Hookup or is this normal dating these days?

July 5, 2017

Guys I recently got back in touch with a guy I knew via work. After moved to another department I don't see him anymore. We actually met but never talk, we have mutual friends from work and also off work. So here the thing. After disconnected we matched on an app and so we talk.

Then one thing let to another he suggested us go for dinner and then having some drink. It was a fun night even though there's some short period of silence. Well we ran out of things to talk about I guess?

The problem is, he asked me a few times if I want to go to his place because everyone is away and he doesn't want to be alone.

I rejected it though. I don't **** on the first date. But we did arrange for a come over this weekend.

I'm looking for a serious relationship where things getting slowly and have time to bonding. I have a vibe that he just wanna hookup, I don't have any problems with it but since we have mutual friends I don't know if it's a good idea for me to hookup with him? He might going around telling his friends and once the reputation is destroyed it's hard to build back.

July 5, 2017

If you're looking for a serious relationship, focus on guys looking for the same. This guy is looking for a fling. Waste of your time if you're being honest about what you want out of dating.

July 5, 2017

oneinamillion93, I agree with your post. Seems he's looking for a hookup and doing that could ruin your reputation with others...

July 5, 2017

If you're looking for a serious relationship, focus on guys looking for the same. This guy is looking for a fling. Waste of your time if you're being honest about what you want out of dating.

The thing is why is it so hard to find someone who wants a serious relationship these days? I meant, they always want sex first and then decided if they want to date you again if the sex went well, or at least they got some physical intimacy.

Almost all the guys I went on dates with are like that. Some also disappeared after I rejected sex straight forward.

What happens with men these days?

July 5, 2017

oneinamillion93, I agree with your post. Seems he's looking for a hookup and doing that could ruin your reputation with others...

So I should bail then I think? If I say I couldn't make it that day and he disappeared then we know his intentions

July 5, 2017

The thing is why is it so hard to find someone who wants a serious relationship these days? I meant, they always want sex first and then decided if they want to date you again if the sex went well, or at least they got some physical intimacy.
Almost all the guys I went on dates with are like that. Some also disappeared after I rejected sex straight forward.
What happens with men these days?

It's the type of men you choose to go after. Select differently.

July 5, 2017

It's the type of men you choose to go after. Select differently.

Maybe it is?

I always wanted someone who's extroverted cause I'm an introverted. I want someone who dressed well, funny and what not.

Is there anything wrong with my ability to determine if someone is good or bad or their intentions?

Or the vibe I gave off make them think I'm into casual or hookup?

The last time I checked, I know I am that flirty or sluty. Just don't know what's wrong with me

July 5, 2017

Almost all the men I've dated have been extroverts and incredibly funny, popular guys. I am also an extrovert. It's not about being extroverted or having a sense of humor. None of them had an expectation that we would start with sex then go from there. That wasn't even in the table. They were focused on seeing if we had an emotional connection, were compatible, and could build a relationship.

What you encounter is primarily a function of your choice in men and then the messages (primarily unspoken) that you convey.

For starters, rethink how you select the men you date. The world is full of funny, gregarious guys. (70% of guys in the US are funny and extroverted.) You're going for a tiny subset of those guys. What other characteristics do you prioritize? What traits do you ignore?

July 5, 2017

Almost all the men I've dated have been extroverts and incredibly funny, popular guys. I am also an extrovert. It's not about being extroverted or having a sense of humor. None of them had an expectation that we would start with sex then go from there. That wasn't even in the table. They were focused on seeing if we had an emotional connection, were compatible, and could build a relationship.

What you encounter is primarily a function of your choice in men and then the messages (primarily unspoken) that you convey.

For starters, rethink how you select the men you date. The world is full of funny, gregarious guys. (70% of guys in the US are funny and extroverted.) You're going for a tiny subset of those guys. What other characteristics do you prioritize? What traits do you ignore?

Then why it's happened to me all the time like I don't get it?

Guys almost get touchy feely right on the first date. Some disappeared after not getting what they want. Some keep asking me to go to his place.

Even if it's guys I met at work or guys I met online. It's all the same.

I think maybe the problem here is Me? I wanted someone who playful and somewhat leading me on so I attracted Jerk because I'm too submissive?

Anyway I just want to know if it's how modern dating nowadays or it's only happens to me.

