So I told her how I felt and then...*shrug*?

[NiGHtS21]

Hello LoveShack, you fine folks have helped me in my time of need when I was a broken mess, and now I come to you again for some advice

 

Long story short, and this was all over whatsapp may I add, I told a friend (whom I've been close friends with since last year and grew feelings for in that time) how I felt about her and it basically took her by surprise.

 

She asked how long I'd felt that way, I told her the more I talked to her the more I grew to like her, which she said she totally understood.

 

Then the conversation basically tapered off with her saying "Aww. it's good to get things off your chest, never know what can happen tomorrow!" and proceeded to talk about something else. This...threw me off, not a yes, not a no, not anything?

 

So it's safe to say I should take that as a No? She didn't discuss her feelings or anything at all...and I kind of just want to ask her about that but don't want to seem needy. There wasn't even any awkwardness. I feel a bit strange haha.

 

Thanks

[d0nnivain]

Ugh.

 

Yes, you should take that as a no.

 

Going forward, never blurt out especially out of the blue that you like somebody. It's awkward & weird. She did a good job steering it back to friends. Never bring this up again or be prepared to lose her as a friend too.

 

Second, remember that feelings need to be discussed live in person. Never via text or messenger.

[smackie9]

It's a definite no.

 

Tip: never express your "feelings" for someone you are not even in a romantic relationship with. You like someone, you ask them out on a date. That will tell them you are "interested" not obsessing over them.

 

If the girl isn't flirting, like i'm talkin heavy flirting, leaving heart emojis and crap after all this time talking to you...you are totally friend zoned.

[fred123]

It's a definite no.

 

Tip: never express your "feelings" for someone you are not even in a romantic relationship with. You like someone, you ask them out on a date. That will tell them you are "interested" not obsessing over them.

 

If the girl isn't flirting, like i'm talkin heavy flirting, leaving heart emojis and crap after all this time talking to you...you are totally friend zoned.

 

what you mean after all this time? how long?? also you say that a woman who likes you should leave heart emojis?

[Ieris]

"Aww. it's good to get things off your chest, never know what can happen tomorrow!"

 

I don't think it's a definite no or she wouldn't have said this, just see how she behaves in person. She may start teasing/flirting with you a bit or she may be distant just so you don't get the wrong idea. Don't jump to conclusions right now and see how it plays out

[NiGHtS21]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

So I guess I may as well throw context in there, although you both are probably on the money.

 

I always thought I was friend-zoned from the start, which I didn't care much about, until we started talking a lot more and I became attracted to her. I wasn't really sure of how to handle the situation and I was presented a good opening to tell her yesterday so I did. I'm not going to obsess over how to get out of the friendzone, or let these "feelings" linger in my head for ages. Asked a friend of mine what she thought I should do, and she just told me to go for it so I did. No regrets at least!

 

Ugh.

 

Yes, you should take that as a no.

 

Going forward, never blurt out especially out of the blue that you like somebody. It's awkward & weird. She did a good job steering it back to friends. Never bring this up again or be prepared to lose her as a friend too.

 

Second, remember that feelings need to be discussed live in person. Never via text or messenger.

 

I'd have loved to have told her in person but that wasn't gonna be possible in her current circumstance.

 

 

It's a definite no.

 

Tip: never express your "feelings" for someone you are not even in a romantic relationship with. You like someone, you ask them out on a date. That will tell them you are "interested" not obsessing over them.

 

If the girl isn't flirting, like i'm talkin heavy flirting, leaving heart emojis and crap after all this time talking to you...you are totally friend zoned.

 

I completely agree with the second line, but I think it's a bit silly to state "never express your feelings" for someone, not every single person is the same.

[NiGHtS21]

I don't think it's a definite no or she wouldn't have said this, just see how she behaves in person. She may start teasing/flirting with you a bit or she may be distant just so you don't get the wrong idea. Don't jump to conclusions right now and see how it plays out

 

 

Thanks

 

I'm not holding out hope, as you say it's best to play it by ear and see how she talks to me going forward. I know coming to an internet forum to ask for help without full context is confusing but I like the bluntness of the replies found here.

 

EDIT: Dammit double post, sorry.

[Bastile]

I completely agree with the second line, but I think it's a bit silly to state "never express your feelings" for someone, not every single person is the same.

 

I can't actually remember a single time when splurging my feels has been a good thing. Even with high-interest women, it's been a turn off.

