GF is physically cold but talks about common future

[jhigg]

My [29] GF [27] of 9 months is very dismissing and cold towards me physically but keeps talking about moving in, getting married, having children etc.

 

Really don't want to make this too long on here are the main points:

 

- When we got together it didn't feel like a romance. She pretty much explained that she needs time to get to know me and that I'm a great and reliable guy but just isn't attracted to yet but definitely want to be with me

- We had sex for the first timer after 4 months (not that I didn't make a move - she just wasn't into it)

- We had sex a total of 4 times in 9 months, all 1+ month between each other

- Sex usually lasts 5 minutes, after which she stops me and just goes to sleep

- She does absolutely nothing whatsoever herself, like at all (like literally nothing at all)

- Is not bothered in the slightest that we don't have sex

- It's not possible to talk with her any sexual related stuff, like teasing etc. she always stops me with "what??? what's gotten into you??" or "you men always think about sex only"

 

Alright, so a bit of a background about the girl:

 

- is very extroverted, not shy in the slightest

- had multiple boyfriends, all with whom she had sex within max 24 hours

- had affairs with married men

- did all kinds of stuff with them without any inhibition (stuff you see in porn)

- dirty talk with them all the time and seemed to have enjoyed it a lot

 

* know the above from common friends, from what she told me and me once reading her old SMSes (yes, that's a bad thing to do, I know).

 

- Once she complained to me why men don't last long in bed. I asked how long usually did her previous BFs last. She said something like 30 minutes average, sometimes less, sometimes more. I asked if she thinks that's too short. She said it's definitely too short. I pointed out that when we have sex she always stops me after 5 minutes (I never finish)... it's a bit humiliating that you tell me now that others that were 30 min 1 hour were too short and you stop me after 5 min... she laughs it off as it's just some joke...

 

Yes, I did try talking about it. Does nothing. Usual reply is either making it look like a joke or guilt tripping me with stuff like "Ohh, come on, really?? You men only think of sex.."... "Now what's gotten into you all of the sudden??" etc. - all make me look like some kind of pervert who complains about sex and make me feel as if something's wrong with me.

 

I mean, I can't even make an innuendo, as inoffensive as even, "describe to me how are you dressed right now" etc. while talking on the phone because she immediately comes with the guilt tripping reply such as "WHAT??? what's wrong with you?!!!"

 

... while her standard and basic messages with her previous BFs are like "I want you to come over right now and stick your d*ck into my mouth until you c*m". etc.

 

Why this all is so strange:

 

She insists on us being together and is extremely clingy and even jealous. Just recently she was away on a weekend trip due to her work (legit) and was mentioning every single day for 2 weeks that she's afraid that I will do something while she's away.

 

Talks about getting married, wanting to have children etc.

 

So, lets get to the point:

 

1. Is she settling for me because I'm a "good and reliable guy"? (her words, the good and reliable I mean)

2. Do I have some mental illness and/or self-esteem issues since I put up with all this?

3. What to do?

 

Please don't be condescending and judging.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Are you wealthy?

[GunslingerRoland]

Are you wealthy?

 

Is she wealthy? Why does OP put up with this?

 

Don't try to figure it out, just move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

Does she want to move in with you? Does she work? What is her current living situation?

 

I ask because there is certainly something off with this whole scenario. Given how much she avoids any physical intimacy with you, I have to wonder if she's got an agenda here. Meaning, she wants the appearance of a nice home and stable family life but she's not actually all that into you.

 

Don't make any future plans with her yet. You first need to figure out what her real interests are.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is she wealthy? Why does OP put up with this?

 

Don't try to figure it out, just move on.

 

I agree he should move on, but trying to figure out why this woman is so about staying with a man she's clearly not attracted to. One possibility is that she's a gold digger.

[jhigg]

You first need to figure out what her real interests are.

 

Very hard to do.

 

I once confronted her about it. Flat out said that I feel that she only wants to be with me because she wants to settle and finally have a family and stability but is not attracted to me at all.

 

She reacted by making me feel guilty, behaving sad and hurt. Only spoken words were "how can you say something like that to me" (but nothing else at all - like saying that I'm wrong or etc.).

