ZA Dater Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 The lady who stood me up (he phone was apparently stole) and I met up last night for the infamous dinner. I'll save the long many words post 1: She had a glass of wine out when I arrived (I wasn't late) 2: She confided in me she left her purse at work 3: She is quite pretty 4: Her voice is slightly irritating 5: She had been for a "drink with a co worker before, I say drink because I suspect it might have been more than one. 6: She and I have a few things in common 7: She is very loud, which got a bit embarrassing at time, whether this had anything to do with 5 I don't know 8: She is very suggestive, extremely so and three more glasses of wine probably contributed to this. 9: She seems to have a good job, comes from a well to do family 10: She appears intelligent around many topics of conversation. 11: Wants to see me again. 12: Tried to convince me to drink wine, this didn't sit so well with me, not drinking is a choice I make. Not really too sure what to make of her because of 5 and 8. When we left I would say she was at the point of tipsy. Seeing her again in a few weeks, she is off to some exotic destination to lie on the beach. Prepared to run with this one and see but not convinced its a very good match up and my own inherent desperation isn't blinding me so any opinions welcome.
elaine567 Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 (edited) Some people need a bit of Dutch courage to go on dates, so she is not necessarily an alcoholic. Sounds like you got yourself a second date though. Edited July 4, 2017 by elaine567 Removed quote 1
smackie9 Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 First impressions count...it's one thing to have one drinky-pooh before hand but getting pretty tight and wanting you to join her so you both have a good buzz going is something to be alarmed about. If she is a drinker and you are not, then you have a dealbreaker there.....I'm a drinker and would never be able to date someone who doesn't....I love beer way too much lol. If you are tolerant, then best of luck on the second date...if it happens. 4
coolheadal Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 The lady who stood me up (he phone was apparently stole) and I met up last night for the infamous dinner. I'll save the long many words post 1: She had a glass of wine out when I arrived (I wasn't late) 2: She confided in me she left her purse at work 3: She is quite pretty 4: Her voice is slightly irritating 5: She had been for a "drink with a co worker before, I say drink because I suspect it might have been more than one. 6: She and I have a few things in common 7: She is very loud, which got a bit embarrassing at time, whether this had anything to do with 5 I don't know 8: She is very suggestive, extremely so and three more glasses of wine probably contributed to this. 9: She seems to have a good job, comes from a well to do family 10: She appears intelligent around many topics of conversation. 11: Wants to see me again. 12: Tried to convince me to drink wine, this didn't sit so well with me, not drinking is a choice I make. Not really too sure what to make of her because of 5 and 8. When we left I would say she was at the point of tipsy. Seeing her again in a few weeks, she is off to some exotic destination to lie on the beach. Prepared to run with this one and see but not convinced its a very good match up and my own inherent desperation isn't blinding me so any opinions welcome. The problem with you mate you settle for anything like this woman. You don't drink so why do you allow her to force you too. She's not for you and you know it and yet you can't convince yourself she isn't. We men settle for less and end up in stress! 4
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 And you wasted your hard-earned money on this. How could she have been out for a drink with a friend before meeting you if she left her purse at her work? She sounds like an alcoholic to me. 1
angel.eyes Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 Oh, I love the cynicism that is LS! You definitely should go on a second date. Sounds like a fun first date. A few things to keep an eye on as you get to know her, but that's true of any first date. Go on another date, especially since she has most of the things on your checklist (intelligent, good job, etc.), you had a reasonably enjoyable time with her...and she wants a second date with you! Teetotalers do successfully date those who drink. If you continue though, you'll have to rein in the judgmental tone that's coming across here. Here is an article with some useful suggestions on how teetoraler students handled being in an environment where drinking was the norm. Being a non-drinking student: An interpretative phenomenological analysis 2
angel.eyes Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 How could she have been out for a drink with a friend before meeting you if she left her purse at her work? I have never paid for a drink in a social setting, including restaurant bars, in my life...even when I'm out with coworkers or friends. Some random guy always picks up my tab. It's when I start to reach for my pocketbook or ask why my drinks aren't showing up on the restaurant receipt that my waiter or the bartender informs me that my tab was already covered, usually by one of the random people/guys I briefly chatted with while waiting for my friends to show up. I'm guessing she and her coworkers enjoyed happy hour at the end of their workday before she headed off slightly inebriated to her date.
