EmmaS Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 I don't even know how to start with this but I'll try. A few months ago I cheated on my husband with a girl. I say girl instead of woman because she was quite young, a lot younger than me. She was legally able to consent in my country so even though I am in the clear within the law, what I did would probably be viewed as immoral by most of western civilization. I view it as immoral myself and before I did it I would have thought that any adult who slept with someone so young would be a disgusting predator. I don't know if I want to completely explain my relationship with this girl before the incident and how I knew her. It's disgusting, embarrassing, and I don't think that's too important but she happened to be there for me on one of my hardest nights. My husband hadn't been home for a week for work and he wouldn't be back for another two. My father passed away and my husband wouldn't come home early. My children were more to handle than usual, work was very stressful and she was there. She babysat my kids free of charge, helped me remember things if I got too stressed out, would keep me company if she thought I was lonely. She was perfect, and beautiful, and she listened to me. One night was especially difficult. I couldn't stop thinking about my father and how lonely and upset I was. I got back home from work and I cried in my car for a bit before walking into my house. When the girl saw me she could see that I was crying and she looked so worried. She hugged me and we sat down with drinks (no alcohol for her). The kids were asleep so we just talked and I poured all of my problems on her. The way she just seemed so worried for me and how much she cared made me feel so happy and loved. I was a bit tipsy but I knew what I was doing. She was so pretty looking up at me with that smile on her face. Her hand was rested on my leg and she kept edging closer to me. I knew she was gay and I could see in her eyes what she wanted so I kissed her and one thing led to another. When we were done I felt vile. She wasn't just some stranger, I knew this person. I had a relationship with her that made this scenario ten times more disgusting than if were a random teenager. I feel guilty every day for what I did and my husband isn't a bad man. It's not like he didn't want to come home for me. We were having some financial difficulties and he had to continue working even though he wanted to come home. When he came back from work he was really supportive and sweet and I felt sick. How could I do that to him? I have to tell him what I did but my entire life will crumble. He knows I'm bisexual, my sexuality would not shock him but cheating is cheating and I don't even think the cheating part will be the worst of it. There is a slight chance that he would want to work through this if the person I cheated on was different, someone he didn't know, someone who wasn't so young. I know him and if I tell him who it was I cheated on he won't only see me as disloyal but as a predator or even a pedophile. The girl was NOT young enough for me to be that but the word would definitely get thrown around. She is the neighborhood kid who walks people's dogs, babysits their kids and shovels their drive ways. Everyone in this neighborhood loves her and would be very protective over her. I don't blame the girl, it's all my fault. He will tell people, and word will spread. I wouldn't blame him but this is a pretty big deal. I wouldn't be surprised if I lost my job over it. The worst part of this whole thing is that even though I regret what I did and I am aware that it was immoral and disgusting, I still think about her. She's attractive and bright, and I think about her in a few years and if it would work in the future. It's like this annoying little thought that pops up in my head sometimes but I know it wouldn't work. I know I'd be better with my husband, and our children together. I'm conflicted on whether or not I should tell him. What he doesn't know can't hurt him but I don't know if I can hold onto this guilt forever. I feel like, whatever decision I make will be a selfish one. If any of you were in my position would you tell the truth? Be honest. I'm thinking about seeing a therapist over this but I don't want to if I don't have to. I'm getting quite desperate which is why I'm here. I have to talk to strangers anonymously because I obviously can't speak about this in the real world. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 (edited) You need professional help. And, yes, you do need to tell your husband. I don't know the age of this girl but her parents also need to know if she's around the age it seems you're indicating. It's possible her parents will find out anyway and it will go much better for you if you and your husband are the ones who tell them. It's the right thing to do. Edited July 3, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Betrayal...regardless of the age or sex of the partner...is still a betrayal. Should you tell? well there are lots of differing opinions about this and you will have to decide the one that is right for you...and much of that will depend on who you are. I am a person who is straight shooter...I say what i think and i am honest. I told my husbnad of my betrayal becasue i felt he had the right to know and decide what was right for him. I did not tell becasue i could not live with the secret....I told becasue he needed to know who i had become. I hoped that he would decide to keep me as his wife...but i knew it was very possible that he would divorce me. I am a deeply religious person...and those religious values were embedded in my heart even though i had gone against them and cheated. So should you tell? I guess that depends on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 I wonder what the reaction would if it was a guy telling this 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 I have a feeling I'll be in the minority here but I wouldn't tell him. It just sounds like more trouble than it's worth. Learn your lesson. Get therapy b/c it sounds like you're going through a lot and handled it completely wrong. If this girl isn't a minor, I don't see what the issue or problem is regarding that. If you tell him, you'll only add trouble to the marriage. I'd keep it to myself and work on my issues. If it happens again or if you realize you just aren't happy being married then you should talk with your husband. But to do it now could only cause hurt and possibly drama. Don't let it happen again. see a therapist and figure yourself out. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Lots of schools of thought on this, but one thing is for sure: tell him before he finds out from someone else. Not sure I'd "trust" this girl to not spill the beans, quite honestly. You haven't said anything negative about her, but just the fact that she is a teenager.....they talk. However the information comes out, it's going to be very uncomfortable for you to keep living in your neighborhood . Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 I wonder what the reaction would if it was a guy telling this well there were only two responses before yours...and mine was certainly not gender based so I am not sure who you are referring to me or LWP...but i believe we both gave an honest opinion...and you did not give one at all.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Emma, how old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 I have a feeling I'll be in the minority here but I wouldn't tell him. It just sounds like more trouble than it's worth. Learn your lesson. Get therapy b/c it sounds like you're going through a lot and handled it completely wrong. If this girl isn't a minor, I don't see what the issue or problem is regarding that. If you tell him, you'll only add trouble to the marriage. I'd keep it to myself and work on my issues. If it happens again or if you realize you just aren't happy being married then you should talk with your husband. But to do it now could only cause hurt and possibly drama. Don't let it happen again. see a therapist and figure yourself out. Good luck! And if it was a man having sex with a 16 year old girl, you'd say the same thing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 And if it was a man having sex with a 16 year old girl, you'd say the same thing? Well, in all fairness, she didn't say she was 16. She could be 19. And OP could be 24 for all we know. I get your point though. I have a 16 year old daughter who has never even kissed a boy.....I'd be quite appalled if this had happened to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmmaS Posted July 3, 2017 Author Share Posted July 3, 2017 You need professional help. And, yes, you do need to tell your husband. I don't know the age of this girl but her parents also need to know if she's around the age it seems you're indicating. It's possible her parents will find out anyway and it will go much better for you if you and your husband are the ones who tell them. It's the right thing to do. I'm trying to find the best way to tell him even though I'm not sure I will. The moreI think about it the more horrific it looks. My kids, my friends, my parents, everything just gone. He'll probably have a good case in court with the kids and I'll have to completely leave my life behind. Her parents would kill me. I'm friends with them, and they trust me. If they knew I slept with their daughter it'd infuriate them. I'm an idiot... Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmmaS Posted July 3, 2017 Author Share Posted July 3, 2017 Well, in all fairness, she didn't say she was 16. She could be 19. And OP could be 24 for all we know. I get your point though. I have a 16 year old daughter who has never even kissed a boy.....I'd be quite appalled if this had happened to her. I'm going to be honest, the girl is 16 and I am 36. It's bad, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 I'm going to be honest, the girl is 16 and I am 36. It's bad, I know. Yes, that's bad. It is very, very bad. And they are going to find out. Do you want to be the one to tell them or have it come out some other way? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts