Author JJNY Posted July 4, 2017 Author Posted July 4, 2017 As I had mentioned, I planned to go to a therapist to talk through some issues I experienced that, even for break up grief, I didn't think were normal. I know my childhood was emotionally toxic but I don't think I appreciated just how bad it was. I spoke with my mom after my session and she broke down crying talking through some of this stuff with me. It was the most honest conversation I've had with her probably in my life. In short, has anybody here dealt with the effects of childhood abandonment as an adult? I'm only at the tip of the iceberg learning about this stuff but if you read my thread I think a lot of it makes sense. Dating around but refusing to enter into LTRs, doing so with someone Im comfortable with but then experiencing overwhelming panic when they pull away. Not just sadness and grief but absolute panic to the point I had to go to my doctor and get some anxiety drugs so my chest wouldn't explode. And she didn't even really "end it" she just asked for space. and I did the absolute opposite and turned into this needy clingy desperate person I barely recognized. Which of course chased her away, increasing the panic even more. Now she won't even talk to me. I'm not looking for an excuse for my actions, but looking back I also put up with a lot of red flags my friends were telling me to listen to but I ignored out of fear of being alone again. She also seemed like she NEEDED me given her situation, and maybe I needed to be needed like that. Anyway, just curious if anyone has dealt with anything like this. It gives me hope that I can learn something about myself from this, deal with deep rooted issues I didn't even realize I had, and hopefully come out the other side a better man.
jdsierra Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 OP, I'm with you on this! Not only our situation is similar regarding us being rebounds as in I'm also pretty confident and with this guy, when I felt something was wrong, I acted needy, desperate, like if I would die if he left my life. I'm not yet in a great place but well, we didn't die. I know today that I acted like that because I wasn't single for the last 9 years and was afraid of it, because I left my parents house and live alone and I was not used (not still) to be alone, and it was a complicated relation and I really wanted it to work. All at the same time >> disaster. But I guess that every situation presents us with personal growth in some way and I'm sure that when you identify the triggers for your emotional triggers and start working on the solution it will all be better. As regarding your story, I'm really sorry you've gone through that, I'm there too and it is awful and un-understandable. I tend to be very analytical and try to find a logical reason of everything and I'm
jdsierra Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 OP, I'm with you on this! Not only our situation is similar regarding us being rebounds as in I'm also pretty confident and with this guy, when I felt something was wrong, I acted needy, desperate, like if I would die if he left my life. I'm not yet in a great place but well, we didn't die. I know today that I acted like that because I wasn't single for the last 9 years and was afraid of it, because I left my parents house and live alone and I was not used (not still) to be alone, and it was a complicated relation and I really wanted it to work. All at the same time >> disaster. But I guess that every situation presents us with personal growth in some way and I'm sure that when you identify the triggers for your emotional triggers and start working on the solution it will all be better. As regarding your story, I'm really sorry you've gone through that, I'm there too and it is awful and un-understandable. I tend to be very analytical and try to find a logical reason of everything and I'm trying to start accepting that these things are not logical and that even if there is an "explanation" it will not make sense. Keep strong, we're here for you!
Author JJNY Posted July 5, 2017 Author Posted July 5, 2017 Time for a little venting. Man what a few days. We have something huge going on at work (hopefully finishing overnight tonight) and I was in the office all weekend and during the holiday yesterday. It's damn hard dealing with this alone when all your friends are out at the beach and at cookouts (and knowing your "ex" is probably at one too having a grand old time). The pressure of working here certainly does not help at times. Other times it does. I'm really trying to think rationally about all this. I truly did love this woman and I have for years. But looking at some of my behavior, how much effort I was putting in compared to what I was getting back, and the situation she was coming from, we were not going to work. At least not right now. And after my behavior in the aftermath of it, probably not ever. Still, I get frustrated thinking about how I "picked her up off the floor, made her heart beat again and treated her better than anybody has ever treated her before, kissed her like nobody has ever kissed her before." All her words, not mine. Then just discarded so easily. Makes me feel used. I hope she remembers all that but if she doesnt her loss. At least I know I'm capable of treating someone like that I don't have social media, so no triggers there. I won't run into her, city is too big for that. So I guess the healing is up to me. But at the same time it gives me jolts of anxiety when I think that I'll likely never see her again. For those of you who didn't read my last post, after a therapy session I picked up a book on childhood abandonment and how it can affect adult relationships, and whoa does it speak to me. The refusal to truly let people in (1-2 month flings but no real LTRs since college), the self-doubt and clingy needy behavior when a partner starts to pull away. I know everyone experiences it to an extent, but man towards the end I became a person I didnt even recognize. I like to think I'm usually pretty confident but when she said she needed space it was like my world collapsed and I had an instant panic attack. Yelled, apologized, yelled again, apologized again. Im pretty embarrassed about it now but at least I can understand where it comes from and develop some coping mechanisms for the future. Again, not making excuses for my actions, but I think it's helpful to understand how my past may be affecting my present. Right now I'm trying to put some stuff on the calendar to look forward to. I still think about her almost every minute but hopefully that subsides. Sleeping and eating are both still way off but that's part of the roller coaster I guess. Thank you all for your support. I'm sure I'll be back soon sounding way less optimistic.
