girlyoulost Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 After almost 2 years of relationship, my ex boyfriend decided he wanted to break up with me out of the blue without a proper explanation. He initiated the break up through a text message and claimed he couldn’t bring himself to do it in front of me because he knew that I would’ve ended up crying and he did not want to see that. I was shocked by his sudden decision and, even worse, how insensitive he was acting towards me. I considered myself a good girlfriend and never once did I ever treated him as poorly as the way he was treating me… I can honestly say I felt more hurt by all this than the actual break up. Well, after trying (and failing) to convince him in having a more mature conversation with me, because ending a long relationship with a simple text was just stupid and disrespectful towards me and what we used to have, I accepted the break up and stopped talking to him. 3 days later, I ran into him having coffee with another girl (when he told me he wanted to be single for a while, that sure was fast…) who later became his new girlfriend. Later on, I discovered through his mother – who was very upset about his decision and confessed she saw in me the daughter-in-law of her dreams - that his true reason for breaking up was, not because he fell out of love, but because we were dating for too long and he didn’t want to settle for anyone this early (we are both 23yo). Fast forward 4 months, I started to hang out again with some of our mutual friends who I haven’t been with since the break up, and sometimes he would be there with them (without his girl, thank god!). They made me feel at ease with them as they all disapprove his new relationship and say that he made a terrible mistake for leaving me. I’m nice and social with everyone in the group, except with my ex when he is also present. I don’t treat him bad or anything, I just try to be civil, distance myself from him and avoid making any conversation or eye contact. I don’t really feel like I should talk to him as he betrayed my trust once and treated me poorly. There are times where he seems to also avoid me, while he has no difficulty in interacting with the others, and there are also moments where it feels like he is doing things to get my attention (one of his closest friend believes that he is starting to regret leaving me for the other girl). My question is, taking into account what I felt during the break up and the way he treated me back then, am I acting wrong/in a very immature way by ignoring him completely, even in person? I’m just doing whatever I think will help me move on and prevent me from feeling broken again. I think that none of this would’ve happened if we ended things in better terms. Maybe I would even consider start talking to him and restart our friendship if he apologized for the way he acted when we broke up. We are neighbours btw, so apart from sharing mutual friends, we are doomed to eventually run into each other as long as we live on the same street (neither of us can move out). But honestly I don't think he would apologize any time soon as he is too stubborn to do such thing. I don’t want to get back together with him, but I’m afraid that this coldness towards each other might have an effect on the friendship we share with our mutual friends. So, in your opinion, should I keep this attitude towards him until he decides to give the first step to restablish our friendship, or should I be the one to slowly start to change my behavior by the time I'm completly over him? Thank you all for your time and sorry for the long post
Arieswoman Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) Girlyou lost, He initiated the break up through a text message and claimed he couldn’t bring himself to do it in front of me because he knew that I would’ve ended up crying and he did not want to see that. Your bf is a disrespectful, insensitive a-hole - be glad he's gone. 3 days later, I ran into him having coffee with another girl (when he told me he wanted to be single for a while, that sure was fast…) who later became his new girlfriend. ^^ Forget what his mother says - here's the real reason he ended the r/ship. The guy is an out-and-out cheat and liar and is quite blatant about it! am I acting wrong/in a very immature way by ignoring him completely, even in person? I’m just doing whatever I think will help me move on and prevent me from feeling broken again Not at all. You need time away from him to heal. Personally I would avoid these meetings if you know he's going. Can you make some new friends and spend time with them instead? So, in your opinion, should I keep this attitude towards him until he decides to give the first step to restablish our friendship Yes. And I would think very carefully about even being friends with someone who is so cruel and disrespectful. "When someone shows you who they are - believe them" I am sorry this has happened to you. x Edited July 1, 2017 by Arieswoman 5
