Need .. I'm so bad at casual dating

[JLe]

Before seeing my current guy, the only relationship I've ever been in was a 5 year relationship that started in senior year of high school, so I don't really have much experience with dating.

 

The guy that I'm seeing now, we've been "dating" for almost two months. We knew each other for months before this but it was only recently that he finally confessed he has liked me for awhile. When we are on dates, he's super attentive (never look at his phone, great eye contact), he opens doors for me/always let me go first, he holds my hands, hugs me, gives me kisses on the forehead and such in public. We actually didn't have our first kiss until the 4th date.

 

Everything sounds good, right? Well, the problem is that when we are not together, he can go 3-4 days without talking to me. We see each other only once a week. He never calls me, and when he does text me, it would only be to confirm plans for the following week. SOMETIMES, he would text me just to say hi but he is so boring over texts that even if I wanted to talk, there'd be no point. Even after our dates, he never texts me, not even the next day. Whenever he drops me off, he'd hug/kiss me goodnight and get into his car and drive off, he doesn't even wait for me to get in the house safely (I know this sounds odd of me, but growing up it's just what I'm used to; you wait for that person to get in the house before you leave them, you know?)

 

So on our last date, it ended up with us making out on his bed. We were close to having sex but I decided not to because I didn't want our first time sleeping together to be while we were both drunk. He seemed totally fine with it as we spent the rest of the night just cuddling and making out some more before he drove me home. Same thing happened. He doesn't text me, and it has been 4 days. I tried to text him and asked how his weekend was and he responded but again, he didn't seem into having a conversation over the phone. And so far we have no plans to see each other this week.

 

I'm trying not to obsess over it too much but I can't help but to feel maybe he's just not that interested in me or that most likely he's also seeing other women? I know it's completely normal to still see other people in the early stages of dating but it still makes me feel bad. What should I do.. cut him off my for sanity and find someone into me enough to communicate more, or just wait and see where this goes? He's also quite much older than I am so I feel like maybe that's why he's so much more "relax" about this than I am. Any thoughts?

[coolheadal]

Nope this is not good, you know it! Your not really dating it's just quick once a week hookups. He doesn't call you right back he doesn't talk to you for days. What does that tell you. Time to find someone else. I had wrote some prior but it got deleted by accident. This is short version of it. You need a man that will treat you like you are special to him. That's it this what your going through is nonsense.. Frankly I don't now how you put up with this jerk for such a long time. Do not bother calling him up and move on you can find a real gentleman who treats 100% better and can like you, enough to call and text you back before and after dates. Say I really had fun xxxx things like that. Your not even getting that. This what your going through will damage you for the next guy so my advise is to get out now why you still can. No woman should ever be treated like this no way! You shouldn't even consider him as a man to treat you like this! Come on now! Wake Up! The nightmare is over!

[Sara1989]

You know what you want in an potential relationship and this guy is not meeting the mark, you definitely did the right thing in not sleeping with him as the no contact would driven you even more crazy.

 

Firstly you should tell him you want more contact, if he refuses to step up or freaks out over it then you got the answer you need. You can carry on as you are, maybe he will step on his own or maybe he is not emotionally invested so when you do have sex...he will start to fade.

 

Also the fact he only wants see you once a week after two months is another sign he is meh about you.

[rushed]

He doesn't sound so bad to me. He's attentive and treats you with respect when you're together, and he makes plans to see you again, so I would say he's into you (of course at what level still remains to be determined). It just sounds like he's not that much into texting. Would you say he's more of an introvert? I know I would have been perfectly fine going a few days without hearing from my now boyfriend when we were first dating. Same with only seeing each other only once a week. Shoot, I was surprised when he actually wanted to go out more than once a week lol.

 

I get what you're saying about driving off without even making sure you've reached the doorstep yet. I do that with my girl friends, make sure that they've even opened the door to their house, before waving and driving off. It's just a level of protectiveness. Unfortunately not everyone has that. I'd joke about it with your guy, laugh and smile and say, "If you can't even walk me to the door, the least you can do is wait until I've made it to the door before burning rubber out of here."

 

At the end of the day, it's all about what you think you can and can't put up with. He's sounds like a decent guy for the most part, so I'd wouldn't call it quits just yet.

[JLe]

How can I tell him I'd like more frequent contact when we're apart without sounding needy?

 

We see each other only once a week mainly because of our work schedules. He's free on weekends but I work all day on weekends, so we usually see each other on a weekday when we both get off work early. The thing is, I'm just annoyed that he doesn't take the time out to talk to me when he's free the whole weekend. It makes me think I'm never on his mind, you know? I also can move my shifts around so we can see each other more but I don't know how to bring it up with him casually that I'd love to see him more often. I'm still unsure on whether or not he's seeing other women and even how he really feels about me so I don't know if I should let him know how I feel about him so soon.

 

Oh and he's the complete opposite from an introvert. He has a ton of friends, goes out every weekend, he has no problem whatsoever chatting up a complete stranger.

[fred123]

Hes not that into u. Watch how the next girl he is into hel be doing a lot more effort with her.

