I feel bad after breaking up with him

July 3, 2017

I have been seeing this younger guy for roughly 6 months, and I just broke up with him last night.

Considering how much a late-boomer I am and how immature I can be, I thought the age gap would be okay, and I generally date younger guys because I went back to school in mid-20s for a second baccalaureate degree.

However, we did find a lot of differences, and unlike him who was optimistic and excited about learning of them, I was just tired of trying to show him things could be different. We met at work, but we somehow managed to move to the same city for separate reasons (me, school and him, work). Even though he did not say I was the main factor that led him to move, I think it was.

He's a great guy. He made me feel loved without me trying at all. Very affectionate to the point I felt uneasy. Pretty responsible, caring, and most of the time fun to talk to. He liked to argue playfully, which was fun in the beginning but started to get old as things in life got serious (like moving to a different state and choosing school).

Ultimately, I did not feel the same feeling he had for me. I tried, and I tried to do what I could from my side to make him feel cared for. He used to ask for a lot of advice from me, and gradually I began feeling like a parent. His parents are not the best people to give advice, so I felt like I had to step up to give the best advice I could give.

There were some things that had built up inside me, and we had talked about them and he was resistant to changing. I did not expect him to change, so it wasn't a surprise, but I still felt like if nothing were to change, then there is no point of continuing the relationship. What were his thoughts on this? He apparently thought that we would enjoy the differences as long as we could, even if some of the things were bothering me so much.

Yes, I sound like a stubborn person and I think it's because I've been living on my own for a while (I'm in 30s) and I have set of beliefs and ways of things established. In the past I have had issues with accommodating too much, so I think I somehow resolved that problem by being more stubborn.

In the end, I decided that I was just not going to be happy with him, and decided to end the relationship. Perhaps at the wrong time though. I am in a different state until school starts, and I wanted to end it in person when I go back. However, a part of me also thought that perhaps it's not the best for him to be led on during the summer and find out that I had different plans this whole time.

So broke up with him while we've been on this temporary long-term. Also I did it while he was visiting his family for the 4th. Not intentionally. I did not plan this, but while having a conversation with him, I just got so frustrated with his habit of responding questions with irrelevant answers. He was upset obviously, and he said that he is hurt because he never felt like I liked him like he like me. So he knew, but he never expressed his insecurities.

I don't love myself. I don't think I am beautiful or cute like he used to tell me I was. I don't think I am smart and witty like he thought I was. I am not this godly figure he made me feel like. The affection he showed me sometime confused me because of my low self-esteem.

I still think I did the right thing, but I feel empty. It's probably a temporary emptiness I feel because I don't hear from him anymore. I felt like I needed to check on him because he disappeared after the conversation last night. He hasn't responded. I feel horrible, but relieved, and a bit hurt even though I probably don't deserve feeling hurt. I think this is fair for him though since I can't see myself being with him long-term and he deserves better.

I don't know why I wrote a post here. I think I just wanted to let things out. I wasn't very proud of dating him so not many people know about us and this situation. While writing this post though, for the first time today, I am wondering if I messed up what could have been so good.

I would love some feedback. Thank you.

Edited July 4, 2017 by littleraindrops.

July 4, 2017

I think it's natural to feel bad after breaking up with someone because you know you left someone in pain. However, if it wasn't working for you it's better that you did it sooner rather than later. Presumably he's not in school right now and can use the summer to heal.

Whatever you do not try to contact him. He will be alright. He has family and friends for support. I don't know if you've spent any amount of time on forums like these but typically what happens when a dumper gets in touch is it creates confusion for the dumpee. Why is she contacting me? Does she regret it? Does she want me back? It's torture for them, really - analyzing every word you say. Leave him alone so he can get over you.

As far as how you feel about yourself, perhaps some personal counseling would be beneficial?

July 4, 2017

I'm so sorry you're going thru this; it must be very difficult for you.

