Why is it always the other woman's fault?

[Knix]

I've been thinking a lot about what I've noticed for the majority of my dating life, which is that whenever a guy cheats on his gf/wife/etc. they are always first to blame and go after the other woman, not their partner.

 

 

Is it really her fault? He's the one in the relationship.

 

 

As someone that has been cheated on and then also had incidences where guys have tried to sext/plan dates with me (only to discover they had girlfriends), it really bothers me that women are always first to tear down other women.

 

 

BTW whenever this has happened I've let the girlfriends know that their boyfriends were trying to cheat on them with me (would show screenshots of the conversations) and I'm sad to say this has happened more than once. It's always with some guy I used to date, and he reaches out to me out of nowhere when he and his current gf are fighting or the relationship has become stale.

 

 

 

 

I just want to know people's thoughts on this. Has anyone else dealt with this? What's the thinking behind it on both sides.

[basil67]

First up, I wouldn't ever use the term "always" in this situation. Both on these boards and in real life, I've seen plenty of betrayed women who put the blame squarely where it belongs.

 

However, in the cases where the other woman is blamed, it would be because humans aren't always rational. I would also hazard a guess that it's easier to be angry at the one who we haven't loved and made promises to.

 

Lastly, in the case of showing a woman evidence of what her boyfriend is sending you.....I can easily imagine shooting the messenger. It may not be logical, but we are only human.

[Arieswoman]

I agree with basil.

 

I wouldn't think it was fair to say that the OW always gets all the flack for WS's infidelity.

 

I would also hazard a guess that it's easier to be angry at the one who we haven't loved and made promises to.

 

Some women*, not all, are in total denial over this. They wonder how this siren could have charmed their husband away, put a spell on him, controlled him and made him behave in such an uncharacteristic way.

 

It's very difficult to accept that the person that we loved and cherished, made this choice of their own volition then designed, planned and executed the infidelity for their own selfish ends.

 

If we accept the above, then we also need to accept that the partner we chose wasn't as wonderful as we thought or that we'd been in love with a hologram for years or we didn't pick up on the subtle clues /red flags that had been flapping around from the time we first met them.

 

That's a bitter pill to swallow, at least it was for me.

 

* applies to men as well

[D-Lish]

My ex-Husband cheated and lived a double life with another Woman. I had no clue- she knew all along what she was getting herself into. He got her pregnant and that's what ended our marriage, and that's when I found out what'd been happening behind my back- because she reached out to me and told me.

 

I put the blame where it belonged and left my Husband. He ended up marrying the OW, had that child, and two more. Low and behold I saw him on Tinder last year- obviously doing the same thing to her that he did to me- cheat, cheat, cheating.

 

I never blamed the OW, I just figured that he'd led her down the same BS path he led me down. A Leopard truly doesn't change its spots.

[waterwoman]

It isn't 'always'. There are no absolutes.

 

It happens sometimes because the OW is an easier target, the BS has no relationship with the OW and she's a useful Aunt Sally.

 

To start with she is seen as the 'problem' because she is the person that appeared and caused it! Which is not true - but in the immediate aftermath most BS can hardly remember their own name let alone think calmly about the minutiae of the affair relationship.

 

Of course it doesn't take that long for the realisation to dawn that the WS is the main problem. But when (if) he is remorseful and doing the things he should to heal with marriage, it feels as if while the WS is taking the flack and the OW got off without a scratch (note I said 'feels' because I know from reading on here that that is not the case).

 

There is plenty of anger, pain and confusion to go around - focusing some of it on the OW does not detract from the WS's share. Anyway I suspect if the OW knew I was angry with her to start with she's have shrugged - why should she care?

 

Long term I guess most BS are more than happy to let the anger at the OW go. I am indifferent to her now. Christmas before last I found myself sitting behind her on a coach when we were taking the children to a christmas fair - I looked at her, looked again, recognised her and calmly got on with my evening - no anger, no stress, no racing pulse, no feeling sick, no heart-in-my-mouth as it would have been in the year after dday.

 

It takes time to reach a point of equilibrium when your world has been turned upside down.

[stillafool]

If the OW didn't know he had a gf/wife it isn't her fault and she shouldn't be blamed. If she knew he had a gf/wife that is another story.

