Altair0770 Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 So, I have moved on. Do I think of my ex? Sometimes. But mainly to boost my confidence to know I have found better. Some know of my situation. In October I got dumped in a LDR. It started off great, all online. Went to meet her and she freaked out when it got real. I had no idea what went wrong, and got depressed, needy, and clingy for 3 months before she ended it. I got super depressed, suicidal, and felt awful. I started checking her social media like a scrub (while not contacting her). She started seeming way more depressed than me. Instead of grinning, I felt very bad for her. I thought the reason she broke up with me was because of her mental illness, and having figured out that she had that illness before she even admitted it, I researched it and realized it's the worse you could possibly have. I felt so awful for her, and saw her as a broken child. When she started clearly missing me, I made the foolish mistake to come back. I instantly made her incredibly happy. Was talking with her for 2 months. Thought I was on the path to reconciliation. Then I realized she just used me and found someone else. She was very hesitant to admit that to me. I made a lot of scrub mistakes. I told her calmly that I'm not yet over her, and was hoping to reconcile, but if she chooses this other person over me, I need more time away from her. Told her to never be afraid to contact this number. She was sad, and cried. A few days later of pure anxiety, knowing that someone would be enjoying the girl I went through complete hell to call a girlfriend, I made the foolish mistake of bringing back old memories. She seemed uninterested, and it made me feel bad. A few days later of even more anxiety, I erupted and said I don't want to be a plan B. She got really upset and scared by it. A few days later, we talked voice to voice, and she, without hesitation, said that door is closed and she wants me to move on. Her tone, and the way she so easily said it crushed my heart. I thought she cared at least a little about me after coming back and making her so happy so quickly. But nope, she just wanted to eat her cake and have it too. I went NC, but immediately after I was very pissed off and went on a rampage on social media. Said some really nasty things. I did tell her to block me, but me being an idiot, she spied and saw it and got very hurt. I never thought this girl would contact me again. I thought maybe on my birthday she would. Nothing. So days turned into weeks and now 5 months later, after numerous therapy sessions from an actual therapist and my friends that have done numerous relationships, I realized it wasn't worth being depressed over someone that could use me, as Sweet would say, as an emotional tampon. Someone that would reap all the benefits I provide but not give a damn what I thought. So I started getting out and doing things that I really enjoyed. Things that got my mind off my ex. I started walking a lot, sometimes jogging. I tried to get out of the house every day, and when I didn't, I'd do things here that would get my mind off her. Eventually I started finding myself not thinking about her more and more. My therapist, discreetly, just said that you need to move on. That I'm a relationship person and can truly be myself in a relationship. This is true, as I'm often leading a group of people in just about anything I have experience and knowledge in. So, I went on a few dating sites. It was rough at first. I thought a girl was cute, but not as cute as my ex, despite that this girl was actually better looking. She just wasn't her. I scrolled through, winked a few girls, and did all the little things relationship sites have. I eventually found someone that I thought was adorable. Had some similarities physically to my ex, but I was extremely attracted to my ex so I didn't think I was just trying to replicate my ex. We eventually met about 2 weeks ago. I was nervous, and a bit down because it was weird meeting someone that I kind of wished was my ex. However, we had a great time. Started dancing and realized that some of the activities I adopted to better myself and get over my ex were things she enjoyed doing as well. We went and did some of those activities, and had a pleasant walk. I started feeling great immediately, and actually saw myself having a future with this girl. We're still dating to this day, and hanging out as much as we can. Besides schedule differences, we spend a good chunk of time together. I was going to make it official last night but we both got a bit drunk and I decided to wait until this weekend where we'll be visiting the beach. Now here comes my question. One I've read NUMEROUS times while being desperate to have my ex return to me. I have been in STRICT NC since she told me to move on. She still spied on my social media daily, and about 3 months I ran into a mutual friend. I said, "hey good to see you. But I don't want to hear anything about (my ex) and her partner". He told me that she "decided to not date for awhile". I knew this was instantly BS. She got rejected by the person she rejected me for. Took a gamble and lost. The question is.... well, read the title. Is moving on SERIOUSLY the secret to getting an ex back? Before you freak out, no, I would not take my ex back. The past year of my life has been the WORST because of her immaturity. I want to date a woman, not a little girl. And this one isn't a LDR, and she's just overall a better person. But I've read it everywhere. "Exes always come back". "the reason most reconciliations fail is because the dumpee doesn't want the dumper back". "They always come crawling back eventually". I thought this girl would never come back. Heck, she may not. I haven't had any "direct" contact from her. And I sure as hell am not going to initiate contact with her. If she does, I'd respond politely and how I said people should in my guide I made about 5 months ago. However, that mutual friend was from the game I met my ex in. He invited me to play it again with him, as he knew my exes schedule (I did not because of NC). I joined in, and ran into more mutual friends from that community. One night he logged off late. I know my ex likely hasn't moved and is 2 hours ahead, so I stayed up thinking there is no way she would get online. She did. We didn't have any contact, but she saw I was there and I clearly saw she was. About 3 weeks ago, that mutual friend mentioned she talked to him, and said she wouldn't be online when I was. That stung, and it felt like it was truly over and I had no option but to move on. I was feeling a bit down, but went on a walk with a friend who said, "I don't like when people come into a public restroom when I'm dropping a deuce, but it doesn't stop them, so I just ignore them". Essentially saying I should do what I want. I really enjoyed connecting with my old friends again. It made me feel happier, rather than bring back any nostalgia. 