 

But that's pretty much all. It's very frustrating not being able to rationally discuss this topic (I guess because the only rational discussion would lead to her admitting that I'm right). It's basically not possible to have this conversation as I'm immediately shut down with emotional blackmail, as if I'm very inconsiderate and hurtful to even bring this up.

[CoolJoe]

Bro why are you still with her? Move on. This doesn't end well unless you dump her. Red flags galore

[jhigg]

I mean, if she would be naturally like that, a bit withdrawn and low sex drive it would 100% not bother me in the slightest and I would 100% understand and accept that.

 

But I know for a fact that she isn't. Like, not in the slightest, not even remotely.

 

So I feel cheated. Cheated as in, I'm the reliable boyfriend/husband that gets to give everything but receives only 10%, while random f*ckboys in the past (some even married) got 100%.

[jhigg]

Bro why are you still with her? Move on. This doesn't end well unless you dump her. Red flags galore

 

I really don't know.

 

That's why I'm saying maybe there's something wrong with me, lie self-esteem issues or something.

 

Like, rationally I 100% understand what's going on but I still can't break up. And it's not because of emotional attachment or something.

 

At the same time I definitely don't want to be with her anymore but can't bring myself to break up. It's a very strange feeling that I can't describe in words.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I really don't know.

 

That's why I'm saying maybe there's something wrong with me, lie self-esteem issues or something.

 

Like, rationally I 100% understand what's going on but I still can't break up. And it's not because of emotional attachment or something.

 

At the same time I definitely don't want to be with her anymore but can't bring myself to break up. It's a very strange feeling that I can't describe in words.

 

I think you're right. Self esteem issues. You deserve better though. I think this relationship is as good as its gonna get and it's not even good! She just isn't into you .

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see the point in continuing this relationship.

 

You don't feel appreciated and desired. It's only 9 months in; it's not likely to get better from here if it's already this bad.

[stillafool]

No she is not sexually attracted to you or desires you in a sexual way. You are good husband material unlike the guys she was sexually attracted to. This happens a lot with women. They know those guys would not make good husbands or good providers for their off springs so they settle with guys like you. The sex will be even less once you are married with kids. If I were you I would cut any strings with her and move on to a woman who desires you in all ways. That is what is going to make you happy in the end.

[d0nnivain]

What do you get out of this? Seriously. Where is the upside for you?

 

Sex isn't going to get better & her jealousy will probably get worse if you marry.

 

So why are you still in this relationship if it's not working for you?

[jhigg]

I mean, I don't even think she consciously decided to have a hidden agenda or something like that.

 

She just realized that he can have no future with the "exciting guys" and rationally came to the conclusion she needs someone like me.

 

She genuinely wants to be with me.

 

But is just not attracted to me.

 

I really feel like the "bad guy" by wanting to break up.

[TaxMan]

I've been in relationships where it took a long time before we had sex, like months. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, of course.

 

But once you actually start having sex, if it's as infrequent and unsatisfying as you say, there is definitely something wrong.

 

You try to talk to her about it and she makes it out as if you're accusing her of something. I'm not sure if it's in the way you're approaching the subject or not, so maybe try a different, more compassionate less accusatory approach?

 

Or, more likely, you should just move on as others have said. In my experience, sex gets less frequent as relationships progress so if you're already bone dry (no pun intended) after nine months, it's unlikely to get better.

 

I'd bail.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I mean, I don't even think she consciously decided to have a hidden agenda or something like that.

 

She just realized that he can have no future with the "exciting guys" and rationally came to the conclusion she needs someone like me.

 

She genuinely wants to be with me.

 

But is just not attracted to me.

 

I really feel like the "bad guy" by wanting to break up.

 

She's settling and so are you. Would you want to be married to someone who was not attracted to you? How many long term relationships have you had?

[Versacehottie]

OP, why are you acting like you have absolutely no choice in the matter? That's almost as unattractive as all the sh*t she is doing/not doing. And you sound super resentful about her past sexcapades. I'm not even sure they are 100% true--maybe she is the type who is outwardly very over the top with sexual comments etc but blah behind closed doors. Something doesn't add up. Rather than trying to figure her out, however, why not just move on? I can't think of a single reason why you are being dragged into this mess and would waste 9 months stacking up a bundle of complaints like that. Let her go, it's simple.

