I need some advice, I'm going crazy

July 1, 2017

Anyone with some serious advice would be so appreciated right now. I don't know where to begin...

First, a little background. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years, in that time we have been living together for almost the entire time of our relationship and have purchased a house together a year ago. Things progressed fast, he has been divorced and we both knew exactly what we wanted and our lives fit together effortlessly. He is a very realistic, intelligent and moral man that I trust completely, I am younger than he but very like minded and mature. Our relationship felt very easy and it just felt as cliche as it sounds, like it was meant to be. I'm not one to have a serious relationship and I couldn't imagine my life without him so to me this is it. The person that I want to spend the rest of my life with and I know he feels the same.

Fast forward to now, I'm on my second night of not sleeping, I'm in our bed alone while he is sleeping on the downstairs couch after a bottle of wine. I saw

Him for literally 10 mins today, that's it. How can a relationship sustain this? He's had a recent promotion, and lots of added work pressure and extra hours. But still, I find him not interested in making time to be together. He goes to work, works out and goes to bed. I've been depressed the past few months, spending a lot of alone time. Expressing my concerns to him with him not knowing how to respond.

Basically, we don't see each other much and I've become insecure and very very sad. I've cried to him pouring my heart out and he becomes uncomfortable, laughs, says he doesn't know what to tell me, it has nothing to do with me, it's work, he's sorry I'm sad etc etc.

All I know is that I'm so sad, beyond sad. He isn't a great communicator and I like to talk things out to resolve issues.

I can't keep coming to him sobbing anymore, he isn't responding. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to give him space but I'm so sad that I don't have my partner. 2 days ago when I came to him upset because he had been distant and crabby when he came home from after work, he was nervous laughing and flipping through the tv channels while I cried and begged him to talk to me and tell me what's wrong. After much silence I went on my room crying and we haven't spoke of it since. This is not the first time something like this has happened.

The past few months have been the worst and I can't seem to fix it. Meanwhile I continue to do his laundry, make his lunches for the week, figure out dinner every night, clean our house, buy coffee and bring it to him at work occasionally...which is what I usually do for him but I can't help but feel being taken for granted.

I know the new job is stressful and taking the majority of his time but why am I being pushed away in the process?

What do I do?

Edited July 1, 2017 by Jag98

July 1, 2017

I know you love him but first off you need to stop doing his laundry, stop bringing him coffee, and stop begging for him. It's not going to help anything. =/ If someone doesn't want to be your partner anymore there's not much you can do about it except try and talk to them, which you've already done. It's time to demonstrate you not being his partner either and seeing if that's what he really wants.

Work is no excuse for that kind of behavior. No matter what's going on.

July 1, 2017

Jag: You have been enduring this for months and he is unwilling to make an effort, even worse he LAUGHS at you while you are nearby crying. That is disrespectul and plain cruel.

It sounds since you got that house he takes you for granted. Moving in together is a big step that too many people take lightly. It was a bit of a rush to buy a house together after only 1 year together. Now you see his real face.

This situation is unviable. I think at this point you need to terminate this. What a fool to think he'll keep a younger woman around by treating her this way.

I hope all of your papers are in order concerning the house. You only bought it last year so there is probably no equity on it yet unless you put a big cash down on it. If so he needs to buy you out.

July 1, 2017

Maybe he needs to be single then...

I'm sorry, but it's one thing to have a new job and feel tired and stressed out from work. It's quite another not to listen to your concerns and belittle your feelings.

I'm sure that you don't want to leave him. I don't know that he's giving you any other choice. The prospect of losing you may actually wake him up to the situation. Or, he may not care to fight for you which shows you something equally important.

Either way, stop doing his laundry, and making his lunches, and making his life easy. Not if he's treating you badly and showing little awareness or remorse for how he is making you feel.

July 1, 2017

Hi Jag! I'm sorry to hear you're so stressed. Do you have hobbies? Friends that you see or hang with on a regular basis? Do you work?

Your boyfriend just started in a new role. He's working really long hours and totally stressed as he tries to master what's now required of him. Instead of home being a haven where he gets support and can recover mentally and physically before heading back for another long day at work, he's now facing more of the same at home. Basically from your behavior, you're telling him you want him to quit his job or at least this new role that he probably really wanted, just so that you can spend more time with him. If you can, try to put yourself in his shoes for a second. How would you feel? Are your expectations realistic under the current circumstances?

