Dating and socioeconomic class

June 30, 2017

Ruby,
I don't know why everyone is jumping on the tooth thing. You said that he didn't bring it up and has only been complimentary. This is your insecurity, and you said that you think it's a significant thing with respect to not fitting into his world. I have two thoughts on it... a) it's fixable, if you were to marry him you'd be able to do that, and b) it's apparently not important to him, and it's probably not nearly as bad as your insecurity over it. If you can let go of the insecurity it will cease to be a limiting factor. I know it's easier said than done, but I believe you should try to make it a non-issue.

You are being presented with an opportunity to move into a higher social stratum. This is universally thought of as desirable, and many great works of literature are based on achievement of this dream. People struggle their whole lives for it, parents strive to gift this opportunity to their children. It is difficult and unusual for people to jump to higher stratum at mid-life, and is usually only accomplished via high intelligence, awakenings and the seizing new educational opportunities after having been limited earlier by lack of finances and belief in the possibility. Even those who manage to move up rarely jump more than a single rung on the ladder.

But here you are with the possibility of doing something that's the subject of books and movies (Cinderella, Pretty Woman, My Fair Lady, etc.). I think you're up to the task if you can get past the insecurity of not being good enough. That's really all that's holding you back, assuming this guy is sincere. That would be my main concern rather than you being up to it. Perfectionism is debilitating. Don't be self-defeating by thinking in those terms.

The key to this is the guy's emotional intelligence (and yours), sincerity, trustworthiness, etc. The risk is the same as for everyone –– going all in and getting your heart broken. If you feel right about him personally, invest in the man and the relationship first and foremost, consider the bump in stratum as a gift from the universe, and try not to question your worthiness.

meh.... I don't view moving up in society through marriage any kind of accomplishment. There is no Cinderella fairy tale in high places, more often there is loneliness with a husband traveling all the time, there are affairs with women in each port, it's well known powerful men cheat, there is social pressure on women to keep looking young, lot of drug used in those high places, especially from lawyers.

Ruby has only been dating this man for 2 weeks..2 weeks! and he has already laid in front of her all of his money and power? that is synonym of poor character to me, then at 2 weeks knowing her he offered to pay for her dental care? eewww!!!

June 30, 2017

There's a blurred line between old money and new money in 2017. A lot of wealthy Gen X and Yers or politicians are .com entrepreneurs, children of immigrants, or come from very modest or even impoverished backgrounds. See Bobby Jindal. And those people hang out with old money people, descendants of Randy Hearst and what not.

The old school Gatsby mentality is pretty dead. Children of old money don't even want to admit it. They want to fit in.

Also, what makes you think you have to be in perfect physical shape to be a high powered politician or wife of one?

Have you ever seen Chris Christie? Lol. He is also, I might add, from a modest background.

High society is more a mentality in 2017. You could be middle class and be more high society than somebody who is much wealthier.

Edited June 30, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

June 30, 2017

meh.... I don't view moving up in society through marriage any kind of accomplishment. There is no Cinderella fairy tale in high places, more often there is loneliness with a husband traveling all the time, there are affairs with women in each port, it's well known powerful men cheat, there is social pressure on women to keep looking young, lot of drug used in those high places, especially from lawyers.

Ruby has only been dating this man for 2 weeks..2 weeks! and he has already laid in front of her all of his money and power? that is synonym of poor character to me, then at 2 weeks knowing her he offered to pay for her dental care? eewww!!!

This is nothing more than a story you're playing in your head. Not related to anything objective at all. Why do you need to rain on her parade? And she didn't say that he suggested she needed dental work. It amazes me how the women are being so negative. Envious? Nah, couldn't possibly be.

June 30, 2017

Ugh maybe is cultural but I was raised thinking marrying up to change social stratums as a refined form of prostitution...

However - OP is indeed dating the dude for two weeks! It is not even a relationship, just dating a near-stranger who is trying to brag about his 'status' already. From all that I read he's just an attorney, not a prince, it's nice being an attorney but nothing special to brag about. Maybe this is his strategy to have sex with OP faster if they haven't already, but his behavior doesn't seem class - I'm reading an aging dude looking for fast sex and hitting the money/power button...

meh.... I don't view moving up in society through marriage any kind of accomplishment. There is no Cinderella fairy tale in high places, more often there is loneliness with a husband traveling all the time, there are affairs with women in each port, it's well known powerful men cheat, there is social pressure on women to keep looking young, lot of drug used in those high places, especially from lawyers.

Ruby has only been dating this man for 2 weeks..2 weeks! and he has already laid in front of her all of his money and power? that is synonym of poor character to me, then at 2 weeks knowing her he offered to pay for her dental care? eewww!!!

June 30, 2017

I don't think Gaeta is negative, just realistic. If a guy that I've met 2 weeks ago offers to pay for anything more than coffee/meal, it will be a giant red flag. If he dude comments on my appearance and changing it - second red flag. Commenting of his 'status' in a 2 week 'relationship' - triple red flag.

