I need some advice, I'm going crazy

July 1, 2017

Thank you

To answer someone else's question he had been divorced for 8 years when I met him.

Definitely agree that you shouldn't talk now. He knows how you are feeling.

Show him with actions that you are taking the pressure off, managing your own emotions. He will relax and things should improve. Good luck.

July 1, 2017

He was married 20 years and he divorced 8 years ago. That makes him over mid-50s. How old are you?

A man of that age should know by know how to manage his stress and should know how to communicate.

If he didn't date at all since his divorce and you feel he is still emotionally weak from it then he didn't deal at all with his past. Maybe he is serving you the same treatment he served his ex-wife.

July 1, 2017

I guess the consensus is I skip the talk for now. Ugh that's so hard but I believe you all are right. I'm just the type that needs to let it out, always have been and he knows this.

He's not your therapist. I mean this in a nice way--emotionally dumping may make you feel better, but that doesn't necessarily work for the other person. Certainly not in this case when your BF is extremely stressed out and barely coping himself. That's what friends, siblings, and therapists are for.

Right now, I have the impression that your BF is not just your boyfriend, but also your go-to for all your friendship and other relationship needs. He seems to be your only social outlet. That's unhealthy. You need a social circle. You can't depend on one person for everything. Plus what happens when the relationship ends, as most dating relationships do?

July 1, 2017

I don't think his or my age are relevant.

I don't think you should judge him based on his age. He was married very young.

As I mentioned, he did have one serious relationship after his divorced and she was unfaithful to him.

indont think I'm being "served" any sort of treatment. People are flawed, and no, I don't think he properly dealt with his emotions with his ex wife. So am I to not be with someone with as I mentioned previously, emoticon baggage?

In my experience all people have issues, it's about finding the right person with a set of issues you can navigate and work through.

Nobody is perfect, that just doesn't exist. And just because others might have more than the average person does not mean they aren't deserving of love.

He was married 20 years and he divorced 8 years ago. That makes him over mid-50s. How old are you?

A man of that age should know by know how to manage his stress and should know how to communicate.

If he didn't date at all since his divorce and you feel he is still emotionally weak from it then he didn't deal at all with his past. Maybe he is serving you the same treatment he served his ex-wife.

July 1, 2017

You are 100% accurate. I am not without blame here, I completely see that I'm a source of stress and anxiety for him. I see that now. I really appreciated the few of you whom have brought that to light.

He's not your therapist. I mean this in a nice way--emotionally dumping may make you feel better, but that doesn't necessarily work for the other person. Certainly not in this case when your BF is extremely stressed out and barely coping himself. That's what friends, siblings, and therapists are for.

Right now, I have the impression that your BF is not just your boyfriend, but also your go-to for all your friendship and other relationship needs. He seems to be your only social outlet. That's unhealthy. You need a social circle. You can't depend on one person for everything. Plus what happens when the relationship ends, as most dating relationships do?

July 1, 2017

So am I to not be with someone with as I mentioned previously, emoticon baggage?

Baggage and unsolved past issues are 2 different things.

Baggage is experience and hopefully wisdom out of it

Unsolved past issues will rut your relationship from the bottom up. Yes, we should all be with someone who's put their past to rest. If we don't we keep on repeating the same mistake over and over.

Wives of 20 years don't go out to cheat just for the heck of it. They do it because they are emotionally shut down by their husband. Something for you to keep in mind.

July 1, 2017

It's a nervous I don't know what to say to you chuckle. It definitely hurts but I can tell it's not malicious in Nature.

That was my impression too from your description. He didn't know how to handle all the crying and sobbing when there was nothing he could change about his work situation. Since you weren't picking up on his cues to stop, he eventually turned to the TV and nervous laughter to try and escape an extremely uncomfortable situation that wouldn't stop.

What was he supposed to say? He would quit his job? That wasn't realistic. He needs to pay his bills.

July 1, 2017

Wives of 20 years don't go out to cheat just for the heck of it. They do it because they are emotionally shut down by their husband. Something for you to keep in mind.

Wow! Just wow! Talk about jumping to unfounded conclusions. First, you have absolutely no idea what his marriage was like.

Second, even if he were the hellish human being that you seem to believe he was, there were numerous other options for the ex-wife besides cheating. Marriage counseling...divorce...for starters.

OP, once you find other social outlets, I suspect things will improve for you and ultimately for your relationship. He sounds like a decent guy going through a very difficult period. Unfortunately, you aren't in a place where you can give him the support he needs. That's okay. Focus on what you can control. Work on you, and it will help you both with your stress level and your relationship.

Best of luck.

July 1, 2017

That was my impression too from your description. He didn't know how to handle all the crying and sobbing when there was nothing he could change about his work situation. Since you weren't picking up on his cues to stop, he eventually turned to the TV and nervous laughter to try and escape an extremely uncomfortable situation that wouldn't stop.

What was he supposed to say? He would quit his job? That wasn't realistic. He needs to pay his bills.

