JJNY Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 (edited) My story is a few pages back. I'm not sure how to link to it. The short of it is I was in (or I believed I was) in an almost year-long relationship with a woman I've known for half my life. We are both now 28. I previously dated around and to be honest I don't often have problems attracting women, but I havent allowed myself to have a real LTR since college. With this woman, I truly believed we were in love and she told me deep, future looking things I've never had said to me before. When we reconnected last summer she was just getting out of an engagement. It didn't start as something romantic but organically developed into it. I moved as slowly as she wanted, but she reeled me in with the discussions of our past and future and I began writing a fairly tale ending in my head. She said she saw it too. There were times at first she was still really sad about what had happened to her, and I was always there for her. She called me her guardian angel and said I rescued her, and that she's loved me since we were teenagers. Told me nobody ever treated her this well. I ate it all up and was smitten. Never get involved with rebounds, lesson 1 learned. Anyway, about a month and a half ago she said this was too much and needed space, and needed to be alone and figure out what she wants. So I did what any dumb male does. I freaked out, I chased, and I made a fool of myself. I still dont understand how she could say all those things to me yet not know what she wants. Even when she was walking out she was saying things like "I know this could be so great" and "I care so much about you, about us. But I can't do this now." It didnt make sense to me and still doesnt. At the end of the day she was still walking away from me, right? She still wanted time to be single, right? I should have just walked away myself, and if it was true she would have come back. And if it wasn't she wouldnt have come back, and I'd be halfway to healed before I knew it. She would reach out at first, and I would eat the breadcrumbs like my life depended on them. Eventually I said stop and tried NC, but would break it about once a week. You can see a co-dependency problem starting here. Last night, I had an exceptionally hard day at work. I have a high-demanding job with lots of stress and lots of long hours. My upcoming weekend was just ruined by a demanding client. With the stress of that and the stress of this space thing, I caved and tried to call her. Just wanted to talk. I got her voicemail. I panicked and texted her asking to talk, saying I was having a tough time with everything. I got back "I can't, Im out right now." I dont think Ive ever felt so low. After all the times she called me crying early on, or texted me saying she was upset, I never hesitated to help her. Right then and there I felt completely used and disrespected. I allowed this woman to take away my self respect and dignity. I didn't sleep one minute last night and Im a zombie at work today. It's like my whole world came crashing down when I saw that indifference from her. I clearly have some emotional issues I need to work on. Why am I so against developing healthy relationships, and when I finally let one happen why did I turn into a needy, desperate, zero confidence person? When she said she needed space I tried to latch on with a death grip. I guess what I'm trying to think about now is that if she was the right one for me she would know it after being together for close to a year (and knowing me for almost 15 years). And I think this had to happen to me to look into these emotional issues. I've scheduled some therapy sessions and hope to come out the other side of this a better man. I'm just having lots of thoughts about "what could have been" and I don't know how to stop them. I'm lost, alone, broken hearted and overwhelmed with it all. I've accepted that it's over, and that I am in for one wild, emotional roller coaster ride. Some words of encouragement from the kind folks of LS would be much appreciated. Edited June 30, 2017 by JJNY .
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 You need a real therapist to teach you to manage stress. (Believe me I know. Work stress takes up a great deal of my time on the couch). You can't treat your SOs & especially your EXs as arm-chair therapists. Hang in there. You will get through the work stress. You will get through the weekend. You will even survive the break up.
Author JJNY Posted June 30, 2017 Author Posted June 30, 2017 You need a real therapist to teach you to manage stress. (Believe me I know. Work stress takes up a great deal of my time on the couch). You can't treat your SOs & especially your EXs as arm-chair therapists. Hang in there. You will get through the work stress. You will get through the weekend. You will even survive the break up. Thank you. I found a therapist today through a referral which had an opening for this afternoon. I'm very much looking forward to it. Ive realized how the work-related stress bleeds into my every day life. It makes everything else seem magnified as well. It's as if life is saying "Oh you have to work 12 hours today, and then both days this weekend? That sucks and don't forget the girl you loved also left you!" So I would reach out and break NC to try to make myself feel better (not talking about the stress, just talking with her in general) and just push her farther way. Which then increased the stress level even more. Vicious cycle, huh? As for what brought me here, it's tough knowing that I killed the attraction for good but if I had to hit rock bottom for me to become a better person and deal with deeper-rooted issues so be it. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 Hang in there. Therapy does wonders but it takes time. Glad you are addressing the issue.