I know for me personally, I'm actually pretty excited when my boyfriend gets super busy because I get more me time. I get to spend more time with my friends. I get to spend more time on my hobbies and interests. I get to play more tennis. I go to the gym daily and for longer sessions. I get to do stuff I like but he doesn't. My boyfriend is less than thrilled when work makes me less available, but he happily finds other things to do--sees his friends, cleans house, gets his car detailed, watches baseball, etc.

You're either going to have to find ways to amuse yourself without him when he's exhausted from work, or you're incompatible and your relationship will fail.

July 1, 2017

How old is he and how old are you?

LEAVE! Why are you still there? You are not married to this man. Pack your bags and go. He is not going to change this is who he is and if you want to waste your youth crying then stay there.

July 1, 2017

Try believing him that the initial source of him pulling away is work stress. Unfortunately your insecurities have compounded the problem. Running after him sniveling & begging for his attention when he has so few reserves of his own make you very unattractive. Then he pulls farther away because you are a source of tension, not relief from his work stress.

I was you & at times have felt myself back there again.

If you want him back you have to change. Do something to make yourself happy. Get therapy to address your depression. Do your hair. Take care of yourself. Go out with your friends. Take a class. Get a hobby. Find a way to make yourself a loving happy person but don't involve him. Just do it. Ignore him. Not in a mean way but don't chase. Act like things are normal. Make dinner. Set the table. Do your routine & find reasons to enjoy yourself. When he again views you as something other than a depressed albatross hanging around his neck -- as someone he can lean on -- rather than him always having to bear the full load of all his stress AND yours, he should find his way back to you.

When I stopped acting like an emotional drain and was able to share the burden of my guys' emotional needs, they settled back in and we returned to a shared team strategy but when I was all take, take take, they ran. My husband has put up with me being severely depressed for more than 1/2 our marriage but I don't dump on him. He's not the cause of my stress / depression / anxiety so I don't expect him to be the solution. When it's really bad he'll hold me when I cry but my professional medical therapist gets the full on emotional surge, not him. That separation keeps him close.

If he doesn't come back when you are more pleasant to be around, he has fallen out of love or there is a another woman. Then you have to figure out how to extricate yourself from the mortgage & get out. This is exactly why buying a house too soon with somebody you are not married to is a bad idea. If he wants out, can you afford this house / mortgage on your own? Can he?

July 1, 2017

Thank you all for your input, I sincerely appreciate it.

First off, I'm not about to pack my bags and break up over our first real issue. I think we all have emotional baggage and this is his and this is mine. I have made him the center of my world and visa versa. I do agree that I'm draining what reserves he has when he comes home. Unfortunately, I don't have many extra activities I'm accustomed to but I do agree that's what I should do. Make myself busy.

Please understand that all the things I do for him he has NEVER asked me for or expects from me. They are things I do for Him because he does so much for me. Anything I need from him he never hesitates or asks questions he just does it to make me happy. We have done that from the very beginning and it works and I never feel burdened.

I think he has a hard time dealing with stress, not that it's an excuse and he did have a pretty traumatic past marriage of 20 years and he dealt with infidelity in his first relationship after divorce. Needless to say he is emotionally fragile and I knew that from the start. I think the problem lies in communicating. He tenses up and feels personally responsible for my happiness. So when I've dumped my emotional insecurities on him he doesn't know how to find a solution.

He's an old school type that doesn't believe in speaking about feelings. I think working through this issue rather than being so quick to leave someone is best.

Any tips on having him open up? I plan on speaking to him one last time and just telling him how I feel without pointing the finger. I need to get it off my chest, it's just not in me to keep things bottled up. And I'll see how he responds and go from there.

Please feel free to leave your thoughts.

July 1, 2017

If you want to communicate with him STOP CRYING and getting all huffy and emotional. That is what is making him shut down. KEEP CALM.

Next, ask him if he wants to end this relationship...yes it's time to ask this question. He will have no choice but to start a conversation.

July 1, 2017

Ummmm OP do you not work/have a job? If you don't maybe you should go and get one. Nothing develops self worth more than earning a living on your own.

