universalangel101 Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 We were dating about 5 years. He always was a commitment phobe, but he eventually fell in love with me. He recently broke up with me because he did not want to get married. I had been hinting at it and it freaked him out. I did the whole begging and pleading, until i decided i had to let go. The moment i let go, he started calling to talk. He says he doesnt want to lose me, but no talk of marriage.. what i should say...i do want to get married. Not today, but in the near future.
BC1980 Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 We were dating about 5 years. He always was a commitment phobe, but he eventually fell in love with me. He recently broke up with me because he did not want to get married. I had been hinting at it and it freaked him out. I did the whole begging and pleading, until i decided i had to let go. The moment i let go, he started calling to talk. He says he doesnt want to lose me, but no talk of marriage.. what i should say...i do want to get married. Not today, but in the near future. Five years is more than enough time to know if you want to marry someone. If he doesn't want to marry you now, then he flat out doesn't want to at all. End of story. You can call it commitment phobia if you want, but the outcome is still the same. He's not going to marry you. And don't sell yourself short. You want to marry him today. If you didn't want to get married right now, you wouldn't have mentioned marriage to him. There is nothing wrong about wanting to get married after 5 years of dating. 8
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 (edited) How much more time are you going to spend with someone who does not have the same goals or plan in life as you? Five years should be more than enough... He has been very clear with you. He loves you, but he does not want to get married. If this is important to you, then he is not the right person for you. I have a dear friend who spent five years in a relationship. He told her that he loved her but he wasn't ready to get married. She left him, married another man, and they now have two beautiful children. He is living with another woman, still not married, and he has no children. Believe him when he tells you that he's not ready and does not want to get married. And, don't waste any more time on a relationship that is going nowhere, if you want to be married and start a family. Whatever you do, stop begging and pleading with him to get married. Giving ultimatums that force a man into doing something that he doesn't want to do - especially something like marriage or children - is a bad idea. It will cause resentment and it will not work out well for you... I'm sorry. Time to move on... Edited July 5, 2017 by BaileyB 3
spiderowl Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 (edited) I would say walk away. This guy is going to be on and off forever. If you want marriage, find a guy who brings up the subject himself. You should not have to hint or persuade anyone. If he is not offering what you need, let him miss you. By chasing him on this matter you put the power in his hands. Take it away and remove yourself from his life. He will pretty soon work out what he really needs then. Edited July 5, 2017 by spiderowl
basil67 Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 He's not your guy. Let him go and find someone who's goals match yours.
d0nnivain Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 How old are you? 5 years dating is a long time but if you started as freshman in high school or even college, just because you have been together for 5 years doesn't mean now is the time to get married. You have already given him an ultimatum of sorts. If he comes back without a ring, you are just in for more of the same. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 How old are you? 5 years dating is a long time but if you started as freshman in high school or even college, just because you have been together for 5 years doesn't mean now is the time to get married. You have already given him an ultimatum of sorts. If he comes back without a ring, you are just in for more of the same. I was about to ask the same thing. What are your respective ages, OP?
elaine567 Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 He always was a commitment phobe. So why have you stuck around with him, wasting 5 years of your life when your intention was to get married? In the "Good Old Days when "everyone" got married it may have been possible to "persuade" him to take a trip down the aisle, but now it is quite acceptable for him to never get married. YOU should have run away the second you found out that about him. Not wanting to lose you is not the same as wanting to marry you. The fact HE broke up with you over the whole marriage thing is worrying. Beware. I guess he now wants to reconcile if you forget the whole marriage "nonsense", or he will offer some "compromise" and before you know it you will have three kids and still no sign of getting married, or you will find his version of "no commitment" involves seeing other women....
Sweetfish Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 So why have you stuck around with him, wasting 5 years of your life when your intention was to get married? In the "Good Old Days when "everyone" got married it may have been possible to "persuade" him to take a trip down the aisle, but now it is quite acceptable for him to never get married. YOU should have run away the second you found out that about him. Not wanting to lose you is not the same as wanting to marry you. The fact HE broke up with you over the whole marriage thing is worrying. Beware. I guess he now wants to reconcile if you forget the whole marriage "nonsense", or he will offer some "compromise" and before you know it you will have three kids and still no sign of getting married, or you will find his version of "no commitment" involves seeing other women.... She did the right thing... marriage is way more important than love. Just find another guy who is willing to submit and sign the paper work. Happy happy. 1
Bastile Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 She did the right thing... marriage is way more important than love. Just find another guy who is willing to submit and sign the paper work. Happy happy. Are you suggesting... there might be some sort of self-interest... involved in "love"? I'm shocked! And appalled! ..... But mostly shocked!
mikeylo Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 He won't marry you. The best of commitment phobes commit , marry and stay married all their lives once they find the girl for them. He might still love you but thats not enough for him. Go NC and move on.
Chilli Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 need the ages first. no guy wants to get married at 25 or something these days.