[Raena]

I'm not sure that it's always blamed on the OW. I think most people are aware that the cheating partner is the one who is to blame for cheating. That doesn't mean that the OW gets off scot-free in the situation. Particularly not if she was aware that she was involved with a married/taken man. It takes two to tango you know. So it's never really just one person's fault, both have to take blame for the subterfuge etc.

 

In my situation, I didn't blame the OW for making my ex cheat on me. I blamed her for staying involved/sleeping with him for well over a year before I found out the truth about it. I've never understood why in the world she put herself in that position for that long. It takes a serious amount of stupidity to believe a man who tells you that he's just roommates with the mother of his child and stick around waiting for that long for him to "finally move out". On top of that, she acted like a crazed lunatic after I kicked him out. Read my past threads about her if you are interested. She got blamed for the way she behaved. Period. That doesn't excuse my ex for his role in it though. He's to blame for his behavior as well.

[QuestioningSoul]

My husband had 2 OW. One was by best friend since we were 14 and I'm now 42. The other was his best friend's wife. They were friends since they were 13.

 

I blame them all 100%. They all knew me. Were invited into my home and my life. Hell, my bff held my leg as I gave birth and was my maid of honor when I married her future AP.

 

In this case, there is no excuse. The only way an AP isn't also responsible is they truly aren't aware that the other person is married and are lied to as well. That makes them another victim.

 

We all have responsibilities whether we asked for them or not. To keep others safe from us drinking too much and killing them, from stealing a purse left in a car, whatever it is. Don't accept an invitation into someone else's marriage. If it's true love, then a divorce should be the first order of business and have an honest relationship out in the light.

 

It's just common decency to other people.

[Starswillshine]

BS here. The blame falls on my husband. He had every opportunity to stop anything from progressing. At every stop sign, he proceeded forward. Doesn't matter if she was perusing him or vice versa, he always had the option to say, "No, this is a horrible idea." He didn't. That blame is on him.

 

I blame OW for her manipulation with me. I guess I became the person who stood in the way of getting what she wanted. She went in eyes fully wide open knowing the score (she admits to me there was never future faking, etc... He openly admitted be loved me, never wanted to leave me, I am a wonderful wife, etc). But even after all she (on her own) has put me through, I still have a lot of empathy for her. I can see how my husband played her. And that is crazy making crap right there. There have been times, I would like to reach out and hug her because I know she is hurting, too. Other times, I want to stab her.

 

I am still married to my WH. He still shares the same bed with me. That doesn't mean everything is perfect in our world. Just because OW got some backlash from me, it is only a very small fraction of what my husband has received. But to OW, she probably feels as you do. In fact, she has said that to me. But she doesn't know what goes on in our home. At all.

 

And in your case, OP.... if the BS is perceiving you as being smug "look, he pursued ME!" Then yeah, they will not be so kind. Depends on how the ow approaches the situation. With compassion or with smugness and trying to get at the wife (this is how the ow in my case was.... she got off on it it seemed).

[Timshel]

I was never upset in the least with the woman who fooled around with my ex husband while I was in hospital for placenta acctreta. I only lost so much respect for him that I divorced him not too long after. He disgusted me but I honestly never gave her any thought. I can't remember her name.

 

Flash forward and I am not married but have been in a long term serious relationship. I got beyond pissed because I knew for a fact that my SO did nothing to instigate or perpetuate a situation that if she had her way, would have destroyed us.

 

I think the reason for my anger the second time rather than the first is I know that I would leave a man who disrespected me and the second time would not have been his fault.

 

Men are not usually the instigators, as a woman, I really know better. They may take the bait...but women are the gatekeepers.

[road]

I've been thinking a lot about what I've noticed for the majority of my dating life, which is that whenever a guy cheats on his gf/wife/etc. they are always first to blame and go after the other woman, not their partner.

 

 

Is it really her fault? He's the one in the relationship.

 

 

As someone that has been cheated on and then also had incidences where guys have tried to sext/plan dates with me (only to discover they had girlfriends), it really bothers me that women are always first to tear down other women.

