Author ZA Dater Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 Try not to sweat it... Because it was never really meant to be. There will be someone else... As are all things when me and dates happen! The feeling of irritation is starting to pass but the 'what now, I was looking forward to that date, I might actually get somewhere" has kicked in. The problem I have is when this happens and it ALWAYS happens I start to re evaluate my self worth which is never a good thing because I am my own harshest critic. It would be one thing if I had many other "someone else" options but I don't, its really, really hard to find people I like, near impossible to find anyone I like who will go out with me. The two options I usually face 1: Immerse myself into something else to try and make me forget, inevitably this is work or some writing project or buying things I don't really have any particular use for. 2: Go out and look and realise I am completely incapable of fitting in enough to be a viable option, not to mention I have no idea how to 'cold chat up someone", just don't have the charm to be able to do that, unless I become familiar with the person, i.e. see them a few times. This option usually makes me feel worse. In the grand scheme of things there are far greater issues than mine but it would be nice just for once, even for an hour to get some idea as to how nice a nice date could be. Just once would be enough to restore some sort of faith and remove some cynicism.
angel.eyes Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 For me what makes this disappointing is personality wise this person was someone I did like, she would fit in well with what I do and the hobbies I have in that she is well spoken and intelligent. I don't find these people very often, at least never on OLD type platforms. You just love to self-sabotage! During the date and post-date you were busy judging her for having a few cocktails and haughtily opining how you aren't a match because her being tipsy was such a huge turnoff. Now that she's given the date some thought and realized it's not going to work, she's suddenly the next best thing to sliced bread??? You remind me of this guy in his mid-70's that I know. Never had a relationship. Rarely dates, but has a critique a mile long whenever a woman actually goes on a date with him. Most of them are great options for him, but he's too busy nitpicking about the irrelevant, so he never makes it to a second date. I think you like the idea of a relationship. You probably feel some social pressure to be in a relationship. But the reality of actually being in one likely terrifies you. So self-sabotage all the way! 1
Author ZA Dater Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 I lol when you said you don't know what fun is. But yea it's like that. Just making each other laugh, but also being a little laid back/easy going. You do come off pretty solemn from your posts. But if that is your personality, then I think you can find some who enjoys someone more serious, with dry wit. I totally agree what she did was immature. I don't think you seemed to like her as much as you feel you did now that she did that. Your OP you paint her out to be a tarty drunk with a grating voice. It just didnt seem like the beginning of a beautiful romance 1: I can do that but am never sure if its enough or what people want. 2: Sure, I wasn't exactly bowled over but the fundamentals were good and she did bring me out of my shell a bit, I was looking at the second date to really decide because when the list of pros and cons is done she had more pros than the rather significant cons. In other words I had a base. People are going to crucify me here for what I am going to say next but there was a great base, I could have taken her to dinners, events, she is used to that same sort of circle, she is driven when it comes to career, actually has good general knowledge and can talk. All those traits are really hard for ME to find. Inevitably I end up sitting in front of someone who knows little about the world around them, is incapable of talking about anything substantial and cannot offer much intellectual stimulation at all. If I had to categorise my failed dates, almost 9/10 were people like that, people who cannot relate to things, have no interest in the world around the, have poor manners, poor vocabulary. Are my standards high, yes they are but they are moulded by my own experiences, my own values and the world I work in. I suppose someone will simply tell me I expect too much.
Miss Spider Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I completely feel you about the "it's near impossible to find anyone I like" It's a very disappointing feeling, one many of us know to well. So in the rare instance we find one who is also somewhat interested in us , we tend to invest a lot more than someone who isn't as picky would. They have more options. It's difficult when people say move on. It's not as though we all have our-types waiting in the wings. If that were the case we would have been gone yesterday. We hang on because we are afraid we won't find that connection again. Maybe continue the online dates. It seems to have brought you some reasonable success with matches and dates. You have been on many dates. 9/10 is painful but at least you know you can land dates with what you're looking for. Just because they haven't led anywhere yet who is to say one won't? Continue tweaking your self /strategy and hope you find one that clicks
Author ZA Dater Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 You just love to self-sabotage! During the date and post-date you were busy judging her for having a few cocktails and haughtily opining how you aren't a match because her being tipsy was such a huge turnoff. Now that she's given the date some thought and realized it's not going to work, she's suddenly the next best thing to sliced bread??? You remind me of this guy in his mid-70's that I know. Never had a relationship. Rarely dates, but has a critique a mile long whenever a woman actually goes on a date with him. Most of them are great options for him, but he's too busy nitpicking about the irrelevant, so he never makes it to a second date. I think you like the idea of a relationship. You probably feel some social pressure to be in a relationship. But the reality of actually being in one likely terrifies you. So self-sabotage all the way! Ok, so tell me what should I have done differently here? So I am not allowed to critique but whoever sits in front me is can and then summarily block? I never make it to a second date because this always happens when I do actually very rarely like the person.
