Online Dating? Red flag?

July 5, 2017

I would like to add here - that my life is my own. My kids will always be in my life. Period.

If someone can't handle that - then fine. But, I am not going to let having children stop me from meeting people. I literally live in a state by myself, with no family around. Am I supposed to just die alone? i doubt that.

I hire sitters when it is necessary.

I guess I should have been more clear. I agreed to meet someone for coffee to see if I might like to get to know this person better.

I did not say that I am meeting someone for an interview to be the baby daddy, or to get married. He knows this. I know this. The kids know this. And theyre old enough to know better.

o.o

wow

All that being said - I don't meet many people from online. Maybe 3 people over the last few years.

And have decided not to meet this one for sure. It seems too good to be true.

But, all this being said. I am seriously starting to wonder how any of you are adults. Meeting a person does not equate a relationship of any kind. It is coffee.

That brings me to a question. How do yall expect anyone to a.) make new friends (I value both male and female friendships) b.) make friends in an effort to meet an actual significant other?

Do ya'll not get to know people before you jump in? Because I do. I am a strong believer that 2 people should be friends long before anything ever goes in that direction. . . .I strongly feel 2 people should thoroughly know eachother before taking it any further than being friends.

So, does that mean I am not "allowed" to make male friends?

Does it mean that any male friend is a potential partner?

Does it mean that I am obligating my kids because I am having coffee?

my personal opinion is that I am meeting someone for coffee and will happen to have my kids with me atm. Does every man I meet mean that they are a potential person to go into a relationship with?

Please explain to me why making friends and meeting people is unhealthy? Or is it just healthier for me and my kids to stay inside by ourselves until they are 18 and move out.

If I were going on a "date" with a "someone special" I would be getting a sitter. But IRL - it would be a half hour of yacking and laughing at starbucks. So I don't really see the problem here.

Enlighten me.

July 5, 2017

That's the thing - you're talking singular compliments here. A compliment is lovely. But a series of OTT compliments from someone we've never even met is alarming.

I haven't met you and I can give you a compliment as I have healthy ego with confidence! Like I said we're all strangers until we get to know each other. Give people a chance instead of well hurting their ego. Men without a healthy ego won't even give you a the time or day let along giving out random compliments they think the woman is their enemy.

July 5, 2017

I would like to add here - that my life is my own. My kids will always be in my life. Period.

If someone can't handle that - then fine. But, I am not going to let having children stop me from meeting people. I literally live in a state by myself, with no family around. Am I supposed to just die alone? i doubt that.

I hire sitters when it is necessary.

I guess I should have been more clear. I agreed to meet someone for coffee to see if I might like to get to know this person better.

I did not say that I am meeting someone for an interview to be the baby daddy, or to get married. He knows this. I know this. The kids know this. And theyre old enough to know better.

o.o

wow

All that being said - I don't meet many people from online. Maybe 3 people over the last few years.

And have decided not to meet this one for sure. It seems too good to be true.

But, all this being said. I am seriously starting to wonder how any of you are adults. Meeting a person does not equate a relationship of any kind. It is coffee.

That brings me to a question. How do yall expect anyone to a.) make new friends (I value both male and female friendships) b.) make friends in an effort to meet an actual significant other?

Do ya'll not get to know people before you jump in? Because I do. I am a strong believer that 2 people should be friends long before anything ever goes in that direction. . . .I strongly feel 2 people should thoroughly know eachother before taking it any further than being friends.

So, does that mean I am not "allowed" to make male friends?

Does it mean that any male friend is a potential partner?

Does it mean that I am obligating my kids because I am having coffee?

my personal opinion is that I am meeting someone for coffee and will happen to have my kids with me atm. Does every man I meet mean that they are a potential person to go into a relationship with?

Please explain to me why making friends and meeting people is unhealthy? Or is it just healthier for me and my kids to stay inside by ourselves until they are 18 and move out.

