How do I handle this situation that fell in my lap??

[Emaize3]

Hi- I think I've been in every topic on this site. Why can't I get it right? Anyway, I met a man 3.5 months ago and it was an instant connection. He is so kind, fun and talented. We can talk for hours and we are in our 40's and 50's. About 2 months in , he confesses that he's an alcoholic and relapsed. I had NO idea.

 

However he never drank alcohol- so he was sober. I was with him for 3 days while he weaned himself and got sober. He is sober almost a month now. I've never seen him as a falling down drunk even when he drank but he is an alcoholic. I support him and even went to AA with him. Tried al Anon and wasn't a fan. Anyway, he said he needed to take the bf/gf title off because he can't offer me anything at the moment as far as a major commitment goes and his sobriety os priority. Basically, friends with benes.

 

I was crushed! I want him to get well but we still see each other like the relationship hasn't changed. I know a lot of people may think he's using me and we talked about it and he said he does not want to use me- therefore if I want to see others, I can. He just wants to take one day at a time. I told him I loved him which kind of freaked him out. He doesn't love me- so he says. We both said- Especially him - that I will always be in his life and he never wants to say goodbye, which makes me think he may love me. We even are thinking about taking a short cruise together.

 

Anyway, I consider myself a love addict and I'm slowly dying inside over this. I'm making myself sick. Yes it's been 3 months but I know we have an intense connection. I've had lots of relationships and I do love him. The fear of being without him and abandonment is real. So I can carry on as we are but it hurts because between AA and his young son and work, and he is emotionally unavailable, etc etc. I see him once a week and am not a priority. I can easily a). leave him or b). be his friend or c). stay with him but it all hurts. On the flip side, I don't have it in me to date, but I know an attractive man who I used to do fwb with. I can do that again- which may help me get my focus off my man.

 

And NO, counseling will not and does not help. I feel super lost. I just want to be with a man for the long haul. I've worked on me- been happy single - blah blah. I have not had a real partner stick around. Which is why I'm addicted to a person I love. And I have been told that I'm the best gf ever by exs but then it's too late. So any advice please regarding my current man and possibly seeing another? Be gentle please.

Edited July 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to BBU

[William]

Moderator bump due to thread location change. Also added paragraphs.

[d0nnivain]

Read up about the law of attraction. It says that people reverberate on certain wave lengths. When you are sad or broken, that's the vibe you give off & you attract similarly broken people. When you are happy, at peace with yourself & upbeat you attract likeminded healthy people.

 

 

So how do you get yourself into a place where you are happy & fulfilled without being a relationship? To try to use the relationship to make yourself happy & fulfilled never works because that is external to you.

[1fish2fish]

So, here's the thing about alcoholics, and this comes straight from my exH, who is an alcoholic and has been sober for over 30 years.

 

He said that alcoholics are by default emotionally unavailable. That's a characteristic of alcoholism. He also said that it takes a good 2 years minimum before an alcoholic has learned proper and healthy coping skills, and only then can they learn how to love - meaning, putting their partner's needs ahead of their own. This is why most AA sponsors warn their newly sober members not to get into a new relationship for a couple of years. They haven't learned the skills yet to be emotionally there for a partner.

 

My last r'ship was with a very high functioning alcoholic and the exH told me that if I chose to stay with him, I needed to get myself into Alanon so I would have support because I was becoming codependent. I chose to leave the r'ship instead.

 

His sobriety is his priority, not you, and this is the way it has to be in order for him to maintain it. I'm sorry, but this is the truth.

 

As far as you being a love addict, that's a whole 'nother issue, but be careful, or you will wind up codependent on this guy. You said you tried Alanon, but it wasn't for you. Try a different group instead and see how that feels. You will need the support.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Emaize3]

Well, he read me like a book. He knows I'm clinging to a relationship that isn't there. He used to "cling" to relationships too. He doesn't want to hurt me further so if that means seeing him "hurts" he'd rather not do it. Apparently, we both need work but I am so in love with this man. He told me to read a certain book to help with fears and anxiety (we're both anxiety sufferers and so much alike). He wants me to be free of my demons too. I'll read this book and try to let go of a fantasy. So hard. I love a man so much and he doesn't love me- but cares enough to help me. I feel so lost

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear you of this development. I suppose you don't need me telling you you are better off out of it if he is an alcoholic, bit I will. He may stay sober; he may not.

 

I don't think him being an alcoholic is the reason he does not want commitment. He is just not as involved as you. He said he doesn't love you. That is one hell of a reason for not staying with someone. He does not make you a priority. What is the point of a relationship with this man?

 

If you just want casual sex once in a while when he is available, then fine, but you want more. I know all the options hurt; this happens when dating. You can either stay in a totally unsatisfactory situation or decide to move on and see what transpires with someone else. I do feel that once that decision is made, something happens and other opportunities arise. It is as though the subconscious mind can then look at other options.

 

You sound like a nice person with lots of love to give to someone. Don't rush to offer that to anyone who seems nice. Give yourself chance to get to know them and see how they turn out - at least 3 months or longer. People cannot maintain control for much longer than that if they have serious issues.

 

The future really could be bright. With this guy though, it will be up and down and demoralising. Why not move on to find someone who genuinely loves you?

[BluesPower]

Let's take a breath...

 

So you know that at some point you have to get a handle on the love addiction thing, at the very least so you can think clearly.

 

I know that stuff is hard but it is clouding your judgment.

 

He may not be in a place where he can be in a relationship and thank god he has sense enough to understand that about himself.

 

Imagine how hard it would be if he was a jerk and led you on until he just had to get out for no reason. That would be worse.

 

I get where you are coming from though. I am actually having some of the same issues with my new GF. She is having a hard time with her issues from past relationships, and both of us fell in love like fools. I know a lot of people will laugh at me for letting that happen.

 

She is having a hard time letting herself go and letting herself fall deeper in love with me. And, she has some issues with my past in general and a few of my Exs specifically.

 

I like a fool let myself go and fall in love and this whole thing may not work out. I still don't regret it though, it feels great being in love until it does not.

 

Maybe this guy will get it together and maybe he won't. It would be silly for you to wait around for him, who knows who you might stumble over.

 

But you may not want to allow yourself to get too deep until you can be sure of things.

 

Just hang in there...

[Emaize3]

I must admit it's hard to read these replies even though all the people replying are looking out for me. I realaize nobody here knows him, but I fell in love for a reason. Also, the relapse happened while dating me (twice) so he has to focus on sobriety or he could die. He's not a miserable drunk- although I'm sure he could be! Anyway, I do want to continue to see him. He's a very positive person and we do care about eachother. I know I don't get all of him but I'm not ready to date others. Maybe someday. I told him he's not emotionally available and he said that I perceive him that way. He does want a relationship but not while working on himself and clearly I need to work on me too.

[spiderowl]

I must admit it's hard to read these replies even though all the people replying are looking out for me. I realaize nobody here knows him, but I fell in love for a reason. Also, the relapse happened while dating me (twice) so he has to focus on sobriety or he could die. He's not a miserable drunk- although I'm sure he could be! Anyway, I do want to continue to see him. He's a very positive person and we do care about eachother. I know I don't get all of him but I'm not ready to date others. Maybe someday. I told him he's not emotionally available and he said that I perceive him that way. He does want a relationship but not while working on himself and clearly I need to work on me too.

 

I know you like him and are emotionally involved with him. He's not emotionally available to you. Do you think he ever will be? You could be waiting a long time.