he says I'm 'the one' but he's not ready for commitment

[starlitnight]

Just wanting to get some perspective on this. I'm 36, he's 33. He pursued me for awhile before we started dating. He says that he thinks that he has finally found 'the one' but one problem - he's not ready. Not for marriage, not for kids. In his words... "I love you, and more than enough to have a family with you. I'm just not there yet. I'm not ready for that kind of step. It rips my heart into pieces to admit that, and to know I found you and yet I'm not ready. You don't understand how hard that has been for me to accept, I'm still struggling with it. You are perfect and it makes me hate myself so much. I'm not going to find another person like you, and I recognize that."

 

I know he is being genuine, he cried talking to me about this, and I know a big part of it is that I'm 36 and need to have kids soon and he doesn't want to waste my time. I'm just struggling myself because...well, isn't it sort of a fallacy that most people are 'ready'? I'm not READY for marriage, I just know that I would like a partner that I love, and that I want to be with that person always. I know that it's better to be married for support and assistance with buying a home and having children. I also am not READY for children. I want them, but I am independent, travel, and I know kids are a lot of work. I'm 36 but I look and feel very young. If I was young, I wouldn't be in any rush...but I'm not young anymore and if I want these things I need to try to have them, regardless of whether or not I'm ready. I know I would be a great wife and mother. I suppose I just thought people get married and have kids when they love someone and it makes sense, but that most people aren't ever really READY for that. How can someone who understands the magnitude and seriousness of that commitment ever truly be READY for it?

 

I don't want to try to convince him to change his mind - in my opinion, if he thinks I'm that great and still chooses to be without me, he's not the one for me. I don't want anything he doesn't freely choose to give. And to be honest, I've had a couple marriage proposals in my lifetime - I've learned that when someone really loves you, they lay it all on the line for you and anything else is not good enough. I am just hoping someone can help me understand - is it really possible to walk away from someone you truly love and who you think is 'the one' because you aren't ready, or is it a sign of just not loving someone enough? Has anyone else experienced this?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have not personally experienced this, but one of my best friends has. She let him go and over a year later he came to his senses and they are getting married this fall, both well into their forties. They are both over the moon, totally in love. He really did just have stuff he had to work through.

[BaileyB]

Just wanting to get some perspective on this. I'm 36, he's 33. He pursued me for awhile before we started dating. He says that he thinks that he has finally found 'the one' but one problem - he's not ready. Not for marriage, not for kids. In his words... "I love you, and more than enough to have a family with you. I'm just not there yet. I'm not ready for that kind of step. It rips my heart into pieces to admit that, and to know I found you and yet I'm not ready. You don't understand how hard that has been for me to accept, I'm still struggling with it. You are perfect and it makes me hate myself so much. I'm not going to find another person like you, and I recognize that."

 

I know he is being genuine, he cried talking to me about this, and I know a big part of it is that I'm 36 and need to have kids soon and he doesn't want to waste my time. I'm just struggling myself because...well, isn't it sort of a fallacy that most people are 'ready'? I'm not READY for marriage, I just know that I would like a partner that I love, and that I want to be with that person always. I know that it's better to be married for support and assistance with buying a home and having children. I also am not READY for children. I want them, but I am independent, travel, and I know kids are a lot of work. I'm 36 but I look and feel very young. If I was young, I wouldn't be in any rush...but I'm not young anymore and if I want these things I need to try to have them, regardless of whether or not I'm ready. I know I would be a great wife and mother. I suppose I just thought people get married and have kids when they love someone and it makes sense, but that most people aren't ever really READY for that. How can someone who understands the magnitude and seriousness of that commitment ever truly be READY for it?

 

I don't want to try to convince him to change his mind - in my opinion, if he thinks I'm that great and still chooses to be without me, he's not the one for me. I don't want anything he doesn't freely choose to give. And to be honest, I've had a couple marriage proposals in my lifetime - I've learned that when someone really loves you, they lay it all on the line for you and anything else is not good enough. I am just hoping someone can help me understand - is it really possible to walk away from someone you truly love and who you think is 'the one' because you aren't ready, or is it a sign of just not loving someone enough? Has anyone else experienced this?

 

I have two friends who have experienced this. One chose to leave - she is now married and has has family while he has never married and has no children. The other chose to stay - she is not married and she has watched all her friends get married and have babies. Time is running out for her and she is very sad.

 

You are not young, by fertility standards. Any pregnancy you have NOW would be considered high risk. And the risk of Autism, Down Syndrome, and other disorders increases significantly with the age of the parents.

 

I can appreciate the fact that he loves you, but he is not ready to commit to you. You do not have the same goals in life. If getting married and having a family are important to you, then you should be prepared to make some hard decisions. Don't waste any more time with a man who doesn't share the same dream...

[starlitnight]

I agree. I may have to look into single parenthood, which scares me to death...but I don't assume I'll just magically find someone after looking for so long and only finding one man that I like.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree. I may have to look into single parenthood, which scares me to death...but I don't assume I'll just magically find someone after looking for so long and only finding one man that I like.