July 1, 2017

Thank you all for your input, I sincerely appreciate it.

First off, I'm not about to pack my bags and break up over our first real issue. I think we all have emotional baggage and this is his and this is mine. I have made him the center of my world and visa versa. I do agree that I'm draining what reserves he has when he comes home. Unfortunately, I don't have many extra activities I'm accustomed to but I do agree that's what I should do. Make myself busy.

Please understand that all the things I do for him he has NEVER asked me for or expects from me. They are things I do for Him because he does so much for me. Anything I need from him he never hesitates or asks questions he just does it to make me happy. We have done that from the very beginning and it works and I never feel burdened.

I think he has a hard time dealing with stress, not that it's an excuse and he did have a pretty traumatic past marriage of 20 years and he dealt with infidelity in his first relationship after divorce. Needless to say he is emotionally fragile and I knew that from the start. I think the problem lies in communicating. He tenses up and feels personally responsible for my happiness. So when I've dumped my emotional insecurities on him he doesn't know how to find a solution.

He's an old school type that doesn't believe in speaking about feelings. I think working through this issue rather than being so quick to leave someone is best.

Any tips on having him open up? I plan on speaking to him one last time and just telling him how I feel without pointing the finger. I need to get it off my chest, it's just not in me to keep things bottled up. And I'll see how he responds and go from there.

Please feel free to leave your thoughts.

In this case, it would seem that the problem is not only your boyfriend. It will take some pressure off if you find something to do, make some new friends, develop some interests that are separate from your relationship... If you don't work, find someone to do during the day - find a job or volunteer. It's never good to make someone else the centre of your world - that's a lot of pressure. If you want it to work, you need to give him some space.

I may suggest that when you talk with him, give him some very simple things that he can do to help you to feel loved. For example, a date night once a week. Or, a cuddle before bed every night. Or, a call during the day just to check in and connect with each other. Nothing too demanding, just something he can do that doesn't take much time or energy, but will help you to feel appreciated and secure in your relationship.

July 1, 2017

I was thinking......if he is going to the gym, why not join him? Then go out for dinner after? Why should you be putting dinner on the table every night.

July 1, 2017

He already knows you're unhappy. Right now, there's nothing he can do to fix that short of quitting his job. I wouldn't rehash the obvious again. That's just beating a dead horse and pushing him even further away when he already has more than he can handle on his plate.

It's summer. What do you like to do? What has fallen by the wayside since you got in this relationship? When was the last time you connected with your friends? It sounds like you lost you in this relationship. You now have a golden opportunity to re-explore your own interests. Since your BF is stuck at work, I would let him know that you're going to be off doing XYZ on Monday evening since he has a late night, but you'll be back at 9 or whenever he gets home so that you can have dinner together. That's just an example.

I'm curious. Do you work?

July 1, 2017

I completely agree that I am part of the problem. I do work full time with Friday-Sunday off. He works anywhere from 50-70 hours a week. That's why I feel so lonely. I feel like there should be SOME effort to make some time for each other. His time off schedule is much more flexible than mine.

That's the first thing I'm doing is joining a gym, he lifts weights at work and then does cardio from home on our One machine. So I don't know if going to the gym together is doable.

I also joined a local women's Meetup group, I just have to muster the courage to go to an activity. I'm not a girls girl and I find it more enjoyable to

Stay at home with my dogs and read lol. But I am determined to go and see what it's all about.

July 1, 2017

First off, I'm not about to pack my bags and break up over our first real issue. I think we all have emotional baggage and this is his and this is mine. I have made him the center of my world and visa versa. I do agree that I'm draining what reserves he has when he comes home. Unfortunately, I don't have many extra activities I'm accustomed to but I do agree that's what I should do. Make myself busy.

* * *

I think he has a hard time dealing with stress, not that it's an excuse and he did have a pretty traumatic past marriage of 20 years and he dealt with infidelity in his first relationship after divorce. Needless to say he is emotionally fragile and I knew that from the start. I think the problem lies in communicating. He tenses up and feels personally responsible for my happiness. So when I've dumped my emotional insecurities on him he doesn't know how to find a solution.

He's an old school type that doesn't believe in speaking about feelings. I think working through this issue rather than being so quick to leave someone is best.