[SammySammy]

Typical nice guy. Beta bucks.

 

We've seen this before.

[BaileyB]

Why are you dating this girl? She is settling, and so are you.

 

If physical intimacy is important to you, then you are dating the wrong girl...

 

It's totally inappropriate to think that she will get the ring, the house, the marriage, the babies with any man if she is not invested in creating a loving and physical relationship with him. And it's even more ridiculous if you think that physical intimacy will develop with a little more time, or after you buy her a big ring, or when the kids get older...

[phineas]

Typical nice guy. Beta bucks.

 

We've seen this before.

 

I was op.

Except most women annoy me and the only thing that kept that annoyance in check was regular sex. so i never ended up in op's position.

 

opie, time to move on.

find a woman who can't wait to have you inside her every time she see's you.

trust me on this, it's an amazing feeling.

[angel.eyes]

Are you afraid you'll never find another girlfriend? Is she your sugar mama? Supporting you financially?

 

I'm just trying to understand why you're sticking around so long when you're so angry, resentful, dissatisfied, and outright offended by your treatment and situation.

[Versacehottie]

Are you afraid you'll never find another girlfriend? Is she your sugar mama? Supporting you financially?

 

I'm just trying to understand why you're sticking around so long when you're so angry, resentful, dissatisfied, and outright offended by your treatment and situation.

 

I'll make a guess (i think it's hidden between the lines of the OP even if the OP isn't consciously aware of it). I'd guess that his gf prior to them dating was outwardly very social, flirtatious, popular among their social group and perhaps promiscuous. Even though she may have been passed around now they've ended up together. She's resentful because she is with him as sort of a last resort & he's resentful because he is not getting what she presents herself to be on the surface & can't really or doesn't want to really let her go because on paper she would still appear to give his social status (ability to get this "level" of gf) a boost. Behind closed doors, it's not at all what it seems and he has traded his actual happiness for how things appear on the outside. There is no other real reason to stay with her (that was mentioned in his original post) except for some social pressure. And he is practically seething because he is not "getting" what he "should" be getting, based on the fact that he knows she has given it to other guys before him.

 

That's my guess or some version that closes aligns with that.

[Calmandfocused]

I had to reply to this.

 

Others have mentioned you have low self esteem. Yes, you do. But that aside ask yourself this question "is THIS what I truly want and is THIS what I deserve?" The answer is no, isn't it? Listen to your logic rather than your crippling low self esteem.

 

Now, her agenda is suspect. She is using you! Using you to be the man for security and stability.

 

You have sex less than a couple in their 60s who have been married for 30 years. And to say she isn't attracted to you? That's the biggest insult ever. She should be jumping your bones at every available opportunity at this stage in the relationship. Pick your self esteem off the floor and have some self respect. Do not settle for anyone who doesn't think your gorgeous and sexy.

 

Listen, I've just gone through the most horrendous divorce with 2 children involved. It's not fun I can assure you. Do not make my mistake and ensure you pick wisely when considering your future wife.

[coolheadal]

My [29] GF [27] of 9 months is very dismissing and cold towards me physically but keeps talking about moving in, getting married, having children etc.

 

Really don't want to make this too long on here are the main points:

 

- When we got together it didn't feel like a romance. She pretty much explained that she needs time to get to know me and that I'm a great and reliable guy but just isn't attracted to yet but definitely want to be with me

- We had sex for the first timer after 4 months (not that I didn't make a move - she just wasn't into it)

- We had sex a total of 4 times in 9 months, all 1+ month between each other

- Sex usually lasts 5 minutes, after which she stops me and just goes to sleep

- She does absolutely nothing whatsoever herself, like at all (like literally nothing at all)

- Is not bothered in the slightest that we don't have sex

- It's not possible to talk with her any sexual related stuff, like teasing etc. she always stops me with "what??? what's gotten into you??" or "you men always think about sex only"

 

Alright, so a bit of a background about the girl:

 

- is very extroverted, not shy in the slightest

- had multiple boyfriends, all with whom she had sex within max 24 hours

- had affairs with married men

- did all kinds of stuff with them without any inhibition (stuff you see in porn)

- dirty talk with them all the time and seemed to have enjoyed it a lot

 

* know the above from common friends, from what she told me and me once reading her old SMSes (yes, that's a bad thing to do, I know).