 

I have 3 friends who have done it in their forties. One just had her second. They are all extremely happy and have found support in each other through a single moms group <3. (They also have supportive families)

[healing light]

I agree with the other ladies. You need to have a common vision and I think if he truly was as in love with you as he claims or marriage was important to him, he would get off his butt and propose. How long have you guys been together?

 

I read a long study that was well done recently about what makes men a good bet for marriage statistically speaking (I'd love to link it, it was fairly interesting, but I'm not sure if that's allowed). This man is already in the age of high commitment, so if he's not ready now and has had other long-term relationships with no proposal, it's likely he may never be.

 

Will you resent him if you stay and there's no ring in sight and no children? If so, then you have your answer. If you break up with him, it will free you to find someone who shares that common goal. And maybe he will get his act together like the other poster's friend, but at least you won't be wasting your time on someone who offers no guarantee.

[starlitnight]

Thanks everyone, for your perspectives. I really appreciate all of you taking the time.

 

I did break up with this man and I am not waiting around. We have not dated very long, around about a year. If he thought he would be ready to move in together or talk about a timeline or something soon I would consider waiting briefly, but he just isn't ready for either marriage or kids. He hasn't had a longterm relationship in a long time - mostly 6 months here and 6 months there, and he did break up with someone years ago in his mid 20s because he wasn't ready, but mid 20s is different from almost mid 30s. He doesn't date much, he doesn't sleep with women unless he's been dating them for awhile, he works extremely hard (he's definitely somewhat of a workaholic). He may feel that he needs to build up a certain amount of money to be ready because his father was a millionaire at his age and he wants to achieve some measure of success. His best friend told him not to move away and to take a chance with me instead, because he was struggling so hard with leaving me. His very good friend sat him down and told him not to blow this because she's never seen him happier.

 

I think either it's selfishness or fear, or he doesn't want kids and doesn't want to tell me that. He seems absolutely miserable making this choice, but he's following through making it so I know it's the right choice for him.

 

Sweetfish, I am inclined to think it isn't an issue with loving me. My last engagement went wrong because the guy never truly was in love with me, so I do know what it's like to be dealing with that. Also, I do agree it's better to raise children with a father present. I'm a teacher and I spend a lot of time with kids, so I feel uniquely positioned here. It's not my first choice, but if my options are not having kids of my own and being a single mother, I'll risk it. It sucks because I'm highly educated, attractive, well traveled, adventurous and fun and can attract men. I'm having a hard time finding men who want anything more than sex though. The longer I'm dating the more it seems like the good guys are gone and the ones that are left have issues.

[SpecialJ]

Starlight, I completely sympathize with you and am at a similar life stage with the same struggles of finding a partner, and thinking about the same single mom considerations in about 2-3 years. It really is crap, but the most important thing is if the partner can show up for you (and eventually your kids) in bad times. You're lucky he's letting you go, since he's proving he can't, no matter how strongly he feels about you. You're doing the right thing by letting him go, even though there's no guarantee you (or me or anyone) will find the right partner. It's still usually better than finding the wrong one.

[Chilli]

for a start , of course children need both parents, l just feel sorry for any child that's forced to grown up without a mother or without a father.'

sure they'll be brave and they'll try to be strong but show me one child that truly wouldn't want a mum and a dad if they had a choice,

that's the natural scheme, the way it's meant to be.

 

but on the other part of it , yeah, 30s and expected to make that kind of commitment in only 12mths , l dunno , l wouldn't have,.no way.

And in this day and age , double that.

But then there's the problem.

l mean you have the time as long as he's alfor the future and def' wants to but just not yet.

That's the key for you in this , being a male and avoided 2 or 3 marriages.

But when l met the right one , l was all systems go but l still gave it 4yrs before we had kids.

Does he def' want it but just not yet , to be sure? That's where it's all at for you.

As apposed to maybe never wanting it anyway.

if he def does but wants another year or so , well it'll be 3 or 4yrs before your with somebody new on that level again anyway so there's more time , and that's if your lucky.

 

 

If you really love him , it's really important to know exactly how he feels about it all and why and when , before you throw it away is my 2 cents.

[Amas5750]

Its about how devastated you'd be if you NEVER had kids.

 

In your core, could you live with NEVER having a baby.

 

...

 

 

"Theres always tume to find love in life but theres NOT always time to have a baby"

 

..

 

Sending comfort xx

[SpecialJ]

I slightly disagree with the people who are asking you if waiting more than a year is that big a deal. I personally want to wait until I know someone 2 years, because I've had experiences learning all sorts of bad things people kept hidden for 9-24 months. HOWEVER, in this specific case you've pointed out that he's told you he has a pattern. For years and years, he hasn't been ready. So I don't think this is a matter of, a year isn't necessarily enough time to decide, since it seems he didn't really try to work with you on a decision timeline. He simply gave up instead. So it just sounds hard to trust him as an equal partner no matter how long you want to give him to figure things out.

