starrysweetstars Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 Hi there, I don't really know where to turn or what to do an anymore. I really need some advice and help. I will keep this brief. This guy was/is my ex. We were together for two years as teenagers. We were both a bit messed up at the time. He would blow hot and cold with me; one day he woke up on a family holiday and decided he didn't want to take to me. And he didn't, all day. I cried. He didn't care. Anyways. He dumped me saying he didn't love me anymore but we immediately become f buddies- seeing each other for a few hours a week. We went to different unis and we didn't contact for a year. I felt better and moved on. I got an email from him a year later asking to meet. We did and hooked up. After he cried saying he'd just cheated on his gyf (he hadn't told me about her). I'm not proud of this but we hooked up casually when he had his gyf. He said he couldn't stay away from me and the sex was amazing with me. Eventually she broke up with him coz he was too evasive with her. Since we came back from uni... We've been staying over at each others houses weekly. We've been on about four holidays abroad and mini breaks. We have been doing this for almost 11 years now. We call each other a few times a week. I went to his mother's 60th birthday party. His family asked me why he won't ask me to be with him I ended up crying in front of them. Very embarrassing. He has some issues - he had a very bad relationship with his dad - who passed away a few years ago. He can't sleep next to anyone and he can't seem to bring his walls down. I spoke to him the other day. Said I still love him and want to be with him. He said "there's nothing you can do. You can't be any nicer, kinder or better looking, this is to do with me" he also said "you could do so much better and find someone not messed up- I can't do any better than you. I don't want you to wait for me' My heart broke into one thousand pieces. I am devastated and feel like i don't want to go on. Does he really not love me? Or is he fighting some.serious problems he has? Is he pushing me away but wants me to stay? How can we have this - what is basically a relationship but he still doesn't want to be with me? I have tried to meet other men. I've been on dates. I've hooked up with guys but they've all been vile to me. No one is interested in me for anything other than sex. I've been single for ten years. My heart hurts. I feel so lonely and unwanted.
d0nnivain Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 You already know he can't commit. You also know you want more. At some point you will be feed up with this roller coaster & get off permanently. Nothing will change until you change it. Since you can't change him all you can do is take care of yourself. 2
JJNY Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 He said "there's nothing you can do. You can't be any nicer, kinder or better looking, this is to do with me" he also said "you could do so much better and find someone not messed up- I can't do any better than you. I don't want you to wait for me' I heard the same things. We have to face reality: we can't fix somebody. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and not fall for someone who is emotionally unstable and unavailable. You shouldnt be looking to fill the void by "hooking up with other guys." When you do that you'll only attract those types of guys. You have to fill the void from within and be confident in who you are. By doing that you'll attract the right person when you're healed. It will take time. But anything worth having takes time. I'm on the exact same track as you right now. I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks over someone who will no longer give me the time of day. Seek therapy. Find out why your self esteem is so low. Improve yourself and love yourself and with time this will all pass. Above all KEEP IN NC. 1
Author starrysweetstars Posted July 3, 2017 Author Posted July 3, 2017 I heard the same things. We have to face reality: we can't fix somebody. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and not fall for someone who is emotionally unstable and unavailable. You shouldnt be looking to fill the void by "hooking up with other guys." When you do that you'll only attract those types of guys. You have to fill the void from within and be confident in who you are. By doing that you'll attract the right person when you're healed. It will take time. But anything worth having takes time. I'm on the exact same track as you right now. I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks over someone who will no longer give me the time of day. Seek therapy. Find out why your self esteem is so low. Improve yourself and love yourself and with time this will all pass. Above all KEEP IN NC. So you don't think his words "I can't do better than you, but you can do better than me" aren't because he loves me deep down- it's just that he's letting me down? I can't understand how we have a relationship like we do- but he doesn't want to be with me? I have had ten years of loneliness. I was holding out for him to finally let down the walls.