I don't feel his new shedule is the problem. She said:

But still, I find him not interested in making time to be together. He goes to work, works out and goes to bed.

He has time to go to the gym but no time to devote to her?

OP about weekends?

My situation is worse than OP. My bf is gone 16 hours a day. He comes home at 10h30 each night. The difference? He does his very best to give me time, he goes to bed later, he drops at my office when he's downtown, once in a while he'll leave work a bit earlier, he tells me he missed me each time he comes in, and he always has plans for us for the weekend. His efforts here and there are making his heavy schedule tolerable for me.

July 1, 2017

He sounds like a decent guy going through a very difficult period. .

She said in her opening story this has been going on for months.

How long is long enough for a phase? a year? 20 years?

I would give a *phase* 6 months. Then it's not a phase anymore

July 1, 2017

I don't feel his new shedule is the problem. She said:

But still, I find him not interested in making time to be together. He goes to work, works out and goes to bed.

He has time to go to the gym but no time to devote to her?

Per jag's posts, the change occurred when his job changed. Also, to be clear, he does not go out to the gym. She posted that he works out in their home.

Edited July 1, 2017 by angel.eyes

July 1, 2017

Per jag's posts, the change occurred when his job changed. Also, to be clear, he does not go out to the gym. She posted that he works out in their home.

angel.eyes my goodness it's right under our nose I am not creating anything here.

he goes to work, works out and goes to bed. I've been depressed the past few months, spending a lot of alone time.

At the gym or working out at home not much difference. It's time he could cut a couple of times a week and make it a date night.

July 1, 2017

I completely agree, not the case here however. Sorry if I was unclear, his prior girlfriend before me(right after his divorce) was the one who cheated - not his ex wife.

His ex unfortunately, has some serious mental health and physical issues. He lived in the basement completely separate from her for the last 5 years of their marriage. From what I understand(and mind you I'm only hearing one side

Of the story and I realize that) she was emotionally abusive. Not to mention the 20k of credit cards she took out in his name which I can confirm. So although I don't have the full story there it seems like there were some real problems.

This guy is nothing but amazing to me and it's just unfortunate that we've come to a spot in the relationship where communication is lacking. I'm hopeful that with patience and understanding we will grow from this.

But I am not and will never be treated in any way that I perceive as negative. No matter who it is. I don't have the rose colored glasses on, I'm pretty self aware and I will move on if I must. But for now I need to give it a chance and see where things go.

I sincerely appreciate everyone who has responded.

Baggage and unsolved past issues are 2 different things.

Baggage is experience and hopefully wisdom out of it

Unsolved past issues will rut your relationship from the bottom up. Yes, we should all be with someone who's put their past to rest. If we don't we keep on repeating the same mistake over and over.

Wives of 20 years don't go out to cheat just for the heck of it. They do it because they are emotionally shut down by their husband. Something for you to keep in mind.

July 1, 2017

You are spot on. That's exactly the feeling I got. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt a little but I agree with you.

That was my impression too from your description. He didn't know how to handle all the crying and sobbing when there was nothing he could change about his work situation. Since you weren't picking up on his cues to stop, he eventually turned to the TV and nervous laughter to try and escape an extremely uncomfortable situation that wouldn't stop.

What was he supposed to say? He would quit his job? That wasn't realistic. He needs to pay his bills.

July 1, 2017

Jag98, thank you for clarifying the ex-wife versus ex-gf.

Men are problem solvers. They hate conversations about feelings and loneliness. You need to appeal to his problem solving.

I would offer him a solution.

You said he works, comes home, works out and goes to bed. About he cuts on his working out 2 times a week and turn it into a date night?

July 1, 2017

I've been spending a lot of alone time because he is busy with work and I have a 3 day weekend every week. As I'm reading I feel like I'm more of the issue here not him.

I think it's sound advice for me to continue our status quo and for me to find different outlets if I'm feeling lonely and depressed sitting in the house all alone.

I think once I'm better emotionally he will want to make more of the effort. It's not healthy clinging on to him for my every need and that is what I'm doing.

QUOTE=Gaeta;7354133]angel.eyes my goodness it's right under our nose I am not creating anything here.

he goes to work, works out and goes to bed. I've been depressed the past few months, spending a lot of alone time.

At the gym or working out at home not much difference. It's time he could cut a couple of times a week and make it a date night.

July 1, 2017

Very good idea and I know he would be fine with that, however when I go to bed around 8pm because I wake up for work at 4am it makes things difficult. I'm realizing I need to be more understanding and flexible.

I'm really getting the impression that I'm just overwhelming him with my emotions and for a guy that doesn't speak about feelings I can imagine what he's thinking.

Jag98, thank you for clarifying the ex-wife versus ex-gf.

Men are problem solvers. They hate conversations about feelings and loneliness. You need to appeal to his problem solving.

I would offer him a solution.

You said he works, comes home, works out and goes to bed. About he cuts on his working out 2 times a week and turn it into a date night?