 

 

BTW whenever this has happened I've let the girlfriends know that their boyfriends were trying to cheat on them with me (would show screenshots of the conversations) and I'm sad to say this has happened more than once. It's always with some guy I used to date, and he reaches out to me out of nowhere when he and his current gf are fighting or the relationship has become stale.

 

 

 

 

I just want to know people's thoughts on this. Has anyone else dealt with this? What's the thinking behind it on both sides.

 

You are a group of bank robbers.

You only drive the get away car.

Someone shoots and murders a bank teller.

You still get charged with the robbery and the murder.

Because you were part of the crime.

 

You as an OW single or married does not matter.

You participated in the crime/affair.

You are just as guilty as the WH.

 

The BW eventually forgives the WH because recovery can

not happen when the BS stays mad at the WH.

 

The BW gets mad and stays mad at the OW because

there is no reason, no motivation to ever forgive the OW.

Because the BW can hate the OW all she wants and still

recover her marriage.

 

 

Your question deals with fairness.

 

My question back to you why are you concerned

about fairness when you were not fair to the BW

by banging her WH and making her a BW?

[carhill]

Heh, I remember when one BS threatened to kill me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that his wife was boning her boss (she told me) and I was just the tampon. She went on to have a spectacular love/affair life and eventually so did he.

 

However, since none of us can read minds and also very few of us knows what goes on behind closed doors in someone else's marriage, it's difficult to know with certainty how much any OM/OW is blamed, or not. Absent more obvious words and actions like outlined above, it's all generally secondary or hearsay.

 

My short answer is it's always the other woman/man 'fault' because, well, that person is a stranger and the BS doesn't care whether they live or die, and their spouse is an investment, in time, energy, love, money, you name it. People are selfish and protect their investments even when pissed at them for poor performance.

[Knix]

You are a group of bank robbers.

You only drive the get away car.

Someone shoots and murders a bank teller.

You still get charged with the robbery and the murder.

Because you were part of the crime.

 

You as an OW single or married does not matter.

You participated in the crime/affair.

You are just as guilty as the WH.

 

The BW eventually forgives the WH because recovery can

not happen when the BS stays mad at the WH.

 

The BW gets mad and stays mad at the OW because

there is no reason, no motivation to ever forgive the OW.

Because the BW can hate the OW all she wants and still

recover her marriage.

 

 

Your question deals with fairness.

 

My question back to you why are you concerned

about fairness when you were not fair to the BW

by banging her WH and making her a BW?

 

You're assuming I'm talking about fairness. None of it is fair to any party. Except for the one that has his cake and gets to eat it too.

[LivingWaterPlease]

My question back to you why are you concerned

about fairness when you were not fair to the BW

by banging her WH and making her a BW?

 

 

Curious as to why you believe OP is banging or has banged an MM?

[whichwayisup]

The OW isn't a victim nor innocent unless the person married or in a relationship lied and said they were single. An OW who chooses to get involved with someone who is married has to own their part in the affair. Of course the married person is at fault for sure! I've not read any stories that the MM is blameless and all blame is put on OW.

[wmacbride]

It's really simple.

 

I held my spouse 100 percent responsible for his actions, and I hold the ow completely responsible for hers.

[Knix]

You are a group of bank robbers.

You only drive the get away car.

Someone shoots and murders a bank teller.

You still get charged with the robbery and the murder.

Because you were part of the crime.

 

You as an OW single or married does not matter.

You participated in the crime/affair.

You are just as guilty as the WH.

 

The BW eventually forgives the WH because recovery can

not happen when the BS stays mad at the WH.

 

The BW gets mad and stays mad at the OW because

there is no reason, no motivation to ever forgive the OW.

Because the BW can hate the OW all she wants and still

recover her marriage.

 

 

Your question deals with fairness.

 

My question back to you why are you concerned

about fairness when you were not fair to the BW

by banging her WH and making her a BW?

 

 

I am guessing here but it sounds like you are accusing me of being the OW. I'm not nor have ever been the OW. If anything I have been on the other side, my ex cheated on me three times in our relationship. Was years ago, and mind you this was a girl that saw my bf on facebook, our pictures, our everything. I don't think for a minute he wasn't telling her I'm horrible, I've trapped him, etc. etc.

 

 

My mother was always told by her ex fiancé that his ex wife was a nasty person. That she broke up the family after he gave her everything. He made my mom hate a woman she never met.

