Emotional Retrogression to earlier stages of Breakup almost 6 months later

[eXistential]

Hello again, Loveshackers!

 

This forum helped me a lot during the first months after my breakup, to gain understanding about breakups to see ideas, experiences etc..

 

 

I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 years, she seemed really attached to me during the most of the relationship, I thought I was going to marry her. I was going to propose to her just a month before she broke up with me.. She never gave me a reason for the breakup.

 

Following the breakup I was devastated. I never felt such emotional pain before, even when someone close to me died some time ago.

 

For three months I was like a zombie, I have lost 13 kilos, I failed at my job many times and generally I was the mess that I never thought I could ever be.

 

During the first two months the strongest feeling was HOPE, hoping that she is going to come back and totally denying the reality. I was on forums like this reading reconciliation stories, watching videos of "how to get your ex back" "experts" etc. I was not able to believe that she just so easily threw away all these things we had..

 

During the 3rd month, I was depressed. It felt as if I was dying from an incurable disease or something.. no motivation, hopelessness, peak of loneliness and all of these "good feelings"..

 

During the 4th month, things started to change really fast. I was moving on, or that was what I thought. I was feeling better and better, day by day exponentially. I was able to work, I was feeling more encouraged about me, I was going out with friends and I was really angry towards my ex for the way she behaved (she has disappeared as if I never existed in her life). I never acted on that anger, although I wanted to. I was also missing her, sometimes badly during that month but to a point where I was no way the mess that I was before.

 

During the 5th month, I was talking to other women, I even went on three dates and I was feeling much better. Even better than before the breakup. I was again happy. During that month, I was missing my ex but not to the point of wanting to contact her, I was almost indifferent and I accepted her decission. "If she wanted it, it means that she is going to be more happy without me, so be it", was my thinking. I also have accepted the fact that I was going to have a life in the future, with or without her, and that I can be happy in that life.

 

Then suddenly and out of nowhere during the 6th month, I woke up one day a week ago (from today), and it hit me like a ton of bricks again (hence my avatar, lol). All these emotions that I had during the first months came back. I miss her badly, I want to contact her, I am curious of what she is up to, if I will ever see her again, and generally once again I am a mess. I am having nightmares about her etc. I am feeling anxious and I am addicted to hope and denial once again, hence I am on these forums again.

 

I am really a step away from contacting her, although I know it is probably not a good idea..

 

I don't know what caused that... So I am sharing this in order to see your ideas and experiences on that.

Edited July 3, 2017 by eXistential

[preraph]

I bet something triggered that. Just an association or a birthday or holiday or a song. I mean, that's going to happen sometimes.

 

I'm glad you finally decided to accept that for whatever reason, she felt you two were not right for each other. It takes two to be right for each other, so you do just have to accept that she knew something you didn't. Maybe you missed some signs or hints about what wasn't going right. Women aren't often very direct (I am one -- most of us want to not hurt someone by being too direct and it gets us in all kinds of trouble). Maybe she was afraid to get in a confrontation or maybe she just knew she couldn't handle it emotionally, that the only way to get out was to just get out and not talk about it much.

 

There is rarely the closure that people want in breakups, but one thing I have learned is be careful what you want because if you go after closure and make them tell the truth, it may hurt worse than them just talking away to hear it.

 

You're going to be okay. It's only 6 months. Everyone is different how long it takes, and there will likely always be a little emotion once in awhile because this is a stepping stone in your history now. You can't expect to just be numb about it. But keep going out and doing fun things to distract yourself and stimulate yourself. Live life. She's just one little bitty person on this big planet. It just takes some time. Good luck.

[eXistential]

I bet something triggered that. Just an association or a birthday or holiday or a song. I mean, that's going to happen sometimes.

 

I'm glad you finally decided to accept that for whatever reason, she felt you two were not right for each other. It takes two to be right for each other, so you do just have to accept that she knew something you didn't. Maybe you missed some signs or hints about what wasn't going right. Women aren't often very direct (I am one -- most of us want to not hurt someone by being too direct and it gets us in all kinds of trouble). Maybe she was afraid to get in a confrontation or maybe she just knew she couldn't handle it emotionally, that the only way to get out was to just get out and not talk about it much.

 

There is rarely the closure that people want in breakups, but one thing I have learned is be careful what you want because if you go after closure and make them tell the truth, it may hurt worse than them just talking away to hear it.

 

You're going to be okay. It's only 6 months. Everyone is different how long it takes, and there will likely always be a little emotion once in awhile because this is a stepping stone in your history now. You can't expect to just be numb about it. But keep going out and doing fun things to distract yourself and stimulate yourself. Live life. She's just one little bitty person on this big planet. It just takes some time. Good luck.

 

Thanks for the support!