woman (I did the same with another man). Is no longer seeing her because he wants to see me Pros: Has been honest and transparent about everything, he could have easily lied Leaves his phone with me unlocked while he goes to take a shower, I haven't snooped because I don't like being like that but I can Makes me laugh Communicates Listens and supports me when I'm upset Cares about my life Works insane hours as a server but makes time to see me Best sex of my life so far Have I mentioned how great the sex is? Makes dinner for me Animal lover like me Gives me backrubs Cuddles I actually like him and don't feel nauseous when he touches me I have no idea if this will pan out or even turn into a relationship but I am going to enjoy it while it lasts and get to know him better. I'd rather try and risk it then drop him without knowing for sure. A big part of it is that I've gone on hundreds of dates over the last several years and have a hard time finding this kind of chemistry. 2
Author single8259 Posted July 7, 2017 Author Posted July 7, 2017 Here's a thought: Next time he asks you, reply with "why do you ask this?" Seriously, he's the only one who can answer your question - and it's not silly of you to enquire why keeps asking this. Yes! I decided earlier that I'm going to ask him directly why he asks and specifically why he asks during sex. 1
Chilli Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 (edited) The only other reason a guy might ask this question is if the thought/vision of her being with another man helps him climax [/quote oops Edited July 7, 2017 by Chilli
elaine567 Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 . I'm planning on being patient and seeing where things go but I'm also tired of getting played. Obviously not tired enough. This guy is a self admitted serial cheater, what makes you so special that he will not do it to you? As for the "Are you sleeping with other men?" during sex I guess it is a turn on for him in some way. Do not confuse "jealousy" with caring, many women make that mistake. 4
Author single8259 Posted July 7, 2017 Author Posted July 7, 2017 Obviously not tired enough. This guy is a self admitted serial cheater, what makes you so special that he will not do it to you? As for the "Are you sleeping with other men?" during sex I guess it is a turn on for him in some way. Do not confuse "jealousy" with caring, many women make that mistake. You hit the nail on the head! He said it's a turn on and he's checking. I don't know whether he'd cheat on me or not, we talked and made an agreement that if either one of us wanted to sleep with or see other people that we'd be upfront about it. To me this is typical when starting to see someone new. You need to get to know someone before you really know if you want to make a commitment and it could go either way.
Gaeta Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 You hit the nail on the head! He said it's a turn on and he's checking. I don't know whether he'd cheat on me or not, we talked and made an agreement that if either one of us wanted to sleep with or see other people that we'd be upfront about it. To me this is typical when starting to see someone new. You need to get to know someone before you really know if you want to make a commitment and it could go either way. As someone who's tired of being played why don't you go for grounded men who understand the definition of *commitment*. If your sister had been played again and again would you tell her it's a good thing she is dating a man that has cheated several times in his relationships? And yes, when normal people are getting involved they end up making a commitment and things can go either way. In his situation, after making a commitment his risks of cheating are probably around 85% why risk it? 1
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 You hit the nail on the head! He said it's a turn on and he's checking. I don't know whether he'd cheat on me or not, we talked and made an agreement that if either one of us wanted to sleep with or see other people that we'd be upfront about it. To me this is typical when starting to see someone new. You need to get to know someone before you really know if you want to make a commitment and it could go either way. You need to get to know someone before you really know if you want to make a commitment and it could go either way -- This is a risk/reward situation. Given his upfront revelation regarding cheating numerous times, the risk outweighs possible benefit. And, yeah, sure you need to get to know someone before you can make a commitment and that's fine, but if they decide they don't want to commit, they need to end it . . . not keep it going and cheat instead. 3
Gaeta Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Pros: Has been honest and transparent about everything, he could have easily lied To me that's not being transparent, it's more about warning you he's been a serial cheater and to not act overly surprised when he cheats on you. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Exactly, it's a disclaimer -- "date me at your own risk and when I cheat on you, I can say I told you so and I don't have to feel guilty . . . " I bet if you could have a conversation with the other women he cheated on, they would tell you "he was at least honest with me". 4