If I were going on a "date" with a "someone special" I would be getting a sitter. But IRL - it would be a half hour of yacking and laughing at starbucks. So I don't really see the problem here.

Enlighten me.

No your not seeing things clearly here. We're just saying not to bring your kids on your first date or meeting a stranger you don't know anything about yet. Like some women like to bring their girl friends with them on a first encounter. Not a good idea. You can meet anyone you want at home-depot and Kid R US, just don't know who you can meet up with your kids with you. Yes those are your kids they're important you had them for a reason you want them. But remember not all men going to want to be with you because you have kids. You might not want more kids so the guy you met he might want more kids with you. See it's get so complex. I say women who have kids should date men who have kids as well than those who do not. Some men are okay with this and some are not. It's a matter of choice. Some men never experience having the birth process you have that. But in all fairness I wish you the best of luck with this gentleman caller he has keen interest in you.

Edited July 5, 2017 by coolheadal

July 5, 2017

Now to the original question I asked -

The compliments are alarming.

At first one compliment - you are pretty, or I like you, it comes off as sweet. This guy was laying it on THICK. Every other statement in my message box is You are Pretty, beautiful, amazing, incredible, etc. I ask a question and he avoided a couple of them and I had to ask twice by message. He hasn't given up much information about himself, except that his children live in a nearby town with their mother, and he sees them as often as he can.

Upon thinking this over, I asked the question here, and did some reading. I found the term "love-bombing"

It is a manipulative tactic that people use to distract you from something.

I decided I am not going. He was really nice and cute, and he fit the bill, but I think the guy is too foreward and I have been clear the intentions were to only meet for coffee. Today I was at the festival with my children and when I stopped to check my phone (I am not the type on my phone constantly), but I checked in so I could post a photo of my son to my fb page. My phone had several messages and had been blown up . . .I find that even more alarming. It has been quite annoying with the constant messages I have been receiving and today I did not respond because I was busy with my family. So, I think that it's probably not a good idea to cancel. I quickly responded that I was with my family and then he responded something like "sorry to bother you, i was just thinking about you."

These are things a husband says to his wife. Not things a stranger says to a stranger.

July 5, 2017

No your not seeing things clearly here. We're just saying not to bring your kids on your first date or meeting a stranger you don't know anything about yet. Like some women like to bring their girl friends with them on a first encounter. Not a good idea. You can meet anyone you want at home-depot and Kid R US, just don't know who you can meet up with your kids with you. Yes those are your kids they're important you had them for a reason you want them. But remember not all men going to want to be with you because you have kids. You might not want more kids so the guy you met he might want more kids with you. See it's get so complex. I say women who have kids should date men who have kids as well than those who do not. Some men are okay with this and some are not. It's a matter of choice. Some men never experience having the birth process you have that. But in all fairness I wish you the best of luck with this gentleman caller he has keen interest in you.

Since when was it appropriate to talk about having kids upon meeting someone for coffee? I don't want to talk about kids until long after I know this guy. And if that comes up on a first meeting, there is no way in hell I would see this person again. That is insane.

July 5, 2017

So I am at home depot, and some stranger walks up to me and strikes up a conversation. . . .and what? I am supposed to stay silent? I am looking at paint stain because I am an artist, turns out that guy is an artist too! He says he likes me and would like to get to know me? So what? I am supposed to stay silent because my kids with me at the moment? I am supposed to say Noooo you can't do that? My kids are right here. You have to meet me when my kids are with their baby sitter or at school or something, and then I can give you my number.

(And, then on the phone, I will proceed to ask all of the same questions I would be asking if I were meeting someone from online.)

So what am I supposed to do?

July 5, 2017

Now to the original question I asked -

The compliments are alarming.

At first one compliment - you are pretty, or I like you, it comes off as sweet. This guy was laying it on THICK. Every other statement in my message box is You are Pretty, beautiful, amazing, incredible, etc. I ask a question and he avoided a couple of them and I had to ask twice by message. He hasn't given up much information about himself, except that his children live in a nearby town with their mother, and he sees them as often as he can.

