Phoenician Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 I have read so many threads and saw confusions including my own ;and finally my vision of cheating is clearer : going back to original definition : " to break a rule or law usually to gain an advantage at something". This simple rule makes me believe that when talking about relationships boundaries are clear , but as human we tend to ignore them . When two are married for example , they have to respect all vows , so when talking about deal breakers and boundaries in cheating it is now obvious for me that any vows breaking is cheating . cheating examples : -if a partner is sick and his/her partner is not taking care . -masturbating in secret while the partner is willing to have intimacy . -sex deprivation without any genuine reason ( small headache ,doesn't want to get the cover dirty, etc...) -unwillingness to sacrifice . -keeping any secret on purpose from partner even silly materialistic issues (hiding money,hiding info , etc ....). In brief , any issue that is hidden from partner on purpose knowing that it could make him/her upset is cheating ; once truth revealed in advance , no matter if partners accepts it or not ; it is not cheating anymore opinions ? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 In common English usage, the word Cheating (when used in the context of a relationship) means to have sexual contact with someone outside of the relationship without your partner's consent. I guess you could break it down into a heap of semantics, but it wouldn't accurately reflect common use of the word. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted July 4, 2017 Author Share Posted July 4, 2017 In common English usage, the word Cheating (when used in the context of a relationship) means to have sexual contact with someone outside of the relationship without your partner's consent. I guess you could break it down into a heap of semantics, but it wouldn't accurately reflect common use of the word. true , the question is not really the word itself , do we consider the weight of cheating as relatively equal to breaking vows or promises ? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 true , the question is not really the word itself , do we consider the weight of cheating as relatively equal to breaking vows or promises ? Weight/level of cheating matter? No, it is still cheating. Yes, because it is easier to get over the WS having a deep kissing session then a deep P in the V session. Though no matter what cheating was done it always could of been worse. To try to delve deeper into this subject is as trying to split an atom with a butter knife. Pointless for one will never get anywhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 In common English usage, the word Cheating (when used in the context of a relationship) means to have sexual contact with someone outside of the relationship without your partner's consent. I guess you could break it down into a heap of semantics, but it wouldn't accurately reflect common use of the word. I agree with this. The other things mentioned in the original post I would count as betraying the other in the relationship. You betray the trust they have put in you to be there for them. Cheating is having your emotional or physical needs fulfilled outside the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 I think there has to be an agreement or understanding that something will not occur. Cheating is breaking that agreement. Using one of OP's examples, I would never agree to not masturbate. Therefore, I wouldn't consider masturbation to be cheating. No matter how she felt about it. Self-pleasure is a personal matter and I believe anybody has the right to do it. The key is finding someone with whom you agree and each person living up to that standard. Some people have fully open relationships and that works for them. "Cheating" will vary from couple to couple because we define it differently. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 true , the question is not really the word itself , do we consider the weight of cheating as relatively equal to breaking vows or promises ? I am 100% accountable for what I choose to do in a relationship regardless of my partner's choices. The end If you are asking if it is okay to cheat if your wife is lazy, won't give sex, breaks vows in your estimation... The answer is no. Her bad behavior (if it exists) is not an excuse for you to behave badly. Sorry, other proples' bad choices don't get you off the hook for your own. The best way to deal with a bad marriage is backbone. The backbone to make your current life as good as possible. Or the backbone to leave your current life and make a new one. And victimhood has no place in either of the choices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 If my partner is sick and I don't take care of her, if I masturbate or if I don't feel like having sex because of "small headache" I'm sure as hell not cheating. Maybe I'm a bad partner. I wouldn't blame my woman if she broke up with me and moved on if that's all I had to offer her. If she went out and got some on the side, she'd be a lot lower than I. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 IMO in the context of a relationship cheating is only having sex with somebody who is not your partner. I am one of those who does not believe an "emotional affair" is even a thing. I do agree that if one partner opens up to a different person & ignores the relationship that the relationship has problems but I'm loathe to call anything other than the physical act cheating. All the other things you mentioned will eventually kill a relationship & they are certainly not healthy loving behaviors but they are not cheating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 I was going to say none of that is infidelity or cheating like in a game, just poor behavior/selfishness like d0nnivian said. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 true , the question is not really the word itself , do we consider the weight of cheating as relatively equal to breaking vows or promises ? sir, I say this with all due respect to you. You sound terribly sad and lonely. Your posts make me think of a public service advertisement I once saw. It was about addiction ( not that I am saying that part of it applies to you) and I was of a young man hitting his head against the wall, all while trying to find reasons to make himself stop. That what it sounds like you are doing to me. It sounds like you have tried really hard to make you situation better, but you are hurting yourself doing so, just like the guy with the wall. I can't say what the accepted definition of is when it comes to "cheating" in other areas of a marriage, as there probably isn't one. What's true for one couple may not be true for another. One thing I have noticed (and I am hoping this does not apply to you) is that spouses will often start this type of rhetorical pondering when they want to cheat and are trying to justify it. From what I can tell, cheating is not something your would be comfortable with. If I can give you one piece of advice. If I am right, and cheating goes against your values system, don't do it. It might be a temporary fix, but it won't really change anything. You'll still be feeling bad, and you will be right back whee you were, only now, you'll also have been in an affair, and you may well feel even worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) IMO in the context of a relationship cheating is only having sex with somebody who is not your partner. I am one of those who does not believe an "emotional affair" is even a thing. I do agree that if one partner opens up to a different person & ignores the relationship that the relationship has problems but I'm loathe to call anything other than the physical act cheating. All the other things you mentioned will eventually kill a relationship & they are certainly not healthy loving behaviors but they are not cheating. Really? if your husband was having dinner with another person and has an emotional connection to her and avoids having dinner with you. That means they are emotionally invested in one another . I rather my wife or gf have meaningless sex with someone than have an emotional connection to another individual because that means she is shipping all her feelings into another individual. Sex is not even a high priority to most women so losing the emotional connections is cheating. In the OM/OW forum emotional affairs is pretty much the mule that leads to sex. Edited July 6, 2017 by Sweetfish Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Really? if your husband was having dinner with another person and has an emotional connection to her and avoids having dinner with you. just quoting this to point out that there's a lot more here than just having dinner with someone. sharing food with another human - normal human activity developing emotional bond - this could be trouble REJECTING normal activity with the spouse - something has gone badly wrong in the relationship! Anyway. Emotional affairs are a thing. They do not always lead to sex, and they certainly don't always lead to sex quickly. Depending on their nature, sometimes spouses are actually okay with an emotional affair as long as the primary nature of the marital relationship is accepted. if you really hate some activity your spouse is into, and someone else is willing to meet that part of her needs for you, it can be a benefit to both. there's no hard rule that applies for all relationships. it's cheating within your relationship if you both know and agreed that it's cheating within your relationship. if your rule is no dinners with the opposite sex, then sneaking out to have one would be a kind of cheating even if nothing sexual or emotional was going on. that doesn't mean that rule is right or wrong but if it's the rule within that relationship, that's how it is, you can argue to change the rule or leave the relationship but if you decide to just bypass that rule you're cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Really? if your husband was having dinner with another person and has an emotional connection to her and avoids having dinner with you. That means they are emotionally invested in one another . I rather my wife or gf have meaningless sex with someone than have an emotional connection to another individual because that means she is shipping all her feelings into another individual. Sex is not even a high priority to most women so losing the emotional connections is cheating. In the OM/OW forum emotional affairs is pretty much the mule that leads to sex. And that is a valid opinion and viewpoint...for YOU. People are allowed to define things differently. I believe emotional infidelity is a real thing. I also believe there is such a thing as financial infidelity. AND I believe that withholding sex is as much of a betrayal and broken promise as having sex with someone else - it's a unilateral decision about someone else's life without their input. However, because I am an adult, I understand that other people can feel differently. It's not an objective absolute. Link to post Share on other sites
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