we broke up because he feels numb

[fatimak]

Okay before I start let me just say I wrote this whole essay on my situation and I went to copy it just in case i accidentally deleted it and I ended up accidentally deleting it :'(

 

So to start off, the person I've been in love with for three years now and I just broke up, we've been dating for about 1 year and 2 months. and trust me I'm head over heels over him. He's my first everythinggggg, first kiss first boyfriend first ... and of course my first love so he's very important. He's also my best friend and only friend atm. He's honestly everything I've wanted in a friend and a lover put together Nobody in the world has gotten me as much as he does and I have so much fun with him.

 

So there's one thing that he and I just cant seem to get over. It started very early in our relationship, mainly because we both had to endure long distance due to some family problems for him. This was just after he graduated high school, we went from being able to see each other any time of day (even snuck him in at night lol) to three days a week and now we're down to once a week if we're lucky. To be honest the not being able to see each other is alright when we're not in an argument but we were always arguing which leads me to the main problem.

 

At first, it was mainly him feeling scared that he will hurt me and he would tell me to go do better and to leave him alone and he'd push me away a lot. It was easy deal with I wouldn't really get too into my feelings and I would always find a way to talk him out of it. He always does it out of love, he would say his love for me is way too strong to see me just settle for him when I can go find the best... which tbh isn't true at all because I see pure paradise in his eyes

 

ANYWAYS it was always things like that. but very recently it's been getting a lot worse. About a month ago he told me that he's been losing a lot of feelings lately and it could be that he's also losing feelings for me too. He'd go back and forth with it a lot. One second he would say that he could never lose feelings for me even if he tried and the next he'd be like he lost every feeling and doesn't know how to regain them. Of course one of those feelings are the ones he's had for me. He says he lost them a few weeks ago when the numbness started happening and he's been sort of forcing it but there's just no way he can force the feelings he's shown me lately. There's things you just can't force. like the fact that he wasn't able to sleep at all and the second I called him and talked to him he fell asleep so quickly. Other times I'd just hug him and he'd get goosebumps around his neck and just things like that.

 

Even before all of this happened, he showed so much love for me. like he'd be staring at me and he'd start to cry out of happiness and he'd sometimes get so overwhelmed with excitement when I was with him he'd start to shake and I loveeeee that. Its not relevant but there's this one time my friend always mentions, basically I was sleeping on him in another friends car and he was just shaking uncontrollably because he felt so happy to have me and everyone noticed and teased him for it. At the time I was half asleep and I felt him kiss the top of my head and I swear not even my mom ever made me feel so loved.

 

Lately he's been stressed out of his mind, he recently got a few cavities (bc of bad genetics not because he can't take care of his teeth) and he's been needing to pay for the appointments himself and his dentist isn't giving any type of discount. His parents don't wanna help him pay for it either.

 

He's also getting his license revoked and his dad isn't letting him go to court to fix it so he's not gonna have his license until he's 21. His parents are taking his car away.

 

His parents are also the reason why he's carrying stress. Ever since him and his family moved far they've been getting on his case a whole lot more and they yell at him for absolutely no reason sometimes. He always used to tell me how its always a depressing home environment and how he's glad his sisters aren't there anymore because he doesn't want them to deal with all the fighting that goes on there.

 

Last year he had a lot of freedom and was able to escape it all and come to me so it was a sudden change. The way I've been seeing him lately he hasn't been sleeping, he seems a lot more fragile now and very short tempered, he's always getting in trouble with his parents, he's completely overworking himself to pay everything he needs to and I keep telling him to just ask his dad for the money and pay him back later but he wants to prove himself to them.

 

He's been starting to smoke cigarettes again and when i asked him why he'd even think of doing something like that he just said its because he saw his friend do it and just wanted to do it too but later on said it helps him feel at ease.

 

He's all smiles and giggles to everyone but with me he acts that way but he also talks about his loss of feelings a lot and would act sort of numb towards me and I know it's because of all people I know him the most so he would be comfortable to mention it and even act that way around me. He just doesn't seem happy at all. He says this is who he is but you're not really you when the whole world is on your shoulders you know?

