Why does everyone think the wife has it so good

[K.K.]

I read this forum all the time. All of the stories seem the same or some version of the same. It seems so cut and dry what a lot of people think about the other woman/man. That they "deserve what they get." Etc...

 

Just wanted to ask a few questions.

 

• Are men really ONLY in it for sex? I mean come on. That can't be so. Couldn't it be possible that the man actually fell in love with the woman? Couldn't it be possible that they met someone, married them, loved them and then .. didn't love them anymore? Maybe it turned into a roommate thing. Maybe she was a ball busting control freak? Maybe the man (or woman but I'm using man scenario here) just met someone he liked better?? Maybe he fell in LOVE.

 

 

So then what would be the right way to move on to someone else? What would be considered the right way to 'break up a home'? Or is the man expected to just stay in a marriage with someone who he doesn't love anymore? What is the right way for two people to get together if one of them is married to actually have a relationship with someone else without being labeled an *******?

 

Are they doomed to be with the one woman they married because they married her? Do feelings not change? Are you pegged for life. What is the RIGHT way to get out.

 

• Why does everyone say that the wife calls the shots and has the man and will continue to have the man while the affair partner has nothing. Seems to me if I was married and my husband was cheating on me, I'd be the one feeling 'less than'. Maybe he stays because of kids or guilt or bills or money. How does that mean that the wife is so special. Just means she has his balls in a vice doesn't it?

 

• Why is it a crime to have fallen out of love with someone and in love with someone else.

 

• Why does the other woman (man) get all the blame when they weren't the ones making any vows to anyone.

 

• Do people really "own" another person because they have a piece of paper?

 

• Why do you think more people don't stay single so they can do whatever and whoever they want?

 

What if you can't walk away. What if you are both insanely in love. Is it real? It is never real in this case?

 

Seems to me the wife is just as screwed as the other woman. He chooses to love, have sex with, fantasize about, dream of, share part of his life with the other woman (or damnit .. man) so how is the wife winning anything in this case? How is she faring any better than the other woman?

Edited July 3, 2017 by K.K.
Spelling

[sandylee1]

There are no winners in affairs.

 

Nobody is held hostage in a marriage or relationship.

 

The only person who has it good in an affair is the cheater.

 

They have a spouse at home and someone to have purely ego stroking good times with.

 

They get to have sex with two people and one of those two is fully aware of the situation. That 'other' often tries so hard to be the best sexually and in other ways, in hopes the MM will leave.

[lostgirl87]

The wife of a cheater doesn't have it good at all. I mean, if you have to tell your own husband's girlfriend/mistress/ whatever you want to call her, to not speak to your husband even if he reaches out, your life sucks.

 

I certainly wouldn't want a man who for most of my marriage was dating someone else and in love with her. My MM's wife told him she wanted a divorce when she first found out. When he accepted and was no longer hiding the fact that he was seeing and talking to me, she decided she didn't want to divorce and asked him to give the marriage a chance. That she would change and she knows she messed up. My MM claims that because he is already married to her, he owes her this chance. Sure he has love for her and he cares for her, id be scared if he didn't. But to have to tolerate what she has to tolerate just to keep her husband and not be alone sounds a million times worse than being a mistress who gets to go her own way and not deal with the fact that at one point, her partner wanted and preferred someone else over her.

 

At least in my case, my MM was caught several times still talking to me and she's still there. She'd yell and get mad but what can she do? I almost feel bad for her but at the same time I don't b/c she has the facts. She know that we fell in love and he was ready to be with me until she cried and begged for another chance.

 

At least I got rid of a man who can't make up his mind on his own and can go on to find a man who will only choose me. In this situation, I definitely win. She gets a man who stayed with her out of guilt and obligation and thinks of me constantly.

Edited July 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[K.K.]

Yep lostgirl, and you know that when her victory dance of supposedly 'winning' him wears off, her resentment and hatred of him is going to make his life a living hell. He'll look for you then and you'll be long gone. I'm not sure why most of these guys seem to be cowards. But they do and they are. Can't think for themselves, can't make decisions for themselves. He probably thought that he wouldn't have to decide anything if she caught you. But she did catch you and like most of them do, decided to keep him. Probably not because she wanted him. But just to 'win'. What a prize...

