AndyB2000 Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 Hi guys. I have been engaged to my fiancé who I love very much. Wedding invites are out hotel rooms have been booked. I am now having cold feet and freaking out. I love her so much and cannot bear to lose her but I have a gut feeling since I proposed and I have no real reason why I feel this way or explanation. She is an incredible person and I love her dearly. Some background on me, I am early thirties professional and this is my third relationship. My personality is always taking my time to decide and be indecisive. My fiancé sort of gave me an ultimatum and put some pressure on me after some time dating. I know that's not the best way to propose but people that know me like family said "oh that's just what he needs a little push he's so laid back!". Maybe that's true but I feel I shouldn't have been pressured. Also, to call this off so close will be hugely embarrassing. People at work are invited too and lots of family. My family loves my fiancé and her family loves me also. I feel so embarrassed and like I'm letting down my cousins in the bridal party and family. I'm so confused and maybe I need thrlerapy I'm not sure. Any help is great thanks !
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 I'm so sorry you're feeling this way . How long have you been together? You can't go through life making decisions based on what will upset people who are not directly impacted for the long term (like you will be). May be a good time to use the five year rule when thinking about "everyone else" besides you and your fiance. In five years, would this decision (either way) have an impact on the lives of all of the cousins, friends, etc.? Will your decision have an impact on yours? 1
basil67 Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 (edited) My fiancé sort of gave me an ultimatum and put some pressure on me after some time dating. I know that's not the best way to propose but people that know me like family said "oh that's just what he needs a little push he's so laid back!". Maybe that's true but I feel I shouldn't have been pressured. Short of holding a gun at your head, a woman cannot force you to propose. Would you have preferred that she just walked away without giving you a chance to right the situation which was making her reconsider? I'm not being mean - I'm just pointing out the alternative to her telling you she was contemplating leaving. Perhaps considering the alternative may give you clarity. Edited July 4, 2017 by basil67
d0nnivain Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 What is at the root of your cold feet? If there are genuine problems like infidelity, trust, or drug addiction, call it off. If you are worried about change & the unknown or being "tied down" to one person forever, take some deep calming breaths. Think about all the good things about your relationship. Imagine a happy fulfilling life together. If you haven't gone for pre-marital counseling get some. 1
dichotomy Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 (edited) Hi guys. I have been engaged to my fiancé who I love very much. Wedding invites are out hotel rooms have been booked. I am now having cold feet and freaking out. I love her so much and cannot bear to lose her but I have a gut feeling since I proposed and I have no real reason why I feel this way or explanation. She is an incredible person and I love her dearly. Some background on me, I am early thirties professional and this is my third relationship. My personality is always taking my time to decide and be indecisive. My fiancé sort of gave me an ultimatum and put some pressure on me after some time dating. I know that's not the best way to propose but people that know me like family said "oh that's just what he needs a little push he's so laid back!". Maybe that's true but I feel I shouldn't have been pressured. Also, to call this off so close will be hugely embarrassing. People at work are invited too and lots of family. My family loves my fiancé and her family loves me also. I feel so embarrassed and like I'm letting down my cousins in the bridal party and family. I'm so confused and maybe I need therapy I'm not sure. Any help is great thanks ! You have had three relationships and your in your early 30's. I assume these were multi year relationships? Have you learned anything from these - interms of yourself or what you want or dont want from a relationship? You say you love her can can't stand to loose her - then don't. but then again - I have ignored gut feelings before and wish I had not. You are normally indecisive and like a long time to decide things - I am kind of like that myself. Here is my view about marriage (on my second) - love and feelings are important - but there are some fundamentals I think are more important like shared future goals - work, travel, home, kids. Similar life styles. Commitment to each others needs (like sex) and more. Having each others "back" looking out for each other against all others. I hope you can express your concerns for what you need to feel comfortable getting married. If I could do it all again - I would have some very practical discussions about what I needed or expected in a marriage - stupid things I Just assumed my wife would share with me. I dont know if you are getting married at a church - but many places offer pre martial counseling. Perhaps you should look into this - along with individual therapy. A good pre marriage therapist can help you and your gal review all the things you should discuss. My church did a wonderful job on assessing our compatibility in all areas - except they ignored sex, past relationships, and cheating. Guess what ? - Except in those 3 areas we are VERY compatible. So dont leave out any topics or questions ! Here is a sample page. https://dr-jim.com/12-topics-and-75-questions.html Edited July 5, 2017 by dichotomy 1
