Dstar Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) I met this guy on a dating site a few weeks ago. We have had 3 dates. He is my ideal type of guy. He said he had the instant attraction with me also and said I was his ideal type of woman. However I keep feeling in my gut he isn't as into me as I am into him. An example would be the other night I sent a message letting him know how I am feeling, and he saw it but never replied. Then when I questioned him the next day he said he had a really busy morning. Yet I saw that he had shared something on his page earlier. His actions and words don't match up. But when I confront him he says he fell for me the moment he saw me and he said dont get the wrong idea from his short messages. So I have backed off today and haven't messaged him to see what he would do. He messaged once to say 'Sorry he had to go to work' as if that was his excuse for not contacting me all day, but didn't chat much after that. He hasn't asked me much about myself, and doesn't seem as interested in me as I am with him. But he said he doesn't show his feelings much in words, but in actions instead. However I haven't seen either....He said he was going to send flowers, but didn't. He has cancelled one date with me at short notice and I have travelled to see him twice (he lives half an hour away) but he has not offered to come and see me. Am I wasting my time with this guy? I feel I am worth and deserve more, but worried I may be over-reacting? Maybe its too soon to jump to conclusions. I just keep hoping my gut instinct is wrong. But shouldn't the interest grow if you like someone? He seemed more interested in me before we met. Maybe I am not what he expected what wants to keep me around just in case. I know he physically likes me, but I am not sure I am what he wants emotionally. The worst part is we have slept together twice. My feelings have grown since, but I dont think his has Edited July 1, 2017 by Dstar
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 I'm afraid that I have to agree with you - he doesn't appear very interested anymore. You said you wrote to him and explained how you felt. What exactly did you say? I have a feeling he sensed you were getting attached already after 3 dates and is pulling a slow fade on you. In any case, I wouldn't reach out again. Interested men act interested and his actions demonstrate that he's not feeling it. 4
Arieswoman Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 Dstar, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this isn't going anywhere. He said he had the instant attraction with me also and said I was his ideal type of woman. And he knows that already? - pah ! His actions and words don't match up. Big red flag. But when I confront him he says he fell for me the moment he saw me More romantic mish-mash to get into your pants He said he was going to send flowers, but didn't. He has cancelled one date with me at short notice and I have travelled to see him twice (he lives half an hour away) but he has not offered to come and see me. ^^^ just read what you wrote Am I wasting my time with this guy? Yes ! The worst part is we have slept together twice. My feelings have grown since, but I dont think his has Yet another example of what happens when you "show the movie before the trailer" His interest is luke-warm at best. He's happy for you to drive half-an-hour to see him so he can have sex with you but he can't be bothered to drive to see you. Don't you think you deserve better than that? You need to block, delete and ignore this guy. Maybe you can learn from this not to be so quick to sleep with guys who are almost strangers. 5
Author Dstar Posted July 1, 2017 Author Posted July 1, 2017 Harsh reality but true I think.... Thanks guys for your honest thoughts and opinions. Appreciate your replies
Maggie4 Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 I think he's a goner. But I have to say, what you did in confronting him about not replying to your feelings-text, was enough to scare away a man. It's hen-pecking. No one can survive under scrutiny when you expect specific behavior, then confront when you didn't get what you wanted. He had to say something, then you stalked him online to check on his answer. It's miserable for both of you. Maybe you behaved this way because you slept with him too soon. Sounds like you were initially a match. I just wonder what could have been. 1
OpenBook Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 First of all, don't beat yourself up! Your heart was open and your actions were normal. It's just that guys don't respond & react the same way we do in romance. They are different animals altogether in that regard. They love the hunt and the mystery, and if a girl opens up to him too much/too fast in the beginning, their interest fades. The way a girl behaves in the beginning of the relationship sets the tone for the rest of it. If you're giving too much he'll just lay back and expect you to do all the work in nourishing the relationship from here on out. You have to train 'em early! Your best bet is to take your focus completely off this guy, and go on about the business of living. If you could catch his attention as an "ideal woman" like you did, there are likely bazillions of other guys who would also find you fabulous! Just go out there and DO YOU. You're going to be just fine. Love will come around again. 1
