Jdoll Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 This thread may be a bit long winded but I feel background details must be provided. Pretty much I have been dating a man for 3 years. Have had some fights in between and brief break ups (never lasting over a week tops) but we were extremely close talking everyday I knew his family etc. There were however many rocky patches where he did tend to be emotionally abusive and manipulative so none of my family or friends liked him . while we had many good times anytime an argument arises he would leave me or say things intended to hurt me and yet I always took him back without so much as an apology. I truly loved this man and saw a diff side of him but I know I am foolish for blindly waltzing back to someone who says "let's just be friends" and shuts me out literally almost once a month at this point. So anyway we have been living an hour away this past uesd. Talked all the time but busy schedules disallowed from much face to face maybe once a week if even. So here is where it gets tricky we have never pulled out because I was on BC but I do often miss a pill or two in between esp now that I am so busy and not as sexyally active .I think nothing of it when I miss because I assume there is no way you ovulate in such a small window as long as you don't miss too many . never had a problem before. Well I am late so take a test and of course am pregnant . I expect him to he mad and he is saying I witheld info and he can't trust me and we should stop sleeping together and just be friends. I'm kind of annoyed that's his initial response to a women he claims to love but again am a fool BC any sign of problems he does this stuff. I get very mad I know it's my fault for not protecting myself and he has a right to be mad but I wasn't purposely or mindfully withholding info I didn't think it was possible so didn't worry. Anyway I get mad and he says more stuff than that he hopes I feel l better and if I need him to come to get abortion hell try but ttyl. I feel like he should have been more sensitive instead of brushing me off like I am a girl he briefly dated versus our history. I bit back in a moment of emotion saying how he is an a hole and we will not be friends etc which is what I should have done years ago I.e like the time we split and he posted private images of me to my fb (hacked me) this is one example of something he has done to me in the past . yes I'm a fool I know. Well now he has blocked me on everything and I don't know what will go on now I still cant stop thinking of him and I wonder if he finds out I'm keeping the baby whether he will unblock. Its very hard for me as I seen him commenting under woman's photos and being flirty a day after like I never existed. Just the week before he was planning stuff for is to do and telling me how lucky he is yo have me. He is all good until a problem arises and than he betrays me which is why I said no to friends. I want him to unblock me and apologize and be there for me we haven't spoken in a week and a half. I dont know how to stop thinking of him .
Zahara Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 I want him to unblock me and apologize and be there for me we haven't spoken in a week and a half. I dont know how to stop thinking of him . He does not love you. He does not care for you. The need for him act like a decent human being is something you need to let go of because time and time again he has shown you that he is not capable of it. And if you read your thread, you keep stating -- he did XYZ but I took him back, I did ABC and I know I am a fool, he said 123 and I went back to him. You keep acknowledging you made mistake after mistake yet you are asking for him to unblock you and be some sort of supportive partner to you. When will you learn the lesson and remove yourself from this man completely? If you are deciding to have this baby, you need to start focusing on your health, how you are going to support yourselves and provide this child a healthy environment. You can't expose this child to the dysfunction that is you and him. 1
Author Jdoll Posted June 30, 2017 Author Posted June 30, 2017 I guess you are right . at first I was telling myself this but as time goes on I feel as though I am all to blame and that I shouldnt have said anything . Even though he lashes out he always had a sensitive soul and I am clinging to the thought that he will set things right . I keep imagining him with a new women and treating her right and wonder why he had to do me wrong. I am attractive young and gave him everything and if he changed I would still want a family with him but why if he doesn't truly love me did he say he did? I don't get his mind. I've been getting plenty sleep and taking my prenatal vitamins I iust want to try to be more positive for my baby..I haven't been crying much because I know it isn't good for my body . I just miss him and wish he didn't leave
Zahara Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 I guess you are right . at first I was telling myself this but as time goes on I feel as though I am all to blame and that I shouldnt have said anything . Even though he lashes out he always had a sensitive soul and I am clinging to the thought that he will set things right . I keep imagining him with a new women and treating her right and wonder why he had to do me wrong. I am attractive young and gave him everything and if he changed I would still want a family with him but why if he doesn't truly love me did he say he did? I don't get his mind. I've been getting plenty sleep and taking my prenatal vitamins I iust want to try to be more positive for my baby..I haven't been crying much because I know it isn't good for my body . I just miss him and wish he didn't leave Understand that men who are emotionally and mentally abusive tend to be volatile. One moment they're showering you with love and the next they're kicking you in the gut. You are romanticizing him by just focusing on the good. When it is up and down, it is unreliable and untrustworthy. And you know it because you kept acknowledging your mistakes (going back to him). A healthy partner and relationship is often consistent. When you are in a relationship that is all over the place, with constant endings and arguments it isn't based on love but on a toxic dependent attachment. A person can tell you they love you but if their actions say otherwise, then trust the actions, not the words. Don't try to analyze his mind. Start figuring your own mind as to why you allowed yourself to stay in such a relationship. Time to look at yourself rather than him. 1
Author Jdoll Posted June 30, 2017 Author Posted June 30, 2017 Thank you. Yes I know all this is true somewhere deep in my skull where a sensible girl lives however I guess I have always put aside my better judgement for the thrill. I always stood by his side through his hard times and he ghosted on mine . I am only 21 so I know my full life is ahead of me . I have family support of my pregnancy and even though I am young I know I will be a fit mother. I just worry of the stigma of being a single mom before birth and he is 5 years older so I hope he will atleast come around for that sake. I've given up on us I suppose but he has such a nice family lovely mother and sister and I want them in my babies life however I don't feel I should say anything to them unless he choses to.
