Second thoughts after break-up, feeling terrible

[ExposedBrick]

I just broke up with a girl after 3 months of dating last night, but I woke up having horrendous second thoughts.

 

Last night, we finally had a status talk. I asked her how she felt about me, she said confused, which was exactly how I felt. Both of us have very sarcastic personalities, so we hadn't had a lot of direct communication. She definitely has a mix of a sarcastic/sassy sense of humor, which I like, but she admittedly told me she isn't good with the emotional aspect of relationships or being vulnerable. Oddly, last night was one of the only times we both really let our guards down. We both talked about how we feel comfortable together/enjoy the others company, have chemistry, and physical attraction, but there seem to be a lack of depth(?emotional depth). I then asked her if she loved me and she said no, but she felt like she had started falling several times but it didn't stick. I felt exactly the same way. We decided it would be best not to see each other any more.

 

I now can't help but wonder if we had a more established line of direct communication, this wouldn't have happened. Oddly, when we had the talk I feel like I got a glimpse of her inner core which felt like the missing piece of the puzzle. It was one of only a few times we communicated without a shroud of sarcasm.

 

The week leading up to this I was feeling very confused and frustrated and the conversation needed to happen.

 

Should I just let this go and move on or does this seem like a fixable problem? I just can't help but wonder if we let go of our guarded stances things might be different and develop more depth. Any advice?

Edited July 1, 2017 by ExposedBrick

[smackie9]

No this communication just showed you two are not compatible to sustain a relaitonship.

 

It was never a problem that was to be "fixed"....just two people who are not right for each other.

 

This was just proper closure.

[ExposedBrick]

No this communication just showed you two are not compatible to sustain a relaitonship.

 

It was never a problem that was to be "fixed"....just two people who are not right for each other.

 

This was just proper closure.

 

Hmm, do you think it's possible we could change things to incorporate more direct communication and make a deeper connection?

 

It's hard to throw away physical attraction and chemistry...maybe we just need to work on this aspect?

[Versacehottie]

Hmm, do you think it's possible we could change things to incorporate more direct communication and make a deeper connection?

 

It's hard to throw away physical attraction and chemistry...maybe we just need to work on this aspect?

 

I don't think you have to throw it away. Perhaps try again. I think you will need to stay aware of the sarcastic thing though. Obviously you both feel the missing piece of emotional depth because you rarely go there. And when you do it all comes together. You don't have to change who you are necessarily but choose your moments more and hopefully she can do the same. Sometimes when you are vulnerable with the other person they will do the same. I don't think it's any secret to those of us that spend a decent amount of time around sarcastic people that it's a wall up/guard up. It's funny that it can leave the sarcastic one feeling empty too and keeps things surface-y for both. Now that you're aware, I think it could be worth a try with her. Good luck

[salparadise]

Hmm, do you think it's possible we could change things to incorporate more direct communication and make a deeper connection?

 

It's hard to throw away physical attraction and chemistry...maybe we just need to work on this aspect?

 

I agree with Versacehottie. The sarcasm thing isn't a good thing to hide behind in a relationship. It's the opposite of authenticity. Communication skills can be learned. If she's willing, get some good books and take a giant leap forward in your relationship skills.

 

Vulnerability is necessary. The ability to have good relationships is equal to the ability to tolerate and work through vulnerability. What happened last night is exactly what your life will be if you don't get a handle on this. Broken people run away because they can't tolerate it; healthy people name it, take about it, push through and go deeper.

[ExposedBrick]

I don't think you have to throw it away. Perhaps try again. I think you will need to stay aware of the sarcastic thing though. Obviously you both feel the missing piece of emotional depth because you rarely go there. And when you do it all comes together. You don't have to change who you are necessarily but choose your moments more and hopefully she can do the same. Sometimes when you are vulnerable with the other person they will do the same. I don't think it's any secret to those of us that spend a decent amount of time around sarcastic people that it's a wall up/guard up. It's funny that it can leave the sarcastic one feeling empty too and keeps things surface-y for both. Now that you're aware, I think it could be worth a try with her. Good luck

 

So it wasn't my imagination things felt stuck on the surface!?