 

someone who's in love with another.

[K.K.]

You're right sandy lee. I guess the cheater does have it good for awhile. I don't think though that anybody sets out to hurt people. I just think feelings come into play. I don't think they'd do it strictly for sex. I think it becomes a huge mind consuming part of life that sometimes you just can't shake. I do think someone can fall in love with another that is not their spouse.

 

I put this thread in the wrong forum. Just realized that.

[K.K.]

When people say "he's going home to his wife while you're alone and pining over him". It's almost like they are saying you're nothing. But I mean let's face it. It's not like he's probably going home and ravishing his wife with kisses and oral. If he was so in love with her, he would NOT be cheating.

 

Sure he might love his wife. But it's that family kind of love. That's why it's probably so hard for people to give that up. It's home. It's her and him kicked back talking about whatever, eating dinner, it's a comfort. Like going home to your parents house. You let it all hang out with them and it's comforting sure. But I don't think it's that passionate love they feel with the other woman.

 

That's probably why people can't choose. Because it's hard to give up family love for an uncertain future. I think it's pretty hard to have both if you've been married for long. Too many mornings with the bathroom door open probably kills that sh*t.

 

Of course I could be wrong. What do I know.

[QuestioningSoul]

i haven't met a person yet who thinks the betrayed spouse "has it so good".

 

Every relationship has its own story. Yeah, there are tons of similarities, but each one is unique. There is no doubt that some committed people fall out of love with their spouses. Happens daily. In the event that happens there are only a couple options:

1. You divorce in an honest and truthful manner.

2. If you can't divorce for whatever reason, if that reason is valid enough that you refuse to divorce, then you find a way to live within the marriage. You cannot have a partner say "I can't divorce because of money, health, kids, religion (whatever excuse is available) so instead of actually living my vows that I no longer want to live, I'll stay married and have another relationship outside of this marriage, without telling my spouse."

 

It isn't fair to anyone. Not the BS, not the APs... not the kids or the finances or the religion. It's fair to no one. If you absolutely can't divorce, then stay married honestly. I bet if truly unhappy men and women tried to live honestly within a marriage they really aren't happy within, you'd see those reasons they won't divorce dwindle. They would find a way out.

 

When I found out about my WHs infidelity, I sure as hell didn't have his balls in a vice. I had a gun in my mouth. Then I got strong. That man is no prize. In fact, a part of me wished to God that he would have ended up with either OW. He would have seen real quick that their dysfunctional nature that allowed an affair to begin with was nothing he wanted full time. I have a feeling it's that way with many APs.

 

So why did I stay with a man who's no prize? Two reasons- my children. They already lost their biological father to suicide when they were very young, and to see their heartbreak over losing another "father" devestated me. It broke my heart into a million pieces to hear my son cry. He's 16 and taller than me, stronger than me, and all I could see is the little boy at the funeral for his father all over again. I cried daily for them and the fact that i allowed such selfish people into their lives. People who don't care about what anyone but themselves feels or wants.

 

So here I am. I am choosing not to divorce right now because of my children. The same reason many APs say they can't divorce. There's a difference for me though. If I find that I cannot continue this marriage, I will leave him and I will seek the best possible help for myself and my kids to transition it. I WON'T find another person outside of my marriage to tell my woes to and ask them to save me or sleep with me or love me or make me feel better. Maybe someday I will, but it will be as a divorced woman.

 

So to answer your questions:

1. Some men are only in it for sex. It depends on the man. In my case, he was bored at work, unhappy with himself, and instead of figuring out how he could "fix" himself, he busied himself with distractions so he didn't have to do the hard work of introspection or growth. Believe me, the fallout from all of this has changed that. It's a shame people can't grow until they are faced with the fall out from their crappy decisions.

 

2. The right way to leave is honestly. You leave any relationship with honesty and integrity and it hurts and then people learn how to move on. It's life. Life is unfair, but people recover.