Gaeta Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 Here is a few things for next time you meet someone you like: I sent a message letting him know how I am feeling, and he saw it but never replied. You never talk about feelings to a guy you only went on 3 dates with. You can tell him you like him, you are looking forward to seeing him, you enjoy your time with him but nothing more! The 3 first dates are a test only to see if you like each other, there should not be ANY feelings involved. If for what ever reasons you are feeling something keep it to yourself. Then when I questioned him the next day he said he had a really busy morning. But when I confront him Do not question or confront a man you are not exclusive with, ever. Do not ask him where he was, if he saw your message, why he didn't reply, etc. NONE of this. Do NOT question a man you are not exclusive with. If he wants to text you he will, if he doesn't text it's because he does not want. Let a guy show you what he is made of. If you like it good, if you don't like it move on to next. This man is not interested in you anymore. He may have at first but it's gone now. Maybe you were too intrusive too early or maybe he was dating another woman and he prefers her. Do not contact him again. 2
Maggie4 Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 First of all, don't beat yourself up! She didn't beat herself up, at all. And I hope she's not the type who does that. The OP seems to have good self esteem, not down on herself, just upset with him. At least that's how I read it. We see totally different things. I thought she was a feisty one who needed to release him from her headlock, haha.
stillafool Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 One other thing when you have sex with a guy do it because that is what you want to do and have no regrets. Don't use sex as a way to reward a guy and then feel used. If you regret the sex it means that you had sex too soon and you weren't doing it for yourself but for him. That is what makes you feel used. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 All this for 3 dates? OMG. Sharing feelings over text was a mistake. Stop doing that. Feelings require face to face in person communication (video chat at least) but NEVER text or email. You chased way too hard. Back off. There is still a small possibility that he'll come back around but you have to stop thinking that you - the new GF -- come before work. Even as the wife you might not always come before work. Confronting him the next day after he didn't respond to your text by pointing out that you saw him post on social media may have given him the impression you are an unstable stalker. Daily communication at this very early stage also seems smothering to me. Combined with the other issues above, I'd be running for the door too. Power down to 2-3 contacts per week & 1-2 dates. People have lives & jobs. You have to give a new relationship time to see where it fits into the rest of your life. The rest of your life does not get permanently rearranged for the new relationship. I don't think you sleeping together too soon made him run. I do think you acting like sleeping together was a huge commitment made him start looking for the door. If sex means commitment to you, have a discussion about that before you hit the sheets. Communication styles vary too. I just sent my husband a fairly long (for me) 5 sentence text -- 4 sentences & a Q. He sent me a 1 word answer. I'm not calling a divorce attorney because I got a curt response from him at work. Take some deep breaths. Stop trying to overanalyze things. Enjoy what you have going on. I know it's hard. You like him. You are excited & you just want to go 100 mph because it's a great feeling but you can't let him see that side of you. You have to power down & be cool. 5
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 Just my take on this....YOU ONLY HAD 3 DATES. Slow it down with expressing your feelings and crap. You get clingy and needy....that is an instant turn off, and then the excuses "I'm kinda busy" start coming. Just stop it. 2
Imajerk17 Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) I hate to pile on but, yeah. I am sorry OP but I already knew where this was going when you said you sent him a message telling him how you felt after 3 dates. Next time, the first time you should be sharing your feelings with someone is in an *in-person*, *conversation* (both participate). You can later on send each other sappy messages but that is AFTER the relationship has been established. One person pouring their heart out for the first time, BOTH unilaterally AND electronically, almost never turns out well. Edited July 1, 2017 by Imajerk17 1
