He is scared to get married..

[Normm]

i had to laugh at the negativity in your statement. I know that this is forever

 

Virtually everyone who gets married thinks it's forever. Until it isn't- and that happens over 55% of the time with today's marriages.

 

i always knew he and i would get married.

 

This is rather troubling. It appears that the dumping was a manipulative tactic designed to get him to meet your marriage demands.

 

I do not waste my time on someone that does not see a future with me, it is pointless.

 

That's a common fallacy. That somehow being married makes it more likely that the relationship will last. If the two people have a solid bond, good communication, similar interests and all the important factors that make a relationship work, then it will last. Signing a piece of paper and having a big party has nothing to do with it. If anything the additional pressures of marriage is exactly what causes the relationship to fail. The countless threads on this forum and others that talk about how the other person suddenly changed is testimonial to that fact.

 

He now is the one to say he is the happiest hes ever been and that marriage was something that always scared him, but he is glad he married me.

 

That's sweet but meaningless. You're in the honeymoon phase. He could be talking himself into being ok with a major decision that he really wasn't ready for. Give it time. Hopefully things stay the course but there are a few caution flags, the major one being he simply wasn't ready but took the plunge because the alternative was starting all over again with someone else.

Edited July 27, 2018 by Normm

[universalangel101]

Your're damned if you do and damned if you don't. A woman is bashed for not making it clear of what she wants and shes bashed if she does. I never begged him to marry me, i begged him to stay with me after he broke up. But i realized that i did not want to continue with someone who did not see ( at that time) a future with me. I did what i had to do that was best for ME. I did not beg him to marry me or propose. All i wanted to know was, if this relationship was leading to marriage. Why should i stick around???!!! I do not care for your views Normm. You are quite pessimistic and i have a good feeling you are very much single. After 5 years, our honeymoon phase is over, but we are very much happy and in love. That can change, but that is NOT up for you to declare. This is my life, not yours. You are welcome to write your own life history and make it sad, i really do NOT care, but this is mine!

 

I simply came here to give an update to those who tried to help me, not get advice on the future of my marriage.

[universalangel101]

Theres a lot to be said for this result. So many times we read about women who are with their boyfriends, who want to get married, but their boyfriend doesnt. But they wont leave them, they wont give an ultimatum. Which is perfectly fine! But if you arent willing to stand up for what you want, how can you expect anyone else to? The OP had enough self respect for herself, and she knew exactly what she wanted, and she was willing to do what she had to do to get it. Good for her.

 

Thank you whodatdog! I appreciate you sticking up for me. I simply came back here to give an update to those who really helped me decide to walk away and i get negative feedback from my update. Like i said, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. I had to do what was best for me. To be honest, im not sure i really like this site much. Too much negativity on here. But i appreciate you standing up for me. Thanks again!

[d0nnivain]

I simply came here to give an update to those who tried to help me, not get advice on the future of my marriage.

 

My wet blanket reservations not withstanding, I think you will fine because you are clear about what you want. Your optimism & good instincts will serve you well.

[ThreeRainbows]

That's a common fallacy. That somehow being married makes it more likely that the relationship will last. If the two people have a solid bond, good communication, similar interests and all the important factors that make a relationship work, then it will last. Signing a piece of paper and having a big party has nothing to do with it. If anything the additional pressures of marriage is exactly what causes the relationship to fail. The countless threads on this forum and others that talk about how the other person suddenly changed is testimonial to that fact.

 

 

That's sweet but meaningless. You're in the honeymoon phase. He could be talking himself into being ok with a major decision that he really wasn't ready for. Give it time. Hopefully things stay the course but there are a few caution flags, the major one being he simply wasn't ready but took the plunge because the alternative was starting all over again with someone else.

 

 

Not getting married was causing emotional distance in the relationship. And it almost always will with a woman. If anything, the additional pressures of not getting married is actually what was about to cause the relationship to fail.

-

They've been together for over 5 years. That's out of honeymoon territory.

[ThreeRainbows]

Your're damned if you do and damned if you don't. A woman is bashed for not making it clear of what she wants and shes bashed if she does. I never begged him to marry me, i begged him to stay with me after he broke up. But i realized that i did not want to continue with someone who did not see ( at that time) a future with me. I did what i had to do that was best for ME. I did not beg him to marry me or propose. All i wanted to know was, if this relationship was leading to marriage. Why should i stick around???!!! I do not care for your views Normm. You are quite pessimistic and i have a good feeling you are very much single. After 5 years, our honeymoon phase is over, but we are very much happy and in love. That can change, but that is NOT up for you to declare. This is my life, not yours. You are welcome to write your own life history and make it sad, i really do NOT care, but this is mine!

 

I simply came here to give an update to those who tried to help me, not get advice on the future of my marriage.

 

 

You're doing awesome, and I applaud you.