JJNY Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 So you don't think his words "I can't do better than you, but you can do better than me" aren't because he loves me deep down- it's just that he's letting me down? I can't understand how we have a relationship like we do- but he doesn't want to be with me? I have had ten years of loneliness. I was holding out for him to finally let down the walls. Could be a lot of reasons he would say that. At the end of the day, is he with you? Talk is cheap. He's walking. It sucks to be on the opposite end of that, I know. But you have to let him. If he comes back he comes back but don't put your life on hold anymore. 1
Author starrysweetstars Posted July 3, 2017 Author Posted July 3, 2017 Could be a lot of reasons he would say that. At the end of the day, is he with you? Talk is cheap. He's walking. It sucks to be on the opposite end of that, I know. But you have to let him. If he comes back he comes back but don't put your life on hold anymore. No, you're right he isn't with me and would rather see me - and everything we have- all the holidays, weekends away, meals out etc- go than be with me. He wants to carry on as normal- in fact he even wants to go on holiday end of August even after this talk. He won't break away and I'm finding it really hard to muster up the strength to do so. It's all I've known for ten years.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 You've enabled this long enough, OP. Now that you know you won't have a happy ending with this guy, you need to go find your backbone and say "NO" to this. Stop allowing yourself to be treated like a stand-in girlfriend. Yes, it will be hard to cut him off. But it will be a lot harder to waste any more of your prime years on a dead-end situation. As long as this guy is occupying real estate in your heart and mind, you won't find someone who actually deserves a place there. 3
d0nnivain Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 He won't break away and I'm finding it really hard to muster up the strength to do so. It's all I've known for ten years. I was in a similar situation for an equal period of time. We were more together then you are; we lived together. I wanted more -- marriage etc. He didn't. Eventually I realized that this was going to be all there was or I was going to have to find the courage to change by breaking up with him. It wasn't easy. I cried for almost a year after we split. I still think about him but my head & logic control now & I wonder why I let it go on so long. All in all I'm in a much better place. I wish the same for you. You will end this when you are ready to & not before. 4
fred123 Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 I was in a similar situation for an equal period of time. We were more together then you are; we lived together. I wanted more -- marriage etc. He didn't. Eventually I realized that this was going to be all there was or I was going to have to find the courage to change by breaking up with him. It wasn't easy. I cried for almost a year after we split. I still think about him but my head & logic control now & I wonder why I let it go on so long. All in all I'm in a much better place. I wish the same for you. You will end this when you are ready to & not before. Hey question. Why didnt he want marriage? What if you find out he meets a new girl and gets married to her?
stillafool Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 So you don't think his words "I can't do better than you, but you can do better than me" aren't because he loves me deep down- it's just that he's letting me down? I can't understand how we have a relationship like we do- but he doesn't want to be with me? I have had ten years of loneliness. I was holding out for him to finally let down the walls. No sweetie. I have been with guys that I felt I couldn't ask for a better man to marry and I liked them a lot. Like doesn't equal love and you can't make someone fall in love with you. He feels you are a great girl but he isn't "in love" with you and knows that he won't fall in love with you. He loves the sex you provide but that is where it ends. As long as you cling to him begging for what is not going to happen you will miss out on the guy who can give you everything you want. Let him go. 2
Author starrysweetstars Posted July 3, 2017 Author Posted July 3, 2017 No sweetie. I have been with guys that I felt I couldn't ask for a better man to marry and I liked them a lot. Like doesn't equal love and you can't make someone fall in love with you. He feels you are a great girl but he isn't "in love" with you and knows that he won't fall in love with you. He loves the sex you provide but that is where it ends. As long as you cling to him begging for what is not going to happen you will miss out on the guy who can give you everything you want. Let him go. Thank you. I suppose I feel a bit stupid for having put everything I have /I am into this. For ten years. I read him going on holiday with me, spending time with me and having sex with me as ...he does love me deep down. But maybe it was just "like" as you said. It really hurts it's likely physical hurt. I just cant get my head around it
spiderowl Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 (edited) He has all the power in this relationship because you let him. You let him come into your life and take your love and body whenever he wants it. He doesn't have to fight for your or make an effort for you. How is he ever going to value you as you should be valued as long as you make yourself available to him? He is not going to change while things are like this. He may never change. You cannot assume someone will change. One thing is for sure, he has no need to offer you more commitment or recognition as long as you allow him to have you for nothing. He will not respect you because he is in control. Your real power lies in walking away from him. You might lose him for good, but a relationship needs to be based on mutual respect. Without that it is very shaky indeed. Edited July 3, 2017 by spiderowl 3
Maldives Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 Thank you. I suppose I feel a bit stupid for having put everything I have /I am into this. For ten years. I read him going on holiday with me, spending time with me and having sex with me as ...he does love me deep down. But maybe it was just "like" as you said. It really hurts it's likely physical hurt. I just cant get my head around it I can so relate to this. Before I found this site, I really thought it was just men who hurt but now see its both. Sorry for ur pain im in pain this yr too best to walk away. Try and work out why ur attracting guys that aren't committing to u maybe some therapy? All the best
staggerlee71 Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 When someone says you can do better, it means that they know you want more and they are not willing, or can't, meet your expectations. And they are not willing to try.
Author starrysweetstars Posted July 4, 2017 Author Posted July 4, 2017 When someone says you can do better, it means that they know you want more and they are not willing, or can't, meet your expectations. And they are not willing to try. Thanks for your reply- to everyone. I don't know what has been going on for ten years (he isn't with anyone either) but I think I thought he was just waiting until he felt ok about moving forward. But from your replies I see its not healthy
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 Hey question. Why didnt he want marriage? What if you find out he meets a new girl and gets married to her? He doesn't believe in marriage. It's been 17 years. My EX has a new GF. They live together but he's still not married. I am happily married. Last year he actually had the audacity to tell me one of his biggest regrets in life is that he & I didn't have kids. I screamed at him. Another part of why we broke up is he always said I was too unstable to be the mother of his children because I suffer from depression. I told him that was one of the meanest most hateful things anybody ever said to me. I had gotten my closure from him while planning my wedding with my husband. DH & I had relatively smooth sailing but it was still stressful. I realized if I had tried to marry the EX we never would have made it down the aisle. If I didn't have closure the statements above would have given it to me. starrysweetstars -- Now that you are beginning to see this for what is really is you can make healthy changes for yourself.
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