Any tips on having him open up? I plan on speaking to him one last time and just telling him how I feel without pointing the finger. I need to get it off my chest, it's just not in me to keep things bottled up. And I'll see how he responds and go from there.

I am married to an Irish Marine. Feelings are the enemy.

It's taken me a decade, but in time he will open up. You simply have to give him a safe space to do that & when you are emotional, it's a landmine so he will shut down further.

My advice: hold off on the conversation. If you have never read it flip through Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus about gender communication & problem solving. Since you say you can't "kepe things bottled up" don't but talk to a BFF, your mom, us, your pets, anybody but him.

As healthy as talking is, it won't fix this right now. Action on your part will fix this.

You two can be the center of each other's world but you both need other things, other friends, activities & interests to keep things balanced & interesting. You can't be 100% of everything for each other. So right now, you need to find other things that make you happy. If you don't work, get a job. (OK that might not make you happy but it will give you a sense of accomplishment which is important to mental well being). Find a hobby. I know I have to get back to the gym because I do feel happier when I work out.

Give yourself some time to make the changes. Let him see the changes. Then have the conversation.

July 1, 2017

T
He's an old school type that doesn't believe in speaking about feelings. .

But he beleives in laughing at you while you are vulnerable and crying.

July 1, 2017

I cross posted with your # 14. I think those are all good strategies.

Don't push the gym togetherness but do see if he'll take the dogs for a walk with you.

July 1, 2017

Join a book club since you like to read. Join a meetup for dog owners who hike with their pets. Lots of options out there.

July 1, 2017

But he beleives in laughing at you while you are vulnerable and crying.

Wait? What? Where did he do that? That is very bad and mean.

When my anti feelings DH sees me crying & vulnerable he just looks like I handed him a grenade with the pin pulled. He doesn't laugh at me. I had to point blank tell him that when I'm crying I don't need him to fix it, but I do need him to hold me, hug me & let me get his shirt all wet with my tears. It took him a while (years) to completely believe that helped.

July 1, 2017

I guess the consensus is I skip the talk for now. Ugh that's so hard but I believe you all are right. I'm just the type that needs to let it out, always have been and he knows this.

Gym it is, I'm a fat ass anyways.

I definitely relate your husband to my boyfriend...very similar way of thinking. We have shared so much of our painful beginnings I guess I thought that openness would translate into easy communication between us. Ugh.

I am married to an Irish Marine. Feelings are the enemy.

It's taken me a decade, but in time he will open up. You simply have to give him a safe space to do that & when you are emotional, it's a landmine so he will shut down further.

My advice: hold off on the conversation. If you have never read it flip through Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus about gender communication & problem solving. Since you say you can't "kepe things bottled up" don't but talk to a BFF, your mom, us, your pets, anybody but him.

As healthy as talking is, it won't fix this right now. Action on your part will fix this.

You two can be the center of each other's world but you both need other things, other friends, activities & interests to keep things balanced & interesting. You can't be 100% of everything for each other. So right now, you need to find other things that make you happy. If you don't work, get a job. (OK that might not make you happy but it will give you a sense of accomplishment which is important to mental well being). Find a hobby. I know I have to get back to the gym because I do feel happier when I work out.

Give yourself some time to make the changes. Let him see the changes. Then have the conversation.

July 1, 2017

It's a nervous I don't know what to say to you chuckle. It definitely hurts but I can tell it's not malicious in Nature.

July 1, 2017

I would like to remind the galery that this has been going on for months.

Jag: how long was he divorcced when you met?

I am sorry I don't buy the stress excuse. All of us are under stress, some of us work 2 jobs, some of us are working full time and study full time, and it does not make us ignorant and incensitive. When he comes back from home he should be glad there is a younger loving woman there waiting for him.

July 1, 2017

OK. Nervous laughter is not cruel.

Focus on the dogs.

If you let him settle down, things should be OK.

July 1, 2017

Definitely agree that you shouldn't talk now. He knows how you are feeling.

Show him with actions that you are taking the pressure off, managing your own emotions. He will relax and things should improve. Good luck.

July 1, 2017

No not cruel at all, he has never come close to doing anything out of spite or maliciousness.

My dogs are elderly so they don't really have vigorous activity left in them.

I'll stick to trying the gym.

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