July 5, 2017

If you have so little trust in his integrity that you actually think after sleeping with you he'd discuss details of your liaison with mutual friends, do not go to his house.

Before going to his house & certainly before sex, discuss his expectations. If they don't match yours move on to a new guy.

July 5, 2017

He might going around telling his friends and once the reputation is destroyed it's hard to build back -- If you did have a one-night stand and he does something like this, he's a dbag and very immature.

However, since you are using a little forethought here and you are concerned about having an ONS and repercussions, it's simply best to err on the side of caution and not do that.

I have a vibe that he just wanna hookup, I don't have any problems with it

I'm looking for a serious relationship -- If this is true, you don't sleep with him until you at least have a conversation about what you are looking for out of your dating journey and find out if he is on the same overall page. If not, you move on. Don't compromise on your dating goals ever -- I mean, if you want a relationship for yourself, don't have one-night stands/hook ups. If you are able to handle an one-night stand/hook up accept that that may be the outcome of a new dating scenario, fine, go ahead but don't spin it back on the man. You own it and move on if necessary.

Women lie to themselves all the time about hook ups but the truth is usually that they sleep with a guy even though they want a relationship for themselves thinking that that will bond him to her or that he is more serious than he really is and without have a dating goals conversation.

Find out what this guy wants for himself . . . guys are usually honest about all that.

But we did arrange for a come over this weekend - I would postpone this if I were you until you have a clear conversation with him.

And, by the way, I think this guy just wants sex so don't expect much or give much . . .

Edited July 5, 2017 by Redhead14

July 5, 2017

If you have so little trust in his integrity that you actually think after sleeping with you he'd discuss details of your liaison with mutual friends, do not go to his house.

@ oneinamillion93:

Just one example of the many reasons I brought up your selection of men being the issue. Again, really give some thought to what types of men you select. What it is about them that attracts you and makes you want to date them. What traits are you prioritizing? What do you ignore?

For example, here is a guy who is just interested in hooking up. Yet despite your claim that you're looking for a relationship, you want to head over to his even though you're worried he'll regale your social circle with what went down. Yet you want to see him? Why???

Edited July 5, 2017 by angel.eyes

July 5, 2017

And, "I don't f*** a man on the first date" -- If you want to set a clear boundary and establish your intent for seeking a relationship, the statement should be "I don't f*** a man until I have spent some good quality time with him and he has been demonstrating sincere interest in me and it has nothing to do with a first, second or even third date . . . "

July 5, 2017

If you have so little trust in his integrity that you actually think after sleeping with you he'd discuss details of your liaison with mutual friends, do not go to his house.

Before going to his house & certainly before sex, discuss his expectations. If they don't match yours move on to a new guy.

I think this way because I don't know him much actually and I prepare myself for the worst that he'll going to tell people around. Or maybe just to make some 'unintended' comments about us.

He might going around telling his friends and once the reputation is destroyed it's hard to build back -- If you did have a one-night stand and he does something like this, he's a dbag and very immature.

However, since you are using a little forethought here and you are concerned about having an ONS and repercussions, it's simply best to err on the side of caution and not do that.

I have a vibe that he just wanna hookup, I don't have any problems with it

I'm looking for a serious relationship -- If this is true, you don't sleep with him until you at least have a conversation about what you are looking for out of your dating journey and find out if he is on the same overall page. If not, you move on. Don't compromise on your dating goals ever -- I mean, if you want a relationship for yourself, don't have one-night stands/hook ups. If you are able to handle an one-night stand/hook up accept that that may be the outcome of a new dating scenario, fine, go ahead but don't spin it back on the man. You own it and move on if necessary.

Women lie to themselves all the time about hook ups but the truth is usually that they sleep with a guy even though they want a relationship for themselves thinking that that will bond him to her or that he is more serious than he really is and without have a dating goals conversation.

Find out what this guy wants for himself . . . guys are usually honest about all that.

But we did arrange for a come over this weekend - I would postpone this if I were you until you have a clear conversation with him.

And, by the way, I think this guy just wants sex so don't expect much or give much . . .

I think about postponing it. If we talk again I might tell him this and be clear to him.

I have a obsession thought with being judged by others. If I go out partying and met a totally stranger there I wouldn't think that much of a ONS or such but since we have mutual friends, people know each other bla bla it'll destroy my reputation. I'm not growing up at a religious girl but my parents are. So I'm pretty old fashioned in some way.

And, "I don't f*** a man on the first date" -- If you want to set a clear boundary and establish your intent for seeking a relationship, the statement should be "I don't f*** a man until I have spent some good quality time with him and he has been demonstrating sincere interest in me and it has nothing to do with a first, second or even third date . . . "

My problem is maybe I'm too submissive I guess. I can follow people demand or suggestions as long as it's not going to affect me in a bad way.

@ oneinamillion93:
Just one example of the many reasons I brought up your selection of men being the issue. Again, really give some thought to what types of men you select. What it is about them that attracts you and makes you want to date them. What traits are you prioritizing? What do you ignore?

For example, here is a guy who is just interested in hooking up. Yet despite your claim that you're looking for a relationship, you want to head over to his even though you're worried he'll regale your social circle with what went down. Yet you want to see him? Why???

Here is the thing, I wanna try if something happens at all. Like maybe after sex there will be a bond between us. But it's just like a bet on a lottery, the chance is just 50/50.

July 5, 2017

If he already suggested going to his place on the first date, .....next him for crying out loud. It's pretty obvious he just wants to F*&^. I can't believe you are humming and hawing about his intentions.......

July 5, 2017

I think this way because I don't know him much actually and I prepare myself for the worst that he'll going to tell people around. Or maybe just to make some 'unintended' comments about us.

I think about postponing it. If we talk again I might tell him this and be clear to him.
I have a obsession thought with being judged by others. If I go out partying and met a totally stranger there I wouldn't think that much of a ONS or such but since we have mutual friends, people know each other bla bla it'll destroy my reputation. I'm not growing up at a religious girl but my parents are. So I'm pretty old fashioned in some way.

My problem is maybe I'm too submissive I guess. I can follow people demand or suggestions as long as it's not going to affect me in a bad way.

Here is the thing, I wanna try if something happens at all. Like maybe after sex there will be a bond between us. But it's just like a bet on a lottery, the chance is just 50/50.

You are dreaming.............an watch too many romantic comedies.

July 5, 2017

You are dreaming.............an watch too many romantic comedies.

I wouldn't say that but I think I'm a little bit too naive for this games.

July 5, 2017

One, the bigger issue is not whether you trust him to tell or not. The bigger issue is do you trust yourself?

If you like the guy go out with him. If he wants you to be at his house ask him what the plan is there. Does he have bikes you're going to ride, are you going to play tennis there, swim, whatever?

If he just wants you to hang out at his house and you know him to be someone who won't force himself on you and your trust yourself to hold your boundaries then go if you want to.

If you sleep with this guy or most any guy chances (may be a very small chance with some men, but the chance is still there) are that they will tell others. The guy may not, it's a chance you take with most any guy. Even married men whose wives think they have integrity and are beyond betraying the wife, do betray the wife sometimes. So, just because you date a guy with integrity is no guard against him telling just one person who is sworn to secrecy but then ends up telling another and your secret is out.

If you don't want something spread around the gossip chain, don't do it. Easy solution.

July 5, 2017

The thing is why is it so hard to find someone who wants a serious relationship these days? I meant, they always want sex first and then decided if they want to date you again if the sex went well, or at least they got some physical intimacy.
Almost all the guys I went on dates with are like that. Some also disappeared after I rejected sex straight forward.
What happens with men these days?

Your looking the wrong type of guy then. I can say I am not like that at all. But from man point of view I always felt that's what the women are looking at. What should happen all those who want serious relationship to join a group that is into that. But again who's going to join a group. Random dating is mostly what everyone is doing today see if you click with each other than go from there. But you point before even meet this guys should hey I am looking for a serious relationship, but to build into one. That way those who want casual sex, or just mere hookups will never show up. Got to weed out the weeds I say..

July 5, 2017

Here is the thing, I wanna try if something happens at all. Like maybe after sex there will be a bond between us. But it's just like a bet on a lottery, the chance is just 50/50.

You can give yourself better odds if you don't sleep with a man early. Sex does not create a bond. Too many women on these boards seem to think that if a man has sex with them, it's some higher sign of real interest. The fact is that it's not. And, with this guy, it's not a 50/50 because he's already demonstrating that he's likely after one thing.