It's natural for dumpers to feel guilty. You have just hurt someone you deeply cared for. Now is the time to focus on yourself and work on your self esteem. Engage in activities that give you a sense of self worth and confidence.

I can tell from the compassion on this post, that you are a BEAUTIFUL women.

Good luck my friend. Hugs.

July 4, 2017

I think it's natural to feel bad after breaking up with someone because you know you left someone in pain. However, if it wasn't working for you it's better that you did it sooner rather than later. Presumably he's not in school right now and can use the summer to heal.

Whatever you do not try to contact him. He will be alright. He has family and friends for support. I don't know if you've spent any amount of time on forums like these but typically what happens when a dumper gets in touch is it creates confusion for the dumpee. Why is she contacting me? Does she regret it? Does she want me back? It's torture for them, really - analyzing every word you say. Leave him alone so he can get over you.

As far as how you feel about yourself, perhaps some personal counseling would be beneficial?

I understand what you are trying to say. I don't wish to get back together, but I just want to make sure he's okay and perhaps continue the friendship in the long run.

I will refrain myself from contacting him from now on until he reaches out. And I agree with your statement about the possibility of confusing him. I have been dumped before, but thankfully not one of the exes had contacted me when I was feeling vulnerable. I will remember what you said, and keep myself from causing any confusion.

It's just so weird that I am not hearing from him. I can't believe a day has gone without a word.

And I am looking into counseling. I probably need it. Thank you for your kind words.

July 4, 2017

I'm so sorry you're going thru this; it must be very difficult for you.

It's natural for dumpers to feel guilty. You have just hurt someone you deeply cared for. Now is the time to focus on yourself and work on your self esteem. Engage in activities that give you a sense of self worth and confidence.

I can tell from the compassion on this post, that you are a BEAUTIFUL women.

Good luck my friend. Hugs.

Hi. Thank you for your comment.

What makes me sad is, I actually didn't feel too bad when I was breaking up with him because I was so upset. It only occurred to me this afternoon that what I said were hurtful. The fact that my words cannot be reversed makes me feel worse.

I will try to find things to do, as you suggested.

And I wish I were beautiful, especially the inside. I regret saying a lot of things to him last night.

July 4, 2017

His silence is likely because one of the worst things a person who has been dumped can do is reach toward the source of their pain. His family/friends may be (rightfully) advising him to not communicate with you. You said he is with his family so trust that they are taking care of him. You can't fix it.

I am not trying to make you feel worse, just saying the way to feeling better (for him) is likely not going to be by remaining in touch. Continuing a friendship is a nice thought, but it rarely works out, most certainly not for a very long time. You don't have to look too deeply into this forum to see a lot of people who have been dumped hanging onto friendships with hopes of reconciling...so be very mindful of that.

Hopefully you are both feeling better soon.

July 4, 2017

His silence is likely because one of the worst things a person who has been dumped can do is reach toward the source of their pain. His family/friends may be (rightfully) advising him to not communicate with you. You said he is with his family so trust that they are taking care of him. You can't fix it.

I am not trying to make you feel worse, just saying the way to feeling better (for him) is likely not going to be by remaining in touch. Continuing a friendship is a nice thought, but it rarely works out, most certainly not for a very long time. You don't have to look too deeply into this forum to see a lot of people who have been dumped hanging onto friendships with hopes of reconciling...so be very mindful of that.

Hopefully you are both feeling better soon.

Hi,

Thank you for your comment. And thank you for speaking from his side. You are right- his family and friends must be trying to keep him from talking to me. And I think he probably doesn't want to contact me himself either. I am in a situation where I will have to talk to him once I move back to that state he is in, but I will keep quiet until I must talk to him.

Thanks again.

July 4, 2017

Hi!!!

I know you feel badly, but I don't think there is any easy way to break up with someone. You did the right thing by being honest with him and ending it now, instead of stringing him along over the summer. That takes courage and integrity.

At the end of your post, you are questioning the break up. Could you provide a little more detail?