 

I'm not sure about the other times this happened but I know that he usually gets in his feelings when bad things happen in his home and the one thing that's been bugging me is the fact that he said he loves me but doesn't want me anymore. Like he still sees beauty in me but he just doesn't see himself being with me. His reasons for not wanting me has a lot to do with him. He doesn't feel good enough for me, and he sees pain in my eyes that wasn't there when we first got together (he thinks the pain is caused by him when he is the antidote to all my pain) and I really don't know what to do. :/

 

My friend that knows him well says he can't be serious because there's no way he could've lost deep feelings like that so quickly and it sort of doesn't make sense to me either, how could he do that but I feel like it does because he has a lot of issues with himself. He says he's always been the type to just lose feelings for people and for things but I noticed that with the people he lost feelings for although he still cared for them it was just something he kind of had against them.

 

With me I asked him if there was anything he had against me and he said he could never hate me but he sees a lot of hidden beauty that he feels like would only come out if he wasn't there. I get what he's doing but tbh he doesn't realize that leaving me would make me a lot worse :/ especially when this is a problem that he's been dealing with for so long. He says the only way he can change it is if he completely restarts himself feelings and all, and that includes him losing his memories (he also has a hard time with remembering memories and past feelings).

 

He doesn't want me there because he's scared to ruin me but truth is me not being there and him not being here is ruining me! I just wanna be there for him even when he's being most emotionless towards me I still wanna just hug him and tell him everything is gonna be okay

 

There's so many things I wanna say to him and so many things i need to or else I'll be ****ed over. I want him to know that I've forgiven him for his mistakes but I still get insecure about it sometimes :/ I just want him to tell me theres no need to be or just something in the midst of that. i want him to know that i ****ing love and need him

 

He's moving back here sometime next month so he won't be an hour away anymore and I think maybe if I wait until then I can hit him up and ask him whats been going on but I'm scared that even then he wont feel anything for me.:/ but at the same time I feel like right now he's only feeling this way because he has so much going on and its hard for him to completely get his feelings under control. When I ask him about it he denies it and even gets mad when I ask him.

 

hahaha i know I'm saying a lot but I wanna give you guys most of what I have from my perspective so it'll be easier to understand.

 

idk if I should still keep hope, being with him was truly the only thing that gave me happiness as well so idk what to do :/

 

Does anyone have thoughts on this?

Edited July 4, 2017 by fatimak

[d0nnivain]

You two are young & this is your 1st relationship. All the feelings feel so much more intense.

 

You say you loved him for 3 years but you have only been together a little over 1 year. That first bit wasn't love. It was lust or infatuation.

 

He seems to be headed down a bad road. He's losing his license. His parents can't prevent him from going to Court. They can refuse to pay for his lawyer & they are under no obligation to buy him a new car. I suspect they are employing some tough love because they see the bad choices their son is making & they are trying to force him to grow up & be more responsible.

 

If he has said he is losing feelings you need to accept that. He's changing, not for the better. It may be time for you to let him go.

[fatimak]

You two are young & this is your 1st relationship. All the feelings feel so much more intense.

 

You say you loved him for 3 years but you have only been together a little over 1 year. That first bit wasn't love. It was lust or infatuation.

 

He seems to be headed down a bad road. He's losing his license. His parents can't prevent him from going to Court. They can refuse to pay for his lawyer & they are under no obligation to buy him a new car. I suspect they are employing some tough love because they see the bad choices their son is making & they are trying to force him to grow up & be more responsible.

 

If he has said he is losing feelings you need to accept that. He's changing, not for the better. It may be time for you to let him go.

 

i just want to see him do good for himself but i can't show him the right way or any way at that. i'm trying to leave him alone but it's really hard for me to let him go knowing that there's nobody else in this world i wanna be around..

[d0nnivain]

i just want to see him do good for himself but i can't show him the right way or any way at that. i'm trying to leave him alone but it's really hard for me to let him go knowing that there's nobody else in this world i wanna be around..

 

He has to take his own path. You're his EX GF. It seems even his parents are struggling to save him from his bad choices.

 

You don't have enough life experience to conclude there's "nobody in this world you wanna be around." The world is a big place. I promise there will be other boys.