jdsierra Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 Hey guys, Cutting the story short, this guy was my friend, his GF of a 6 year LDR broke up with him with little explanation (told him she didn´t miss him, didn´t know if she still loved him). We got closer and sooner than I could know we we're together and he was telling me he wanted to make it official. 2 months later he broke up with me because he was missing his ex and wasn´t fair for me for him to be with me, although he liked me, having feelings for her. I told him he really needed to decide, for his own sake if he wanted to try and fight for her or move on, independently of me. two weeks later he called saying he was going to move on, that he wanted his story with his ex to be past and that he really liked me and missed me. We started to hang out again and I gave him a second chance. Everything was going great until he received a text from her. From that day on, I knew inside of me that it was going to be bad. He changed his behaviour, started ascting distant. We had a conversation about it and he told me that he really loved me and wanted to be with me but he had memories from her he wasn't being able to control, but that it made sense to him to try and solve it by my side because he loved me. I gave it a month and nothing changed, we would sometimes talk about it and the answer was always the same "I really love you, I want to be with you, but this is being hard". I felt frustrated, insecure, I wanted to trust my gut but I had this person I loved telling me he loved me back. After that month I couldn´t stand it anymore and I broke it off. It was really tough, I was breaking up with this guy I loved and had created so much expectations about. After our break up we've been socially together because we used to work together, during those events he was jealous of me talking to a friend of mine (he texted me that after), he provoqued me and in the last one we kissed and he told me he still loved me and missed me but wasn´t in the right state of mind for a relation. I said we'd better not see eachother for a while because it was hurting me. two weeks have gone by, I know now that his ex returned and that he said to a mutual friend of ours that maybe he felt something for me but not enough to be with me. (guess his feelings were never there after all, or they would change in 2 weeks right?) I feel used, angry...5 months of lies. 5 months of opportunities for him to be correct and honest with me. He chose to be selfish. He texted me today saying he though we needed to define somethings and he needed to justify somethings but I told him there was nothing to define and and nothing to talk about. He replied with some "justifications" (excuses basically) and I didn't reply more. I'm angry, I really wanted to tell him how angry I am but I think no good will come from it.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 It doesn't really sound like he lied to you. He wasn't over his ex and was confused. He jumped into something way too soon. Hard lesson for you, though.....don't date someone who is so fresh out of such a long term relationship and is still hurting. This is a very typical scenario . Don't tell him how angry you are. I'm sure he already knows and it's not going to change the outcome. 5
Redhead14 Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 He didn't lie to you. He was straight up honest and did the right thing. You should gracefully thank him and wish him well. You need to be very wary of people who are freshly out of a long-term relationship. Even that person may think they are ready to move forward, but if they haven't allowed themselves enough time to process and accept that break up, their emotions are often easily triggered back to that relationship and do become confused and anxious, etc. And you may think that X number of months should be enough for them to have moved on, the reality is that everyone deals with these things differently and their recovery period is just as individual. 3
d0nnivain Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 This had all the hallmarks of a rebound to begin with. Why did you over look those warnings? You are angry. Of course you can let him know that (although he is probably already aware that his behavior was incorrigible; you telling him isn't news). If you vent you may feel better but it's not going to change the facts. You were a substitute for her & she's back. You & this guy won't reconcile. Your friendship is permanently over. So tell him if you like but understand it won't change anything. Best case scenario -- you feel better. Worst case -- you take it too far & end up in handcuffs
Scarlett.O'hara Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 Sometimes remaining silent sends a stronger message. You make a point while gaining back some control of the situation. He wasted your time as a rebound, why waste another second on him? He had his chance and he blew it. What more is there to say? His loss. 4