Chin Up Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 The guy sounds like a punk. Text msg breakup? How manly, Tsk. Stay away from him for a while. And by while I mean at least 6 months. While you've accepted it's over and he wronged you, you're still too preoccupied with what he thinks. When you're truly over him, you won't wonder these things because you won't care. Don't talk/ask about him with your mutual friends anymore(believe me, if they're blabbing to you, they're blabbing to him) it shows you still care (which is fine, but he doesn't need to know that lol) and his egos blowing up. Not sure where I heard this "he who cares the least, holds the most power." is Sooo true. We all blubber how our ex doesn't seem like they care. Some don't, but most usually do, and they're taking steps to move on by dropping off the face of our earth. Return the sentiment and avoid him like the plague. You'll be glad when you wake up realize you really don't care what he thinks anymore, and you'll even be able to smile, wave and say hi to him and not worry about it because he's old news. 2
Maldives Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 After almost 2 years of relationship, my ex boyfriend decided he wanted to break up with me out of the blue without a proper explanation. He initiated the break up through a text message and claimed he couldn’t bring himself to do it in front of me because he knew that I would’ve ended up crying and he did not want to see that. I was shocked by his sudden decision and, even worse, how insensitive he was acting towards me. I considered myself a good girlfriend and never once did I ever treated him as poorly as the way he was treating me… I can honestly say I felt more hurt by all this than the actual break up. Well, after trying (and failing) to convince him in having a more mature conversation with me, because ending a long relationship with a simple text was just stupid and disrespectful towards me and what we used to have, I accepted the break up and stopped talking to him. 3 days later, I ran into him having coffee with another girl (when he told me he wanted to be single for a while, that sure was fast…) who later became his new girlfriend. Later on, I discovered through his mother – who was very upset about his decision and confessed she saw in me the daughter-in-law of her dreams - that his true reason for breaking up was, not because he fell out of love, but because we were dating for too long and he didn’t want to settle for anyone this early (we are both 23yo). Fast forward 4 months, I started to hang out again with some of our mutual friends who I haven’t been with since the break up, and sometimes he would be there with them (without his girl, thank god!). They made me feel at ease with them as they all disapprove his new relationship and say that he made a terrible mistake for leaving me. I’m nice and social with everyone in the group, except with my ex when he is also present. I don’t treat him bad or anything, I just try to be civil, distance myself from him and avoid making any conversation or eye contact. I don’t really feel like I should talk to him as he betrayed my trust once and treated me poorly. There are times where he seems to also avoid me, while he has no difficulty in interacting with the others, and there are also moments where it feels like he is doing things to get my attention (one of his closest friend believes that he is starting to regret leaving me for the other girl). My question is, taking into account what I felt during the break up and the way he treated me back then, am I acting wrong/in a very immature way by ignoring him completely, even in person? I’m just doing whatever I think will help me move on and prevent me from feeling broken again. I think that none of this would’ve happened if we ended things in better terms. Maybe I would even consider start talking to him and restart our friendship if he apologized for the way he acted when we broke up. We are neighbours btw, so apart from sharing mutual friends, we are doomed to eventually run into each other as long as we live on the same street (neither of us can move out). But honestly I don't think he would apologize any time soon as he is too stubborn to do such thing. I don’t want to get back together with him, but I’m afraid that this coldness towards each other might have an effect on the friendship we share with our mutual friends. So, in your opinion, should I keep this attitude towards him until he decides to give the first step to restablish our friendship, or should I be the one to slowly start to change my behavior by the time I'm completly over him? Thank you all for your time and sorry for the long post U r absolutly doing the right thing. I work wth my ex and I do the same i dont keep doors open for her or nothing why shld we they ripped our heart out keep ignoring him 1
dumbass2 Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 He deserves nothing from you. 2 years and break up by text? That's all you need to know about him. He doesn't give a crap about you, it was best and easiest for him that way. Please please keep doing what you are because he's not even a friend. I don't care if he is a neighbor, you should not be friendly with him. And he was with another girl right away to top it off. 1
whatnot Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) deleted... Edited July 1, 2017 by whatnot the post would change nothing
