spiderowl Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Did you share love talk with your affair partner or keep that just for your husband/wife? Did you try to keep the two types of relationship distinct in nature, like with no 'I love yous' and that kind of thing?
RecentChange Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Mine was a FWB.... A sex based affair. There certainly we're no "I love you's". We had actually agreed to consciously keep our emotions out of it before we went down that path. There were compliments and ego boost. "I love the way you make me feel" comments.... But that is distinctly different than I love you. 1
lostgirl87 Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 I wasn't married but was dating a married man. About a year into our relationship he finally said "I love you". I had asked him months before if he loved me and he said he had love for me but wasn't in love. I'd never been in love so I wasn't upset- I understood b/c even i didn't know what I was feeling. I appreciated the honesty. But when he finally said it, it felt real. It wasn't something he said just to sleep with me or keep me around b/c we'd already been together for so long and I had no plans of leaving him or stopping our relationship. After that, we exchanged "I love you"s constantly and became even closer and more intimate with each other.
ImaginaryDream Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Oh gosh.. it took years. Four years before we said the "I love you's" to each other. Even then, it's few and far in between. Mostly me saying it, and him not reciprocating. But there have been moments when he's texted me, asking if I ever wonder what it would be like to be together. To wake up and see me smiling at him. It's all a fantasy and a dream though, whether or not he "loves" me is a moot point, it'll never be enough for him to actually try to be with me. I can't tell you if that is separate from what he does with his wife. It's a discussion we've never had, and that I honestly never care to have. While I was married, it certainly took me less than four years to tell my husband that. I was more free with my feelings with him, because I had no fear of sharing them with him. With my AP.. I was terrified of telling him anything that would make him think I was getting too involved.. but when the years go by, there's a point when you realize it's more than just a fling. That maybe there is something actually there. So you share your feelings, but then you open yourself up to the inevitable heartbreak of knowing however much you love him, he'll never love you enough to be with you. I know how cynical this sounds, but it's the truth. One day I'll be strong enough to leave this, but for now I just can't. And it sucks. 4
jah526 Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Nope. I'm not sure mine even liked me, never mind love. He once told me that he wanted to keep emotions out of it because he already had too much of that at home. Whatever that means. :/ Must be nice however to be able to turn emotions on and off at will. 1
lostintheuk Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Yes, he told me very quickly. In fact he said he was starting to develop feelings of 'love' after 5 very intense days spent in each other's pockets. I told him I couldn't say it back until I felt it too (which I did after a month).
MidnightBlue1980 Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 He said it to me months before the A even started. I believe now it was all a ploy to hook me or anyone willing to take the bait. During the A, he said it constantly and continued to say it after it was over. It's just words though. He certainly did not love me. The only rules I had were no talking about the future which would never come. 1
carhill Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Did you share love talk with your affair partner or keep that just for your husband/wife? You'd have to clarify what 'love talk' is. If you mean post-coital pillow talk, exW. Did you try to keep the two types of relationship distinct in nature, like with no 'I love yous' and that kind of thing? No. Additionally, the two ladies were free to cross-check on that so there was no ambiguity. I would say at that point in life I was done with women and I've seen nothing since to change that decision.
Birdies Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 I tried to ignore that I was falling love with him, but ultimately we did admit it to each other. It wasn't "the fog", we were and still are very much in love. I feel terrible for allowing myself to be in a position where I could fall in love with someone besides my (now ex) husband. A truly shltty thing to do. He has been gracious though and told me he wants me to be happy, so I am grateful to him for that. And former AP and I are very happy together. I just wish it didn't come at the expense of our spouses. 1
Author spiderowl Posted July 2, 2017 Author Posted July 2, 2017 I meant words like 'I love you' or other expressions implying it is more than just a sexual adventure. It is interesting that there seems to be a variety of experiences. I would have thought people would want to keep love out of it so as not to get too emotionally involved, esp where it starts as sexual adventure.
BreakingWave Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 My MW and I were friends first, so we had already said "I love you" long before the affair started. Interestingly, she stopped saying it when we began the affair. In the beginning she would tell me she missed me all the time and constantly text to see what I was up to. She never does that anymore, either. She says she does it to spare me but I call b.s. - she does it to help herself put people in different boxes and put me back in my place when I get overly familiar and start acting like we have a legit romantic relationship. Some people are really good at compartmentalizing or at least trying to. 1
cocorico Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 Did you share love talk with your affair partner or keep that just for your husband/wife? Did you try to keep the two types of relationship distinct in nature, like with no 'I love yous' and that kind of thing? My H (fMM) did keep the Rs very distinct. His XBW wasn't into any kind of displays of affection, so there were no ILYs, no "love talk" or anything like that, with her. He's very affectionate by nature, so was bursting to share that side of himself with someone, so our R was riddled with that. Interestingly, one of the crimes she accused him of during the D process was that he didn't do the affection / ILY / PDA thing with her... quite forgetting all the letters she'd written him telling him never to try that shot with her.
Ahurtgirl Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 He told me he loved me within a couple of weeks of meeting me. I took me a little while longer to feel in love with him. We said I love you at least once every day for over four years. He even called and talked to my husband about wanting to find happiness with me in the first year. (Now this same guy broke things off with me immediately four years later the minute I called his wife and then the next day told me he never loved me and said unbelievable hurtful things to me about him feeling I was manipulative, vindictive, he felt blackmailed, and he felt he had to protect himself from me so he could make himself feel like I was a crazy desperate woman chasing him and so many destructive words). He went from being in love with me (he even told me he loved me while his wife was there with his phone that night). Amazing how men can just flip the switch from loving you to you meaning nothing to them.
Author spiderowl Posted July 5, 2017 Author Posted July 5, 2017 Wow, Ahurtgirl, that's really crappy behaviour! Sorry you were treated like that. It seems some get involved in love talk and others don't. Has anyone ever done this while knowing all the time if it came to it they would choose their wife/husband over their lover?
compulsivedancer Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) We were both in long-term relationships. We agreed to a FWB-only scenario, but as things progressed, our encounters became more relationship-y. Toward the end I mentioned that if we kept going, there would be feelings involved, and he agreed, but that didn't stop anything. Neither of us had any interest or intention of leaving our SOS. I think that orgasms release powerful chemicals in the brain that help emotions form. If you sleep with someone long enough, there's a high chance of falling in love or at least developing feelings. Especially if you're making new memories with them and getting to know them at the same time. Edited July 6, 2017 by compulsivedancer 2
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