 

This all comes from a fear of escalating. That's what got you frienzoned, and it's almost like clockwork that you then think the best thing is to "tell her how you feel". Classic friendzone stuff.

 

In future, make moves quicker. Care less about getting rejected.

 

Friendzone rejection is one of the worst, because it strips you of your sexuality. But you have also done this to yourself, by hiding your sexual intent.

[angel.eyes]

In future, make moves quicker. Care less about getting rejected.

 

Friendzone rejection is one of the worst, because it strips you of your sexuality. But you have also done this to yourself, by hiding your sexual intent.

 

I believe the OP grew to like her over time. It wasn't love at first sight six months ago. They started off as friends. His feelings developed over time as he got to know her.

 

I've been in her shoes before. You're caught completely off guard. Give her a few days to digest the info. Then take your cues from her. If she flirts with you, ask her on a date. If it's friends as usual, don't bring it up again unless she does.

 

It wasn't an enthusiastic yes, but a change of subject. That doesn't bode well for things turning romantic, but as she said, you never know what might happen tomorrow.

 

Why did you confess via messaging? Why couldn't you have had the conversation in person?

[basil67]

You couldn't tell her in person because of her 'current circumstance'. What would this current circumstance be?

[Bastile]

I believe the OP grew to like her over time. It wasn't love at first sight six months ago. They started off as friends. His feelings developed over time as he got to know her.

 

Generally not how us men work. We don't suddenly notice a girl is attractive after 6 months.

 

That is backed up by OP stating "I thought that I was friendzoned from the start".

 

Part of his problem is that he just can't be honest enough to state that he wants the damn girl. He wants to break his bed with her.

 

Can't even say it on an anonymous forum. And it's that lack of owning his sexuality that will have him see many more friendzonings to come.

 

Make a move in future. Don't put off rejection. Better to get your face slapped, or get ghosted on, or lose her "friendship", or whatever. At least she respects you as a man that way.

 

Know what my Polish ex called this friendzoned guy that we knew? "The little dog".

 

Women don't respect guys like that.

[NiGHtS21]

I believe the OP grew to like her over time. It wasn't love at first sight six months ago. They started off as friends. His feelings developed over time as he got to know her.

 

I've been in her shoes before. You're caught completely off guard. Give her a few days to digest the info. Then take your cues from her. If she flirts with you, ask her on a date. If it's friends as usual, don't bring it up again unless she does.

 

It wasn't an enthusiastic yes, but a change of subject. That doesn't bode well for things turning romantic, but as she said, you never know what might happen tomorrow.

 

Why did you confess via messaging? Why couldn't you have had the conversation in person?

 

 

That's pretty much it. I'll hold my hands up and say I honestly don't know given how our friendship grew.

 

You couldn't tell her in person because of her 'current circumstance'. What would this current circumstance be?

 

Two things:

1) She's dealing with some serious health issues this year (she's had problems all her life), which limits her freedom in a lot of ways at the moment. She mainly communicates with everyone via her phone. (I understand some of you might say I should have at least rang her, perfectly valid criticism.)

2) I'm only in town on weekends, monday to friday I work out of town and live elsewhere at the moment.

I know some might call me short sighted in that sense ("so even if she said yes how would you have gone on a date?!") but I can't stop myself feeling or thinking a certain way lol, it's partly why I thought so long about even telling her.

[NiGHtS21]

Generally not how us men work. We don't suddenly notice a girl is attractive after 6 months.

 

That is backed up by OP stating "I thought that I was friendzoned from the start".

 

Part of his problem is that he just can't be honest enough to state that he wants the damn girl. He wants to break his bed with her.

 

Can't even say it on an anonymous forum. And it's that lack of owning his sexuality that will have him see many more friendzonings to come.

 

Make a move in future. Don't put off rejection. Better to get your face slapped, or get ghosted on, or lose her "friendship", or whatever. At least she respects you as a man that way.

 

Know what my Polish ex called this friendzoned guy that we knew? "The little dog".

 

Women don't respect guys like that.

 

Well observed Of course I want her, and thought she was attractive in the physical sense from the very start.

 

But considering I was pretty messed up by a multi-year relationship that got broken off right before I met her, I sort of wanted to take the time to fix myself up, have some fun and not get into another relationship. Sounds fair no?

 

I never saw this woman as just another person I want to sleep with and she's not one for "just having some fun" in that sense, so it made no sense to mess her about, what she did find in me was a good friend to support her through her on going health problems. That's how we got close, so yeah, maybe I should have made a move...but I wasn't exactly relationship worthy at that point, neither was I thinking straight.

