Shantaram Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 Hi everyone, Kyle here (23 years old) This is my first post, I wasn't completely sure if this was the relevant section but there is some relevance anyways. So I met this girl in my class 2 years ago. We hit it off (chemistry wise), we would hang out a lot and just talk and laugh and whatever but we never actually had any sexual interactions (I.e. never even kissed her). Anyways, it was still great she was cute and funny and you know we just had good chemistry together. We both liked each other (apparently she didn't know that I liked her) and I eventually want something more serious with her. Turns out she had been chatting to another dude at the time and because she didn't know I liked her she decided to go with him (he was just a random hookup she had) and anyways they had been chatting and stuff so whatever. They end up dating for like 7 months. During this time though, we would still spend so much time together. Literally doing everything together (except have sex). Basically I was her gay best friend. Even I started dating someone else(which I know know was such a hurry up thing to do to the girl I was dating) but the whole time I really wanted to just be with her. You know we were really really close. Like she would come lie in my bed with me (like you know just people that are comfortable with each other but not kissing or anything cause we both knew we were dating other people. Eventually around a year later , she breaks up with him. Thing is with all the time I was spending with her, she was also spending it with my best friend at the time. They start getting really close. Eventually they start doing a friend's with benefits sort of deal. I find out a month later and get crushed (although I internally dealt with it.) My best friend asked me if it was cool if they started dating ( I mean a month later) and I told yeah sure it's fine man go for it (of course I didn't want them to but I didn't wanna be that guy - I mean firstly I haven't even kissed her myself). So they basically just keep hooking up undercover and it's just eating me up inside you know. Like her and I would still spend a lot of time together (I mean okay a lot of time had passed and I didn't wanna look like that guy that was still hanging on.) So around 6 months goes by again but now I'm literally broken inside. Like pretending for so long had just crushed me. I was feeling depressed, almost like I had this feeling over me like that it just wasn't gonna get better. I started smoking a lot more weed and ugh and like I dont know I felt like cheated on. It's weird. Eventually I decided I should say something. So I confess my feelings I've still had for her since we met and whatever but she tells me that my timing was bad and that my best friend is a good guy and whatever and (obviously) I agree but I felt like I had to just tell her. Hopefully it would work out. While this was all going on,my relationship with my best friend basically started fading. We were growing apart. At the time I was feeling so depressed (probably not the right word) and felt like I had to change something. So I decided that I had to stop being friends with her so I could finally get over this woman. I moved out of the house I was staying with my best friend and I'm now living alone. I've basically cut her out of my life (she didn't like that 1 bit but that's another story). Anyways it's still not getting better. I mean I've been with other woman during this time sure but they were all lame to me ( hot sure but just not her). I've been smoking a lot more weed than usual and I know it's digging my grave for me faster. I don't feel happy doing what I have to do. I'm a med student and everything feels so dragged out and just unhappy with what I'm doing. Shes still in my friend group although I hardly see her much anymore. They're still dating too. I have ambitions in life and things I want to achieve but I just feel like I never make an actual decent effort to do them. I really wanna actually be happy and feel like I'm moving forward because right now I feel like this cloud is getting bigger and bigger right now Really sorry for the long post, I feel like I've just rambled on. But if anyone knows what I can do to change my life pls five me some advice.
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 You are lamenting a series of missed opportunities. You never made a move on this girl you like & now she's dating your best friend so you kind of lost both of them. Sadly you need to distance yourself from them both. Especially don't be lying on the bed with her any more. Force yourself to be active. Eventually You will land back on your feet & reconnect with your ambitions. 1
act00 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 I agree with the above. It looks like you've had a million missed opportunities, and when your roommate asked if it was okay to hook up with her, you gave your blessing. You kind of shot yourself in the foot here, and now she is permanently off limits if you value your friendship with your roommate. It's time to create some distance from both of them, or accept the fact this girl will never be "the one." It's about acceptance and moving forward, and if you can't create that distance in your mind, you have to physically remove yourself from the situation that is causing you so much grief. No more cuddling in bed with her or behaving in any type of intimate way. Any time you find yourself longing for the "what ifs" or "what could've," find another activity to occupy your mind and follow through, even if you don't really want to. 1
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 Stop smoking pot....pot is the biggest get lazy drug there is. Your lack of motivation is from the pot. Nothing wrong with doing it recreational but when it takes over your life it becomes an addiction....and you are heading down that path....before you know it you could find yourself smoking meth. I'm sure you have more than this one friend to hang out with so instead of sucking on a bong, join a group that involves physical activities like indoor rock climbing, hiking, go to the gym, anything that will get you out of the house and challenge you. In uni there must be stuff going on all the time to check out.Since you are a med student, go do some volunteer work at a clinic/hospital in a poor part of town. Anyways it's time to get off the pity party parade float and do something productive. Tip: Lying in bed with no intention of sex is a no no...it's called being someone's cuddle b^&*( and that is the kiss of death)......it means you have no ballz to a girl. You even said yourself you were like her gay BFF. That's shameful and TBH, and I know you are not going to like this but, she probably never had any real romantic interest in you....you were severely friend zoned. If she really wanted you that bad, she would be pawing all over you making hints, flirting, and making herself available. Girls don't need to be told by a guy that they should date, girls are perfectly capable to pursue guys too. BTW she knew you liked her....she ain't no dummy. This bad timing thing is bull crap. 3