Upon thinking this over, I asked the question here, and did some reading. I found the term "love-bombing"

It is a manipulative tactic that people use to distract you from something.

I decided I am not going. He was really nice and cute, and he fit the bill, but I think the guy is too foreward and I have been clear the intentions were to only meet for coffee. Today I was at the festival with my children and when I stopped to check my phone (I am not the type on my phone constantly), but I checked in so I could post a photo of my son to my fb page. My phone had several messages and had been blown up . . .I find that even more alarming. It has been quite annoying with the constant messages I have been receiving and today I did not respond because I was busy with my family. So, I think that it's probably not a good idea to cancel. I quickly responded that I was with my family and then he responded something like "sorry to bother you, i was just thinking about you."

These are things a husband says to his wife. Not things a stranger says to a stranger.

Well if he has bombed your phone then you shouldn't bother to go out with him then. He has some unhealthy ego issues, and you frankly don't want that in your life. Those issues usually stem from past toxic relationships he might have encountered with women he had dated or etc..

July 5, 2017

I couldn't care less about compliments, especially the ones based on my pictures online. Call me rude, but I usually don't even react or say thank you because they mean absolutely nothing until the guy actually meets me in real life. Receiving compliments in excessive amounts is a complete turn off and a red flag and I'll probably stop responding. For me it means they are just captured by the exterior and doesn't really want to get to know me, since I have so much more to offer than just my pics. Or they think they can sway me into sleeping with them. Proceed with caution.

Now if someone compliments me on my intelligence or thoughts, it's a different story!

Btw i agree with other posters how weird it is to bring your teenage kids along on first dates, never heard such a thing

July 5, 2017

Since when was it appropriate to talk about having kids upon meeting someone for coffee? I don't want to talk about kids until long after I know this guy. And if that comes up on a first meeting, there is no way in hell I would see this person again. That is insane.

<insert crazy girlfriend meme here>

I never said that way, so relax my dear. You have kids sure you should tell guys about that. Do you know how many men will not date a women who has prior kids. It would be alarming to know it's a lot. I have dated women with kids 1, 2, 3, 4 kids and some early grandmas with 3 grand kids on top of that. That's a lot to deal with. Most men say they run for he hills. What they're saying it's just not fair for them be with a women with kids prior. Kids have to get along with the guy even if you don't want the guy to meet your kids yet what happens if you fall for him and your kids don't want him around. You should mention you have kids before you even step out the door with a guy. No need to hide that fact. I don't see why you would and he doesn't have to meet them until your ready to have that happen. I always ask the woman I trying to get to know are you married, if not are you single. Do you have any kids if so how many. I am find with 1 or 2. 3 or 4 kind of tough for a single guy like me to deal with since I never had kids and really never had the experience of child birth process only as uncle not as husband. I still respect women with kids and I don't mine dating them. To me their the best woman to date because they know how to care for this kids and thus care about the guy they're dating as well. I've been with women who never wanted kids and never married. Not a happy woman I can tell you that. Never again will I go though that with that sort of women. Toxic, sorry old memories.. I am happy man, and have healthy ego and treat and respect women. That's how it should be compliments I give. I not going to bomb your phone. Suppose to send a Hi how are you? Text and wait until she answers you back. If she doesn't then be a confident man wait or just move on..

Edited July 5, 2017 by coolheadal

July 5, 2017

My kids know and understand what is happening - and It is a coffe date to meet someone new. It's nothing more than meeting someone. Period. Yall are acting like I want to make him my baby daddy on the first meeting? Um NO.

TBH my kids don't need a father and I am not looking for a father figure. A respectable human being that interacts with my kids sometimes is what I am going to say it is.

The guy has kids too - and meeting up for coffee for half an hour is not a huge deal (man or woman)

And everyone so solemnly telling me about the "safety" of my children - - eh hem. I am a deadly weapon. Nobody is going to hurt us. I fact check, run backgrounds, and check the sex offender registry before I ever let anyone in my home.