[Normm]

Not getting married was causing emotional distance in the relationship. And it almost always will with a woman. If anything, the additional pressures of not getting married is actually what was about to cause the relationship to fail.

-

They've been together for over 5 years. That's out of honeymoon territory.

 

 

His decision to marry was based on an ultimatum. That's the biggest sort of pressure there can possibly be.

 

 

They may have been together a total of 5 years but it was a rocky road. Including a breakup not more than 6 months prior to the wedding.

Edited July 27, 2018 by Normm

[anduina]

Thank you whodatdog! I appreciate you sticking up for me. I simply came back here to give an update to those who really helped me decide to walk away and i get negative feedback from my update. Like i said, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. I had to do what was best for me. To be honest, im not sure i really like this site much. Too much negativity on here. But i appreciate you standing up for me. Thanks again!

Don't worry about the negativity. You handled things perfectly.

[Whodatdog]

His decision to marry was based on an ultimatum. That's the biggest sort of pressure there can possibly be.

 

 

They may have been together a total of 5 years but it was a rocky road. Including a breakup not more than 6 months prior to the wedding.

 

She didnt put a gun to his head. He didnt have to marry her. She told him what her expectations were from the relationship. He could have walked if he wanted to. Sounds like his decision was based the fact he'd rather marry her than lose her.

[Sweetfish]

Your're damned if you do and damned if you don't. A woman is bashed for not making it clear of what she wants and shes bashed if she does. I never begged him to marry me, i begged him to stay with me after he broke up. But i realized that i did not want to continue with someone who did not see ( at that time) a future with me. I did what i had to do that was best for ME. I did not beg him to marry me or propose. All i wanted to know was, if this relationship was leading to marriage. Why should i stick around???!!! I do not care for your views Normm. You are quite pessimistic and i have a good feeling you are very much single. After 5 years, our honeymoon phase is over, but we are very much happy and in love. That can change, but that is NOT up for you to declare. This is my life, not yours. You are welcome to write your own life history and make it sad, i really do NOT care, but this is mine!

 

I simply came here to give an update to those who tried to help me, not get advice on the future of my marriage.

 

 

The pot calling the kettle black.

 

 

You got married and stayed with a man on conditions and your proud about that?

 

 

 

Not only did you get with someone and stayed with a person who was clearly a commitment phobe, You used ultimatums and had no issues walking away from a man "you love" for a document that simply makes the government the third wheel.

 

 

 

The foundation for the marriage in my opinion is not that great...but that is my opinion. You showed me two thing in this thread. You stuck it out with a commitment phobe and that you will leave when things don't go your way. It was you that got with someone for 5 years knowing the person was not originally not marriage minded and than flip the script on him when he wouldn't marry you. Now your back lashing at posters calling out how they observed this same redundant cycle countless of times.

 

 

 

 

 

You wanted to get married for provision of your future and was willing to walk away from him simply because of a marriage license. If you felt you will be together forever why do you need a marriage license. was it because of provisions for your future?

 

 

 

Now that he is at his happiest... lets observe this new paradigm where the chase is over. Your only 6 months through and pretty cocky about it and now that you got what you wanted you are criticizing anyone who doesn't give you the 2 thumbs up.

 

 

Marriage as some one pointed is very difficult.

 

 

 

You made it clear. You did what was best for YOU. Lets see how much regard you have for your husband when he does whats best for him.

[universalangel101]

You're doing awesome, and I applaud you.

 

 

Thanks for the support!

[universalangel101]

The pot calling the kettle black.

 

 

You got married and stayed with a man on conditions and your proud about that?

 

 

 

Not only did you get with someone and stayed with a person who was clearly a commitment phobe, You used ultimatums and had no issues walking away from a man "you love" for a document that simply makes the government the third wheel.

 

 

 

The foundation for the marriage in my opinion is not that great...but that is my opinion. You showed me two thing in this thread. You stuck it out with a commitment phobe and that you will leave when things don't go your way. It was you that got with someone for 5 years knowing the person was not originally not marriage minded and than flip the script on him when he wouldn't marry you. Now your back lashing at posters calling out how they observed this same redundant cycle countless of times.

 

 

 

 

 

You wanted to get married for provision of your future and was willing to walk away from him simply because of a marriage license. If you felt you will be together forever why do you need a marriage license. was it because of provisions for your future?

 

 

 

Now that he is at his happiest... lets observe this new paradigm where the chase is over. Your only 6 months through and pretty cocky about it and now that you got what you wanted you are criticizing anyone who doesn't give you the 2 thumbs up.

 

 

Marriage as some one pointed is very difficult.

 

 

 

You made it clear. You did what was best for YOU. Lets see how much regard you have for your husband when he does whats best for him.

 

 

Sorry you feel that way. That is your opinion. I wont bother defending myself any longer, because clearly you are set in your own opinions. You do not know me and you certainly do NOT know my husband. You cannot declare what will happen and what he is thinking. I really did not ask for your views anyways, so it is really unnecessary. Thanks though. I read your threads and i can see why your this way. Good luck to you and your future.