July 1, 2017

Now I know you think age is irrelevant but it is.

A man in his mid-50s ( I am guessing it's his age as you don't want to reveale your ages) does not recuperates his energy as quickly as a man your age. If you are looking at a long term relationship with him you need to expect his energy level to decline gradualy from here. It risks not being enough for a younger woman. If you were his age you'd probably be happy he is low energy during the week nights because yourself would be declining energy wise.

I am 51, my bf is 50. All day Saturday we talk about dinner out then grabbing a movie, by 7pm we look at each other and say Nah! lets just stay home and watch a movie on the Internet. It pleases both of us because we are both exhausted, if I were lets say 30 I'd feel pretty neglected.

July 1, 2017

Ok, we are getting a better picture here.

You need to go to bed at 8pm.

What time does he get back home from work? Does he work weekends?

July 1, 2017

I recall a similar scenario (BF promoted at work, spending less time together, etc.).

My solution at the time? I got a cat:laugh:

If you come from a place of complaint, it tends to works against you.

(I.E. if he is exhausted, and you are in a highly emotional state, it facilitates a response on his part to be less likely wanting to interact with you).

He wants support from you, not pressure.

You want support from him, not isolation.

Perhaps you can both reach a mutual agreement during this down time (one that involves problem solving as partners seeking a cooperative solution).

I get where you are coming from, but I also get where he is coming from too.

And, I know it's hard to see that when you're in the "thick of it".

July 1, 2017

I'm fine with low energy, I'm a self proclaimed old lady. I love being at home with my animals and a good book. It's just when you have a partner and a 3 day weekend every week and you're alone for the majority of them each month it gets depressing. Is one day a month together an unrealistic expectation? My idea of a good time is dinner and a movie, my expectations aren't high.

But who would want to make the effort when your gf is a clingy crybaby lately?

Now I know you think age is irrelevant but it is.

A man in his mid-50s ( I am guessing it's his age as you don't want to reveale your ages) does not recuperates his energy as quickly as a man your age. If you are looking at a long term relationship with him you need to expect his energy level to decline gradualy from here. It risks not being enough for a younger woman. If you were his age you'd probably be happy he is low energy during the week nights because yourself would be declining energy wise.

I am 51, my bf is 50. All day Saturday we talk about dinner out then grabbing a movie, by 7pm we look at each other and say Nah! lets just stay home and watch a movie on the Internet. It pleases both of us because we are both exhausted, if I were lets say 30 I'd feel pretty neglected.

July 1, 2017

He works a rotating schedule where he is on for 4 days off 2, but he wasn't sat

Least 2 overtime shifts per week. With the new job it fluctuates between 2-4 extra overtime shifts. He works days but overtime tends to be from 4:00-midnight or from midnight to 8am.

However he has at least 2 weekends "free" per month so I'm asking him to keep one day open a month. Is that realistic?

Ok, we are getting a better picture here.

You need to go to bed at 8pm.

What time does he get back home from work? Does he work weekends?

July 1, 2017

But who would want to make the effort when your gf is a clingy crybaby lately?

It takes 2 to tango. You cannot take full responsibility for his short coming here. Yes being emotional and pressuring him is not a woman's best plan BUT he is also part of this relationship and if he can't *talk* about his feelings he could at least *listen*. A good partner is one that has at heart the happiness of the other. Your bf knows you are unhappy but won't offer solution.

That being said some men, especially older generation, can be quite emotionally shut down. In that case lead him to find a solution with you.

July 1, 2017

You've hit the nail on the head, I don't want to feel isolated. It's almost like if we were emotionally connected/on the same page, I'd feel less lonely if that makes any sense? But I feel that because of the new job he doesn't have the capacity to have meaningful conversations anymore. Maybe I need to give it a few more months until he is settled at work and he can have a moment to catch his breath.

I recall a similar scenario (BF promoted at work, spending less time together, etc.).
My solution at the time? I got a cat:laugh:

If you come from a place of complaint, it tends to works against you.
(I.E. if he is exhausted, and you are in a highly emotional state, it facilitates a response on his part to be less likely wanting to interact with you).

He wants support from you, not pressure.
You want support from him, not isolation.

Perhaps you can both reach a mutual agreement during this down time (one that involves problem solving as partners seeking a cooperative solution).

I get where you are coming from, but I also get where he is coming from too.
And, I know it's hard to see that when you're in the "thick of it".

July 1, 2017

You're right, it does take two. So how do I help him find that solution with me without telling him what I need? Lol what a mind f**k.

It takes 2 to tango. You cannot take full responsibility for his short coming here. Yes being emotional and pressuring him is not a woman's best plan BUT he is also part of this relationship and if he can't *talk* about his feelings he could at least *listen*. A good partner is one that has at heart the happiness of the other. Your bf knows you are unhappy but won't offer solution.

That being said some men, especially older generation, can be quite emotionally shut down. In that case lead him to find a solution with you.

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