salparadise Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 2 months later he broke up with me because he was missing his ex and wasn´t fair for me for him to be with me, although he liked me, having feelings for her. ^He was honest. When people really love someone they cannot switch off the feelings instantly, no matter how much they wish they could. It probably goes double if they were the dumpee. When the two of you first got together he was overwhelmed with grief, hurt and sadness. You should've known this. He began a new relationship with you rather than embracing the grieving process and taking the requisite time to dissolve the attachment. You'd have to be extremely naive to think it could be otherwise. You need to own your part of this, and ask yourself why you were so willing to jump right in knowing he couldn't possibly be over the woman or the trauma. Being angry at him is being in denial –– look inwardly for the answers. I'm sorry you're hurting. Life is tough, and sometimes we have to learn the hard way. 2
Author jdsierra Posted July 3, 2017 Author Posted July 3, 2017 ^He was honest. When people really love someone they cannot switch off the feelings instantly, no matter how much they wish they could. It probably goes double if they were the dumpee. When the two of you first got together he was overwhelmed with grief, hurt and sadness. You should've known this. He began a new relationship with you rather than embracing the grieving process and taking the requisite time to dissolve the attachment. You'd have to be extremely naive to think it could be otherwise. You need to own your part of this, and ask yourself why you were so willing to jump right in knowing he couldn't possibly be over the woman or the trauma. Being angry at him is being in denial –– look inwardly for the answers. I'm sorry you're hurting. Life is tough, and sometimes we have to learn the hard way. He was honest at that time, but then he came with it all at me saying he was moving on from her and was me he wanted to be with. I couldn´t agree more with you guys, regading that period. I don´t feel angry because of that, I feel angry because after that he wanted to reconcile, I gave him that chance and he made a mistake again for 3 months. I know of course he wasn´t 100% over her but when you have someone you love saying to you multiple times he loves you and wants to be with you, acting so confident as he did, taking so many steps as he did, I trusted him. I'm just angry that I led me to believe that it wasn't going to be easy but it would work out fine (I know I was naive) And when I say he's lied it is not regarding her, it's regarding the fact that he told me on and on that he loved me and wanted to be with me and now I know that it isn´t true. It's not like I think he did it consciently, but he did, for too much time.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 He was honest at that time, but then he came with it all at me saying he was moving on from her and was me he wanted to be with. I couldn´t agree more with you guys, regading that period. I don´t feel angry because of that, I feel angry because after that he wanted to reconcile, I gave him that chance and he made a mistake again for 3 months. I know of course he wasn´t 100% over her but when you have someone you love saying to you multiple times he loves you and wants to be with you, acting so confident as he did, taking so many steps as he did, I trusted him. I'm just angry that I led me to believe that it wasn't going to be easy but it would work out fine (I know I was naive) And when I say he's lied it is not regarding her, it's regarding the fact that he told me on and on that he loved me and wanted to be with me and now I know that it isn´t true. It's not like I think he did it consciently, but he did, for too much time. He probably did love you/care about you, and was trying to convince himself that he was over his ex, but he wasn't. Clearly . 2
Redhead14 Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 It's very unfair to demonize a man or a woman for realizing that they aren't over an EX. They are attempting to move on and in the moment are feeling better and distracted, etc. Very, very few people are consciously making an effort to fool someone. They are on a journey of recovery and the process is like grieving a death. There are stages and they don't know when a new stage will come around or come back, etc. And, you may find yourself wearing these shoes now that you've experienced this break up. Give yourself some time to step back from dating and get centered and focused on just you and your life again. When you date new people after a break up and things don't go the way you hope they will over and over again, you are compounding your "baggage" which makes it very difficult to deal with going forward. 2