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 So, in your opinion, should I keep this attitude towards him until he decides to give the first step to restablish our friendship, or should I be the one to slowly start to change my behavior by the time I'm completly over him? Why do you have to change? You are the aggrieved party here. I'd freeze him out 'till hell froze over. At best be civil. No need to be affirmatively mean but you are certainly not required to be nice. BTW you can't have a friendship. At best you can be civil. 25 years after the fact I am now in a position where I have to work with (not in the same company but in collaboration with) an EX. We're civil, even pleasant. He solved a problem for me last month. I was grateful. But we're not friends. We don't call to chat. We don't hang out. We communicate as necessary to deal with the project & move on. 2
Author girlyoulost Posted July 2, 2017 Author Posted July 2, 2017 Wow so many straight up answers... that's exactly what I needed! Thank you all for your replies Thing is, I never thought he could be this insensitive and cold hearted. Sure, he had his flaws - everyone has - and sometimes he wasn't the best boyfriend because of that, but most of the time he was very nice and caring towards me and even made some sacrífices for me and supported me when I was feeling down. I was his first long term relationship (before me he would usually date for 3-4 months) and we used to be friends before we started dating. But I guess that this one saying that I've read somewhere online is right "one reveals his'/her's true colors when a break up happens". As for our mutual friends, they only brought up the break up topic the first time I started to hang out with them again and even then I chose not to talk much because I sensed that they didn't know half of the story (my ex probably told them the lighter version of it) and didn't want them to pick sides. Apart from that time, we never talked about this topic or my ex's new relationship ever again. One thing I really appreciate in them is that they warn me beforehand if my ex is also going to show up with/without his girlfriend, so I can decide if I should go and meet them or decline the invitation. I understand that they want to remain friends with both me and my ex and respect our no contact, and we both like to be with them too. But I'm concerned that this behavior of ours, if prolonged, will make things awkward for all of us or affect the stability inside the group and I really don’t want that. But you are right, I should keep up what I’m doing and continue to keep my distance from him. 2
preraph Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 I feel like you're taking opportunities to be around him for a reason. Even if you have mutual friends doesn't mean you have to go to public things where he will be there. Then you can just avoid the whole thing. If you're trying to "reestablish friendship," be honest with yourself. But he sounds like a jerk, so maybe ask yourself why.
Bastile Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Thing is, I never thought he could be this insensitive and cold hearted. I've found the same thing before too after a break-up. The person that we thought we knew "becomes somebody else". Of course they actually don't. We just prefer that people behave within our own comprehension, and in ways which suit us. I think that's why there is trend towards everyone diagnosing their ex's with "sociopathy, bpd" and other things. In a perfect world, we'd be able to change the former romantic relationship into something else that's positive, but I've found that rarely possible. I've often had to be cold in order not to lead people on. Or I've had women trying to be exploitative. Or I've had women behaving poorly in order to protect their feelings. It's always a strange thing when two people that had removed their walls to become deeply intimate with each other start building them back up again. 1
teak Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 I think you should continue with what you're doing. Don't allow your friendships with mutuals to let him keep a place in anywhere in your life. If the friendships can't withstand your need for self-preservation after what happened, then they're not great friendships anyway.
Midnight.Amber Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 (edited) It's always a strange thing when two people that had removed their walls to become deeply intimate with each other start building them back up again. I agree. Not only is it strange, but quite sad as well. But that's life I suppose. Although we have the best of intentions, maintaining an intimate connection/relationship is difficult. Past hurts and fears have a way of creeping in, infecting and breaking even the best of relationships sometimes. It's tough. Life is tough. And I think both people have a tendency to act "poorly" and try to "exploit" as this breakdown occurs. I have and the men I've had relationships with have, unintentionally of course. As you have said in previous posts I've read, we're like two ships passing in the night. Great tune by Trevor Something btw. Edited July 3, 2017 by Midnight.Amber
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