 

For what it's worth, when I haven't been ready for something in the past but knew I really cared and I'd want to be with someone, I was always very clear about give me time to do x, y, and z, and I'll be ready. It's happened twice, and my words and actions matched. Doesn't sound like his do.

[knabe]

"I love you, and more than enough to have a family with you. I'm just not there yet. I'm not ready for that kind of step. It rips my heart into pieces to admit that, and to know I found you and yet I'm not ready. You don't understand how hard that has been for me to accept, I'm still struggling with it. You are perfect and it makes me hate myself so much. I'm not going to find another person like you, and I recognize that."

 

Oh GAWD, I am hoping you didn't fall for this schmaltzy clap-trap. Who writes his lines?

 

This man is not mature enough to commit. And you are 36. It's time to move on.

[starlitnight]

...you guys are awesome. Thank you so much for all your opinions. It's given me a lot to think about.

 

I do want to disagree with the amount of time it should take before committing to someone you are dating, in that it's a very personal thing that I think changes as you get older and are more experienced. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time on long term relationships, my longest being 6 years. Sure, I got to know my partner, but there was no commitment and I ended up wasting a lot of time. Now that I am mid30s, I've had a ton of experience. I know myself very well and I know exactly where my faults and my strengths are, and what I am looking for in a partner. At this point in my life, I think that it would take me about a year, maybe less, to determine if someone is right for me. This timeline has aligned with most of the marriages I see taking place currently with people around my same age, with partners they met in their 30s, but as I said before this must vary person to person.

 

I agree that he must be immature, and he could have given me a timeline but didn't. I'm sad, but it makes it easier to move on.

[SpecialJ]

Star, we may be going on a bit of a tangent here, but I wanted to say I agree with you on that too. I think I'd know in much sooner than 2 years if I wanted to marry someone at this point, but I want to be sure they're not misrepresenting who they are because I've been misled in the past and that can take time. I'm hoping I can spot warning signs of this much more quickly after my last breakup (or, better, that I never end up in a situation like that again!).

 

That being said, my mom has always said to me her biggest dating regret was spending too long in relationships and advised me not to do the same. I didn't necessarily listen, because I don't enjoy dating around, but I probably should have in a couple instances. She's been happily married for over 35 years so probably knows what's up Which also made me wonder why she had regrets since it all worked out just fine.

 

I'll just say again that I think you're doing the right thing, here. And your mindset is perfect for giving him the space to get his $hit together once he's lost you, which is the only thing that may get him into action. But I wouldn't count on it happening.

[staggerlee71]

it takes a lifetime to get to know someone.

[starlitnight]

Anassa, Smiley1, thank you for getting my point here and I appreciate your comments.

[Seth0194]

Just wanting to get some perspective on this. I'm 36, he's 33. He pursued me for awhile before we started dating. He says that he thinks that he has finally found 'the one' but one problem - he's not ready. Not for marriage, not for kids. In his words... "I love you, and more than enough to have a family with you. I'm just not there yet. I'm not ready for that kind of step. It rips my heart into pieces to admit that, and to know I found you and yet I'm not ready. You don't understand how hard that has been for me to accept, I'm still struggling with it. You are perfect and it makes me hate myself so much. I'm not going to find another person like you, and I recognize that."

 

I know he is being genuine, he cried talking to me about this, and I know a big part of it is that I'm 36 and need to have kids soon and he doesn't want to waste my time. I'm just struggling myself because...well, isn't it sort of a fallacy that most people are 'ready'? I'm not READY for marriage, I just know that I would like a partner that I love, and that I want to be with that person always. I know that it's better to be married for support and assistance with buying a home and having children. I also am not READY for children. I want them, but I am independent, travel, and I know kids are a lot of work. I'm 36 but I look and feel very young. If I was young, I wouldn't be in any rush...but I'm not young anymore and if I want these things I need to try to have them, regardless of whether or not I'm ready. I know I would be a great wife and mother. I suppose I just thought people get married and have kids when they love someone and it makes sense, but that most people aren't ever really READY for that. How can someone who understands the magnitude and seriousness of that commitment ever truly be READY for it?

 

I don't want to try to convince him to change his mind - in my opinion, if he thinks I'm that great and still chooses to be without me, he's not the one for me. I don't want anything he doesn't freely choose to give. And to be honest, I've had a couple marriage proposals in my lifetime - I've learned that when someone really loves you, they lay it all on the line for you and anything else is not good enough. I am just hoping someone can help me understand - is it really possible to walk away from someone you truly love and who you think is 'the one' because you aren't ready, or is it a sign of just not loving someone enough? Has anyone else experienced this?

 

Its what you want, if he is not ready, give him some time. If you are not ok with him and his choice then you are losing nothing, because he doesn't want what you want. a negative times a positive = a negative.