smackie9 Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 I can imagine what she's going to be doing on her topical vay cay. 1
angel.eyes Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 Keep those tiny umbrellas coming. We wouldn't want those drinks getting sunburned before she has a chance to drink them. In her defense, she seems to enjoy life and not take herself too seriously. And she has much of what the OP claims he wants in a date. He's not going to get absolutely everything on his list in one package.
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 * She had been drinking before their date * She could not even wait for OP to arrive and ordered herself a drink. That's rude and shows she can't wait for alcohol * OP does not drink alcohol, she knows it, yet insisted on him drinking. That's disrespect toward someone who made the choice of not drinking. OP, you have nothing in common with this woman. She gives alcohol way too much importance. It's a no-match. 4
angel.eyes Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 Oh, Gaeta. Don't be so upright about her first date. I think you need a drink. It's a second date, not a marriage proposal! Maybe she needs a little liquid courage on first dates. Her enjoyment of a nice glass (okay glasses) of wine was the only real flaw that nit picking, finicky ZA could find. Other than that she ticked all the boxes he claims he needs in a date...plus he enjoyed the date...and she enjoyed the date...and wants to see him again! 3
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 Oh, Gaeta. Don't be so upright about her first date. I think you need a drink. It's a second date, not a marriage proposal! Maybe she needs a little liquid courage on first dates. Her enjoyment of a nice glass (okay glasses) of wine was the only real flaw that nit picking, finicky ZA could find. Other than that she ticked all the boxes he claims he needs in a date...plus he enjoyed the date...and she enjoyed the date...and wants to see him again! We have not been reading the same thread it seems: 1: She had a glass of wine out when I arrived (I wasn't late) - Flag 2: She confided in me she left her purse at work - Flag 4: Her voice is slightly irritating - already annoyed at her voice 5: She had been for a "drink with a co worker before, I say drink because I suspect it might have been more than one. - Was not sober at their first date FLAG 7: She is very loud, which got a bit embarrassing at time, whether this had anything to do with 5 I don't know - She was intoxicated that's why she was loud. FLAG 8: She is very suggestive, extremely so and three more glasses of wine probably contributed to this. - 3 more glasses and she was already intoxicated when he arrived. FLAG 12: Tried to convince me to drink wine, this didn't sit so well with me, not drinking is a choice I make - She did not respect his boundaries, she should know better than to pressure a non-drinker to drink - she probably did that because she was intoxicated. FLAG 4
angel.eyes Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 (edited) The loudness and suggestiveness no doubt stemmed from the alcohol. ZA gives a long laundry list of positives about her--pretty, intelligent, good job, good SE level, common interests, social, enjoyed his company, etc. Most importantly, she has none of his stated deal breakers, he enjoyed his date, and she wants another date. ZA Dater, enjoy your second date. I'm sure she would love a drive up to the wine country for a nice lunch. That's been one of your date ideas in the past. She strikes me as someone who would be a great conversationalist on a scenic drive. Enjoy! Edited July 4, 2017 by angel.eyes 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 The loudness and suggestiveness no doubt stemmed from the alcohol. So they did but since she'll probably be drinking alcohol on dates in the future it seems ZA will need to get used to putting up with loud, suggestive and pushy (tried to get him to drink) if he continues to date her. Oh, and forgetting her purse. Happens to the best but along with the other things something to watch for. When I forget my keys or purse, I go back to get them. Is part of being responsible. Could be a one off but could be a little red flag, too. 2