 

3. APs get the blame they deserve. I've said it before, if you get an invite into someone else's marriage, decline. If they love you, they'll find their way out of their marriage to be with you. Bottom line. Most don't want to leave their marriages, they just want more.....

 

4. No one owns anyone, however, marriage vows were taken. That's still supposed to mean something.

 

5. Believe me, if I had a crystal ball, I would have remained single and did whatever I want. But I fooled around and fell in love with a man child. I wish I'd have known.

 

But the bottom line is no one on any side of an affair wins. it all seems pretty pointless to me. What has anyone "won"?

[K.K.]

I meant "has it so good" as in how the other woman gets it thrown in her face how he's going home to his wife, like the other woman is nothing. She's obviously something enough for him to want to be with her when he can.

 

I just realized that sounds selfish as all hell.

 

It's feelings. Feelings come into play. People get hurt. We all get hurt. I'm sorry for your pain, questioningsoul. I truly am.

 

It's a rough way of life and I guess it depends on which side of the coin you're on in how you see it all. It's mostly pain all the way around.

 

So if he loves the other woman, he should file for divorce before continuing a relationship with her and move out and be on his own for a year that it takes to divorce? See cheating will always come first though. Because who is is going to leave his marriage if he doesn't even know if he's compatible (sexually or otherwise) with the other woman.

 

Wouldn't you (or any bs) still hate him anyway? It's not like he's going to leave if he has nobody to run to. Men hate to be alone.

[K.K.]

Hmmm just thinking.. If it's all about pain levels. When do you put someone else's pain before your own? Usually by the time the other woman figures out she should've walked away at the first hello, it's too late. She's madly in love with him. Crazy sickeningly madly in love. So she either A) thinks of the wife's pain ( someone she doesn't even know) and decides to spare her of it by walking away while she spirals into the hell of withdrawal from the man that she loves and can't understand why he can't be hers if there is so much love.

 

Or B) She rides the roller coaster of passion and bliss for as long as she can so that she doesn't have to feel the pain.

 

How many would honestly choose A. ?

 

It's all about the sides of the coin. Either one of us could end up in the other's position one day. Nobody knows how they would actually react if in the other position.

[purplesorrow]

Hmmm just thinking.. If it's all about pain levels. When do you put someone else's pain before your own? Usually by the time the other woman figures out she should've walked away at the first hello, it's too late. She's madly in love with him. Crazy sickeningly madly in love. So she either A) thinks of the wife's pain ( someone she doesn't even know) and decides to spare her of it by walking away while she spirals into the hell of withdrawal from the man that she loves and can't understand why he can't be hers if there is so much love.

 

Or B) She rides the roller coaster of passion and bliss for as long as she can so that she doesn't have to feel the pain.

 

How many would honestly choose A. ?

 

It's all about the sides of the coin. Either one of us could end up in the other's position one day. Nobody knows how they would actually react if in the other position.

They both chose the betrayed's pain when they started the affair. Any living breathing adult knows cheating causes pain. If a person is unhappy in their marriage they should leave before cheating. One shouldn't leave a marriage for another person. I didn't expect the ow to think of me, that was my ex's job. In return, I don't think much of her, whatever pain she experienced, she earned.

[wmacbride]

In some really striking ways, a bs and an ow/om are opposite sides of the same coin. They are both being deceived, oftentimes both are hurting and the A can throw both for a real loop.

 

It also creates an adversarial position for the spouse and the "other", and for some ws, ( not all) I think that is just what they want. Two people fighting over them.... how flattering

 

One thing that may surprise a lot of ow/om, and it's easy to understand why, is an awful lot of bs never do the "pick me" dance, beg their ws to stay, etc. I know I sure didn't. Why in the eff would I ever want to be with a man who didn't want to be with me? Besides, if I loved him enough to do that in the first place, wouldn't I love him enough to let him go and be with someone else, if that is what he wanted?

 

What's the point of any sort of "pick me" crap anyway? Instead, while he was away, I saw a lawyer. I wasn't thinking automatically divorce, but I wanted to know what all my options were, not just for me, but for him and our kids as well.