I support and fully support my kids and have for a long time. I am prepared to pay a babysitter - but theyre teenagers and there is not a damn thing wrong with having them at a coffee shop. New people are introduced as friends. Because that is what we are doing. Meeting friends.

Or do yall just change your relationship status every time you meet someone new? Because that's not me.

We're talking about their emotional health as well. Going on dates with mommy is not emotionally healthy for teenagers, sorry. They are teenagers. Leave them at home!

July 5, 2017

So I am at home depot, and some stranger walks up to me and strikes up a conversation. . . .and what? I am supposed to stay silent? I am looking at paint stain because I am an artist, turns out that guy is an artist too! He says he likes me and would like to get to know me? So what? I am supposed to stay silent because my kids with me at the moment? I am supposed to say Noooo you can't do that? My kids are right here. You have to meet me when my kids are with their baby sitter or at school or something, and then I can give you my number.

(And, then on the phone, I will proceed to ask all of the same questions I would be asking if I were meeting someone from online.)

So what am I supposed to do?

If a stranger talks to you about Home Depot, so be it. But the majority of men do not pick up women with teenagers in tow. And if they do, I would hope these are not the caliber of men you are considering dating.

July 5, 2017

I couldn't care less about compliments, especially the ones based on my pictures online. Call me rude, but I usually don't even react or say thank you because they mean absolutely nothing until the guy actually meets me in real life. Receiving compliments in excessive amounts is a complete turn off and a red flag and I'll probably stop responding. For me it means they are just captured by the exterior and doesn't really want to get to know me, since I have so much more to offer than just my pics. Or they think they can sway me into sleeping with them. Proceed with caution.

Now if someone compliments me on my intelligence or thoughts, it's a different story!

Btw i agree with other posters how weird it is to bring your teenage kids along on first dates, never heard such a thing

Wow so your the type that like compliments on your smart than your looks. I say it as it depends as your profile and my readings of your eyes. I am not just your typical man. I don't give the compliments out always it depends. I do agree with you last part about not bring the kids with you on the first date that's wrong and gives the guy and uneasy feeling as well as the kids. I had that happen to me as I had mentioned. The woman that came to meet me was a professional book publisher and was shock the kids was with her. I never asked her about kids. Her 6 year old son said Mommy what about Daddy? She was cheating on the her husband he was down here with her? What a mess that was and i frankly shouldn't have gone on any date with her and her son too the movies of all places.

July 5, 2017

I'm sorry, I'm sure you are trying to be kind and are trying to connect with women but if I were on the receiving end of your comments such as the bolded one above, you would be blocked. It would be a huge turnoff to receive such a message and I suspect the "tough woman" who thanked you was just being nice, or doesn't have boundaries herself. You believe that "most welcome the compliments" but that is such a generalization and is simply your belief, not a universal truth. I would find your approach overly familiar and creepy to say the least.

Well as a man with a healthy ego I can respect your thinking here but that example I knew the women. She's tough because she never really put her self out there to meet men. She is like the rest who like to window shop. If you have the entire story they your reply would be different. Same with the OP if we all had the entire story then we would make a better call. I only give out compliment out if they seem to need one. Rare I do that now. But like I said we all here have our own ideas and social gatherings. You might not want compliments but the next woman might.

Thanks for your response on this subject..

July 5, 2017

Over-complementing can be a red flag, especially if paired with a man who cannot seem to discuss anything personal or "normal" or "real." It's normal to be a bit evasive with OLD, no major details shared like where you work, but the general industry is okay. BUT...given this guy is local and wants to meet in person, I would likely give it a shot. It's the ones that "travel a lot" or "in the military," "deployed," etc., basically not in your area, that would give me pause.

However, with your update that he blew up your phone and over-texts, I might back off of this one.