[smackie9]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

So I guess I may as well throw context in there, although you both are probably on the money.

 

I always thought I was friend-zoned from the start, which I didn't care much about, until we started talking a lot more and I became attracted to her. I wasn't really sure of how to handle the situation and I was presented a good opening to tell her yesterday so I did. I'm not going to obsess over how to get out of the friendzone, or let these "feelings" linger in my head for ages. Asked a friend of mine what she thought I should do, and she just told me to go for it so I did. No regrets at least!

 

 

 

I'd have loved to have told her in person but that wasn't gonna be possible in her current circumstance.

 

 

 

 

I completely agree with the second line, but I think it's a bit silly to state "never express your feelings" for someone, not every single person is the same.

out of the blue rarely works. I've had guy confess to me and it made me run the other way. I guess we like a guy to "lust" after us in the beginning, and save the sappy stuff for later. I dunno it's how our brains work. We see bold confident and lusty as masculine. As I sit here and think about it....yup that's what peaks the interest.

[smackie9]

Isn't expressing your interest is for the purpose of "dating" "going out with her" ??

 

If it's almost impossible, why bother? It will only get messed up/frustrating.

[angel.eyes]

That's pretty much it. I'll hold my hands up and say I honestly don't know given how our friendship grew.

You did nothing wrong. Starting to date someone you are friends with, months or even years into the friendship, happens pretty frequently.

 

Two things:

1) She's dealing with some serious health issues this year (she's had problems all her life), which limits her freedom in a lot of ways at the moment. She mainly communicates with everyone via her phone. (I understand some of you might say I should have at least rang her, perfectly valid criticism.)

2) I'm only in town on weekends, monday to friday I work out of town and live elsewhere at the moment.

I know some might call me short sighted in that sense ("so even if she said yes how would you have gone on a date?!") but I can't stop myself feeling or thinking a certain way lol, it's partly why I thought so long about even telling her.

Thanks for the additional context. It's possible she's overwhelmed in the moment by her health issues and that's why she changed the topic. You don't say what these are. Are they life-threatening? They're obviously fairly serious if she can only rarely see anyone and mostly communicates remotely. Under those circumstances, dating isn't going to be top of mind for her. So her response is even more ambiguous than I initially thought.

 

Just continue being her friend and keep up the same level of communication...unless you have the impression that she's not as responsive or as open to communicating with you.

 

Is there any opportunity to visit her? When?

[NiGHtS21]

Isn't expressing your interest is for the purpose of "dating" "going out with her" ??

 

If it's almost impossible, why bother? It will only get messed up/frustrating.

 

I can't really argue with this logic to be honest.

 

Also some of your are making it out as if I poured my heart out, I'm a cheesy romantic but not an idiot. I pretty much just told her "well to be honest, i'm into you", after she was telling me the sorts of things she finds cute in a guy

Edited July 4, 2017 by NiGHtS21

[Midnight.Amber]

I believe the OP grew to like her over time. It wasn't love at first sight six months ago. They started off as friends. His feelings developed over time as he got to know her.

 

I've been in her shoes before. You're caught completely off guard. Give her a few days to digest the info. Then take your cues from her. If she flirts with you, ask her on a date. If it's friends as usual, don't bring it up again unless she does.

 

It wasn't an enthusiastic yes, but a change of subject. That doesn't bode well for things turning romantic

 

I've been in her shoes before too. No amount of digesting the info changed anything. If it did for you angel.eyes, I can appreciate that too, every woman is different.

 

Frankly speaking though, OP you have already set the tone, for many months, and I think it will be very difficult to transition this friendship to something sexual, emotionally/mentally exciting and romantic.

 

Speaking personally, and for many women I know, we like to have our emotions stirred a bit. It's all about our emotions. For me anyway, and most women I know.

 

For this to happen, a man needs to be bold, confident, edgy, a bit cocky, almost fearless in his approach and interaction.

 

Stir us up, trust me it will inspire sexual thoughts and feelings, even if we don't admit at first. Which is what you want.

 

Not in an obnoxious way, just bold and confident.

 

When men behave "tentatively" and cautiously with me, either when expressing his feelings or just how he interacts with me, it's not that I don't like them or respect them, but it won't inspire any romantic and sexual feelings in me, which is what differentiates a friendship from a romantic sexual relationship.

 

Instead it will leaving me feeling sort of meh.

 

So I think it's up to you to change this dynamic. Next time you see her, step out of your comfort zone a bit. Be bold, confident, let her know of your sexual interest, again not obnoxiously.