Yeah, we've all heard stories of couples who had sex on the first date and later married -- but we haven't heard all the back end of these stories and whether or not they were successful or not.

Have a conversation with him about each of your overall dating goals next time you see him. And, even if he says he's looking for a relationship for himself, you sit back and observe whether he dates you that way by being consistent with communication and setting up dates, no last minute dates, no alluding to sex for a while.

But it's just like a bet on a lottery, the chance is just 50/50. -- You are not a lottery prize that can be won by a stranger on a $1 ticket . . .

July 5, 2017

One, the bigger issue is not whether you trust him to tell or not. The bigger issue is do you trust yourself?

If you like the guy go out with him. If he wants you to be at his house ask him what the plan is there. Does he have bikes you're going to ride, are you going to play tennis there, swim, whatever?

If he just wants you to hang out at his house and you know him to be someone who won't force himself on you and your trust yourself to hold your boundaries then go if you want to.

I think this maybe the cause. I don't even trust myself.

Your looking the wrong type of guy then. I can say I am not like that at all. But from man point of view I always felt that's what the women are looking at.

So you're saying that it's from both side not only one? Maybe I gave off the vibe that I want to have some fun as well.

Here is the thing, I wanna try if something happens at all. Like maybe after sex there will be a bond between us. But it's just like a bet on a lottery, the chance is just 50/50.

You can give yourself better odds if you don't sleep with a man early. Sex does not create a bond. Too many women on these boards seem to think that if a man has sex with them, it's some higher sign of real interest. The fact is that it's not. And, with this guy, it's not a 50/50 because he's already demonstrating that he's likely after one thing

But it's just like a bet on a lottery, the chance is just 50/50. -- You are not a lottery prize that can be won by a stranger on a $1 ticket . . .

You are right. I'll let it go then. Perhaps I was forcing myself into any "potential" relationship that I say yes to anyone that show me their interests.

July 5, 2017

Perhaps I was forcing myself into any "potential" relationship that I say yes to anyone that show me their interests.-- Saying yes to quality interest is fine, saying yes to questionable interest/intent and/or sex is a whole 'nother thing.

When you are doing what you talking about here, what you are saying yes to is the idea and hope that your dating journey may be over without using insight and forethought and not being focused.

July 5, 2017

Why didn't you tell him something like " it's a little early to be going to your place or better yet sure I'll bring my friend and bring a friend " haha

July 5, 2017

I think this maybe the cause. I don't even trust myself.

So you're saying that it's from both side not only one? Maybe I gave off the vibe that I want to have some fun as well.

Yes I want fun also and I am very playful. No one wants a boring romantic life. I am far from it you should try to give off a different vibe indeed! Enjoy life have fun let your hair down as they say! LOL

July 5, 2017

Here is the thing, I wanna try if something happens at all. Like maybe after sex there will be a bond between us. But it's just like a bet on a lottery, the chance is just 50/50.

Where do I even begin?!?

There is what people claim they want, and what they really want. Their actions and choices give this away.

You are no different than the person who claims to want to lose weight and be healthy, bemoans constantly how impossible it is to lose weight despite all their best efforts, but day in and day out, does nothing but gorge on cheese fries and extra large pizzas, chased by a chocolate cake and Twinkies, and swished down with a vat of ice cream and a Big Gulp of Coke, all while refusing to lift a finger.

In your case, you claim you want a relationship because you're not the kind of girl who does ONS (plus your parents are religious:laugh:). Yet you:

only choose hookups
based on your dating history only pick guys who want nothing more than a hookup or ONS
put yourself in situations where it's clearly going to be nothing but a hookup or ONS
can't even trust your ONSs to keep their blabbing mouths shut about the hookups and the freak you are during these ONS.

But who knows? Maybe with a generous helping of pixie dust and a pound of wishful thinking, you'll hit the relationship jackpot with this new hookup prospect who is also being crystal clear that he's looking for nothing more than a little action in yet another random NSA encounter.

Again, you get what you choose. You choose guys who don't see you as relationship material and only want ONSs with you. You signal to them that you welcome a chance to randomly hookup with them and fly your freak flag. You get ONSs.

This is no different than if you constantly indulge in gluttony. You'll gain weight!

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Hookup or is this normal dating these days?

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