 

Personally, when we first started dating, I was attracted to her but was scared she was too similar to a couple of my exes. Over time, I realized she wasn't the same type of person but still did feel a little unsure about things. The better I've got to know her the more I liked her actually. I just never had that head over heels type feeling, which made me concerned. Things seemed really easy between us. Oddly, we both said we were starting to catch feels at times but it never seemed to sustain.

 

How could we foster or determine if a deeper emotional connection is possible? Is that even possible or was this just one of those weird cases where its good but just not quite great?

[ExposedBrick]

I agree with Versacehottie. The sarcasm thing isn't a good thing to hide behind in a relationship. It's the opposite of authenticity. Communication skills can be learned. If she's willing, get some good books and take a giant leap forward in your relationship skills.

 

Vulnerability is necessary. The ability to have good relationships is equal to the ability to tolerate and work through vulnerability. What happened last night is exactly what your life will be if you don't get a handle on this. Broken people run away because they can't tolerate it; healthy people name it, take about it, push through and go deeper.

 

In the past, I didn't feel like I had trouble being vulnerable. I think her always acting sarcastic, such as when I complimented her, made it more difficult for me to become vulnerable with her. I'm not trying to place blame, but shutting down compliments and other forms of sarcasm I think did collectively make it harder to crack her open.

 

I was so surprised last night when I feel like she really peeled it all back. Is it too little to late? I thought about asking her if we could talk more, but I don't know what would fix the issue. How could things change?

[scooby-philly]

There's a huge difference my friend between use of Sarcasm as a person's main comedic style versus it being a defining personality trait. My closest friends, family members, and co-workers I have formed friendships over the years will tell you that I am highly sarcastic - but it's just part of my comedy/sense of humor. I'm not always sarcastic - and I know intuitively when to be serious or when to use a different humor technique. Sarcasm, like any other personality trait - can cross the line though to become a chronic habit - like a crutch. And you pointed to a very telling trait - a lot of people use sarcasm to deflect compliments. Hopefully, over time they learn to accept them even if at first it's totally awkward and uncomfortable. But....either a partner and/or life should break them of it at some point. But that tied in with the fact that you said she never showed you her "vulnerable" side means it's definitely gone from a sense of humor into a crutch.

 

I'd let this go for a while at least and give you and her some space - a week or two. I'd also think about maybe some spiritual guidance or therapy for you if you find it hard to let your guard down. Regardless of her response - either you're comfortable doing it or not - if it's honestly not been a problem in the past then it's a clear sign that maybe it's just her and that you two aren't meant for each other. If it's been a on/off issue - maybe worth investing some time into yourself.

[smackie9]

Hmm, do you think it's possible we could change things to incorporate more direct communication and make a deeper connection?

 

It's hard to throw away physical attraction and chemistry...maybe we just need to work on this aspect?

No.....................................

[salparadise]

I was so surprised last night when I feel like she really peeled it all back. Is it too little to late? I thought about asking her if we could talk more, but I don't know what would fix the issue. How could things change?

 

 

Both of you need to fix this in order to have relationships of depth and authenticity in the future, but there are two things going on... the vulnerability problem, and the tactics used to hold others at arm's length and mask feelings. So it really depends on mutual motivation, agreement as to the nature of the issues, willingness to strive for growth, and an underlying capacity to acquire and integrate emotional intelligence. The chance of all of this being present in both people at the same time are small I think, so I wouldn't bet the farm on a positive outcome... but if you're both willing to make a sincere effort then some amount of growth will probably happen.

 

How? Reading, patience, practice, therapy. You should do this for yourself regardless of whether she decides to participate.

[Versacehottie]

So it wasn't my imagination things felt stuck on the surface!?