Steve51 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 If this helps, I used to vomit every time my fiance entered the same room as me starting a month before the wedding. I was getting anxiety attacks months before that which went away when we cancelled our big formal wedding in favor for just immediate family and a reception at my wife's parent's house. We were overwhelmed with all the planning, bickering, interference of parents, and cost. The anxiety ramped up again a month before our wedding date and I asked my wife to be to stay away from me as much as possible. Good start to a marriage. I drank too much the day of our wedding so I do not remember much of it. Wish I had Xanax back then. My best man was nowhere to be found and it was now a half an hour past starting time at the church. I chose another friend to be my best man but at the last moment, my original best man showed up. A year later, a friend of mine took me aside to ask me an embarrassing question. He said that he felt nauseous whenever his fiance was near him. I related my story to him and he felt better. Seems it is common to get cold feet before the marriage. In my case, we got engaged 3 weeks after we met each other and the wedding was 8 months later. I think our families thought that my wife got pregnant and we wanted to get married before the baby came. They were dead wrong as we never had children. Talk about made for each other, it turned out that we were both sterile. I questioned myself about marrying a woman I hardly knew but had a lot of love for and a feeling that we would never leave each other. At worse case, there is always divorce which half of married couples take advantage of, so it was not a mistake that could not me undone. P.S. - I was able to buy a new house one year after our wedding due to all the money we saved by not having a lavish wedding. We are now married 45 years and no more nausea. 2
Arieswoman Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 AndyB, IMO I also think what's freaking you out is the actually wedding, not the idea of being married. When I got married for the 1st time it was a simple civil ceremony, followed by a meal at a hotel for about 24 guests. I was OK with that When I got married for the 2nd time it was a church wedding, matrons of honour, flowers, organist, reception at posh hotel, dancing, buffet, bar etc etc and about 100 guests (not counting all those from the congregation that turned up at the church !) I started having sleepless nights a month beforehand, felt sick and shaky all through the ceremony and couldn't wait to get back to the hotel room. Have you thought about scaling down the wedding, as Steve51 did?
No_Go Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 When I saw this: My fiancé sort of gave me an ultimatum and put some pressure on me after some time dating. I completely understood how you feel. This is absolutely awful. In a situation like this I'd feel trapped as well. I just can't understand women that like to 'beg' to get engaged. What kind of relationship does it create? Was she happy to get a ring that she had to ask for :sick:? If you love her and rationally want to be with her, just brace through the wedding nonsense. It is just a month. After that you'd have your life in control again (of course if you want to be with her haha, but I assume so, I think in your case it is not cold feet but resentment from the forced proposal).
knabe Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 I am not sure if you should marry or not, but I'll share this and you can take it for what you will... I won't get into the long story of my first marriage, but the farther down the aisle I walked at my wedding the more panicky and deep gut sick feeling I got. I remember telling myself "I have to. I'm here!" I pushed it away as nerves. Now, I cannot say I regret getting married because I LOVE my children. I cannot imagine life without them. BUT...my marriage was not a success (obviously). There were some good things, but there was a lot of pain, hurt, and loneliness. And we were different in so many ways I didn't realize, even after several years of knowing each other and dating. So don't panic, but examine where this is coming from. Like I said, I LOVE my children, but I spent over ten years feeling like a part of me was slowly dying, and my reactions to that caused a lot of problems on a lot of directions.
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