Your kids are teens. Leave them at home. Are they unable to be left alone? To be the potential mate/step of high-needs children or unruly teenagers is something that requires disclosure, but still not necessary to bring them on your dates. You can incorporate more family-oriented outings in the future. Your only goal on the first date (few dates) is to see if the guy is weird or if you click. The kids need not be involved in that. I leave mine at home.

July 5, 2017

I can't imagine anything worse as a teenager than going on a date with my mother. Nor could I ever imagine taking teens with me on a date.

As to the guy at Home Depot, get his number and call him later.

July 5, 2017

I am writing because I am obviously horrible at reading signals.

I am just wanting to test out the waters and see what is out there.

...texting me almost non-stop with alot of compliments. ...keeps calling me amazing, incredible, and beautiful incessantly. ...making me a little apprehensive about the meeting.

I will have my kids with me

my personal opinion is that I am meeting someone for coffee and will happen to have my kids with me atm. Does every man I meet mean that they are a potential person to go into a relationship with?

Please explain to me why making friends and meeting people is unhealthy? Or is it just healthier for me and my kids to stay inside by ourselves until they are 18 and move out.

So I don't really see the problem here.

Enlighten me.

The guy's inappropriate behavior is making you so apprehensive that you're leery to even meet, yet at the same time you intend is to bring your teenage kids along... on a first meet with this stranger, and one whose behavior is making you feel extremely uneasy... and when everyone on the thread responds NO in unison, and tries to explain why taking kids on dates is inappropriate even under the best of circumstances, you push back, twist their words and logic and use every irrational trick in the book to tell them that you're right and they don't know what they're talking about.

Red flags? Yea, I don't think I've ever seen so many in one thread! Sometime I am just amazed.

July 5, 2017

The guy's inappropriate behavior is making you so apprehensive that you're leery to even meet, yet at the same time you intend is to bring your teenage kids along... on a first meet with this stranger, and one whose behavior is making you feel extremely uneasy... and when everyone on the thread responds NO in unison, and tries to explain why taking kids on dates is inappropriate even under the best of circumstances, you push back, twist their words and logic and use every irrational trick in the book to tell them that you're right and they don't know what they're talking about.

Red flags? Yea, I don't think I've ever seen so many in one thread! Sometime I am just amazed.

I'm not. My ex-husband was like this. In a group of 100 people, 99 could say the sky was blue, and my ex would be the only one saying it was gray, and he absolutely believed it to his core and everyone else was an idiot. (Hypothetical example; this never actually happened and my ex is not color blind )

July 5, 2017

Compliments are not bad if they're well welcome. I see a lot of you are married so I guess the compliment days are out. I going to continue giving them out. I don't have to follow any rules but not all women are the equal.

Sometimes men have to say a different line to get a women attention on OLD.

Like the old saying goes chivalry is not dead.

But now we see how all you feel about compliments are what they are good. This guy who the OP has chatted with online and made them into not so good intentions and the later end he has made her cell sms bombed out. That's the the good way to get your message across.

Bringing your teens on your first date is a no, no. They're your kids not your best friends. What are they suppose to do on the date. Who's going to buy them food and drink. This guy might see you with the kids and bail out but since it never happen no harm was indented. But kids need to be out of grown adults affairs. Your suppose to be on a date, do you go on your kids dates nope. You shouldn't go this is not the 1950s.

July 5, 2017

I'm not sure if his being overly complimentary is any creepier than your bringing your kids along to the first meet with the guy.

July 5, 2017

Compliments are not bad if they're well welcome. I see a lot of you are married so I guess the compliment days are out. I going to continue giving them out. I don't have to follow any rules but not all women are the equal.

Sometimes men have to say a different line to get a women attention on OLD.
Like the old saying goes chivalry is not dead.

But now we see how all you feel about compliments are what they are good. This guy who the OP has chatted with online and made them into not so good intentions and the later end he has made her cell sms bombed out. That's the the good way to get your message across.