Imajerk17 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 (edited) I don't get this trend of guys being cuddle-buddies w their female friends (whom they aren't having sex with) laying in bed together. Moving forward don't do that again! I agree w the others. Most everyone's dating lives include an expensive lesson, and the most common such lesson for guys is not taking advantage of green lights to make a move w a woman you really want to be with, and then seeing her move on with someone else. As you are noticing, this sucks more than outright rejection because now you are stuck wondering "what if". I am sorry you are hurting OP. Edited July 9, 2017 by Imajerk17 3
TheFinalWord Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 (edited) Hi everyone, Kyle here (23 years old) This is my first post, I wasn't completely sure if this was the relevant section but there is some relevance anyways. So I met this girl in my class 2 years ago. We hit it off (chemistry wise), we would hang out a lot and just talk and laugh and whatever but we never actually had any sexual interactions (I.e. never even kissed her). Anyways, it was still great she was cute and funny and you know we just had good chemistry together. We both liked each other (apparently she didn't know that I liked her) and I eventually want something more serious with her. Turns out she had been chatting to another dude at the time and because she didn't know I liked her she decided to go with him (he was just a random hookup she had) and anyways they had been chatting and stuff so whatever. They end up dating for like 7 months. During this time though, we would still spend so much time together. Literally doing everything together (except have sex). Basically I was her gay best friend. Even I started dating someone else(which I know know was such a hurry up thing to do to the girl I was dating) but the whole time I really wanted to just be with her. You know we were really really close. Like she would come lie in my bed with me (like you know just people that are comfortable with each other but not kissing or anything cause we both knew we were dating other people. Eventually around a year later , she breaks up with him. Thing is with all the time I was spending with her, she was also spending it with my best friend at the time. They start getting really close. Eventually they start doing a friend's with benefits sort of deal. I find out a month later and get crushed (although I internally dealt with it.) My best friend asked me if it was cool if they started dating ( I mean a month later) and I told yeah sure it's fine man go for it (of course I didn't want them to but I didn't wanna be that guy - I mean firstly I haven't even kissed her myself). So they basically just keep hooking up undercover and it's just eating me up inside you know. Like her and I would still spend a lot of time together (I mean okay a lot of time had passed and I didn't wanna look like that guy that was still hanging on.) So around 6 months goes by again but now I'm literally broken inside. Like pretending for so long had just crushed me. I was feeling depressed, almost like I had this feeling over me like that it just wasn't gonna get better. I started smoking a lot more weed and ugh and like I dont know I felt like cheated on. It's weird. Eventually I decided I should say something. So I confess my feelings I've still had for her since we met and whatever but she tells me that my timing was bad and that my best friend is a good guy and whatever and (obviously) I agree but I felt like I had to just tell her. Hopefully it would work out. While this was all going on,my relationship with my best friend basically started fading. We were growing apart. At the time I was feeling so depressed (probably not the right word) and felt like I had to change something. So I decided that I had to stop being friends with her so I could finally get over this woman. I moved out of the house I was staying with my best friend and I'm now living alone. I've basically cut her out of my life (she didn't like that 1 bit but that's another story). Anyways it's still not getting better. I mean I've been with other woman during this time sure but they were all lame to me ( hot sure but just not her). I've been smoking a lot more weed than usual and I know it's digging my grave for me faster. I don't feel happy doing what I have to do. I'm a med student and everything feels so dragged out and just unhappy with what I'm doing. Shes still in my friend group although I hardly see her much anymore. They're still dating too. I have ambitions in life and things I want to achieve but I just feel like I never make an actual decent effort to do them. I really wanna actually be happy and feel like I'm moving forward because right now I feel like this cloud is getting bigger and bigger right now Really sorry for the long post, I feel like I've just rambled on. But if anyone knows what I can do to change my life pls five me some advice. Sorry for your tough spot. It sounds like this girl friend zoned you and, even though your "best friend" knew you had feelings, broke guy code and moved in on her anyway. My opinion is you have seen his true colors and hers. You need to go no contact with her. Your broken hearted, which takes time to get over. I would not be friends with the guy either, but that will be up to you to decide. Next time you will need to be clearer with girls you are interested in early on, instead of suffering in quiet desperation. We've all had this happen so don't feel too down on yourself. You're in medical school, so I'm not sure why you feel you aren't accomplishing anything. The best revenge is success, so instead of trying to numb your emotions with drugs, try to do something positive and focus in on your education. Edited July 9, 2017 by TheFinalWord 2
Author Shantaram Posted September 4, 2017 Author Posted September 4, 2017 Thanks guys for all the input, you guys are right. I've stopped smoking pot (atleast not as much as I was), I tried to focus more on my academics and I joined the gym and my local soccer club. Things are looking up, I still see her every now and again but things are a lot better. I've realised that if anything, this was at the very least, a lesson and I'm understanding thats its something I need to learn from. I haven't been seeing anyone since, but I'm trying to focus on myself more. Cheers, and again thanks for the advice. 1
spiderowl Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 The only thing that is going to help you really is for you to let her go for good. As long as you are still hanging on to some faint possibility of her, you will not be able to move on. Moving out was a good idea. You've moved out physically, now is the time to move out mentally. Easier said than done I know. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. It's as simple as that. Whatever she said about 'bad timing' just gave you hope that another time the outcome would be different. At some level, you are still hanging onto that hope. Why would you want someone who has so often chosen other men over you? That is the reality of the situation. Is she really so special or just more interesting because she's unattainable? There are probably other women around who could be more suitable for you. I know an emotional bond is a powerful thing. You could build that with someone else. You are unlikely to feel as interested in another woman until you have built a bond. Getting to know someone at a deep level is a completely different experience to superficial dating. Give up on this woman, let yourself heal from that, then consider others. Do not expect to instantly feel the same with someone else. You need to give that time to develop.
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