clia Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 Different strokes, I guess, but I don't see any of the below as glaring red flags, so I don't see any harm in going on a second date to see what happens. * She had been drinking before their date She had a drink with a coworker before the date. Big deal. I know a lot of people who hit happy hour after work and then head off for their evening plans. And maybe she was nervous before the date. * She could not even wait for OP to arrive and ordered herself a drink. That's rude and shows she can't wait for alcohol IMO, it's quite normal to go ahead and order a drink while you are waiting for the other person to arrive, and in no way indicates to me that she can't wait for alcohol. It's just a normal thing to do when the waitress/bartender is coming around. * OP does not drink alcohol, she knows it, yet insisted on him drinking. That's disrespect toward someone who made the choice of not drinking. I don't see where she insisted on him drinking. He said she tried to convince him, which could simply mean that she said "Why don't you have a glass of wine?" If she's not used to being around people who don't drink at all, this could've been an innocent suggestion. Maybe she got more aggressive with it, but OP didn't really explain. That said, the alcohol could be a major point of incompatibility. I personally wouldn't seriously date a guy who would never have a drink. I will say -- to me, not bringing her purse is the red flag. How did it go when it was time to pay the bill? What did she say? 2
smackie9 Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 And you buy the part where she stood him up because her phone was stolen? Now that there is more info I bet money on it she lost her phone in drunken stupor. I work with someone who is just like this. She is always forgetting, misplacing, or losing her phone and stuff. She pounds hard. 3
CptInsano Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 And you buy the part where she stood him up because her phone was stolen? Now that there is more info I bet money on it she lost her phone in drunken stupor. I work with someone who is just like this. She is always forgetting, misplacing, or losing her phone and stuff. She pounds hard. If I were a betting man I'd put money on it. Normally, alcohol wouldn't be an issue on a first date.
joseb Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 Lots of dodgy behaviour. Phone stolen? Possible. But unlikely. Forgot her purse? Very unlikely. Especially if she was drinking earlier. Watch out, she may be doing this as a habit and expecting someone else to pick up the tab, as someone suggested. Id avoid people like that like the plague. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 She appears intelligent -- Book smarts and social intelligence are two different things. And, a really intelligent, mature woman would be using insight and forethought to the fact that a woman allowing herself to become intoxicated on a first date, especially, doesn't really make a good first impression and she's possibly setting herself up for either an ONS or rape, etc. phone stolen She confided in me she left her purse at work - Meaning that she lied about having her phone stolen and that the truth is she left her purse at work? Or, her phone was stolen and she left her purse at work the day you met. Sounds to me like she didn't feel like talking to you for whatever reason and said her phone was stolen and the purse thing sounds like she doesn't like even splitting a bill. Tried to convince me to drink wine -- Epic fail in my mind. Forget this one . . . 2
Gaeta Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 She had a drink with a coworker before the date. Big deal. I know a lot of people who hit happy hour after work and then head off for their evening plans. And maybe she was nervous before the date. IMO, it's quite normal to go ahead and order a drink while you are waiting for the other person to arrive, and in no way indicates to me that she can't wait for alcohol. It's just a normal thing to do when the waitress/bartender is coming around. I don't see where she insisted on him drinking. He said she tried to convince him, which could simply mean that she said "Why don't you have a glass of wine?" If she's not used to being around people who don't drink at all, this could've been an innocent suggestion. Maybe she got more aggressive with it, but OP didn't really explain. That said, the alcohol could be a major point of incompatibility. I personally wouldn't seriously date a guy who would never have a drink. I will say -- to me, not bringing her purse is the red flag. How did it go when it was time to pay the bill? What did she say? A lot of people grab a drink at happy hour but don't necessarily get to their date drunk, which she was. OP mentioned more than once that her attitude indicated she was already intoxicated. I once turned around on a date because the man had ordered himself a meal without waiting for me. It's poor etiquette, poor judgement, and lack of courtesy. Sorry * tried to convince him * has nothing to do with offering him to drink or suggesting him to drink,his words were tried to convince him and when you try to convince someone you are not accepting their *no* for an answer and you are bugging them to get a yes. I don't drink because I never liked alcohol, I would not mind dating a man that likes a beer or a drink once in a while, but I would be totally turned off by a man that gets to our first date tipsy or beyond tipsy. She was beyond tipsy, she was loud and overly suggestive by alcohol. OP is not 20 anymore to find this behavior funny.