grays Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 Maybe you behaved this way because you slept with him too soon. Sounds like you were initially a match. I just wonder what could have been. You mean if she hadnt slept with him? Thats such a heartless story. "You could have had the relationship of your dreams but you ****ed it up before it got started because youre a tramp?" No. If he cant handle relating to each other like adults who're attracted to each other then that's on him. He ****ed up and isnt worth her time. If hes the type who's happy to be there having sex with her on the second date but then decides she's somehow not good enough for him because of it, hes the *******. One other thing when you have sex with a guy do it because that is what you want to do and have no regrets. Don't use sex as a way to reward a guy and then feel used. If you regret the sex it means that you had sex too soon and you weren't doing it for yourself but for him. That is what makes you feel used. Yes! OP, you said the worst part was that you had sex. Why was that so bad? Sounds to me like the sex might have been the best part. As for this obviously being over... First, I think theres at least a 90% chance its over just bc thats the nature of the internet dating beast. Its so unlikely for the stars to line up and my guess is probably three dates is where those relationships naturally crap out. But I dont agree that his behavior makes it obvious hes not into you. For a long time I tried to go with the idea that "if they like you, you will know it," but I dont think thats always true at all. Not everyone jumps in all willy nilly, some guys are more cautious and dont over communicate or see you every chance they get at first. For some of them it really does build up over time. Right now Im happily dating a guy who is acting very much like he likes me. Before we met and maybe for the first couple of weeks after we met, he acted crazy about me, then I couldnt tell what the hell was going on for a while. It wasnt feeling like he was into me. And then he cancelled on a third date and I lost my mind and told him it was over because as much as I liked him, there was nobody I was gonna sit home alone on a saturday night for. I threw an absolute fit and he called me back ten min later and said, ok, how bout if I finish up what Im doing real quick and come get you? I said that would be great, I really wanted to see him but it was our last date because Im never gonna trust him with my free time again. I dont know how its happened but now three months later things feel great with him. Hes definitely interested and wants to be with me and hes easy to communicate with and I dont have to be careful about **** (like telling him how I feel over text or whatever). It seems like every week is more solid than the one before. We may fizzle next week, but no matter how things look going forward, the "he really isnt into you" rule wasnt accurate in this case.
Author Dstar Posted July 1, 2017 Author Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) I will just say that before we actually met he was telling me constantly he was falling for me though we hadn't even met. Just from chatting. And said he has never met someone he has clicked with so soon. 2 or 3 times said he was falling for me. So that is why I felt it was safe to speak my feelings also as I had the notion in my head he felt the same. He seemed ALOT more into more before we met. Then after we met me the interest dropped off. I also told him i don't go around sleeping with guys on second dates unless I feel its going to go further and they feel the same. I thought he was on the same page. Because we were so smitten with eachother, he told me and we both agreed we would delete our dating profiles. I did but he didn't.. He made some excuse about not being able to work out how to do it. Which I now know he had no intention of doing. Edited July 1, 2017 by Dstar
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 It's a red flag when someone says they're falling for you before they've even met you. It suggests: A) a player who knows what to say to get a woman in bed B) someone who is impulsive and gets carried away C) a desperate soul D) a combination of the above. Don't take that assertion as a good sign next time. It's not. 2
Whodatdog Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 I will just say that before we actually met he was telling me constantly he was falling for me though we hadn't even met. Just from chatting. And said he has never met someone he has clicked with so soon. 2 or 3 times said he was falling for me. So that is why I felt it was safe to speak my feelings also as I had the notion in my head he felt the same. He seemed ALOT more into more before we met. Then after we met me the interest dropped off. I also told him i don't go around sleeping with guys on second dates unless I feel its going to go further and they feel the same. I thought he was on the same page. Because we were so smitten with eachother, he told me and we both agreed we would delete our dating profiles. I did but he didn't.. He made some excuse about not being able to work out how to do it. Which I now know he had no intention of doing. These are whats known as lines of BS. I guarantee you he says those same things to every girl he starts chatting with. Remember, talk is cheap. What they say to you, they will say to every other girl. Its what they do that determines their worth, not what they say. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Yup. You got played. He enjoys the chase. He has very little interest in a relationship. He said what you needed to hear to sleep with him.
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