Take care my friend. Hugs!!!

July 4, 2017

If you can't see yourself being with him long term, then what else could you do? He has a chance to find someone who does see him as a long-term prospect now.

You said you weren't proud of yourself for dating him. That seems quite significant. If you are not proud to be with someone, then you are going to find fault with them.

I think you did the right thing because you don't want to offer him what he needs, but you might want to ask yourself why you were not proud. It might help you to understand what was driving you to end it.

July 4, 2017

Hi!!!

I know you feel badly, but I don't think there is any easy way to break up with someone. You did the right thing by being honest with him and ending it now, instead of stringing him along over the summer. That takes courage and integrity.

At the end of your post, you are questioning the break up. Could you provide a little more detail?

Take care my friend. Hugs!!!

Hi divegrl,

Thank you for the comment again. I was questioning my decision because he had been so good to me. Almost like a family who can love me unconditionally. I am assuming that it's rare for people to find someone like that, so I am having difficulty letting go of that aspect of him. I probably sound selfish, but no one had treated me as well as he did. It was just the fundamental differences that were so hard to overcome. Discussions to compromise turned out to be waste of time as he disagreed to change.

July 4, 2017

If you can't see yourself being with him long term, then what else could you do? He has a chance to find someone who does see him as a long-term prospect now.

You said you weren't proud of yourself for dating him. That seems quite significant. If you are not proud to be with someone, then you are going to find fault with them.

I think you did the right thing because you don't want to offer him what he needs, but you might want to ask yourself why you were not proud. It might help you to understand what was driving you to end it.

Hi spiderowl,

Thank you for the comment.

In the middle of our relationship, he was let go of his job due to poor work ethics. As I mentioned earlier, he also spoke of immature topics when we weren't talking about our field- science.

You are right. These aspects of him were disappointing as I was almost the opposite of him at work. I tried not to, but when people started to look down at him, I almost felt embarrassed. Ultimately, I helped him find a better fitting job, and he is doing very well now. Well-respected by the coworkers.

I think seeing the side of him that could have been fixed so easy that he struggled so much with made me feel helpless in a way. I just didn't understand why he didn't try hard in the old job. At the new job, he gets to work on his own schedule, so the basic work ethics is not an issue.

Additionally, we just had very different philosophies for life in general, and had so many arguments. To share our hobbies, I had suggested volunteering for the indigent people, but he looked at me like I was joking. Everyone in my family participates in helping the community in some form, so this was also something that I wasn't content with. I didn't want to force him to go, and it wasn't something that I wanted my family and friends to find out, if I were to introduce him to them.

July 5, 2017

I don't love myself. I don't think I am beautiful or cute like he used to tell me I was. I don't think I am smart and witty like he thought I was. I am not this godly figure he made me feel like. The affection he showed me sometime confused me because of my low self-esteem.

I feel horrible, but relieved, and a bit hurt even though I probably don't deserve feeling hurt. I think this is fair for him though since I can't see myself being with him long-term and he deserves better.

First sentence in bold is the key point here. Essentially what your saying is you can't value someone who likes you and treats you well because you don't really value yourself. So your basically going to be more attracted to someone who treats you poorly because that is more in line with how you see yourself.

Second point in bold. I think that comment is a bit rich. Whenever anybody enters a relationship, they have to accept the risk of hurt. Now that it has ended badly, you can't say you don't deserve to be hurt. GET REAL and accept what has happened. Two people got hurt here and there is nothing that can be done to fix that now so OWN IT and LEARN FROM IT.

edit: on the second point, maybe you meant you don't deserve feeling hurt because your the dumper. if that is the case, then disregard my comment above, since it sounds like you already acknowledge that what I wrote above is true.

Edited July 5, 2017 by marky00

July 6, 2017

I have been seeing this younger guy for roughly 6 months, and I just broke up with him last night.