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 5, 2017 Author Posted July 5, 2017 Lots of good opinions here, thank you all. She also isn't especially chatty on whatsapp either, which I understand because some people aren't. I'll add this, as we left she turned and gave me a full on kiss, which I admit was fairly nice but also uncomfortable because how tipsy she was. The problem for me is I never get any interest I genuinely want so this is quite new, but how genuine the interest is I don't know and that's the part that bothers me. Anyway the next date is on 21 July so I have plenty time to simply get on with life and if it happens great, if not I wont be crying a metaphorical river but I might feel sad. In some ways though someone like this might be good for me to bring me out of my shell a bit so if she wants to see me, I'll run with it for a while and see, though I do suspect we are totally mismatched. I cant really decide what I think of her, she has much of what I like but the pressure to drink does put me off quite a lot. Very undecided about this one.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 5, 2017 Author Posted July 5, 2017 To be fair when the bill came, I settled it but she insisted on paying for the next date.
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 To be fair when the bill came, I settled it but she insisted on paying for the next date. She insists on paying for the July 21 date? Hope she remembers to bring her purse... You wrote she gave you a full-on kiss but she was tipsy which took the spark out of it for you. Was this on the first or second date? I've lost track as to how many dates you've had with her at this point but am thinking it's two. Seems to me you're being pulled in by a woman whose behavior troubles you by the fact that she's intelligent and good looking. If so, this could be disastrous for you in the long haul.
SevenCity Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 To be fair when the bill came, I settled it but she insisted on paying for the next date. I find it rude and crass that someone would order anything, with no intention to pay, and not at least do it in front of the other person so they are aware of the cost. What if you didn't show? Who's paying the bill? Take her up on her offer to pay for the next one. Let's see if she can put her money where her mouth is. It speaks volumes when a woman actually contributes. I've found they are a lot less selfish and make better partners over women who expect you to always pick up the tab. As far as the drinking I don't drink either and have had many women get upset or try to get me to drink. It's really stupid when you think about it. Perhaps it's because I'm not a drinker, but I don't understand why having the person next to you consuming a liquid (said, water, etc) without alcohol is any different than if it contains alcohol. 2
angel.eyes Posted July 5, 2017 Posted July 5, 2017 Why is the next date three weeks off??? Look, if you listen to the nay sayers, you'll be single for life. I can only imagine what LS would say about some of my excuses. The advice would have been to dump me yesterday when I didn't return my now BF's calls or texts for a couple of days. (I accidentally forgot my phone in another city while travelling and needed to have it express shipped back to me when we first started dating.) Ditto for me. For example, I don't eat meat. On one of our early dates, my BF kept trying to feed me his lamb chop. I could have gotten my panties in a bunch, and gotten all offended. LS would no doubt have been up in arms about how disrespectful he must be based on that single incident. Instead, i turned it into a joke. It's a fun game we play all the time--now it's full of inside jokes and innuendo. Life is way too short not to enjoy it. As for your date's wallet? Who hasn't forgotten their wallet at some point? I've been in the grocery store about to purchase something and realized I forgot my wallet in the car. Or I changed my mind at the last minute in the morning about which pocketbook best matches my outfit, and forgot my office ID, wallet, or some other important item, in a different pocketbook. You have to give people the benefit of the doubt when it's warranted. The only potential red flag in my mind is the fact that she was a little tipsy on your date. Time will tell whether that's an issue. She checks off everything else on your list, so just keep an eye on it as you get to know her better. It's nice to see you actively dating! I'm happy for you. Have fun! 2
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