 

Does he invite you to see his frriends? Do u? Hel probs say no.

 

Ur just casual fun hook up evem tho u dont have sex even. He likes the company and is bored.

 

Move on. Thread closed!!!

[smackie9]

Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated.....I totally get it, I wouldn't put up with it. He isn't fulfilling your expectations, so it's time to kick this one to the curb.

[d0nnivain]

How can I tell him I'd like more frequent contact when we're apart without sounding needy?

 

We see each other only once a week mainly because of our work schedules. He's free on weekends but I work all day on weekends, so we usually see each other on a weekday when we both get off work early. The thing is, I'm just annoyed that he doesn't take the time out to talk to me when he's free the whole weekend. It makes me think I'm never on his mind, you know? I also can move my shifts around so we can see each other more but I don't know how to bring it up with him casually that I'd love to see him more often. I'm still unsure on whether or not he's seeing other women and even how he really feels about me so I don't know if I should let him know how I feel about him so soon.

 

Oh and he's the complete opposite from an introvert. He has a ton of friends, goes out every weekend, he has no problem whatsoever chatting up a complete stranger.

 

It sounds like there are scheduling conflicts more than lack of desire.

 

Have you tried initiating more contact?

[BaileyB]

Be glad that you didn't sleep with him.

 

For me, I would want more contact and I'd need to be more sure of his intentions before sex. But, that's just me...

[OatsAndHall]

For me, not responding to messages in a relationship is a deal-breaker for me. I'm sorry, but no one is "too busy" to take thirty seconds out of their day and send a text.

 

I had been dating a woman for about a month recently who did the same thing and I ended up calling it off with her. I could go days without hearing from her and wasn't very receptive when I talked to her about it. I decided to end it when I shot her a "good morning' text one morning and asked her how her shoulder was feeling as she's been having problems with it. I didn't hear back from her for six days.

[JLe]

He always replies to my texts, the problems are that 1) he doesn't initiate texting enough, only when he wants to make plans and 2) if he does text for another reason other than making plans, he usually seems like he's not into it because he's not really making any conversation.

 

So he ends up asking me out to dinner tomorrow night. How can I bring up the topic of what are his intentions/where does he see this going without possibly ruining the mood for the night? I'm prepared to completely stop seeing him if he says he's also dating women or that he doesn't want a relationship, but I don't want to end the night with the impression of me being needy/clingy by asking him that.

[fred123]

He always replies to my texts, the problems are that 1) he doesn't initiate texting enough, only when he wants to make plans and 2) if he does text for another reason other than making plans, he usually seems like he's not into it because he's not really making any conversation.

 

So he ends up asking me out to dinner tomorrow night. How can I bring up the topic of what are his intentions/where does he see this going without possibly ruining the mood for the night? I'm prepared to completely stop seeing him if he says he's also dating women or that he doesn't want a relationship, but I don't want to end the night with the impression of me being needy/clingy by asking him that.

 

Why stop dating him.if he is seeing other women? Are u exclusive? If not he is allowed to

[d0nnivain]

He always replies to my texts, the problems are that 1) he doesn't initiate texting enough, only when he wants to make plans and 2) if he does text for another reason other than making plans, he usually seems like he's not into it because he's not really making any conversation.

 

So he ends up asking me out to dinner tomorrow night. How can I bring up the topic of what are his intentions/where does he see this going without possibly ruining the mood for the night? I'm prepared to completely stop seeing him if he says he's also dating women or that he doesn't want a relationship, but I don't want to end the night with the impression of me being needy/clingy by asking him that.

 

He's not a texter. He may hate that form of communication. I do. If someone tries to engage me through text, I'll pick up the phone but in text you get 1 word, 1 sentence answers. The fact that when he reaches out it's to see you in person is a good thing, better than good. He's not into wasting time. He wants to see you. The fact that you want to & have time to fritter away on all day texts may not fit into his life.

 

Have dinner. Start the conversation from a positive place. Assure him that you like him & enjoy his company. Take ownership of the way you feel & what you need. Expressing a preference is not needy or clingy. Begging for attention is.

 

You have to adapt this to your own words & style but I'd say something like:

 

I have enjoyed getting to know you but I find myself at loose ends. I'

m

good with where we are but some things bother me. It's just my way but you do need to know. I don't want to chase you all over the planet, especially if that's not what you want, but I find myself wishing you would contact me more. It's my issue but I feel like I'

m

outta sight, outta mind.

 

Gage his reaction. Then segway into

 

I know we have tough schedules but I find myself wanting to spend more then one date per week with you. Do you have any ideas how we could squeeze two dates in?

 

After dinner go for a walk, assuming the other conversations went well. I'm serious. Take his hand. Yes, you initiate. As you are walking under cover of darkness, stealing sideways glances at him, broach the exclusivity thing:

 

We probably should have talked about this before we had sex, but are you seeing anybody else?

 

Your next move is obviously a function of his answer. I would give him the option to give up the other women for you if you like him enough. Otherwise since you said it's your preference, kiss him good bye on the cheek & leave.