 

 

Turned out that he had cheated on his ex wife, broke the family a part (this includes 4 kids).

 

 

My mom has changed her tune quite a bit. And they are no longer together for many other reasons, but his lack of integrity is one of them.

[Knix]

My husband had 2 OW. One was by best friend since we were 14 and I'm now 42. The other was his best friend's wife. They were friends since they were 13.

 

I blame them all 100%. They all knew me. Were invited into my home and my life. Hell, my bff held my leg as I gave birth and was my maid of honor when I married her future AP.

 

In this case, there is no excuse. The only way an AP isn't also responsible is they truly aren't aware that the other person is married and are lied to as well. That makes them another victim.

 

We all have responsibilities whether we asked for them or not. To keep others safe from us drinking too much and killing them, from stealing a purse left in a car, whatever it is. Don't accept an invitation into someone else's marriage. If it's true love, then a divorce should be the first order of business and have an honest relationship out in the light.

 

It's just common decency to other people.

 

 

Wow, that's awful. I'm very sorry about that. As someone that was your best friend, no excuse in the world. I have to wonder what she was getting from it psychologically? As if she one upped you or something.

[elaine567]

When we* think of murderers we hold women to a higher standard, we do not think women should be killers and when they do do that, women are usually demonised to a greater extent than men are.

 

Similarly we tend to think that most women will not betray another woman by sleeping with her husband, that a woman will uphold the sisterhood, that a woman is above cheating, and that a woman will not make little kids miserable by splitting up marriages.

The feeling is that no "decent" woman would do that.

 

When it then becomes obvious that a woman did do that, then it is very easy to demonise that woman.

Men are men, but we tend to expect more from a woman.

It is then much easier to blame and hate that "indecent" and "disgraceful" woman.

 

 

* gen. we.

[FoundMyStrength]

I was never upset in the least with the woman who fooled around with my ex husband while I was in hospital for placenta acctreta. I only lost so much respect for him that I divorced him not too long after. He disgusted me but I honestly never gave her any thought. I can't remember her name.

 

Flash forward and I am not married but have been in a long term serious relationship. I got beyond pissed because I knew for a fact that my SO did nothing to instigate or perpetuate a situation that if she had her way, would have destroyed us.

 

I think the reason for my anger the second time rather than the first is I know that I would leave a man who disrespected me and the second time would not have been his fault.

 

Men are not usually the instigators, as a woman, I really know better. They may take the bait...but women are the gatekeepers.

 

I don't know about this. Tell this to my xMM who stared at me nonstop for weeks on end during the workday, constantly stopped in my office for lengthy conversation, gave me small but meaningful tokens of affection, asked me out for drinks and dinner without other staff, and finally -- when k thought I had made it through the work assignment having fallen in love but refusing to act on it -- decided that he just couldn't say goodbye and go home to his wife without pouring out all of his precious feelings to me. I love you, I don't know how I can say goodbye, I want you to still be in my life, the whole lot.

 

I am not blameless -- he wore me down and I finally took the bait -- but these MM are often unhappy, confused men who are looking outside their marriage for something to fix the issues. Many of us OW were not actively seeking out these men or aggressively pursuing them. I shouldn't have taken the bait....but he shouldn't have told me he loved me.

[Steen719]

It's really simple.

 

I held my spouse 100 percent responsible for his actions, and I hold the ow completely responsible for hers.

 

 

Yep, this says it the best for me.

[Knix]

I don't know about this. Tell this to my xMM who stared at me nonstop for weeks on end during the workday, constantly stopped in my office for lengthy conversation, gave me small but meaningful tokens of affection, asked me out for drinks and dinner without other staff, and finally -- when k thought I had made it through the work assignment having fallen in love but refusing to act on it -- decided that he just couldn't say goodbye and go home to his wife without pouring out all of his precious feelings to me. I love you, I don't know how I can say goodbye, I want you to still be in my life, the whole lot.

 

I am not blameless -- he wore me down and I finally took the bait -- but these MM are often unhappy, confused men who are looking outside their marriage for something to fix the issues. Many of us OW were not actively seeking out these men or aggressively pursuing them. I shouldn't have taken the bait....but he shouldn't have told me he loved me.