kendahke Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Do you think I'd be posting here if everything was hunky dory and I didn't have any concerns? Of course I'm worried that if it ever did get serious that he would cheat. Thats why I want to enjoy the time I am spending with him and get to know him. I'm getting something out of this too and I've been around the block enough times to know what to expect. Then expect him to cheat eventually. My best friend has cheated in past relationships and she's been married, happy and monogamous for the last eight years. That's nice, but we're not discussing your best friend. We're discussing a man you barely know who has leveled this at you--he was basically putting you on notice when he said this. Ignore it at your own emotional peril. Ive been on soooo many dates with men that I felt nothing for. And I don't mean just one date and I make that decision. Again, non sequitur to what we're talking about. I don't think it's as black and white as he's a cheater, he'll always be a cheater. I'd rather see where it goes instead of cutting him out now and wondering if it could have been something. And in the meantime, can you keep your eyes and hands off his phone when he's not around? Can you stay off his computer when he's left his email program open? Can you honestly say you can go forward with absolute trust that his telling you what his past is -- and past is prologue -- will not pan out the same with you just because your best friend hasn't told you she's cheating on her husband (because the truth is: unless you've got her under surveillance, you don't know what she's doing until she tells you)? I've been hurt before. You're sad for a bit, you spend time with family and friends that love you and you move on with your life. Going out with a guy that I'm not into because on paper he's perfect doesn't mean that I won't get cheated on or hurt. Again, non sequitur. A man doesnt' need to be perfect to not cheat. Plenty of imperfect men don't cheat and don't make a lifetime's habit of cheating on all their past girlfriends/relationships. Once is an intentional mistep, twice or more is a pattern of behavior and your boy is in the latter group, not the former. 2
Zahara Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Pros: Has been honest and transparent about everything, he could have easily lied Leaves his phone with me unlocked while he goes to take a shower, I haven't snooped because I don't like being like that but I can Makes me laugh Communicates Listens and supports me when I'm upset Cares about my life Works insane hours as a server but makes time to see me Best sex of my life so far Have I mentioned how great the sex is? Makes dinner for me Animal lover like me Gives me backrubs Cuddles I actually like him and don't feel nauseous when he touches me Speaking from experience -- a cheater ex once told me when we were seeing each other that he had a lot of female friends. My first thought was, he's being transparent and honest. He could have kept it from me. Turns out it was a warning because when I did catch him cheating on me a couple of years into the relationship, his exact words were, "But you knew I had a lot of female friends." In his mind that was a warning. It wasn't transparency. Now you can't blame him for anything if he cheats on you because you knew the deal. As for the rest of the pros, I'm sure your boyfriend was being the wonderful man he is to all his exs. Cheaters often lavish you with their "amazingness" to cover up and distract you from their ugliness. 5
BaileyB Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Exactly, it's a disclaimer -- "date me at your own risk and when I cheat on you, I can say I told you so and I don't have to feel guilty . . . " I bet if you could have a conversation with the other women he cheated on, they would tell you "he was at least honest with me". Very true. He has given you his disclaimer - you have been warned... Is it a turn on for him to think that you are only sleeping with him, or is he turned on by the thought that you may be sleeping with other guys? Just curious. Both are disturbing, for different reasons. The STD risk would be enough to make me say - No thank you! But, to each their own. You seem to feel safe enough to be with him. I would not. 1
knabe Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Wow you said that here, ouch! Loose lips let loose sails then would be loose fit also. To me how would you say this so clean. Sloppy seconds is reffer to something else not this. Has to do with tightness or loose. That's why he said that. I don't want to get rude but that's what he meant. A guy can tell how down there is.. You need to study anatomy because you are completely off base. I've had two large kids and....let's just say it's confirmed there's no problem. OP, your date said what he said because he is a jerk with no emotional intelligence. Dump him. 3