 

In the end, we were able to work through everything, and I hope that his ow will too. I had finally had enough of aggravating behavior that I told her new husband. I explained the A was over long ago ( about ten years now) and I was worried she was having trouble moving forward and aksed if he could help her.

 

Haven't heard a peep since. I hope she finds peace, as it sounds like she had a hard go of things as a kid, and I really hope she will finally get some help.

[wmacbride]

 

 

Either one of us could end up in the other's position one day. Nobody knows how they would actually react if in the other position.

 

That's not always true. Some of us wouldn't. I'm not being smug or saying I'm better, I'm just saying I'm not built that way. It's just as much a part of my makeup as blonde hair or a weird crook in my pinky.

[whichwayisup]

• Are men really ONLY in it for sex? I mean come on. That can't be so. Couldn't it be possible that the man actually fell in love with the woman? Couldn't it be possible that they met someone, married them, loved them and then .. didn't love them anymore? Maybe it turned into a roommate thing. Maybe she was a ball busting control freak? Maybe the man (or woman but I'm using man scenario here) just met someone he liked better?? Maybe he fell in LOVE.

 

If that is the case, then why not divorce? People divorce all the time and manage fine afterwards. If you think about it, if a MM totally fell in love with his OW, wouldn't he want to be with her all the time? Not hurt her and lie to her? Lead her on? Why just have an affair? If one person wants out of a marriage there's nothing stopping them from leaving except themselves.

 

Some men are just in it for the sex. Sure they may feel emotions, even feelings of love but they may just not be as invested as the OW and are able to detach quickly.

[Scoutjr]

Because she has him and i am nothing.

[lostgirl87]

If that is the case, then why not divorce? People divorce all the time and manage fine afterwards. If you think about it, if a MM totally fell in love with his OW, wouldn't he want to be with her all the time? Not hurt her and lie to her? Lead her on? Why just have an affair? If one person wants out of a marriage there's nothing stopping them from leaving except themselves.

 

Some men are just in it for the sex. Sure they may feel emotions, even feelings of love but they may just not be as invested as the OW and are able to detach quickly.

I think it's possible that a MM falls in love with his OW and it's not love that keeps him from being with her; it's security.

 

He knows what he has with his wife. cheating is probably one of the worst things a spouse can do to another so if a spouse is willing to stay after that, that's some damn good security. a lot of the time, it's also what keeps a BS from leaving. A fear of the unknown can definitely keep people together. with that kind of security and comfort, sometimes love isn't enough to leave.

[BluEyeL]

A few things:

 

- If a man's marriage isn't working the ethical thing to do is to divorce his wife not run to some other woman and tell lies to both sides.

- If a man is truly in love with the other woman, he'd do anything to be with her. If he doesn't, he doesn't really love her despite what he says.

- If the wife is married to a guy who is a cheater, the other woman is nothing because if it wasn't this woman, it would have been another.

- If a guy returns to the wife, she doesn't have it good. Cheating is a breach of trust, no matter of circumstances. Marriage is a contract based on trust. When that was broken, she cannot have it "good". He will cheat again most likely, sooner or later.

- The other woman shouldn't get the blame. In fact, like I said, she doesn't matter. However, anyone who knowingly gets into a relationship with a married guy is not someone worthy of (my) respect. She's either too stupid, or too stupid. But it's not her fault, yeah....

[whichwayisup]

I think it's possible that a MM falls in love with his OW and it's not love that keeps him from being with her; it's security.

 

He knows what he has with his wife. cheating is probably one of the worst things a spouse can do to another so if a spouse is willing to stay after that, that's some damn good security. a lot of the time, it's also what keeps a BS from leaving. A fear of the unknown can definitely keep people together. with that kind of security and comfort, sometimes love isn't enough to leave.

 

I agree with this. And some people just aren't strong enough to make it on their own for various reasons. Whether it be fear of being alone after so many years of marriage or money, or kids. Whatever the reasons are, are valid enough to them.