elaine567 Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 He was honest at that time, but then he came with it all at me saying he was moving on from her and was me he wanted to be with. I couldn´t agree more with you guys, regading that period. I don´t feel angry because of that, I feel angry because after that he wanted to reconcile, I gave him that chance and he made a mistake again for 3 months. Not only did you jump straight into a relationship with a man, whose ex's side of the bed had hardly cooled down, but when he had a wobbly and broke up with you, you didn't go "Enough is enough, I am seriously in danger of getting very hurt here.", like you should have done No-one forgets being dumped by their ex of 6 years in a very short time. Yes they can date, or fool around or cry alone into their coffee, but expecting them to have another full blown healthy relationship is a step too far, and you should have called time on it as soon as he expressed any doubts at all, in order to protect your heart. Being the rebound is very hard, as often the hurt person tends to slot the new person directly into their ex's shoes. It is a lovely place to be, it feels like this man truly adores you and you feel loved and cosy and warm. BUT one day he wakes up and realises you are NOT his ex and never will be and you are then cast out into the wilderness... 3
JJNY Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 (edited) Not only did you jump straight into a relationship with a man, whose ex's side of the bed had hardly cooled down, but when he had a wobbly and broke up with you, you didn't go "Enough is enough, I am seriously in danger of getting very hurt here.", like you should have done No-one forgets being dumped by their ex of 6 years in a very short time. Yes they can date, or fool around or cry alone into their coffee, but expecting them to have another full blown healthy relationship is a step too far, and you should have called time on it as soon as he expressed any doubts at all, in order to protect your heart. Being the rebound is very hard, as often the hurt person tends to slot the new person directly into their ex's shoes. It is a lovely place to be, it feels like this man truly adores you and you feel loved and cosy and warm. BUT one day he wakes up and realises you are NOT his ex and never will be and you are then cast out into the wilderness... This is spot on and I wish I read something like this before I got myself into my current situation, which is very similar to yours OP. We both learned important lessons here. People rebounding are too emotionally fragile to fully commit to you regardless of what they may be saying. Listen to the red flags and trust your gut. Me, I was blinded by knowing this woman for so long and I ignored them. Never again will I put myself in that situation. As for your question OP, no, don't tell him how angry. Tell your friends. Write it in a journal. Yell it out your window so your whole neighborhood hears. But telling him will do nothing. He won't change his mind, he'll get defensive, and in the end you won't feel better. Fight the urge and move on in a healthy manner. Edited July 3, 2017 by JJNY .
Author jdsierra Posted July 4, 2017 Author Posted July 4, 2017 This is spot on and I wish I read something like this before I got myself into my current situation, which is very similar to yours OP. We both learned important lessons here. People rebounding are too emotionally fragile to fully commit to you regardless of what they may be saying. Listen to the red flags and trust your gut. Me, I was blinded by knowing this woman for so long and I ignored them. Never again will I put myself in that situation. As for your question OP, no, don't tell him how angry. Tell your friends. Write it in a journal. Yell it out your window so your whole neighborhood hears. But telling him will do nothing. He won't change his mind, he'll get defensive, and in the end you won't feel better. Fight the urge and move on in a healthy manner. True! Actually I never had many relations, I'm 29 and before this one I was in a relationship for 8 years and before that (less than 20yrs old) I just didn´t want relationships so I agree I was naive, I already was friends with this guy and I chose to trust every single word he said rather than trust in my gut. Lessons are learned: never get envolved with someone who recently was dumped, trust yourself rather than what the other person might say to you, trust actions not words. I'm not going to say anything else to him, I think the urge was someway bigger because last text he sent me when I told him I didn´t want to meet was him trying to justify some of his actions. For me, although I can understand he wasn´t in his right state of mind, that he is not an evil person, that he might have really cared for me, there are somethings in our story that I just don´t think he could say anything to make me feel better about it. It was our second chance and maybe because of that I pushed it so hard and allowed myself to be in an awful situation but I also think that from the moment he knew he couldn´t do it (and I know this happened while we were still together) he should've told me rather than continue to say that everything was fine. I mean, I was the one who had to break up this second time.