 

- Once she complained to me why men don't last long in bed. I asked how long usually did her previous BFs last. She said something like 30 minutes average, sometimes less, sometimes more. I asked if she thinks that's too short. She said it's definitely too short. I pointed out that when we have sex she always stops me after 5 minutes (I never finish)... it's a bit humiliating that you tell me now that others that were 30 min 1 hour were too short and you stop me after 5 min... she laughs it off as it's just some joke...

 

Yes, I did try talking about it. Does nothing. Usual reply is either making it look like a joke or guilt tripping me with stuff like "Ohh, come on, really?? You men only think of sex.."... "Now what's gotten into you all of the sudden??" etc. - all make me look like some kind of pervert who complains about sex and make me feel as if something's wrong with me.

 

I mean, I can't even make an innuendo, as inoffensive as even, "describe to me how are you dressed right now" etc. while talking on the phone because she immediately comes with the guilt tripping reply such as "WHAT??? what's wrong with you?!!!"

 

... while her standard and basic messages with her previous BFs are like "I want you to come over right now and stick your d*ck into my mouth until you c*m". etc.

 

Why this all is so strange:

 

She insists on us being together and is extremely clingy and even jealous. Just recently she was away on a weekend trip due to her work (legit) and was mentioning every single day for 2 weeks that she's afraid that I will do something while she's away.

 

Talks about getting married, wanting to have children etc.

 

So, lets get to the point:

 

1. Is she settling for me because I'm a "good and reliable guy"? (her words, the good and reliable I mean)

2. Do I have some mental illness and/or self-esteem issues since I put up with all this?

3. What to do?

 

Please don't be condescending and judging.

 

OMG, why, why, why do you put up with her rudeness, controlling behavior. She controls bed and you let her so sex is done for her in 5 mins. You didn't get off either. Stop right there! What did you get out of that experience nothing! You is not really into you sexually. I don't what she wants you to believe. She's lying to you.

 

I am not judging you but you need to understand this woman been around the block with way to many men at age 27 she's been so active since her teens. You sound like a great to know and women out there would be glad to know you exist. She needs to be DUMP! She's a SEX ADDICT and you not really experience enough to handle her needs that's why it last 5 mins until she feels like sleeping. She might be even faking thing too. There is a word for her but I am not saying it. But you need to understand she is not the woman for you and now your getting damage over it.

 

I would never want this type of woman, I've been in a situation like this prior I got out of it fast. No love here, she just using you for what you have. How did you meet this trash, that's what she is trash. Don't think of saying yet so marriage your in for trouble with her. She's been with married she's been with a lot of men. Her sex tool been around the block. I would even touch that myself. I not even going to say anything else.

 

You need to pull in your gut, get back your self-control, self-esteem and get your act together. Grow some too. You are too weak now you let this go on so long it's shameful on your part and hers. You are both to blame. Now tell the her to take out the trash meaning her!

[elaine567]

My guess is that she suffered from childhood neglect or even sexual abuse.

Her promiscuity was linked to a need for attention and love.

She learned that is she gave sex, she got love and attention in return. She was starved of love, so by giving those guys sex she got their attention. She probably never liked the sex, it was just a means to an end. The more sex she gave them the better they liked her.

However she got used and abused and that hurt.

At some point she has realised that allowing guys to use her for sex did not equate to real love.

 

Now she has found a man who loves her and doesn't use her for sex, and that suits her very well. I guess she doesn't really enjoy sex at all, never did. She now has a man who wants her for who she is and not because he can treat her like a porn queen. She is now in control, She has gone full circle.

Now she can see herself becoming be a wife and a mother and enjoy the whole picket fence experience without the worry of sex ever complicating matters.

 

BUT...