[universalangel101]

His decision to marry was based on an ultimatum. That's the biggest sort of pressure there can possibly be.

 

 

They may have been together a total of 5 years but it was a rocky road. Including a breakup not more than 6 months prior to the wedding.

 

Our relationship was never rocky. It had a bump on the way, that was all. If relationships do not have bumps in them, that is not a real relationship. We are very compatible with each other and we communicate.There is mutual respect and no abuse ( verbal or physical). You cannot determine weather my relationship will work out or not. That is NOT you call . He chose to marry me ( even tho i only asked if it was going somewhere). I never forced him. He made a choice and i had made mine. Simple! There was no pressure to marry now. He was the one that proposed because he realized this is what he wanted. Anyways i done arguing, this is pointless defending myself.

[universalangel101]

Don't worry about the negativity. You handled things perfectly.

 

Thank you!

 

Much appreciated!

[FMW]

Congratulations! It's nice to hear a good ending.

 

Yes, this site is very negative. Those of us that are hanging around here in the relationship forums are mostly doing so because we've had trouble and heartbreak. The negativity can actually be helpful in breaking away from bad situations so it serves a purpose.

 

Those that are happy and doing well no longer have the need to seek out the stories and advice. So take the doom and gloom with a huge shaker of salt

[ThreeRainbows]

His decision to marry was based on an ultimatum. That's the biggest sort of pressure there can possibly be.

 

 

They may have been together a total of 5 years but it was a rocky road. Including a breakup not more than 6 months prior to the wedding.

 

 

 

 

I think there's an art to ultimatums. I don't know how this lady handled it, personally. The best way (I think), is to ask for what you want, and if your partner says no, you walk away. It isn't bad to let them know you're going to walk away, as long as there's no anger in it, just respect. That's the key with ultimatums - no anger. No power games. Just respect and self-respect.

[Sweetfish]

Sorry you feel that way. That is your opinion. I wont bother defending myself any longer, because clearly you are set in your own opinions. You do not know me and you certainly do NOT know my husband. You cannot declare what will happen and what he is thinking. I really did not ask for your views anyways, so it is really unnecessary. Thanks though. I read your threads and i can see why your this way. Good luck to you and your future.

 

 

 

 

Again.. its an opinion. Ego < Reality

 

 

 

Time will tell. None of my threads have enough information for you to come to any conclusion about my self, who and what I am.

 

 

 

Good luck with you marriage and you have no reason to defend your decisions.

[Sweetfish]

Congratulations! It's nice to hear a good ending.

 

Yes, this site is very negative. Those of us that are hanging around here in the relationship forums are mostly doing so because we've had trouble and heartbreak. The negativity can actually be helpful in breaking away from bad situations so it serves a purpose.

 

Those that are happy and doing well no longer have the need to seek out the stories and advice. So take the doom and gloom with a huge shaker of salt

 

 

keyword Mostly... do not project your problems. Is every thread and post suppose to get positive answers? Huggs and kisses? There are plenty of members who can provide a cloud of positively and sweep any reality or different prospective under the rug.

 

 

 

Would it make you feel better if i jumped on the band wagon and say congrats? Without a doubt its F'ed up that she knowingly knew the guy she was with was a phobe and gave him an ultimatum at the end. Men are notorious for doing this... him or the girl leaves... he has a sense of lost and he runs back.

 

 

 

This does not resolve years of not wanting to commit. The real question is why did he NOT want to commit and 99% of the time men do not want to commit because they believe they can either do better, don't want to be tied down, or have plans to accomplish something else.

 

 

So congrats

[ThreeRainbows]

This does not resolve years of not wanting to commit. The real question is why did he NOT want to commit and 99% of the time men do not want to commit because they believe they can either do better, don't want to be tied down, or have plans to accomplish something else.

 

 

Personally, I think it just has to do with defeating our own ego. Settling, even if it's with our absolute perfect ideal partner, is still giving up the in-love experience, and the idea of sex with other people, for the rest of our lives in exchange for a less intense companionate love. No matter how much you love someone, at some point the newness fades, the honeymoon phase ends, and the sex becomes less novel.

 

 

It comes down to two things: 1) The guy has to be ready for it, and 2) He has to really love this girl.

 

 

 

No shame in it for the OP at all. This guy gave it up for her.

Edited July 28, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

[tlc764]

It sounds to me that the guy made his choice. He clearly does love her. She stated what she wanted and he gave it to her.

 

5 years together is no longer a honeymoon phase.Way past that in fact. So he committed. Why the negative reactions towards the OP? Good for her.

 

If she did not walk away, she would have gotten rude remarks anyway.

 

Do not let the negative remarks bother you.

 

All the best!

[hope86]

He got 5 years? Man I wish I got just 1 more day to change my mind!!! God fate is so cruel. :(