Altair0770 Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 (edited) Feeling used was the worst, and unfortunately he did use you, but I think his intentions weren't that.. I think he genuinely cared about you, and potentially wanted to be with you. But word travels, and it got to his ex. Like a typical ex, she started sabotaging the relationship. Unfortunately, the guy isn't at fault, intentionally. It was clear you were a rebound, but I don't think he intended to use you as one, and wanted to sincerely move on. A lot of people here want to move on from their exes, but it's a long journey and is very difficult to control emotions. His ex texting him made it even more difficult. Edited July 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
JJNY Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 (edited) Feeling used was the worst, and unfortunately he did use you, but I think his intentions weren't that.. I think he genuinely cared about you, and potentially wanted to be with you. But word travels, and it got to his ex. Like a typical ex, she started sabotaging the relationship. Unfortunately, the guy isn't at fault, intentionally. It was clear you were a rebound, but I don't think he intended to use you as one, and wanted to sincerely move on. A lot of people here want to move on from their exes, but it's a long journey and is very difficult to control emotions. His ex texting him made it even more difficult. Right. In my situation, everything had appeared fine until I flew her across the country for a very special wedding as my date, where everyone there was treating us as a true couple. It was at that moment she realized it was too much and she wasn't ready for it. Of course I felt used, but I don't think she intentionally did it. Unfortunately I did go the route of being angry and probably pushed her away for good. But that may be a good thing. If she comes back how would I ever trust her again anyway? So in your situation OP, there's nothing else you can do besides reflect, learn and move on when you're ready. Holding on to the hatred isn't going to solve anything. Edited July 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
stillafool Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 And when I say he's lied it is not regarding her, it's regarding the fact that he told me on and on that he loved me and wanted to be with me and now I know that it isn´t true. It's not like I think he did it consciently, but he did, for too much time. I think he probably did love you but not as much as his ex. His pull to her was stronger and I'm sure he wanted to get over her but couldn't. The lesson here is to not date anyone who just gets out of a relationship because you will end up a rebound. 1
BC1980 Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 It's understandable to want to tell an ex how much they hurt you, but you aren't likely to get the satisfaction out of if you think you will. It's better to tell someone who will be sympathetic to you like family or friends. They will let you go off and not judge you. Your ex, on the other hand, it not going to be sympathetic to your anger and will try to stick up for himself. It's what all of us would do. 1
Author jdsierra Posted July 4, 2017 Author Posted July 4, 2017 Right. In my situation, everything had appeared fine until I flew her across the country for a very special wedding as my date, where everyone there was treating us as a true couple. It was at that moment she realized it was too much and she wasn't ready for it. Of course I felt used, but I don't think she intentionally did it. Unfortunately I did go the route of being angry and probably pushed her away for good. But that may be a good thing. If she comes back how would I ever trust her again anyway? So in your situation OP, there's nothing else you can do besides reflect, learn and move on when you're ready. Holding on to the hatred isn't going to solve anything. Thank you so much for your support. It's "good" to have people that went through the same situation and that understand. I'm not a spiteful person, not at all, and I genuinely can understand now that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I think I just don´t understand why he insisted and wanted a second round, why so many things were said to me, why, in the last month of our relationship (after his ex text) when I asked him so many times if we were ok, if he was confused about me/us, if he needed space he replied "yes", "no", "no". Why instead of telling me what really was going on in his head and breaking up he insisted in being with me until I had to make the decision of breaking up myself for my own sake. And the fact of us being friends before all this makes it a little bit worse because you "know" the person, it's not like if is someone you met one night and got into this situation, it's someone you believe has high standards and don´t expect to act this way with you. But again, I don´t think there's any justifiable explanation for these actions and I know that if I've gone for that coffee with him, I'd be in a much worse place today. One thing I know, I'm at peace with myself. Trying to think of all of those things I always wanted to do and never did and put them to practice. I'm not single since I'm 20 and I'm trying to see this as an opportunity to get out of the routine, meet new people, know myself better, know what I want better and believe that no matter what, everything is going to be fine!
fieldoflavender Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 I want to do this - but I think it only matters when the other person actually still cares even the slightest bit for you. Otherwise are you not just talking to a wall and giving them the satisfaction of being able to hurt you again? I haven't decided - I think as soon as I tie loose ends with him completely and give him back his stuff, I will send a letter if not only to educate. Of course it's not my responsibility anymore, but perhaps a last try. I haven't made up my mind yet though. You can't treat people like that - of course the person likely doesn't care anymore. But we can try to say.
fred123 Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 He probably did love you/care about you, and was trying to convince himself that he was over his ex, but he wasn't. Clearly . Ok so what if in a month or so he starts dating someone new and now is over his ex. ?
JinxyWinxy Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 This is a great piece of advice, esp the last paragraph: I think he probably did love you but not as much as his ex. His pull to her was stronger and I'm sure he wanted to get over her but couldn't. The lesson here is to not date anyone who just gets out of a relationship because you will end up a rebound. Boom! There it is, ex/re-bound heart break in a nut shell Thank you Stillafool (not a fool at all) x
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