Author JJNY Posted July 5, 2017 Author Posted July 5, 2017 You're doing the work dude. Great job! Thanks very much for the encouragement and support. Not easy to stay positive right now but strength in numbers, and we're all dealing with similar situations.
Funny bunny Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 Hang in there jjny. How are you doing today? I think about my ex about 5 times an hour now as opposed to 24/7 including dreams. That is definitely some progress. I even have a date lines up on Saturday to get out of the house of course... Not to fall inlove but for some fun.
Funny bunny Posted July 8, 2017 Posted July 8, 2017 So the sadness is really kicking in today. My date flaked. I should have made backup plans. Ugh now I'm missing him terribly. I need to get myself out of this funk
Author JJNY Posted July 8, 2017 Author Posted July 8, 2017 So the sadness is really kicking in today. My date flaked. I should have made backup plans. Ugh now I'm missing him terribly. I need to get myself out of this funk Sorry I missed your last post Funny Bunny. That's awful about your date. When it rains it pours I suppose. Hang in there and remember to appreciate the things that go well. It will make you feel better (little by little). Tough day for me too. First time at the beach since she left and I wanted to leave the whole time. Which is so dumb because I loved the beach before I even knew her but now I just think of her while I'm there. I don't really have the urge to reach out anymore which is a good thing I guess. But everything still feels empty. Going to try to see some friends tonight and just wake myself up here.
Author JJNY Posted July 12, 2017 Author Posted July 12, 2017 Hey Loveshackers. Thanks again for all the support. Like many here have mentioned, the healing is not linear. There are times I feel pretty hopeful and confident, and there are times I want to curl up into a ball on my couch and hide from the world. Thankfully, there have been few moments where I actually give into that urge. I just suck up the pain and keep going. Went into work late today: got a haircut and a coffee beforehand. Read the paper in a Starbucks for a few minutes. Just felt good to be around people. My job can sometimes be pretty isolating. I think about her every day but I made a big step the other day: I blocked her number. I hadnt been reaching out, but unconsciously whenever I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket I had a hope it would be her. And I constantly found myself disappointed when it wasnt. At this point, I dont think I'd even want to hear from her. I reached out to her during a very dark time and she gave me the shaft. I dont need someone like that in my life, no matter how much I still love them. Hopefully it will speed the healing process. As I mentioned I have no social media (I think that stuff is poison) so unless she emails me I'll never hear from her again. Which is half terrifying but half liberating. This is a trigger weekend coming up for me: a wedding of a close friend where she was supposed to come with me. I'm actually in the wedding party. It's in a popular vacation spot and we had been talking for awhile how excited we were about it. I'll now be going alone and only knowing a handful of people there (this friend and I don't have many mutual friends). But I'm trying to look at it like a challenge: a chance to meet new people and be outgoing. We'll see what happens. Right now I'm dreading it. My suit barely fits me now because I've lost so much weight from this. The breakup diet is a real thing friends I've continued my counseling sessions, I've continued working out, and I've continued working hard at work. Picked up a self-help book I read before bed. I know there are things I have to work on like why I ignored so many blatant red flags and why I was so accommodating to her and didnt speak up. I was blinded by love and let her set the entire tone and speed of the relationship, which is a recipe for disaster. Lesson learned for next time. It has to be a mutual effort. So I'll get there. And I also acted emotionally immature in the aftermath: another lesson for another day. But hey, it was over before then anyway so I can't beat myself up. Hopefully the more I keep saying that the more I'll start to believe it. There's just a hole in me that I havent been able to fill yet. NOT gonna sucker some poor innocent girl into trying to fill it, like she did to me. Hope all of you are doing well.
lonelyplanetmoon Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 Glad to hear you are healing OK. Gives me hope that I will get there too. The gaping hole is tough. I feel your pain. Regarding the weddding. You have to keep thinking about the present and focuse on the good. You are going to be celebrating your friend's big day. Focus on being really happy for him/her. You are getting to go to a vacation spot. Do what you can to maximize your enjoyment of being lucky enough you get to go. And you are going to be around people, so push yourself out of your comfort zone and mingle/socialize. Good luck!
Recommended Posts