[Minnie09]

IF the bw never found out, she may have it "good" (on a superficial level), if she does find out, probably not so much. My mms BS has not found out - so in her mind, she's happily married, and yes - compared to me - emotionally, she probably has it "better". But that's what I signed up for, and based on the R MM and I have, I'm accepting this, because he loves me.

[whichwayisup]

IF the bw never found out, she may have it "good" (on a superficial level), if she does find out, probably not so much. My mms BS has not found out - so in her mind, she's happily married, and yes - compared to me - emotionally, she probably has it "better". But that's what I signed up for, and based on the R MM and I have, I'm accepting this, because he loves me.

 

But not enough to divorce his wife and be with you full time. If you told him 'Im going to call your wife and tell her everything so we can finally be together' what do you think would happen? How would he react? Be honest with yourself.

 

He just may be happy enough to stay married and have you on the side to fulfill his needs that aren't being met at home. Most affairs are like this and 9/10 it's the OW/OM who eventually get badly hurt and have the door shut in their face once a DDAY happens.

[Minnie09]

But not enough to divorce his wife and be with you full time. If you told him 'Im going to call your wife and tell her everything so we can finally be together' what do you think would happen? How would he react? Be honest with yourself.

 

He just may be happy enough to stay married and have you on the side to fulfill his needs that aren't being met at home. Most affairs are like this and 9/10 it's the OW/OM who eventually get badly hurt and have the door shut in their face once a DDAY happens.

 

I know this but that's not the point of this thread. What I'm saying is that I'm sure she's content because she doesn't know.....and if she knew, she'd be less content, or even unhappy.

 

I would never call her. That's just not my place. I'm appreciating things as they are, and I'm aware of the fact that that might be hard to accept by some posters.

[sandylee1]

I think when they say the wife has it good, it means she isn't the 'dirty little secret'.

 

So many OW convince themselves MM is so in love with them.

 

I have to ask, when they have no kids and no property, the only reason he stays is because he wants to.

 

Why OW believe a MM lying to his wife can't possibly be lying to her really beats me.

 

The "I feel sorry for her because he loves me", is convincing yourself you were that special. It's a cross between self preservation and delusion IMO.

 

Like I said, there are no winners... Even the cheater getting an ego boost and attention of the OW, feels like a fraud when he's caught out.

 

He goes begging his wife and tells her OW meant nothing.

 

"she was there"

"she was easy"

"she meant nothing"

 

That's what the OW doesn't hear and the lucky wife hears it, but doesn't believe it.

[lostgirl87]

But not enough to divorce his wife and be with you full time. If you told him 'Im going to call your wife and tell her everything so we can finally be together' what do you think would happen? How would he react? Be honest with yourself.

 

He just may be happy enough to stay married and have you on the side to fulfill his needs that aren't being met at home. Most affairs are like this and 9/10 it's the OW/OM who eventually get badly hurt and have the door shut in their face once a DDAY happens.

I just don't think my hurt compares to the hurt of a wife. Having to live with a man who chose another woman and was intimate (emotionally and physically) with someone else. If I had to choose, I would choose what I went through a million times over than what a BS experiences.

 

i for one find it way more hurtful to know that I wasn't enough for my husband and he had to go elsewhere to get what he wanted. That at one point he literally chose someone else over me. And in my MM's case, that he continued to speak to the OW even once the wife found out (I told her) and was still declaring love to me and wanting to leave her. Others may say it's more hurtful to be the OW b/c you don't get him full time. Neither role is a role that I envy. They both SUCK. But at least the OW gets out and is able to find a relationship that isn't damaged by lies and betrayal. the BS usually stays and her hurt is drawn out for months and sometimes years. She is constantly watching her husband, wondering what's really going on, questioning everything. Yes some people eventually recover but let's be real, most don't. Most don't go on to have "an even better marriage" than they ever experienced. An OW, as long as she's not a completely damaged person, recovers in a few months and the experience becomes just another "relationship" that didn't work out. Her future relationship won't be marred by infidelity. Again, as long as she has learned her lesson and sticks to single men.

