booknook15 Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 First time poster here! I am a female law student and I’ve been dating a classmate for about 5 months. We have a healthy, supportive relationship. I can see myself marrying him. To give a little background, we have this month off from school. My boyfriend knew early on in our relationship that I was going on a vacation with my family at some point during the month. Ever since last fall, my boyfriend and I have socialized together with a small group of other classmates that included my other best friend. I enjoyed hanging out with this group. However, a few months ago, a picture popped up on social media. This group (including my boyfriend!) had a get-together without me and my friend. Another person hosted that get-together so my boyfriend was not in the position to invite me. I felt very left out. My boyfriend said he felt bad that I was excluded and admitted he felt kind of out of place there too. Fast forward a few weeks, and my boyfriend casually mentioned that he was going on vacation for 3 weeks with the two women who excluded me from the get-together. I was very hurt and shocked that he didn’t even ask me about my summer plans. If he had, he would have known that I was only going to be gone for 10 days. The travel group got bigger (including a few guys). I was never invited. Unfortunately, a girl who my boyfriend once was “in to” (according to reliable source) joined the group. Even he has admitted that she flirts aggressively and has hit on him before. I’ve tried to be supportive, but I’m struggling with the fact that my boyfriend is spending 3 weeks traveling with people who excluded me + a flirt who is possibly my boyfriend’s former crush. I don’t think he will cheat on me, but her presence makes me extremely uncomfortable. In all fairness, he loves traveling and I know this trip was a good opportunity for him to do that. Our trips happen to overlap (he will be gone 11 extra days), but it still hurts to see the pics on social media. It feels like he made no effort to spend time with me this summer. I might get a couple of days towards the end because he still has to go home and see his family (understandable).
smackie9 Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 You are only 5 months in.....your relationship is not as serious as you thought. 2
act00 Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) There have been several group outings where he could have included you as a "social unit." Sorry, but you two have been a couple long enough, that when he is invited somewhere, particularly with mutual friends, he could be saying, "I'll be bringing BookNook along." Couples do things together and separately, but it seems that you are being quite purposely ousted, and he's not telling you about them in advance -- the interactions are quite the secret until pictures are posted on FB. He really doesn't want you there, because if he did, particularly with mutual friends, he would be making sure to include you. This is a tough pill to swallow. Add to this, there is an obvious crush getting involved now. I'm not proud of myself for this, but in my youth, my way to not break up, and I didn't necessarily want to, but to also explore my crushes and sow my wild oats, was to be secretive about my plans so that I could party it up and flirt (whether or not there was a particular guy I was interested in), and not have to deal with my boyfriend and that "ball and chain." I had the freedom to hook up, play, flirt, etc. I didn't want my boyfriend there. Some of it was the fact I had to "babysit" and entertain him (different boyfriends/personalities) because he could not function on his own, and other times, I was ready to let go, but didn't break up, and aside from party weekends, a great boyfriend...except something was obviously missing...I didn't enjoy him enough to include him and wanted to keep that door open for dating others....Please don't kick me, it was 25 years ago. I think the signs are there that he's not really into you because if he was, he would want you there at the parties and gatherings, and on this vacation. Since your personal plans don't allow a vacation together, you would not be this insecure of him vacationing without you and with your mutual friends, if the behavior wasn't screaming at you, "Something isn't right." They have all actively ousted you and have not included you...not good...and now there's this crush. Face the music, this one is over. I'm really sorry. People who want to spend time with their girlfriends/boyfriends will make damn sure their significant other is included and communicates plans where a SO is not part of the plan (boy's night, work function)...their SO doesn't find out via FB post or other social media. There's something missing, and maybe it's just he's not ready to settle down, but for whatever reason, he's not including you, and neither are these so-called friends, so the writing is on the wall...Drop the rope. Edited July 6, 2017 by act00 1
BaileyB Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 Yeah, he could have invited you along but chose not to do so... Or, he could have chosen not to go. People who are in serious relationships consider the other person in decisions like vacations. It would seem, that your relationship (at least for him) is not as serious as you would have thought... Sorry.
Lorenza Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 It's awfully impolite of his friends to not include you. If those were my friends I would either ask them to acknowledge that I'm no longer single and from now on have a +1, or I'd just stop hanging out with them. But it seems that your boyfriend doesn't mind. Maybe he thinks it's for the best that his circle doesn't see him with a gf so he still looks available. That's definitely a red flag.
Whodatdog Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 Is it possible you are more invested in this relationship than he is? Sounds like he's still interested in playing the field, so to speak.
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 Why can't you invite yourself along on this trip? Unless the group is staying in the private home of someone you & your BF just get your own room.
fred123 Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 Why can't you invite yourself along on this trip? Unless the group is staying in the private home of someone you & your BF just get your own room. You cant invite yourself to things?! Im sure you told me that too! 1
Ieris Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 Personally, I don't think he is obliged to invite you to every event / holiday that he goes to. He knew you already had a holiday planned with your family, so he made his own plans so I don't see what the problem is. As smackie9 says, you're only 5 months in so I don't think you're in a position to make demands. I enjoyed hanging out with this group. Perhaps they don't feel the same way about you and your friend hence why you're excluded. It's not uncommon for groups to break up into smaller groups, with the ones who get along better gel together.
Author booknook15 Posted July 6, 2017 Author Posted July 6, 2017 Personally, I don't think he is obliged to invite you to every event / holiday that he goes to. He knew you already had a holiday planned with your family, so he made his own plans so I don't see what the problem is. As smackie9 says, you're only 5 months in so I don't think you're in a position to make demands. Perhaps they don't feel the same way about you and your friend hence why you're excluded. It's not uncommon for groups to break up into smaller groups, with the ones who get along better gel together. You're exactly right and that's why it's so frustrating. I just hate that's he traveling with a group that shut me out and I hate that the flirty girl is on the trip.
coolheadal Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 You're exactly right and that's why it's so frustrating. I just hate that's he traveling with a group that shut me out and I hate that the flirty girl is on the trip. You have trust issues, but you know if he cares about this girl he's going to do whatever he wants. Your not committed yet unless he said he was. Tough isn't it and that group doesn't want you with them. He should be with you but that is way he's not he has chosen them because he knows them longer than you. You can end all of this and eh would be without the group. So the group is number 1 and your are number 2.
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