kendahke Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 (edited) Been seeing a guy for over a month, we'd been texting for months previously and finally met. Pros: Has been honest and transparent about everything, he could have easily lied Leaves his phone with me unlocked while he goes to take a shower, I haven't snooped because I don't like being like that but I can Makes me laugh Communicates Listens and supports me when I'm upset Cares about my life Works insane hours as a server but makes time to see me Best sex of my life so far Have I mentioned how great the sex is? Makes dinner for me Animal lover like me Gives me backrubs Cuddles I actually like him and don't feel nauseous when he touches me You are still dealing with his representative and not the real him. The real him hasn't shown up yet. You've got about 2 more weeks of the good behavior to hook you in and then the real him will appear. You'll know when that happens because most of this list is going to retract at warp speed. The sex is always great when your nose is wide open, which is usually in the first 2/12 -3 month period. Then the real them show up and relationships that aren't on solid foundations fail. You're never on solid foundation with someone with a past of serial cheating. Edited July 7, 2017 by kendahke 1
coolheadal Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 You know coolheadal, I do not appreciate your unneeded and inappropriate insults. Calling me loose and now saying that I have low self esteem is just plain rude. It's also comical because it couldn't be farther from the truth. The reality is, is that you don't know me or this man. All you know is what you've read from a few paragraph's that I've written. Your responses reek of good old fashioned sexism and slut shaming. It's not hard to practice safe sex. You get birth control, use condoms and get tested regularly. I'm well aware of the risks. Honestly, I get everyone's reactions and I am reading all of them and keeping them in mind. He's a cheater, cheater's cheat and I've said that to him. The fact that we've been able to communicate is the reason why I'm still pursuing him. Also, we're not in a relationship, to me I need to know him much longer and better before I'd consider that. I'm not going to go into anything without being very careful. Here's a list of pros and cons: Cons: Cheated previously in other relationships Had sex with another woman (I did the same with another man). Is no longer seeing her because he wants to see me Pros: Has been honest and transparent about everything, he could have easily lied Leaves his phone with me unlocked while he goes to take a shower, I haven't snooped because I don't like being like that but I can Makes me laugh Communicates Listens and supports me when I'm upset Cares about my life Works insane hours as a server but makes time to see me Best sex of my life so far Have I mentioned how great the sex is? Makes dinner for me Animal lover like me Gives me backrubs Cuddles I actually like him and don't feel nauseous when he touches me I have no idea if this will pan out or even turn into a relationship but I am going to enjoy it while it lasts and get to know him better. I'd rather try and risk it then drop him without knowing for sure. A big part of it is that I've gone on hundreds of dates over the last several years and have a hard time finding this kind of chemistry. My dear there is not need to attack me. I would never come out and ask us why he said what you told us. Did this really happen? I get the feeling your keeping a secret here. We're all her to give you advice. I to come out with this I was like him but I wasn't a cheater I said the same thing to a women once. That's why I said that to you. Okay.. I am not lying but the truth hurts and I telling you GOD word and that's it! You can take this as whatever you want. No one is insulting you about what you said but the way you said it makes everyone wonder. This is something you should have just not mention. Well now everyone knows so your secret. I am not shamed by asking my prior ex-gf if she was loose down there. That makes her seeing someone else when I wasn't around. So then she would be classified as cheater. I told her the forest has to be full and not cut down. If you know what that is you don't have to repeat it. She would cut it down when I leave for a week. That's another sign they're cheating. Or take all my stuff out of the closet when I was leaving for a week. Why couldn't just stay in there. You have cheater you ask us for help. We all told you the truth. You should listen if not then your own your own with this. I wash my hands over this, because it's chaos now with you..
basil67 Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 My dear ..... Coolheadal, has anyone ever told you that calling a woman "my dear" when giving advice comes across as incredibly patronising? With a post starting this way, it's no surprise that the OP isn't responding to you well. 6
MidwestUSA Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Coolheadal, has anyone ever told you that calling a woman "my dear" when giving advice comes across as incredibly patronising? With a post starting this way, it's no surprise that the OP isn't responding to you well. Amen, sister! 4
Author single8259 Posted July 7, 2017 Author Posted July 7, 2017 Exactly, it's a disclaimer -- "date me at your own risk and when I cheat on you, I can say I told you so and I don't have to feel guilty . . . " I bet if you could have a conversation with the other women he cheated on, they would tell you "he was at least honest with me". I wish I could track them down and get their side of the story...Facebook...
preraph Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 If he's cheated, he will continue to cheat probably. That doesn't mean he wouldn't prefer that you didn't. This issue isn't anything a lot of men are fair and rational about.