Spartakooty Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 Sounds like you're making some of the right moves. Self reflection and therapy is good. Time. This is mostly what it will take to heal. I'm over 2 months now out of being dumped and it's much better now. Breaking NC can be a vicious cycle, but do everything you can to stay NC. Out of sight out of mind (not really) but it helps. It must be tough tho after knowing each other for so long. Hopefully at some point you'll be able to carve a friendship out of it. Love is impossible to hold, so we should not try to desperately hold on to it. The hardest thing to do is to simply walk away and respect their wishes. Even in my 45 year old wisdom it's hard to do. You'll get better because you're motivated to do so. And hey, having a 12 hour a day job could be good simply to keep busy. Hit the gym too.
kortz Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 What might have seemed like a fairly tale relationship at one point, it eventually did not seem like that for her. People and emotions change over time and as much as you can feel for someone and want to make everything right, if they don't feel that way then there is nothing you can do or say. Don't be too hard on yourself because you never know what would have happened if things were different, the relationship could have ended all the same even if you were perfect in your role. If she was the one then you'd still be together and while it may seem hard to believe now, there is someone out there who will be a better match for you and you will be ok in time. Hang in there buddy. 1
Author JJNY Posted June 30, 2017 Author Posted June 30, 2017 Sounds like you're making some of the right moves. Self reflection and therapy is good. Time. This is mostly what it will take to heal. I'm over 2 months now out of being dumped and it's much better now. Breaking NC can be a vicious cycle, but do everything you can to stay NC. Out of sight out of mind (not really) but it helps. It must be tough tho after knowing each other for so long. Hopefully at some point you'll be able to carve a friendship out of it. Love is impossible to hold, so we should not try to desperately hold on to it. The hardest thing to do is to simply walk away and respect their wishes. Even in my 45 year old wisdom it's hard to do. You'll get better because you're motivated to do so. And hey, having a 12 hour a day job could be good simply to keep busy. Hit the gym too. Thanks for the reply. I read your thread earlier while lurking on here (and ignoring all the advice I was seeing) and wish you support in your situation as well. The time knowing each other is one of the toughest parts. Just hurts to be treated so coldly for someone I had something special with for so long, even if it wasn't consistent for all those years. And it made me really buy into this when she obviously wasn't all there. The job thing is a blessing and a curse. Yes it's long hours but I have to be "on" and focused, it's not a very social job where I can distract myself with other people. Lot's of solitary time in front of spreadsheets and computers with long conference calls. I used to like it, now not so sure. But definitely not going to make a decision on that when Im fragile like this right now.
Author JJNY Posted June 30, 2017 Author Posted June 30, 2017 What might have seemed like a fairly tale relationship at one point, it eventually did not seem like that for her. People and emotions change over time and as much as you can feel for someone and want to make everything right, if they don't feel that way then there is nothing you can do or say. Don't be too hard on yourself because you never know what would have happened if things were different, the relationship could have ended all the same even if you were perfect in your role. If she was the one then you'd still be together and while it may seem hard to believe now, there is someone out there who will be a better match for you and you will be ok in time. Hang in there buddy. Thanks very much. I really bought into it because she acted and spoke like it was for her too. But you're right, if she truly thought that then she wouldnt have walked. I know I'm not the first person to go through this and I won't be the last. Beating myself up is another thing I'm going to have to work on in the reflection period.
Rko28 Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 Hope you're ok. I'm going through similar, made plans for the future, thought she was the one, she suggested we plan a trip for next year, everything pointed towards spending a long time together, I wanted to be with her forever, then bang, overnight, 3 weeks today she changed and didn't want it. Hang on in there, im finding strength in knowing that others are going through similar, we aren't alone, I'm sure we will get there
Author JJNY Posted June 30, 2017 Author Posted June 30, 2017 Thanks everyone. It's comforting to know so many others deal with similar situations, and yes we will all get through it. Really want to contact her again and not leave her last impression of me some idiot begging for a phone call but what good could that do. I won't.
