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With time, love evolves from a feeling to an action - discuss!

jenkins95

By jenkins95
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Birdies Established Member

Birdies

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Have you ever heard that it is not so much that waywards are not getting enough from the marriage, but that they are not GIVING enough?

 

I think this is true. At a certain point, a person who ends up in an affair withdraws their affections. They withdraw their active love. Some people will claim that their feelings went first. That various problems existed within the M to cause diminished loving feelings. That may be true for some. However I believe in my case, I mostly began to behave in ways that created less overall investment in my relationship, and then my feelings followed. Actions and feelings are very much intertwined.

 

This was certainly the case for me in my affair - that my attention was diverted elsewhere, and I withdrew affection and effort from my marriage. BUT - I felt like for some time, I had been the only one still giving enough. So for me, I felt like, well I'm just gonna check out too! And it felt like kind of a relief to finally stop trying so hard without getting it back. However, 1) that's no excuse at all, of course and 2) I think my exhusband also felt like I was checked out in some ways before the affair, so it's not like I was some solitary martyr. At any rate, both of us turning towards each other and communicating would have solved a lot of the issues and resentments.

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Birdies Established Member

Birdies

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(((Birdies!)))!!! Great to see you on this thread!

 

What you say is very much in accordance with what SouthernSun said. You are both posters that I respect a lot, this makes a lot of sense and I'm actually discovering it myself now in reconciliation.

 

I know that you and your xH have been through a lot and you feel bad for the way things happened, but what a wealth of wisdom you now being into your new relationship! It stands you in really really good stead and I wish you nothing but the very best!! x

 

Aw thanks friend! I'm trying to learn from mistakes as the best form of forgiving myself. I feel the same way about you and the multitude of wisdom you provide to people who are plumbing the depths of their souls trying to figure out this thing called life :)

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jenkins95 Established Member

jenkins95

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Aw thanks friend! I'm trying to learn from mistakes as the best form of forgiving myself. I feel the same way about you and the multitude of wisdom you provide to people who are plumbing the depths of their souls trying to figure out this thing called life :)

 

You are one of the truly good guys Birdies. I've felt it since I read your first post and you've given me so much comfort, support and wisdom. I hope you forgive yourself soon - you deserve to be happy!

 

Yes! This thing called life!

 

It's well after midnight here, my wife is asleep on the settee next to me, her feet over my legs, and I'm sitting here with my LS "friends" with a happy tear rolling down my cheek. In the background, Roy Orbison songs are playing in the CD player. I don't normally listen to him, but it's great stuff and certainly adding to my emotional disposition!

 

I can't describe exactly how I feel, but it's as good as I've felt in a long time! I'm due in work in a few hours but I don't want to go to bed yet. This feels kind of magical..... and I don't want to wake up to find it has all turned into a pumpkin! ;)

 

Sorry for the tj..... But hey, it's my thread!

 

Thank you all for being here. So many great people on LS. It's not where we'd choose to meet, but hey, the very fact we are here shows we want to move forwards, right?

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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You are one of the truly good guys Birdies. I've felt it since I read your first post and you've given me so much comfort, support and wisdom. I hope you forgive yourself soon - you deserve to be happy!

 

Yes! This thing called life!

 

It's well after midnight here, my wife is asleep on the settee next to me, her feet over my legs, and I'm sitting here with my LS "friends" with a happy tear rolling down my cheek. In the background, Roy Orbison songs are playing in the CD player. I don't normally listen to him, but it's great stuff and certainly adding to my emotional disposition!

 

I can't describe exactly how I feel, but it's as good as I've felt in a long time! I'm due in work in a few hours but I don't want to go to bed yet. This feels kind of magical..... and I don't want to wake up to find it has all turned into a pumpkin! ;)

 

Sorry for the tj..... But hey, it's my thread!

 

Thank you all for being here. So many great people on LS. It's not where we'd choose to meet, but hey, the very fact we are here shows we want to move forwards, right?

 

That is such a wonderful post Jenkins. So pleased for you both.

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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IMO actions are the wheels that keep the feelings moving along. Actions include so many little things - making your partner a cup of tea in the morning, when H doesn't have to get up early I'll pop out and get him a newspaper, making two pans of curry because he doesn't like coconut milk in his, impromptu kisses etc. And then your partner feels more loved and therefore more loving and performs similar actions for you. After a while the actions are just prompted by feelings of love and appreciation and don't have to be a deliberate decision. Then the wheels are moving the car and the car's engine is moving the wheels.