2 weeks ago (so one week after this), I meet the girl I'm now dating. I was excited, and posted on social media about it. My ex saw it. The following weekend my views and clicks on my profile skyrocketted. I knew it was her. I won't lie, I did take advantage of it a bit and posted how much I like this girl. So now cut to this week. I get invited again to play the game, was told my ex wasn't online. Well she was, and she was just hiding her status. Oh well, I wasn't going to go any area she was in. So I joined a group and was in an area having some fun, while my new girl was at work. Next thing I notice, my ex joins the map with one of her friends (I like to call them puppy dogs) and starts trying to get my attention. It made me giggle on the inside, but I just played it cool and ignored it. I also was just in the same area, but was far away from her in that area. It was just a global "map chat". After we were doing doing the entire map event, I left without saying a word to her or responding to anything at all. I was in this map far before she was, and without a doubt she joined because I was there. Yesterday was the 4th, so I had fun with my lady friend and some friends. Great night overall. Today she worked again, so I didn't get to see her besides dropping her off this morning. So I decided to hang out on the game as I was off most the day because I wanted to not worry about waking up at 7am to go to work after the 4th. Now it's a complete repeat of Monday. She knows I'm there, but this time now goes to the area I'm at. Some people tried cracking jokes at me (I don't know if the intent was hostile or not), but I played it cool and acted as if she wasn't there. The best part was that it didn't matter to me at all if she was there or not. It's just interesting to me how 3 weeks ago it was, "I'm going to avoid him at all costs" to now being "I'm going to try to get his attention at all costs". Without a doubt in my mind, she's trying to get me to break NC. I know it's risky, but this has given me a big confidence boost. A woman I was hoping would come back, thought never would, is now trying to get my attention. Maybe she'll contact me soon. Maybe she'll give up. Maybe she just wants to be friends. Maybe she just wants her own self confidence boost. Maybe she just will come back begging and crawling. Don't know, and honestly, don't care. I'll just take the gift of a confidence boost and enjoy being with this new girl that makes me extremely happy. So, is moving on the extreme secret that everyone says it is to getting an ex back? Here's what I learned in this entire process, to help my fellow Loveshackers that just got out of a relationship, or are feeling depressed. I don't want to give false hope that an ex WILL come back, because sometimes they don't. I truly believe it is determined by these factors. - Your life is going much better than theirs after the breakup (Grass wasn't greener) - You have improved yourself - You have moved on quite a bit, at least to the point you don't want them back - You were GREAT in the relationship. Not an abuser, not a cheater, not an overall douche bag - You were in No Contact - They wanted to be friends (legitimately) and you had none of it I've always told folks here - the best way to prove to an ex you loved them and cared for them is what you did in the relationship, not after. This also goes for the dumper. There is nothing you can do to get them back besides move on. THEY HAVE TO MAKE THE DECISION THEMSELVES TO COME BACK. But is this really the secret? Just moving on? What are your thoughts?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) But I've read it everywhere. "Exes always come back". "the reason most reconciliations fail is because the dumpee doesn't want the dumper back". "They always come crawling back eventually". This is just not true. Some exes come back, but certainly not all. I say that having been on both sides of the coin. It's false that they "always" come back. I have dumped and never looked back, and been broken up with and we both moved on. I've been out of touch with a couple of exes for several years now and the chances that we will ever reconnect are slim-to-none. Why? Because the break-ups happened for a reason and it really was the best decision in the end. Sometimes two people really do part ways for good. In fact, I was happy to hear one of those exes had met someone else because he really was a good man, but not the right guy for me. So, no, moving on is no guarantee an ex will return. It's healthy to move on, in any case. If the dumper left on an impulse or has grown and learned what went wrong, they might circle back again when they hear you are dating a new person. But that isn't usually a good sign, because it means they weren't really interested until they realized you were with someone else. In other words, they might not be coming back for the right reasons but rather to soothe their egos. Edited July 6, 2017 by ExpatInItaly 2
Author Altair0770 Posted July 6, 2017 Author Posted July 6, 2017 in a grass is greener situation almost every time. "What did I do wrong? "Nothing!" "Well, you don't want to be with me so I must have done something wrong" "You did nothing wrong!" #Scrublife I guess the main question is - does GIGS have a cure?
jamili Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 Wanting to get your attention, and wanting to get back together, are very, VERY different things. Sure, exes sometimes want the dumpees attention - which is how the classic "keeping on a string" thing happens to some who dont maintain NC - but that's where it ends most of the time. She probably wants your attention because 90% of dumpees in the world, outside of Loveshack, DONT do NC. So when you actually stick to hardcore NC, it likely blows their mind... especially if its the kind of person who is highly desired and worshipped by many... like your ex seems. Cure for "GIGS"? Lol there is no cure, because it isn't a sickness. "GIGS" is simply a social product of society that emerges from supply and demand in the mating market. When you have endless EASY options, which are handed to you on a silver platter with today's digital information and communication age, and are literally fighting with each other to be with you.... people tend to be picky and like to "shop around". The only "cure" for GIGS is time/experience, or a massive change in society - like a mass extinction/famine/disease. Its just life in 2017.
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