SevenCity Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 It sucks and will likely be the worst pain you've been through in your life. But it gets better. There is no time table - could take months, could take years. But you'll get to the point of indifference one day. Unfortunately there is no magic pill or task to perform. You just need time and NC. Every time you break NC it will reset your healing and make you feel worse and suffer for longer. Delete her number and move on. All you can do.
codest Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 OP, just wanted to chime in - please don't blame yourself or her. You both seem like wonderful people. Yes, you were a rebound, but you both had had wonderful times together, and you probably helped her a lot with her emotional situation. Your one and only mistake has been those high expectations that you had, and even that is perfectly understandable, especially considering that you had had no experience in such dealings before. Also, consider yourself lucky - what you had was good while it lasted. Unlike so many of us here, you didn't fall in love with some unworthy person, for she is much much better than those mindless dumpers you'd typically read about in these pages. As others said, go NC, eliminate all triggers, and give yourself time to heal.
guy45 Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 OP, don't even worry. Relationship come and go. After the breakup is one of the most scariest yet exciting times ever. You are single now, what will you do? You will survive that's what you will do. You will be the man you are and rise back onto your two feet. You will realize that you don't need her. You are a success for even having a relationship, but she does not define you.
Author JJNY Posted June 30, 2017 Author Posted June 30, 2017 You all have no idea how much these replies are helping right now. I am glad there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far away that light is. So many things I want to say to her right now but I know I cant. I just have to suck it up, post here and post often, and do what I can to move on with my life. No rebounds. I wont do to someone else what she did to me. 1
guy45 Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 Rebounds are for the weak. OP embrace your newly found freedom. I recommend buying yourself a great action adventure video game, because let's face it thinking about women all day drives anyone nuts lol Exercise is a must. And if you ever feel weak you can come right back here and talk about it. That's what bros are for. 1
Author JJNY Posted June 30, 2017 Author Posted June 30, 2017 Rebounds are for the weak. OP embrace your newly found freedom. I recommend buying yourself a great action adventure video game, because let's face it thinking about women all day drives anyone nuts lol Exercise is a must. And if you ever feel weak you can come right back here and talk about it. That's what bros are for. Im going to work my ass off this weekend, and then next week I'm going to grieve. After that, Im going to get to a counselor to work out some of the issues I have and pick something new to try. Always wanted to try scuba diving, maybe I'll go get certified in that. Thanks for the encouragement. I will be back here often. 2
Maldives Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 I still dont understand how she could say all those things to me yet not know what she wants. Even when she was walking out she was saying things like "I know this could be so great" and "I care so much about you, about us. Let me answer this for u remember these words..... Its because it's how they felt at that moment... I too had trouble wth this for mths wrestling wth it. Feelings especially woman's change all the time.
spiderowl Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 I'm sorry you are hurting. You haven't done anything wrong. You haven't been stupid. You fell in love and believed what a woman was telling you. I really hate it when people come on so strong and say things about a future with someone else when they really don't know what they are doing. It seems incredibly common and people get hurt. What else do you do? If your partner is saying these loving things, you can either believe them or be sceptical - then they would probably be offended that you were sceptical. You fell in love, she professed love and adoration, then she opted out. You are bound to feel pretty upset at all this. She gave you one reality then switched it. I am sorry because it hurts like hell. It is best to cut her off and allow yourself time to adapt. You are only human. The pain will gradually fade and, when it does, you will start to realise that the pain was caused by the situation you were in and that you are a decent guy with a lot to offer. Don't assume every girl is going to behave the same way as her. Falling in love is a risk, just allow yourself time to really get to know who you are dealing with next time. Yes, rebounds are a bad idea, especially if they did not initiate the break-up with their exs. You can come out of this situation knowing you have a good heart and know how to love. That means you have a lot to offer someone in the future. 2
guy45 Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 OP just wanted to say one last thing. Don't worry about "what ifs". When two people are right for each other it's very hard to screw up the relationship. Little mistakes like texting and tiny things like that don't make any difference. When someone likes you they like you no matter what. This entire experience will make you a stronger person. I don't regret any of my failed relationships. You have a great future ahead of you. 2
Author JJNY Posted July 1, 2017 Author Posted July 1, 2017 This was a very difficult morning. I hope one day soon she won't be the first thing I think about when I wake up.
guy45 Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Perfectly normal my friend. You will find ms right, keep searching.
