SSCBRM Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 (edited) Okay. I will try to keep this short and sweet but I can be a little long winded. My husband and I have been together since 2005. Married in 2012. Together since I was 18 and he was 27. The relationship started out rocky. We were on and off for several years after he essentially left me for another women after about six months of dating. Looking back at that time I probably was glued to the first person that gave me some positive attention and I thought that we could make it work. Over time things got to a really good place. We decided to get married even though that was never really important to either of us. It felt right and we were strong, so I thought. Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2014. I find out by going through his phone (something I never do but my gut was hollering at me) that he has been in daily communication with another women for a while. I confront him about it and he admits that they talked and flirted a lot and took smoke breaks together at work but that was were it ended. Denied anything else. This is someone that I trusted him with. H went over to their house with me joining once and I had OW over with her two children once. In my home. I was shattered. I'm not someone that trusts easily and I trusted this man with every ounce of myself. He was giving this women something he never gave to me. I would have killed to have him text me all day and show me that attention but I always felt like I was bothering him. Well about two months after I found this out I got pregnant. I think I suppressed the pain as to not stress the baby. After I had the baby I finalized rationalized with myself that two people that are attracted to one another and spending this time alone with each other certainly had to have had some physical contact. I questioned him again and almost a year later I finally find out that the relationship was physically intimate. He claimed he had already ended the physical part before I found out. He told her I was "too nice". 9 years in and I'm "nice". Honestly I think that sticks with me the most. Since then I had him move out for six months. I was pretty lax with my boundaries during the separation. He is now back in the house, for the past year. Things will go well for a while but then these surges of the pain hit me hard. It takes me a long time to fully process things. I am a major over analyzer but just recently things feel so clear to me. I believe that I am keeping my H at arms length emotionally. I don't believe I will ever be able let him back in fully. I resent him so deeply. He's been quite the s**head over the years. At the same time I will always have love for him. Has anyone ever been here? Can anyone relate to any of this? So scared of the pain my next move will make. Edited June 29, 2017 by SSCBRM
aileD Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 There are some people that have the ability to overcome the infidelity of their spouse. And there are some people, who no matter how hard they try, just can't. Neither one of them are bad people....just sometimes, you can't get past something. And you have to learn to live with what you can't rise above. Maybe that's what you're feeling. 5
WilyWill Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 Just make sure you're not paralyzed by guilt. You'll find that 99% of the people in here think that you have every right to move on if you want. Don't feel bad about it. He already left the marriage, so you're certainly entitled to do the same. 4
Chaparral Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 Supposedly, only about 30-35% of the couples that go through infidelity stay married. So you are not alone. It's true a couple is more likely to stay married if the husband cheats than if the wife cheats but the majority of marriages fail if one partner commits adultery. You might gut want to google infidelity statistics for some eye opening stats. Some people can't get over the sex. Some can't get over the lying and betrayal. I simply don't believe a person that loves you, can do that to you. They want to stay married after having an affair for other selfish reasons. 2
Just a Guy Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) Hi SSCBRM, how are you doing? Have you decided on a plan of action? Your child(boy or girl?) will be around two and a half years old now. Your husband's OW is married with children. Have you thought of lnforming her husband? I guess you are also employed and if so, can you support yourself on your income? I suppose in the event of a divorce you would get custody of your child so your husband would have to pay child support and possibly some amount in alimony. Whatever happens keep your head up and keep respecting yourself. Warm wishes. Edited July 1, 2017 by Just a Guy
l8estnews Posted July 4, 2017 Posted July 4, 2017 Your thread subject says "Time to Move On" so I thought you already made that decision... Anyway, if I was that person 6 months ago, I would've said "Let him out!" or "Divorce!" etc. But I guess, I have learned that certain factors must really be considered. Since you said you are an over-analyzer, let me tell my thoughts about your situation. 1.) Your husband is a liar. Not just a basic liar but a liar liar. Personally, one thing I really hate the most is trickle truth. Do that to me even once, we're over. He already had a chance to tell you everything, but he denied the physical part. He only told you about it after you learned that truth. For me, I can't tolerate something like that. I will always wonder what else he is hiding from me. 2.) Can you live alone? I mean, financially? If your decision is to completely severe your ties with your husband, at least file for child support. Make everything legal. 3.) After all the pain and suffering I have been through with life, I have learned that emotions (Even Love) can be blindingly addicting. Even if the person we love treat us like sh*t, we tend to see past that because we believe we can help these person through our love. No. You are a mother. Means, your children needs you, too. And they need you strong, brave, and with self-confidence. And also, happy. Ask yourself: Can you truly, genuinely still be happy with this man? If yes, by all means, stick with the marriage. If you know that he'll just be a poison in your life, by all means, let him go. Don't be afraid to lose a person you already lost along the way. 3
Author SSCBRM Posted July 5, 2017 Author Posted July 5, 2017 Hi SSCBRM, how are you doing? Have you decided on a plan of action? Your child(boy or girl?) will be around two and a half years old now. Your husband's OW is married with children. Have you thought of lnforming her husband? I guess you are also employed and if so, can you support yourself on your income? I suppose in the event of a divorce you would get custody of your child so your husband would have to pay child support and possibly some amount in alimony. Whatever happens keep your head up and keep respecting yourself. Warm wishes. I have decided not to tell the OW husband. At the time I was worried about his reaction and cutting off all communication. Now that they are gone and out of our lives I do not want to bring them back in. I may have done that differently now but it felt like the right thing at the time.
Author SSCBRM Posted July 5, 2017 Author Posted July 5, 2017 Latestnews I really appreciate your response. I think in the beginning I thought staying would be best for my child. But I have come to realize that I may not ever be happy with my H again. And our child deserves to see us both happy without all the underlying tension and resentment. I know all of this and I don't know what I am still holding on to. 1
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