Considering how much a late-boomer I am and how immature I can be, I thought the age gap would be okay, and I generally date younger guys because I went back to school in mid-20s for a second baccalaureate degree.

However, we did find a lot of differences, and unlike him who was optimistic and excited about learning of them, I was just tired of trying to show him things could be different. We met at work, but we somehow managed to move to the same city for separate reasons (me, school and him, work). Even though he did not say I was the main factor that led him to move, I think it was.

He's a great guy. He made me feel loved without me trying at all. Very affectionate to the point I felt uneasy. Pretty responsible, caring, and most of the time fun to talk to. He liked to argue playfully, which was fun in the beginning but started to get old as things in life got serious (like moving to a different state and choosing school).

Ultimately, I did not feel the same feeling he had for me. I tried, and I tried to do what I could from my side to make him feel cared for. He used to ask for a lot of advice from me, and gradually I began feeling like a parent. His parents are not the best people to give advice, so I felt like I had to step up to give the best advice I could give.

There were some things that had built up inside me, and we had talked about them and he was resistant to changing. I did not expect him to change, so it wasn't a surprise, but I still felt like if nothing were to change, then there is no point of continuing the relationship. What were his thoughts on this? He apparently thought that we would enjoy the differences as long as we could, even if some of the things were bothering me so much.

Yes, I sound like a stubborn person and I think it's because I've been living on my own for a while (I'm in 30s) and I have set of beliefs and ways of things established. In the past I have had issues with accommodating too much, so I think I somehow resolved that problem by being more stubborn.

In the end, I decided that I was just not going to be happy with him, and decided to end the relationship. Perhaps at the wrong time though. I am in a different state until school starts, and I wanted to end it in person when I go back. However, a part of me also thought that perhaps it's not the best for him to be led on during the summer and find out that I had different plans this whole time.

So broke up with him while we've been on this temporary long-term. Also I did it while he was visiting his family for the 4th. Not intentionally. I did not plan this, but while having a conversation with him, I just got so frustrated with his habit of responding questions with irrelevant answers. He was upset obviously, and he said that he is hurt because he never felt like I liked him like he like me. So he knew, but he never expressed his insecurities.

I don't love myself. I don't think I am beautiful or cute like he used to tell me I was. I don't think I am smart and witty like he thought I was. I am not this godly figure he made me feel like. The affection he showed me sometime confused me because of my low self-esteem.

I still think I did the right thing, but I feel empty. It's probably a temporary emptiness I feel because I don't hear from him anymore. I felt like I needed to check on him because he disappeared after the conversation last night. He hasn't responded. I feel horrible, but relieved, and a bit hurt even though I probably don't deserve feeling hurt. I think this is fair for him though since I can't see myself being with him long-term and he deserves better.

I don't know why I wrote a post here. I think I just wanted to let things out. I wasn't very proud of dating him so not many people know about us and this situation. While writing this post though, for the first time today, I am wondering if I messed up what could have been so good.

I would love some feedback. Thank you.

Are you the problem or is he the problem?

You started dating someone who was younger than you... what did you expect? You call your self immature and turn around and said you were being a parent.

You found someone who loves you unconditionally, treats you right, is a good guy..no great guy, caring and had a bad start as a child as you noted his parents gave him bad advice.

So is the problem him or you? Would you prefer a man who didn't treat you as such? that didn't say you are beautiful, that doesn't think you are smart. You talk about you not being happy with him.. so if you don't love your self what man is going to make you feel happy?

this is why I tell men and women do not date someone with low self esteem. This is why systemically men are treating women like crap now.. because a person with low self esteem only feels good in a relationship when they are looking up to someone... because they have to feed off their esteem or they have to chase for their approval or valuation. Many poster think only a fraction of women are like this... I will say many are such as the demands for women to be X beautiful and successful is being pressured towards the new generation more and more.

I wasn't very proud of dating him

again stop shifting the blame.. You reap what you sow. Stop dating young guys if you are looking for maturity.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Sweetfish

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