Funny bunny Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 Honestly after reading your post you sound like a rational person. I mean who wouldn't react like you did? A robot? We have feelings and we get attached. Love is such a risk man... I'm two months after my breakup and I self-flagellate over stupid **** I said, jealousy on my end. Regrets, insecurities, bad memories. It's painful as hell. Actually an hour ago I was on a flight and I couldn't help but cry and let some of it out. Let's just hang in there and you are not alone. You sound like a great guy that gave their heart to someone and that is so special in itself. Don't look at their Facebook or social media!! I haven't and its definitely helped. Just don't look! Honestly the way I got closure was by saying"I love you and I'm willing to work through our problems" he said no so that gave me the push to walk away. They don't love us enough to stay so we HAVE to heal! I cry when I need to cry, eat when o have to eat and surround myself with my loved ones. One breath at a time. 1
Author JJNY Posted July 3, 2017 Author Posted July 3, 2017 Honestly after reading your post you sound like a rational person. I mean who wouldn't react like you did? A robot? We have feelings and we get attached. Love is such a risk man... I'm two months after my breakup and I self-flagellate over stupid **** I said, jealousy on my end. Regrets, insecurities, bad memories. It's painful as hell. Actually an hour ago I was on a flight and I couldn't help but cry and let some of it out. Let's just hang in there and you are not alone. You sound like a great guy that gave their heart to someone and that is so special in itself. Don't look at their Facebook or social media!! I haven't and its definitely helped. Just don't look! Honestly the way I got closure was by saying"I love you and I'm willing to work through our problems" he said no so that gave me the push to walk away. They don't love us enough to stay so we HAVE to heal! I cry when I need to cry, eat when o have to eat and surround myself with my loved ones. One breath at a time. Thank you so much for this. It's 3:45am where I am right now and I'm wide awake. I find that I can fall asleep ok but can't stay asleep for more than 3 or 4 hours, and that's it for the night. Just lay here with everything playing in my head. No idea why I grabbed my phone and came here right now but I'm very glad I did. I cried yesterday for the first time in I don't know how long. Years. Actually did feel kind of good. It was such a nice day too but I couldn't enjoy it, stuck at work. Made the whole thing even more depressing. I don't think closure would work for me like that, we didn't necessarily have a "problem." She said she loved me but needed space and time to be alone. I got literally zero reasons from her for things I did wrong, perhaps just being TOO available to her. What really hurts now is I'm sure she's back on her feet, going out meeting new guys. When last year she could barely bring herself to get out of bed until I encouraged her to meet me for a drink to cheer her up. Yes, I know it's not about her and what she's doing now. But this feeling of being used, even if she did it unintentionally, is hard to shake. Will be a long time before I can trust again but one day at a time I suppose. Thank you again for your reply.
Author JJNY Posted July 3, 2017 Author Posted July 3, 2017 Been posting in some other people's threads during a quiet bit at work and it's making me feel a little better. Not that other people are hurting, but that we're all working together to get past our own personal situation. Maybe helping others is a positive that can come out of this whole mess. Because I am a mess.
Funny bunny Posted July 3, 2017 Posted July 3, 2017 It really is. Is there any way you can get involved with a church group or some social group? Or even volunteer somewhere? I'm kind of lucky that I'm a nurse so I get to talk to patients and when I'm really kind to them and show them I care for them, give them them the best care possible it helps me focus on someone else instead of me. It's good to grieve too of course. It helps being kind and helpful to one another. Your post made me feel not so alone. Thanks for that too. 1
Recommended Posts