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 I wish I could track them down and get their side of the story...Facebook... Nah, don't bother with that. Just end it with him so that you don't end up being tracked down by his next victim on Facebook. 3
Imajerk17 Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 You hit the nail on the head! He said it's a turn on and he's checking. I don't know whether he'd cheat on me or not, we talked and made an agreement that if either one of us wanted to sleep with or see other people that we'd be upfront about it. To me this is typical when starting to see someone new. You need to get to know someone before you really know if you want to make a commitment and it could go either way. It sounds to me that you are rationalizing this guy's behaviour. As far as the good stuff about him that you mentioned in another post, OF COURSE it is starting out well. Everyone is on their best behaviour early on. I agree w several other posters. Overall it is bizarre to me how you say the last thing you want is to be played again and yet here you are w someone who you know cheated on several (all?) of his past relationships. Talk about working against yourself! 5
SammySammy Posted July 8, 2017 Posted July 8, 2017 He could be sabotaging his relationships. Fear of commitment. Between acting insecure, suggesting infidelity, and actually bring unfaithful, he's doing a good job of avoiding commitment. Of course, there's a direct and positive way to do the same thing. Some people are just stuck in their self-destructive patterns.
Author single8259 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Posted July 9, 2017 We had a longer discussion the other night and he told me more about his past relationships. The two relationships he cheated in the woman was also cheating. Not that it makes what he did not a terrible thing but neither sound very healthy. His most recent 9 month relationship ended because she called him one day and said I want to have sex with someone and that's what I'm going to do, we can keep seeing each or we won't. He's lived in foster care most of his life, he doesn't have the loving family and friends that I have. I'm sure there's abandonment issues there. I think he asks if I've had sex because he's worried I have or will. He mentioned this last time that he's worried I'll get bored and seek something out. I said I wonder the same about him and we talked about what we each want and having the respect for one another to tell the other person if that's the case. I don't know, I really don't. I'm going to continue hanging out with him but keep focus on myself and my life. Normally I keep my options open and continue going on dates but I'm over online dating for the moment. I was planning on taking a break before I met him anyway. He's really sweet, we hold hands, cuddle and talk for hours before having sex. I know many men do this because it feels good in the moment and it doesn't mean anything long term. He said that we could stop having sex until he asks me to be his girlfriend if I felt more comfortable with that. In no way do I think that's a guarantee of any kind. It's only been a month, I'm going to proceed cautiously with no long term expectations.
coolheadal Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 We had a longer discussion the other night and he told me more about his past relationships. The two relationships he cheated in the woman was also cheating. Not that it makes what he did not a terrible thing but neither sound very healthy. His most recent 9 month relationship ended because she called him one day and said I want to have sex with someone and that's what I'm going to do, we can keep seeing each or we won't. He's lived in foster care most of his life, he doesn't have the loving family and friends that I have. I'm sure there's abandonment issues there. I think he asks if I've had sex because he's worried I have or will. He mentioned this last time that he's worried I'll get bored and seek something out. I said I wonder the same about him and we talked about what we each want and having the respect for one another to tell the other person if that's the case. I don't know, I really don't. I'm going to continue hanging out with him but keep focus on myself and my life. Normally I keep my options open and continue going on dates but I'm over online dating for the moment. I was planning on taking a break before I met him anyway. He's really sweet, we hold hands, cuddle and talk for hours before having sex. I know many men do this because it feels good in the moment and it doesn't mean anything long term. He said that we could stop having sex until he asks me to be his girlfriend if I felt more comfortable with that. In no way do I think that's a guarantee of any kind. It's only been a month, I'm going to proceed cautiously with no long term expectations. There you have your answer in a nutshell.. It's up to you to make the choice we all here have shared everything under-the-sun with you. I know I had gone out over board but he's cheater, you can't trust him at all. Once he cheats he'll always do it. If he had no cheating ways then you could. Holding hands, cuddling saying I love you with this sort of man would describe him as long term man. You have friends who married cheaters but in the end if the opportunity comes up they're always will cheat emotionally and physically. You seem to seem to like this sort of man, and that's it! The thrill of the minute. We all don't know him, but we do know he's a cheater goes from one woman to the other if he's bored he just keep on hunting for sex. I guess he felt you was like that when he asked you that question. Remember all men are not like him I never cheat, I've been cheated twice and I will never cheat. To cheat would be a sin under GOD. I am spiritual man I am not saying everyone is going to be like me but again for me to be Master Healer I have to be this way. For me to help out others emotional, spiritual, physical and mentally this is how I have to be. I am all about love as they say love driven I not using your time to talk about me. But you make the choice now if you want him then you go for it! Everyone will be happy for you including me.. Take care and GOD bless you! Amen
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