candy candy candy Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 i have to tell you something that is very personal and very sad too. the other day we went to the church to take this focus inventory that is 189 questions that we answer with agree, disagree or uncertain, right? so there are questions on there that ask things like about how you love each other, or do you feel that this person is the only person in the world for you, or do you freely want to marry this person, or do you have reservations about your feelings for this person, etc..you get my point right? well i found it very hard to answer some of these questions with "agree" and it was breaking my heart and i felt so awful for ricky (my finace) cause i know his answers were all "agree". what does this tell me? you know i dont know! i know i love in my heart or my head or somewhere or why would i stay with him? if i wasnt really in love with him and at times i hate him cause he hurts me with things that he says and if i hate him really and i can leave him any time i want but i dont cause it hurts in my heart to do so, then why the mixed feelings? i dont expect you to answer this for me, i am just so bummed that i could not literally answer them questions with a clear conscious, with an "agree" answers without feeling in my heart that i was not being honest with myself but i answered them with "agree" anyways and i feel so guilty but what else could i do? i'm so confused jayne about what to think about all this....i needed sooo badly to get this off my chest, whew! i wonder should i let him go and find someone who can love him the way he deserves since i seem so stuck on stupid.. i think of the questions and can answer them about my kids, and grand kids and family so i know i must have love in me, ok well not so sure about the family part, bro's sis's etc...but definitely could answer "agree" regarding kids and grand kids.. sometimes i wonder if i even know how to love someone, anyone...even my kids, grand kids...i just dont know...how can one know how to love if they never knew love growing up?
Author candy candy candy Posted August 10, 2005 Author Posted August 10, 2005 bumping..i have two posts on here and no one answered either of them yet....snif...
Marshbear32 Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 You can't marry someone unless you are sure of your feelings for them. It isn't fair to you or to him. I think you are so confused that you need to see a counselor and tell them how you are feeling, maybe your pastor. I wouldn't talk to your b/f until you have decided how you really feel. Think of yourself as well as him. You both deserve love from each other. I will just repeat; if your not sure then don't do it. Good Luck...
elijahBailey Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 what's up ccc. hmmm, I wonder why no one other than Marshbear is responding. You have some truly valid questions here. But, listen, er, I can't provide any solution, but maybe I can put things in perspective for ya with some of my observations. I read your other thread together with this one. First of all, I don't know what the 189 questions were that you had to answer. But whoa!! that's a LOT of questions to be askin'. If they put me thru all that, I'd probably be just as ambivalent about committing. The only reason that I can think of why they put you thru all those questions is to help you better understand where you're right now in your relationship. Second, how the heck you know whether your fiance is answering those questions truthfully Look.... now I'm imagining some of those questions being put to me..... and, ya know what, I don't know if I'll be able to answer every one of them with 'agrees'. We're all human, and we all have our own selfishness. Even if we were to have answered 'agrees' to all of them, I'm not sure if, one year down the road, things will still be the same. Don't we all deal with emotions in our marriages? Also, you said it hurts for you to leave him. And things he said does have an impact on you to the extent that it sometimes hurts. You also said you felt jealous about the women he hired. All these things that you said pretty much painted a clear picture about how you feel towards him. And regarding mixed feelings, who doesn't have 'em? Don't we all? And isn't that the reason why marriages need to be worked on everyday? I guess you might need to ask yourself whether you're willing to put in the effort if you so decide to get married. Take care
thegoodhubbie Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Originally posted by elijahBailey First of all, I don't know what the 189 questions were that you had to answer. But whoa!! that's a LOT of questions to be askin'. If they put me thru all that, I'd probably be just as ambivalent about committing. The only reason that I can think of why they put you thru all those questions is to help you better understand where you're right now in your relationship. And to get you to THINK about the meaning of commitment and why you want it. regarding mixed feelings, who doesn't have 'em? Don't we all? And isn't that the reason why marriages need to be worked on everyday? I guess you might need to ask yourself whether you're willing to put in the effort if you so decide to get married. Having mixed feelings isn't really a bad thing. I have been married for three years now and together with my wife for five. Sometimes I love her madly, sometimes I wish I were single again. It's just how it is, and I know sometimes she feels the same way. Marriage takes WORK, sometimes a lot of it. Things get stale. Kids come along. Money gets tight. Family gets in the way. Then you have your own issues, whatever they may be, that get in the way; insecurities, mental problems, flaws, etc. Ask yourself questions like: How does he treat you? Is he good to you? Does he flirt with other girls when you are around? Does he hit you? Does he make you feel bad about yourself? Does he support you emotionally and listen to you when you have a problem? Do you do things together, share the same taste in music, movies, activities? Do you see his flaws and can you accept them FOR LIFE. No one is perfect, and there will always be someone better looking or smarter or more something. As long as he treats you well, you have a good sex life, and you let each other be who you are, then you have the makings of a lifelong partnership. Good luck to you
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