[purplesorrow]

I just don't think my hurt compares to the hurt of a wife. Having to live with a man who chose another woman and was intimate (emotionally and physically) with someone else. If I had to choose, I would choose what I went through a million times over than what a BS experiences.

 

i for one find it way more hurtful to know that I wasn't enough for my husband and he had to go elsewhere to get what he wanted. That at one point he literally chose someone else over me. And in my MM's case, that he continued to speak to the OW even once the wife found out (I told her) and was still declaring love to me and wanting to leave her. Others may say it's more hurtful to be the OW b/c you don't get him full time. Neither role is a role that I envy. They both SUCK. But at least the OW gets out and is able to find a relationship that isn't damaged by lies and betrayal. the BS usually stays and her hurt is drawn out for months and sometimes years. She is constantly watching her husband, wondering what's really going on, questioning everything. Yes some people eventually recover but let's be real, most don't. Most don't go on to have "an even better marriage" than they ever experienced. An OW, as long as she's not a completely damaged person, recovers in a few months and the experience becomes just another "relationship" that didn't work out. Her future relationship won't be marred by infidelity. Again, as long as she has learned her lesson and sticks to single men.

 

If he chose you over her, why is he still married to her?

[lostgirl87]

If he chose you over her, why is he still married to her?

I actually said "AT ONE POINT" chose someone else, as in when the affair was still happening. When he was picking fights with her or lying to her to get out of the house b/c I demanded to see him or I needed him. When she knew about the affair and he continued to speak to me and would find ways to see me regardless of what she was feeling.

 

And he's still married to her for several reasons: security, guilt, he cares for her, he has love for her, they have a history, families intertwined, etc.. Does he still call or send me "I love you"s talking about how unhappy he is and how much he's missing me? Yes. My response? "Figure yourself out and if you decide to man up and divorce, then you can call". She even called me and asked me to not speak to her husband if he reaches out. I don't know why either of them are still with the other.

 

Call me crazy but that doesn't sound like a husband I want.

Edited July 4, 2017 by lostgirl87

[AlwaysGrowing]

I just don't think my hurt compares to the hurt of a wife. Having to live with a man who chose another woman and was intimate (emotionally and physically) with someone else. If I had to choose, I would choose what I went through a million times over than what a BS experiences.

 

i for one find it way more hurtful to know that I wasn't enough for my husband and he had to go elsewhere to get what he wanted. That at one point he literally chose someone else over me. And in my MM's case, that he continued to speak to the OW even once the wife found out (I told her) and was still declaring love to me and wanting to leave her. Others may say it's more hurtful to be the OW b/c you don't get him full time. Neither role is a role that I envy. They both SUCK. But at least the OW gets out and is able to find a relationship that isn't damaged by lies and betrayal. the BS usually stays and her hurt is drawn out for months and sometimes years. She is constantly watching her husband, wondering what's really going on, questioning everything. Yes some people eventually recover but let's be real, most don't. Most don't go on to have "an even better marriage" than they ever experienced. An OW, as long as she's not a completely damaged person, recovers in a few months and the experience becomes just another "relationship" that didn't work out. Her future relationship won't be marred by infidelity. Again, as long as she has learned her lesson and sticks to single men.

 

 

An affair doesnt say one damn thing about a BS. It doesnt speak to the BS integrity, attractiveness,character, morals...nothing at all.

 

An affair highlights quite a bit about the WS and the AP.

 

A persons sense of self (esteem,worth) should never be anchored to the whims of another. Not all women feel that "they are not enough" due to their spouses infidelity, nor should they. It isnt healthy. Again, an affair doesnt say one thing about the betrayed partner.

 

Yes, there are folks who would rather be yielding the knife than be the one with the knife in their back. Those that prefer to have the knife are the ones that other folks make character judgements on....because they are the ones that had actions to judge them on.

 

For many FWS/FAP the greatest "lesson they learned" is to never sell out their Self Respect/Integrity because the internal view of self being a good person was severely discredited by themselves to themselves. And aint nobody worth that.