 

Personally, when we first started dating, I was attracted to her but was scared she was too similar to a couple of my exes. Over time, I realized she wasn't the same type of person but still did feel a little unsure about things. The better I've got to know her the more I liked her actually. I just never had that head over heels type feeling, which made me concerned. Things seemed really easy between us. Oddly, we both said we were starting to catch feels at times but it never seemed to sustain.

 

How could we foster or determine if a deeper emotional connection is possible? Is that even possible or was this just one of those weird cases where its good but just not quite great?

 

Well maybe if you stay on the surface you are never really exploring the part of you that would make you feel head over heels. Time is a finite thing sooooo if you spend the majority of it on surface things with a bit of a wall up you never reach the deeper parts that might make you fall in love. I think in a way falling in love always involves wanting to see a future with the other person, which is hard enough to do when it's just you or your mind doesn't naturally go into the future that often rather it stays in the present. Not a good or a bad thing necessarily but maybe you need an element of wondering what the future would be like with her and wondering more about "who she is" at the core. Now i do think that it can be hard to "fall" if you keep your feelings and future at arms length but usually if the ball starts rolling due to another person (i.e. one you are dating and having feelings for) it will be more intense than something you can do if it's just for you (seeing into your own future). ugh, not explaining it well.

 

I think it's great if things felt natural and easy between you and her. I'd be a little concerned that the feelings on your part ebbed and flowed and didn't sustain. That might be your own mind trying to put a wall up to prevent you from feeling vulnerable or maybe "it's" just not there. Bottom line you may not have had enough information to make a decision about what IT was yet, given how you function. It's hard because the sarcastic wall thing can be deeply ingrained. It could be possible that it was good not great--I've had those as I'm sure lots of other people have had.

 

As far as how you foster deeper connection--well it seems like you both acknowledged it upon parting....so it may be as simple as stating it in your comeback to her if you were to go back. I think if people care putting it on the table can work wonders. Then you have to be open (if you got back together), take the little steps to say/do things that would indicates openness, tell her more about your deeper stuff & ask her questions about hers, say little things that are more romantic--they don't have to be overly serious at first, just stuff that you notice about her, and plant in talk that shows you have future stuff with her in mind. I think it usually builds, one building block at a time. Not everyone falls in love in the same way. That fact coupled with the way that both of you are a bit closed off (and that you guys broke it off) will make it different than other peoples experiences and may feel harder to you (maybe just opening up is hard for you in general if you think about it). I don't know if you will know until you try, whether it's with her or the next one. Good luck

[OatsAndHall]

So it wasn't my imagination things felt stuck on the surface!?

 

How could we foster or determine if a deeper emotional connection is possible? Is that even possible or was this just one of those weird cases where its good but just not quite great?

 

Things aren't "stuck" (i.e. not able to move deeper) on the surface; they're exactly where the two of you allowed them to be. If you want to foster a deeper connection, then the two of you need to communicate in that manner at times.

 

I can be bitterly sarcastic and dry (it's a defining character trait..) but I have learned to make sure to tone down the sarcasm and communicate how I feel about someone at times.

 

To me, it sounds like you two waited a long time to have a conversation that may or may not have needed to happen. And, that conversation took the things to DEFCON 5 in a hurry. You'd be surprised how far a few simple comments like "I really enjoy your company" or "I'm glad we're together", versus jumping into the "L word" discussion..

 

It sounds like you had/have a pretty good relationship on your hands and I would try to sort things out if I were you. Personally, I would get a hold of her and tell her you feel like it was a mistake and you don't want to give up on the relationship. The b-tch part of that conversation is not letting it jump the shark again. It can be something as simple as "I woke up this morning with a bad taste in my mouth from last night. I think we jumped the gun by calling it off. I have enjoyed the last three months we've had together and I think we can make this work. The worst that can happen is we kill each other". Finishing it up with some sarcasm will go a long way.

 

Also; HAVE THIS CONVERSATION OVER THE PHONE!! DON'T F-CKING DO IT OVER TEXT MESSAGE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!