 

 

But are you that weak that if a guy says he loves you, you fall for it?

 

 

He's married. He didn't leave his wife to be with you. Must not love you all that much, right?

 

 

I think you need to take some responsibility here as well. He didn't wear you down. If he was, you should have let his wife know what he was trying to do. I guarantee he wouldn't have bothered you again.

 

 

I had this issue a few weeks ago. A guy was pursuing me when I knew he had a gf. I told his gf and she thanked me, I'm sure it hurt her but I was grateful she was smart enough to not blame me.

 

 

With the guy though, he called me a crazy bitch and harassed me for a few days until I blocked him on social media and on my phone. But I don't hear from him anymore. And hopefully she will find a good guy that doesn't cheat or talk **** about her behind her back to other women.

 

 

It pisses me off greatly.

[FoundMyStrength]

But are you that weak that if a guy says he loves you, you fall for it?

 

 

He's married. He didn't leave his wife to be with you. Must not love you all that much, right?

 

 

I think you need to take some responsibility here as well. He didn't wear you down. If he was, you should have let his wife know what he was trying to do. I guarantee he wouldn't have bothered you again.

 

 

I had this issue a few weeks ago. A guy was pursuing me when I knew he had a gf. I told his gf and she thanked me, I'm sure it hurt her but I was grateful she was smart enough to not blame me.

 

 

With the guy though, he called me a crazy bitch and harassed me for a few days until I blocked him on social media and on my phone. But I don't hear from him anymore. And hopefully she will find a good guy that doesn't cheat or talk **** about her behind her back to other women.

 

 

It pisses me off greatly.

 

My point was NOT that I bear no responsibility. In fact I made it clear that I do. And I have discussed in many of my posts about the guilt and shame I have felt from what I did. As well as the consequences that came out of the mostly emotional affair. He didn't have any but I sure did. And I accept them bc I know what I did was wrong.

 

I was refuting the post I quoted which seemed to insinuate that the blame rests mostly on the OW. It's an antiquated view that belongs in the 1950s. The old if only the women kept their legs closed view. In fact, these men often approach us, woo us, harass us, and sometimes -- if they're lucky -- find someone like me who is at a vulnerable point and susceptible to their flattery.

 

My point is that if you're married to a man who cheats, fine, hate the other woman. I would too. I hated myself for a good long time. But good god, the real problem you have is with your husband. I didn't tackle xMM to the ground and.force him to say and do these things. He started it, he followed.through with it, and had every intention of continuing it for a long while until I put an end to it due to my guilt and shame.

 

You may call me weak, but of the two parties involved in that affair, I was the only one with balls enough to realize what we were.doing was wrong and end it. Those MM you seem to think we tempt and trick with our sneaky OW ways are more than willing to stay on the gravy train.

[William]

As the thread starter is decidedly not posting about being involved with a committed partner, my apologies for not catching this violation of our location guidelines sooner and I'll get this moved to the appropriate forum of discussion.

 

What we won't have is taking a general topic of discussion as an opportunity to drill other members on their personal present/past relationships. Of course members are welcomed to start threads on their relationships in the appropriate forum of discussion.

 

Thoughts and opinions on why it is always the other woman's (or man's) fault or not are welcomed. Thanks!

[wmacbride]

When we* think of murderers we hold women to a higher standard, we do not think women should be killers and when they do do that, women are usually demonised to a greater extent than men are.

 

Similarly we tend to think that most women will not betray another woman by sleeping with her husband, that a woman will uphold the sisterhood, that a woman is above cheating, and that a woman will not make little kids miserable by splitting up marriages.

The feeling is that no "decent" woman would do that.

 

When it then becomes obvious that a woman did do that, then it is very easy to demonise that woman.

Men are men, but we tend to expect more from a woman.

It is then much easier to blame and hate that "indecent" and "disgraceful" woman.

 

 

* gen. we.

 

Perhaps this is true on a societal level,but on an individual level, I don't think it's this at all.

 

The ow was involved with a man she knew was married. She knew who I was, had even chatted with me. She participated in an ongoing activity that hurt me, and I hold her responsible for that. If she doesn't like that, too bad, so sad, don't care.