 

It's so ridiculously simple!! It makes me wonder why it took us so many years to realise it, years where resentment and hurt did so much damage. We were trying to drive a car without functioning wheels.

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jenkins95 Established Member

jenkins95

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That is such a wonderful post Jenkins. So pleased for you both.

 

Thank you so much waterwoman!

 

Coming from someone who has been around since I joined LS, who contributed to my first thread and who I have always respected and whose posts I have gained a huge amount from and will continue to do so, this means an awful lot.

 

I am smiling now thanks to you! :D

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jenkins95 Established Member

jenkins95

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IMO actions are the wheels that keep the feelings moving along. Actions include so many little things - making your partner a cup of tea in the morning, when H doesn't have to get up early I'll pop out and get him a newspaper, making two pans of curry because he doesn't like coconut milk in his, impromptu kisses etc. And then your partner feels more loved and therefore more loving and performs similar actions for you. After a while the actions are just prompted by feelings of love and appreciation and don't have to be a deliberate decision. Then the wheels are moving the car and the car's engine is moving the wheels.

 

It's so ridiculously simple!! It makes me wonder why it took us so many years to realise it, years where resentment and hurt did so much damage. We were trying to drive a car without functioning wheels.

 

You are so right - the formula is that simple! You've found it now and so have I.

 

I see it clearly now. But like you, it took me years to get it. Why on earth did I have to go through one bout of depression (in which I wouldn't talk about my issues - crazy)...and then have an affair (even more crazy)...to get to this point!

 

Oh well, having learned this lesson, I am sure as hell not going to "un-learn" it! ;)

 

Good luck all!

 

I love cocunut in curries, by the way waterwoman! You last post made me smile, this one has my mouth watering! :p

Southern Sun Established Member

Southern Sun

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Hi friends...

 

Waterwoman liked my post, so this thread popped up for me. It made me think about this again. I said that you can't behave lovingly towards just anyone and fall in love with them, and I still believe that. I think there has to be some sort of attraction of course. BUT...I can trace back towards the very beginnings of my affair, before it was really an affair, and note that I was starting those behaviors towards my AP. When you start, even subtly, "being there" for each other, taking care of one another, meeting each other's needs, I think you are treading on dangerous ground.

 

I very much "took care" of my AP, but it was all work-related. He did completely depend on me though. I became a support, someone to lean on. He began to confide in me. However, it was still on related to work. I did not view that as inappropriate, so I couldn't see it for what it was. He seemed to really need help and I was glad to be there.

 

Looking back though, I see that I was meeting a need no one else was, and that is likely what started thoughts and feelings to begin to flow between us.

 

Interesting how that works.

 

I am also wondering what that says about my M...or maybe if it was something I would have liked to get out of my M and didn't realize. To feel needed or appreciated. Something. I am quite sure my H did rely on me and appreciate me, but when you get into that same ol'...I did not have self-awareness.

wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

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IMO actions are the wheels that keep the feelings moving along. Actions include so many little things - making your partner a cup of tea in the morning, when H doesn't have to get up early I'll pop out and get him a newspaper, making two pans of curry because he doesn't like coconut milk in his, impromptu kisses etc. And then your partner feels more loved and therefore more loving and performs similar actions for you. After a while the actions are just prompted by feelings of love and appreciation and don't have to be a deliberate decision. Then the wheels are moving the car and the car's engine is moving the wheels.

 

It's so ridiculously simple!! It makes me wonder why it took us so many years to realise it, years where resentment and hurt did so much damage. We were trying to drive a car without functioning wheels.

 

You make a really great point.

 

It doesn't have to be complicated. For instance, every day on his way home form work, my husband picks me up a cup of coffee. It's a small thing, but by that point in the day, I've been writing all day and need a mental break.

 

It doesn't even have to be actions, sometimes it's just thoughts. Like you mention, making an extra pan of food because you know it's how he prefers it. In your mind, that effort is worth it because it makes him happy.

 

It sounds like he reciprocates and the cycle keeps on going. That's what it is in a lot of ways, the more you put in, the better you feel and the more you want to put in.

 

So long as it's appreciated and reciprocated, this is one of the glues that holds a long term relationship together

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