Redhead14 Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 He always was a commitment phobe -- Five years with one woman is 5 years of being committed. He's not commitment phobic. He is, however, phobic about marrying you . . . You tell him straight up that you want to be married within the year and planning for children and you understand he needs time now to reconsider. Ask him what's specifically causing him to hesitate to marry you -- issues, concerns, etc. then tell him to take 2 weeks to think about it all and call you on Xday and set up a meeting to discuss and start planning or decide to end. Until then you will go no contact. In the meantime, you are preparing to move on. If he comes back to you with a plan, you sit back and observe whether he is making the effort and demonstrating sincerity for X period of time. You make a mental time limit for yourself. I think that unless you give it this "last" chance, you will find yourself doing all the "what ifs" forever -- what if I just gave it a little more time instead of walking away now. Putting a mental time limit on it will give you and him some breathing room. I would recommend just walking now, but after 5 years, I understand the hesitation. This plan is not about an ultimatum, it's about giving yourself and him the opportunity to really evaluate the relationship and to focus on just yourselves for a while. After reflecting on the history, you, yourself may find that there are good reasons for not marrying him. Right now, you both are too close to the situation.
elaine567 Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 She did the right thing... marriage is way more important than love. Just find another guy who is willing to submit and sign the paper work. Happy happy. Does a guy who dumps his gf of 5 years at the mention of marriage, sound like a guy in love? 1
Author universalangel101 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Posted July 26, 2018 (edited) Hey guys, sorry for the late update. Well i have some great news. To answer some of you, we are in our early thirties. I walked away as everyone suggested, i decided to just try and move on and expect nothing. He tried to call me and text and i just told him i need to move on and just let me be. He said he couldn't handle being without me and that he realized how much he loved me and he now wants to get married.. I told him to please think about it, because i don't want him to regret it. He proposed a month later and we are now married for 6 months. I'm very happy and so is he. Thanks for all your support guys. It did help me feel stronger after reading the replies i got from everyone. Edited July 26, 2018 by universalangel101 2
basil67 Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 What a great outcome. Glad you found your power and that using it worked so well for you. Best wishes for your marriage. 1
Normm Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 Despite his understandable reservations about marriage, he married you anyway so he wouldn't lose you. Not a good basis for a lifelong commitment. Don't be surprised if he starts to express resentment at some point, sooner rather than later. 1
Author universalangel101 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Posted July 26, 2018 Despite his understandable reservations about marriage, he married you anyway so he wouldn't lose you. Not a good basis for a lifelong commitment. Don't be surprised if he starts to express resentment at some point, sooner rather than later. i had to laugh at the negativity in your statement. I know that this is forever, and i always knew he and i would get married. I am a very positive person and i trust my instincts. if i had any doubts whatsoever, i would not have taken him back. I never forced him to marry me, i just wanted to know if this was gonna lead to marriage.He could have chosen to say yes we would get married in a few years and i would have continued. I do not waste my time on someone that does not see a future with me, it is pointless. He now is the one to say he is the happiest hes ever been and that marriage was something that always scared him, but he is glad he married me. He is a wonderful husband and we have alot of respect for one another. I have faith in my marriage and my husband, but thanks for stopping in. 1
BC1980 Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 Hey guys, sorry for the late update. Well i have some great news. To answer some of you, we are in our early thirties. I walked away as everyone suggested, i decided to just try and move on and expect nothing. He tried to call me and text and i just told him i need to move on and just let me be. He said he couldn't handle being without me and that he realized how much he loved me and he now wants to get married.. I told him to please think about it, because i don't want him to regret it. He proposed a month later and we are now married for 6 months. I'm very happy and so is he. Thanks for all your support guys. It did help me feel stronger after reading the replies i got from everyone. Thanks for the update. You did the right thing, and it looks like it worked out. I wish you the best.
SevenCity Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 HA! Good for you. I often wonder about the posters recommending you dump him if they could admit they were wrong. Getting married is easy...finding someone who would make a good spouse is hard.
Author universalangel101 Posted July 26, 2018 Author Posted July 26, 2018 HA! Good for you. I often wonder about the posters recommending you dump him if they could admit they were wrong. Getting married is easy...finding someone who would make a good spouse is hard. lol thanks..i guess i would have given the same advice. If i did not leave him, he would not have realized my value. He is an amazing husband and i have a lot of faith in him. I have never doubted his love, i just knew he had a fear of marriage because of his mother and fathers failed marriage.
d0nnivain Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I'm glad you got what you wanted. I am a wet blanket though. Last summer you were breaking up. Now you have been married for 6 months. You had a short engagement. There are a lot of reasons engagements are usually a year or more. Some are practical -- booking the hall, it takes time to make some of the dresses etc. but others are to make sure the couple gives some serious thought to what they are doing. Yes, you are in your 30s, you have good instincts & you were together for 5 years but given his reluctance, I'm not sure I would have pressed forward as fast as you did. It seems to have worked for you because you said he's an amazing husband & you have a lot of faith in him. I married later in life & found my 1st year of marriage to be extremely difficult. Going from being single & independent for all those years to being part of a team was a huge change for me. I had to work at it. Now, 10 years later it's comfortable & second nature. I do wish you the very best.
Author universalangel101 Posted July 27, 2018 Author Posted July 27, 2018 Thanks for the well wishes. We got married in january because that was the only time the whole family could get together and be there with us. It was also his idea. We had a destination wedding. I know alot of people on here seem skeptical, but honestly, i cannot live in fear of my marriage not working out. I have known my husband for a very long time and i would not say we rushed it. I am a pretty positive person, so i live my life to the fullest and try to be optimistic and not let myself fear anything. 2
Rockdad Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I had been hinting at it and it freaked him out.I did the whole begging and pleading, until i decided i had to let go. Before I was done reading the first sentence I thought ya I have seen "hinting" from the ladies much like a Mack truck running the dude over. Then there is was the whole begging and pleading.
Whodatdog Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Theres a lot to be said for this result. So many times we read about women who are with their boyfriends, who want to get married, but their boyfriend doesnt. But they wont leave them, they wont give an ultimatum. Which is perfectly fine! But if you arent willing to stand up for what you want, how can you expect anyone else to? The OP had enough self respect for herself, and she knew exactly what she wanted, and she was willing to do what she had to do to get it. Good for her. 2
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