Bringing your teens on your first date is a no, no. They're your kids not your best friends. What are they suppose to do on the date. Who's going to buy them food and drink. This guy might see you with the kids and bail out but since it never happen no harm was indented. But kids need to be out of grown adults affairs. Your suppose to be on a date, do you go on your kids dates nope. You shouldn't go this is not the 1950s.

If he's a smart man, he WILL bail because the judgment of the adult he's on the date with should be called into serious question.

And, I agree, kids need to be kept out of adult matters. NO exceptions. Not even coffee dates.

July 5, 2017

So I am at home depot, and some stranger walks up to me and strikes up a conversation. . . .and what? I am supposed to stay silent? I am looking at paint stain because I am an artist, turns out that guy is an artist too! He says he likes me and would like to get to know me? So what? I am supposed to stay silent because my kids with me at the moment? I am supposed to say Noooo you can't do that? My kids are right here. You have to meet me when my kids are with their baby sitter or at school or something, and then I can give you my number.

(And, then on the phone, I will proceed to ask all of the same questions I would be asking if I were meeting someone from online.)

So what am I supposed to do?

Of course you can talk to the person in a public place. What you can't do is agree to meet him later for a date & bring your kids.

It's fine for children to see their parents having conversation with another adult. Taking the kids on the date is a different story. It's about context.

In the end, they are you kids. If you think taking them on a date is good plan, by all means continue to take them. Most men probably won't ask for a second date & your kids will lack stability.

As a friend of mine used to say when she was dating as a single mom, nobody gets to meet my kids for the 1st 6+ months because my kids don't deserve to get broken up with. She didn't want her kids to get attached to men who weren't going to stick around.

If it's only 30 minutes & they are teens, why can't you leave them home? At least ask them if they want to come. I'm sure it's very awkward for them.

Edited July 5, 2017 by d0nnivain

July 5, 2017

Of course you can talk to the person in a public place. What you can't do is agree to meet him later for a date & bring your kids.

It's fine for children to see their parents having conversation with another adult. Taking the kids on the date is a different story. It's about context.

In the end, they are you kids. If you think taking them on a date is good plan, by all means continue to take them. Most men probably won't ask for a second date & your kids will lack stability.

As a friend of mine used to say when she was dating as a single mom, nobody gets to meet my kids for the 1st 6+ months because my kids don't deserve to get broken up with. She didn't want her kids to get attached to men who weren't going to stick around.

If it's only 30 minutes & they are teens, why can't you leave them home? At least ask them if they want to come. I'm sure it's very awkward for them.

I think OP's argument for this is that she isn't jumping right into a relationship with this guys/isn't moving him in/isn't making out with him. They are just meeting for the first time, so her kids aren't in danger.

However, can you even imagine being a teenager and and your mother dragging you to a date to meet a new guy?? How embarrassing and uncomfortable. My kids would die of embarrassment if I did that to them. My daughter was horrified just at seeing the eHarmony app on my phone last year lol!

Putting your kids in this uncomfortable situation is just cruel.

July 5, 2017

Seeing your parents date isn't pleasant. Kids are not meant to get involved into their parents' private life too much and going on first dates with their mom is waaay too involving. It's totally a TMI. I'm 28 and I still facepalm when my dad shows me pictures of some women he's chatting to. It's just embarrassing and I'm an adult so think how it affects a teenager.

July 5, 2017

Never, ever expose your children to strangers . . . ever. Teenagers are still children and they should be protected in every situation. You don't know this guy. Public meeting or not, stuff happens. They could follow you, etc. Always, always err on the side of caution when children are involved.

All that being said, this guy is a little over the top with the compliments, i.e. priming the pump for an ONS at least. I'd cancel the meet up, but if you go, you go alone, you let him leave first (say goodbye and go to the ladies room so that he isn't likely to follow you). If he's still around waiting for you, you get in your car and go a different route home or stop at a store or something and observe your surroundings.

July 5, 2017

I am just going to agree to disagree here and leave this alone.

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