 

How about just kissing her? I recall one time being friends with a guy and one night we were out and he just planted the best kiss on me, like wow.

 

I fell for him immediately! And we dated for a few years!

 

Yes you may get rejected. But if so, then at least you know, and can decide if you are okay with just a friendship or if you need more from this girl, say goodbye.

 

Good luck!

Edited July 4, 2017 by Midnight.Amber

[NiGHtS21]

You did nothing wrong. Starting to date someone you are friends with, months or even years into the friendship, happens pretty frequently.

 

 

Thanks for the additional context. It's possible she's overwhelmed in the moment by her health issues and that's why she changed the topic. You don't say what these are. Are they life-threatening? They're obviously fairly serious if she can only rarely see anyone and mostly communicates remotely. Under those circumstances, dating isn't going to be top of mind for her. So her response is even more ambiguous than I initially thought.

 

Just continue being her friend and keep up the same level of communication...unless you have the impression that she's not as responsive or as open to communicating with you.

 

Is there any opportunity to visit her? When?

 

They aren't life threatening, but they're life-changing, so it's a tough time for her. I also think dating isn't going to be her priority, she's never dated, or had a boyfriend, or had sex. Almost a year ago she told me that she was being hit on by some guy, but she's happy being single. Maybe she'll have to meet someone she really feels like she can't be without, and perhaps I'm just not that person. That's life!

 

And yes of course, I'm still human so will be there for her if she needs that sort of support There may be an opportunity in the next month, will be good to spend some actual face to face time with her and actually see how she's doing...

 

I've been in her shoes before too. No amount of digesting the info changed anything. If it did for you angel.eyes, I can appreciate that too, every woman is different.

 

Frankly speaking though, OP you have already set the tone, for many months, and I think it will be very difficult to transition this friendship to something sexual, emotionally/mentally exciting and romantic.

 

Speaking personally, and for many women I know, we like to have our emotions stirred a bit.

 

For this to happen, a man needs to be bold, confident, edgy, a bit cocky, almost fearless in his approach and interaction.

 

Stir us up, trust me it will inspire sexual thoughts and feelings, even if we don't admit it first. Which is what you want.

 

Not in an obnoxious way, just bold and confident.

 

When men behave "tentatively" and cautiously with me, it's not that I don't like them or didn't respect them, but it won't inspire any romantic and sexual feelings in me which is what differentiates a friendship from a romantic sexual relationship.

 

So I think it's up to you to change this dynamic. Next time you see her, step out of your comfort zone a bit. Be bold, confident, let her know of your sexual interest, again not obnoxiously.

 

How about just kissing her? I recall one time being friends with a guy and one night we were out and he just planted the best kiss on me, like wow.

 

I fell for him immediately! And we dated for a few years!

 

Yes you may get rejected. But if so, then at least you know, and can decide if you are okay with just a friendship or if you need more from this girl, say goodbye.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you for this response It will be near impossible for me to change the impression she has of me now as you say, this can be something I passively work on over time.

[Bastile]

Well observed Of course I want her, and thought she was attractive in the physical sense from the very start.

 

But considering I was pretty messed up by a multi-year relationship that got broken off right before I met her, I sort of wanted to take the time to fix myself up, have some fun and not get into another relationship. Sounds fair no?

 

I never saw this woman as just another person I want to sleep with and she's not one for "just having some fun" in that sense, so it made no sense to mess her about, what she did find in me was a good friend to support her through her on going health problems. That's how we got close, so yeah, maybe I should have made a move...but I wasn't exactly relationship worthy at that point, neither was I thinking straight.

 

I hear you. Sometimes circumstances just aren't right, and a friendzoning happens. Though it still doesn't really change anything.

 

This isn't a romantic relationship. And I'm not sure you realize how many rejections it can take to get a good one... spending a year just being rejected once is complete lunacy. And continuing this farce in order to try and change her mind is equally so.

 

All of that value that you are giving her should be better spent on someone that actually reciprocates. Don't spend another year on her.

 

I brought up the subject of respect. Women can't love someone properly that they don't respect. You accepting being her faux boyfriend, whilst she makes up her mind about your value will have her lose respect for you.

 

Self-esteem and pride are important for a man to have. Move on from this one. Don't hang around trying to convince her of your worth - or at least lower your investment in a very big way.

 

No more playing around in the friendzone. All the best.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Bastile

[Midnight.Amber]

Another idea OP, whether with this girl or the next, would be to stop talking about friendshippy type things. Change the tone.

 

For example, sit across from her at a bar for example, listen to the music, have your drinks, and just look at her. Say nothing, verbally.

 

Just let her feel your vibe/energy, that you want her, sexually.

 

It may throw her off a bit, which is what you want.

 

But she'll be thinking about it.

 

Let the tension build. Tension is good.

 

Let her do the talking. You can respond but be cool, again just let her feel your vibe/energy.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Midnight.Amber

[angel.eyes]

They aren't life threatening, but they're life-changing, so it's a tough time for her. I also think dating isn't going to be her priority, she's never dated, or had a boyfriend, or had sex. Almost a year ago she told me that she was being hit on by some guy, but she's happy being single. Maybe she'll have to meet someone she really feels like she can't be without, and perhaps I'm just not that person. That's life!

I go back to her response--you never know about tomorrow. Right now she's dealing with life-changing issues. Be there for her, then revisit what you said once the crisis has passed.

 

Don't be defeatist just yet. Pro tip: banter is a great way to change the dynamic of your interactions.

 

And yes of course, I'm still human so will be there for her if she needs that sort of support There may be an opportunity in the next month, will be good to spend some actual face to face time with her and actually see how she's doing...

You would be stunned at how many "friends" drop off the face of the earth when they don't get what they asked for. They really never had an interest in the person and were being completely disingenuous in their "niceness" and "friendship."

 

They fact that you stick around and remain friends will set you apart as genuine.

 

Keep in mind that since she's fairly inexperienced and has never had a boyfriend, you aren't going to get a ton of cues or encouragement as you progress things.

 

I'm rooting for this to work!

[Midnight.Amber]

@angel.eyes, it may set him apart as being genuine, but where does that get him?

 

Still in the friendzone.

 

Flip the script. What if you were really into a guy, you wanted to date him, you had romantic feelings for him. But he didn't feel the same, he only saw you as a friend.

 

Would YOU stick around, supporting him (as a friend), listening to him, his problems, being *there* for him?

 

I doubt it, I sure wouldn't.

 

Being genuine is great, but when someone wants something (a romantic sexual relationship) and the other wants something else (a friendship), being genuine doesn't mean a hill of beans.

 

That said, I agree that bantering is good and fun, but in his case he needs something major to change this dynamic.

 

Frankly after all this time, not sure it's even possible.

 

But I am rooting for him too, OP let us know!

Edited July 4, 2017 by Midnight.Amber

[angel.eyes]

If the friendship were genuine, yes. Of course I stick around!

 

I have no respect for guys who were only pretending to be my friends, had ulterior motives in pretending friendship, and drop off the face of the earth as soon as it's clear I'm not interested in dating them. That's dishonest. I have absolutely zero respect for someone who lacks integrity.

 

From what the OP shares, this is a genuine friendship that has grown into something more for him. Her response leaves the door open. She didn't discourage him or say no.

 

Most of my friends who are married to guys they met in real life? Their relationships started this way.

[Midnight.Amber]

If the friendship were genuine, yes. Of course I stick around!

 

I have no respect for guys who were only pretending to be my friends, had ulterior motives in pretending friendship, and drop off the face of the earth as soon as it's clear I'm not interested in dating them. That's dishonest. I have absolutely zero respect for someone who lacks integrity.

 

From what the OP shares, this is a genuine friendship that has grown into something more for him. Her response leaves the door open. She didn't discourage him or say no.

 

Most of my friends who are married to guys they met in real life? Their relationships started this way.

 

Fair enough, as I said one of my relationships started this way too, then he kissed me one night, and it all changed.

 

He admitted he had been thinking about it, me, for a long time and if I had rejected his kiss, only wanting to remain friends, although the friendship was genuine, he would not have wanted to continue..

 

Why? Not because he was only "pretending" to be my friend, but because remaining in this friendship would be hurtful to him.

 

And because he had/has a high regard for himself and had no interest in remaining in a situation that was hurtful to him, not to mention preventing him from meeting and developing a relationship with a woman who reciprocated his feelings, he would have chosen to walk away.

 

Which I would have respected.

 

Had he chosen to remain and be my friend, knowing that he was compromising himself and what HE wanted, I would have lost respect for him.

 

Relationships starting as friendships can work, but only when they are both on the same page, their feelings for each other increasing simultaneously.

 

Not when one has fallen in love and the other only wants to be friends.

 

I've never heard of that tbh.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Midnight.Amber