Miss Spider Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 *Too and yea maybe you need to find out what's going on if women interested in going on a first date but not a second is a pattern
Author ZA Dater Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 I completely feel you about the "it's near impossible to find anyone I like" It's a very disappointing feeling, one many of us know to well. So in the rare instance we find one who is also somewhat interested in us , we tend to invest a lot more than someone who isn't as picky would. They have more options. It's difficult when people say move on. It's not as though we all have our-types waiting in the wings. If that were the case we would have been gone yesterday. We hang on because we are afraid we won't find that connection again. Maybe continue the online dates. It seems to have brought you some reasonable success with matches and dates. You have been on many dates. 9/10 is painful but at least you know you can land dates with what you're looking for. Just because they haven't led anywhere yet who is to say one won't? Continue tweaking your self /strategy and hope you find one that clicks Thank you for the encouragement! The odds aren't really in my favour to be honest, I have played around with so many different profiles and pictures across so many platforms and its telling there are still people on the sites that were there 5 years ago. Tinder is about the only one where fresh people can be found but I kind of get it, ladies are equally jaded with countless guys looking for one night stands so it doesn't help the cause of those few of us who are looking for something a bit more substantial because the guard is well up and few guys actually get a chance because of it. I considered just looking for fun too but it makes no sense looking for something you haven't done before and by nature I am not fake enough to pretend I am anything but what I am. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 *Too and yea maybe you need to find out what's going on if women interested in going on a first date but not a second is a pattern I don't get second dates, pretty much ever, having said that 90% of the dates I have been on I was thankful not to get a second date! 1
angel.eyes Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Ok, so tell me what should I have done differently here? So I am not allowed to critique but whoever sits in front me is can and then summarily block? I never make it to a second date because this always happens when I do actually very rarely like the person. For starters, enjoy the date. Enjoy chatting with the person. Stay in the moment. Focus on connecting with the other person and having a good time. Here, you were busy creating long lists of pros and cons in your head, and judging her ad nauseum for having a cocktail in hand. Take a mental Inventory after the date is over.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 (edited) For starters, enjoy the date. Enjoy chatting with the person. Stay in the moment. Focus on connecting with the other person and having a good time. Here, you were busy creating long lists of pros and cons in your head, and judging her ad nauseum for having a cocktail in hand. Take a mental Inventory after the date is over. Which is exactly what I did... Based on the kiss I got I thought we connected quite well! However, it is what it is, chalk this up to another miss. As much as things change they still fundamentally remain the same. Edited July 19, 2017 by ZA Dater
Gaeta Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Based on the kiss I got I thought we connected quite well! Again, I am sorry, it is not her that you met. You met an inebriated woman. It has nothing to do with her sober self. You thought you connected: it was alcohol You thought other than the alcohol it was great: it was all alcohol. How can you think it was great without the alcohol, you never met her sober. Drunk women will do things they would never dream of doing while sober like kiss men and even have sex with them. None of it was real.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 Again, I am sorry, it is not her that you met. You met an inebriated woman. It has nothing to do with her sober self. You thought you connected: it was alcohol You thought other than the alcohol it was great: it was all alcohol. How can you think it was great without the alcohol, you never met her sober. Drunk women will do things they would never dream of doing while sober like kiss men and even have sex with them. None of it was real. The above post is all true and when people ask me why I don't drink and why I tend to avoid people who find the need to drink tell they get drunk, the post above articulates why better than I can. Its also why I wanted date 2, to see how much of date one was false or not. Its also why I don't do clubs unless I REALLY have nothing better to do.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 Again, I am sorry, it is not her that you met. You met an inebriated woman. It has nothing to do with her sober self. You thought you connected: it was alcohol You thought other than the alcohol it was great: it was all alcohol. How can you think it was great without the alcohol, you never met her sober. Drunk women will do things they would never dream of doing while sober like kiss men and even have sex with them. None of it was real. The part I left out was she was all over me and I got the impression she would have "come back to my place" but I just morally couldn't, one of the toughest choices I have had to make in a while. Especially considering how few opportunities I get.
guest569 Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 What?? Did you ask her on a second date? Were you interested in pursuing her?? I am confused because you rejected her and now you're upset because she blocked you.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 20, 2017 Author Posted July 20, 2017 What?? Did you ask her on a second date? Were you interested in pursuing her?? I am confused because you rejected her and now you're upset because she blocked you. At the end of the first date we agreed on a second before she went overseas for ten days. Basically I got stood up and blocked with no explanation at all. Then again I suppose a chorus will sing "she doesn't need to give an explanation"
guest569 Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 At the end of the first date we agreed on a second before she went overseas for ten days. Basically I got stood up and blocked with no explanation at all. Then again I suppose a chorus will sing "she doesn't need to give an explanation" Oh, right. Sorry in that case she def should have told you. Some might say she doesn't "owe" you anything but it was rude for sure. Still though, sounds like you got enough of an idea of what she is about and it didn't sound like you were that impressed.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 20, 2017 Author Posted July 20, 2017 Oh, right. Sorry in that case she def should have told you. Some might say she doesn't "owe" you anything but it was rude for sure. Still though, sounds like you got enough of an idea of what she is about and it didn't sound like you were that impressed. In this case while I wasn't super impressed I was more impressed than I usually am, suffice to say I am usually severely underwhelmed. Its very difficult to draw any conclusion when someone is so tipsy hence I wanted the second date. Perhaps my whole approach is wrong. Perhaps my general understanding of what people actually want is completely wrong. Few months ago I tried to charm someone, not off a dating site but it just never worked, I see who she is dating now and I makes perfect sense why I never got any interest. What really happened here is I thought "ok I actually do find this one fairly attractive and she seems to like me" its a nice feeling and a very rare one for me and it picks me up quite a lot. Ultimately if I had taken my blinkers off, discounted her severely provocative behaviour I would have seen a drinker like that wouldn't gel with me but the problem is nobody seems to gel with me so I looked past it. Anyway she is gone, there isn't anyone else on the horizon and its becoming harder and harder to find people. I'll just carry on with whatever life throws at me but suspect my appetite for dating is waning severely.
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