codest Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 (edited) OP, I am not sure about one thing - does he know yet that you're pregnant? If not, I suggest you find a way to have a sincere talk with him about the whole situation. Even complete a**holes can turn on a dime for the better when they realize that they may have their own baby pretty soon. It is a world changing situation, as it makes things never be the same for them again. If you decide to give that a try, remain calm and positive, and not desperate, needy or broken. Forget about all those annoyance you mentioned for the time being and focus on one thing only - you and he may become parents pretty soon. See what he says, and then go from there. P.S. Don't expect a straight answer from him right away, either. He may start a s**tstorm at first, a blame game, just to get calmer and more understanding later on. Edited June 30, 2017 by codest
preraph Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 You didn't think it was possible? Maybe it's time you read a book about reproduction. You must have missed the fifth grade presentation. Look, you kept him around long after you knew he was a jerk and then you did nothing to protect yourself from getting pregnant, so now you're stuck with him for life to some degree and he's stuck paying for a baby he didn't plan (and which I do not exonerate him either since he should have been using condoms) so he's mad and feels played and trapped. Your choices are have the baby and live with this situation for the rest of your life or get an abortion and live with that for the rest of your life.
codest Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 (edited) You didn't think it was possible? Maybe it's time you read a book about reproduction. You must have missed the fifth grade presentation. Look, you kept him around long after you knew he was a jerk and then you did nothing to protect yourself from getting pregnant, so now you're stuck with him for life to some degree and he's stuck paying for a baby he didn't plan (and which I do not exonerate him either since he should have been using condoms) so he's mad and feels played and trapped. Your choices are have the baby and live with this situation for the rest of your life or get an abortion and live with that for the rest of your life. I wish there was a way to "dislike" such posts as yours. While you're being honest and pragmatic, you're also being too harsh. Motherhood is a much more serious thing than those that we are typically dealing with this forum. It's a very delicate situation for Jdoll, aside from what's going on between her and her lover. She has to make probably what is going to be the biggest decision in her life, and it is not as simple as you might want it to appear. Edited June 30, 2017 by codest 1
NobodyYouKnow Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) I'm sorry. I don't mean to be harsh and judgemental. But, I'm going to be. Who in the hell taught you about reproduction? Sweetheart, this isn't a matter of "I know, I'm a fool, but oh well, lesson learned...". You've now involved an innocent human being who is now going to be brought into the world with 2 effed up parents. Here's to hoping you two get your sh*t together before baby arrives. Seriously. You already effed up by not taking precautions when having sex with a guy you KNEW was an a-hole. Stop worrying about him changing. In 3 years, it's never been different and he hasn't changed. HE WILL NOT BE THERE FOR YOU! Stop worrying about his sorry a** and focus on how you're going to raise this kid alone. You've got a long hard road, but you can do it. Who knows, MAYBE this jackass WILL change. Maybe not. But baby, you don't have time to wait around to find out. Take care of yourself for now. You're gonna need your strength and sanity. You've only got a few months to prepare for a HUGE life changing event. Edited July 1, 2017 by NobodyYouKnow
stillafool Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 Honey he was over you before the pregnancy and now that you are pregnant he wants to distant himself and forget about you. He is never going to be there for you and if you plan to have your baby know that you will be doing this alone. You will be able to get child support for your baby so that should help. You cannot make someone love you and this guy has moved on.
stillafool Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 I wish there was a way to "dislike" such posts as yours. While you're being honest and pragmatic, you're also being too harsh. Motherhood is a much more serious thing than those that we are typically dealing with this forum. It's a very delicate situation for Jdoll, aside from what's going on between her and her lover. She has to make probably what is going to be the biggest decision in her life, and it is not as simple as you might want it to appear. Excuse me, but when someone comes to a public forum for advice they get it without sugar coating. One can't expect a bunch of strangers to coddle them for their poor choices. If they wanted to be coddled they would seek advice from their friends and family.
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