Cooper04 Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Just some quick background, several years ago a girl started working at the company I was at. She's a former model, extremely attractive which I guess scared timid little me off at first, but we eventually struck up a form of friendship. When I left the company 2 years later, I tried asking her out on a few dates. To be honest, I'm not sure if she even realized they were meant to be dates, I felt it was awkward and it ended up being just friends hanging out. So I left it alone. In the years following, I'd see her every few months, but always in a 'friendly' setting. We were never on our own, always out as a group. Usually with ex-collegues as a sort of catch-up, a few times she invited me to hang out with her and her friends. There was never any hint of there being anything more than friendship between us. Through all this, we both had a few short-term relationships, nothing serious. We both see ourselves as perpetually single. About 18 months ago, there was a reunion of sorts of collegues from the place we worked together. At this point, I was in the relationship that brought me to these forums.. When I said I was no longer single and with a girl I really cared about, she reacted very weirdly. She gave me a half-hearted fistpump for no longer being single, then got her stuff and left basically. The others who were there all said the same thing, she clearly didn't like what I had said.. A few months later I was dumped, and I was struggling. She came through for me and dragged me out of the house to hang out. In the following months and over the summer, we started hanging out more and more, and suddenly it was just us. We'd meet up, have dinner, drinks and stayed together for 9-10 hours every time, often several times a week. It felt like dating, but there was nothing romantic or sexual going on. This has been going on until now, I now see her as one of my closest friends. My thoughts around this time, which I still have, is that as much as I love her as a friend, she's not what I'm looking for in a girlfriend. Just a personality-thing. We often talk about sex. She has told me numerous times, she wants to be single, and has been for the last 2 years, but she misses the sex. She doesn't date. She basically wants someone to bang her and then just leave afterwards. Whenever she says this, I giggle nervously and change the topic.. I can't understand if she is saying this to me because she wants me to be that guy and I can't build up the nerve to ask. Finally getting to the point, she is incredibly beautiful. I want to just be friends, but I can't deny I really want a sexual relationship with her. So a month back, I sent her a text, saying something like "Since we both want the same thing, maybe you and me should hook up?" She replied "Perfect way to ruin the friendship:rolleyes: But it makes sense" I wrote back "Just a thought", she answered "It's always good to air thoughts out" (My translations, we're not english-speaking) I took her replies as a no, but I guess she kinda left the door open? I haven't brought it up since, and neither has she. I don't know what to do now, not even sure why I'm writing this post. What do you guys think, is it a terribly idea to pursue this? Is she open to it? This friendship really matters to me and I don't want to ruin it. But I hardly think about anything but sex whenever I'm with her. Btw, I'm 38, she's 35.
preraph Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Why in all these years have you not made a move on her? I personally think it's too late. I don't think you are confident enough to make a move on her, so you're not confident enough to date her, basically. I mean, you ask her out, but you don't kiss her goodnight when you drop her off? So I'm going to be blunt, by now she must just think you aren't man enough to be confident with a woman. And then when you told her you have a girlfriend, she's thinking, well, that's nice. He never could muster up the nerve to kiss me goodnight but all of a sudden he has a girlfriend. She probably did think it was a date until you didn't kiss her. But now you've been friends for years and I do think hooking up is exactly the wrong thing to do. You don't hook up with someone you're friends with. If you want to take a shot at actually dating her again, you better tell her you were just kidding about hooking up but that you wished you'd had the nerve to kiss her all those years ago when you first went out and see if she has any reserve of feelings for you anymore.
Author Cooper04 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Posted July 2, 2017 Why in all these years have you not made a move on her? I personally think it's too late. I don't think you are confident enough to make a move on her, so you're not confident enough to date her, basically. I mean, you ask her out, but you don't kiss her goodnight when you drop her off? So I'm going to be blunt, by now she must just think you aren't man enough to be confident with a woman. And then when you told her you have a girlfriend, she's thinking, well, that's nice. He never could muster up the nerve to kiss me goodnight but all of a sudden he has a girlfriend. She probably did think it was a date until you didn't kiss her. But now you've been friends for years and I do think hooking up is exactly the wrong thing to do. You don't hook up with someone you're friends with. If you want to take a shot at actually dating her again, you better tell her you were just kidding about hooking up but that you wished you'd had the nerve to kiss her all those years ago when you first went out and see if she has any reserve of feelings for you anymore. I don't think you fully understood my post. I have no interest in dating or a romantic relationship with her, we're simply not a match in those terms. What I want is a FWB-situation, where we remain as friends like now and we're both still free to date others. She has told me she wants an FWB, but does not want a relationship. With me or anyone. I forgot one small detail in the OP, we had sex after an office summer party while we still worked together, about 6 months before I asked her out. So I don't feel the goodnight-kiss angle is really applicable here.. I don't mean to be ungrateful when you're trying to offer me advice, but your attempt at reading the mind of a person you've never met is way off who she is as a person. But as you say, friends don't hook up. And you're certainly right about me being squeamish around here, she has told me several times that she's seen how I act around other girls and she doesn't understand why I'm so "girly" around her (Her words, not mine:)) But, after the dating didn't work out almost 4 years ago, it's not until recently I've wanted to be more than just platonic friends.
preraph Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Well, yeah, if you leave out pertinent info, then I'm going to have a lot harder time giving you any pertinent advice. Now I've lost interest.
melalvaro Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 I don't think you fully understood my post. I have no interest in dating or a romantic relationship with her, we're simply not a match in those terms. What I want is a FWB-situation, where we remain as friends like now and we're both still free to date others. She has told me she wants an FWB, but does not want a relationship. With me or anyone. I forgot one small detail in the OP, we had sex after an office summer party while we still worked together, about 6 months before I asked her out. So I don't feel the goodnight-kiss angle is really applicable here.. I don't mean to be ungrateful when you're trying to offer me advice, but your attempt at reading the mind of a person you've never met is way off who she is as a person. But as you say, friends don't hook up. And you're certainly right about me being squeamish around here, she has told me several times that she's seen how I act around other girls and she doesn't understand why I'm so "girly" around her (Her words, not mine:)) But, after the dating didn't work out almost 4 years ago, it's not until recently I've wanted to be more than just platonic friends. Please don't be offended when someone answers your request for advice. You are the one who asked for it. He just provided his opinion based on the story that you shared. Anyway, I think you just really consider her as a friend and you value your friendship. But the sex thing is because both of you are being human being and sex is a natural biological friend. I think it is fine that you two have sex and it will not ruin your relationship depending on how it happens. Remember when you asked her if you two could hook up since you both want the same thing, you felt that her reply was a no. But she never said no, right? It was because of the way/words you use when you ask for it. Let it happen naturally. DO NOT ASK FOR IT. The kiss goodnight still will help and could be the start of the deed. I hope this helps.
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