This is nothing more than a story you're playing in your head. Not related to anything objective at all. Why do you need to rain on her parade? And she didn't say that he suggested she needed dental work. It amazes me how the women are being so negative. Envious? Nah, couldn't possibly be.

June 30, 2017

I don't think Gaeta is negative, just realistic. If a guy that I've met 2 weeks ago offers to pay for anything more than coffee/meal, it will be a giant red flag. If he dude comments on my appearance and changing it - second red flag. Commenting of his 'status' in a 2 week 'relationship' - triple red flag.

But we don't know that any of this was revealed in a bragging way, and we don't know that he even implied that she needed to change her appearance or offered to pay for dental work. All of these are assumptions/interpretations, not what Ruby said. She said that he has been extremely proper and gentlemanly. It's certainly a surprise to me that the women are seeing problems everywhere despite Ruby saying the opposite.

June 30, 2017

This is nothing more than a story you're playing in your head. Not related to anything objective at all. Why do you need to rain on her parade? And she didn't say that he suggested she needed dental work. It amazes me how the women are being so negative. Envious? Nah, couldn't possibly be.

My response is based on facts.

* She met him a few short days before June 24th. That is 2 weeks. Who lays out his fortune and contacts in high places in 2 weeks dating?

* He said good dental care will be available to her. That means HE will provide her with good dental care, that means he will be paying for it. Who says that within 2 weeks dating?? It's not the same as innocently responding to her insecurity about your teeth.

I asked Ruby, twice, to explain how he came to say this to her but she is skipping my question each time.

I am only concerned.

June 30, 2017

He said good dental care will be available to her.

Is that an exact quote? If so, please state the post number.

I went back and scanned all of her posts and I didn't see it. What I saw was something about good dental coverage being important. But no dental coverage pays for cosmetic work as far as I know. That could've been said in a different context altogether.

June 30, 2017

At 2 weeks I don't think any of us REALLY know. It will come out in time.

I've met many guys who throw around what they do and so forth as a way to impress. IME when men date women, in the beginning especially, they go into impress mode. In some men it can be asking too many questions, dominating a conversation, bringing up money, etc. When he mellows out a bit this may or not go away.

Ruby you have to remember you are interviewing him as well. Just keep being true to yourself and you'll learn whether you two match or not. Just remember to stay true to yourself and try not to let the hypothetical future scare you. If he continues with you and things get more serious, then he is implying he is good with how you fit into his life. You can always ask him for details about what events are like and google things like table manners.

June 30, 2017

He's already very gently suggested he'll make sure I have the best dental care.

Here is it, #25

June 30, 2017

Of course it is all assumptions/interpretations based on what we read, that's why is a forum for entertainment, not a place to get legal advice.

After reading people's stories for a long time people start recognizing patterns - that's why the apparent negativity. I personally hated as well when I got negative opinions in my own threads but guess what - I wish I listened... people were spot on.

But we don't know that any of this was revealed in a bragging way, and we don't know that he even implied that she needed to change her appearance or offered to pay for dental work. All of these are assumptions/interpretations, not what Ruby said. She said that he has been extremely proper and gentlemanly. It's certainly a surprise to me that the women are seeing problems everywhere despite Ruby saying the opposite.

June 30, 2017

But we don't know that any of this was revealed in a bragging way,

Look below: saying all that to a woman you've had a couple of dates with is bragging. She did not need all of that information at 2 weeks dating. She only needed to know he's a lawyer but all the stuff about significant wealth, prestigious university, worked on major legislation ....that's bragging at this point.

revealed that he comes from a high society family of significant wealth (millions). He's a very accomplished attorney, went to a prestigious and expensive private university, has worked on major legislation with the House and Senate. Part of his career is hobnobbing with the rich and powerful. He's extremely intelligent and polished

June 30, 2017

Thanks for the comments. I feel the thread has run its course. In reviewing I see I'm not communicating clearly. In truth, he didn't "reveal" anything. He just talked about his life and family in a natural way and I put two and two together. He's not flashy at all, which I love. We're going to a nice but casual restaurant tonight.

I haven't replied on the comment about the dentist because I don't remember the context or exact words. We're both very verbal and wordy and we've had tons of sparkling conversation already, and I don't remember every detail of what's been said. Mainly I was using my teeth as one example that makes my different class background apparent.

I'll let the thread fade, because getting to know him is a joy and that's what I'm focusing on. I don't need to pick it all apart. I'm enjoying the romance, but I've got my feet on the ground.

salparadise, love your thoughts. He has also observed and pointed out how my perfectionism is tripping me up.

He admires his parents' marriage, says they're still crazy in love after half a century and he wants all that, too. He describes himself as an old-school Southern gentleman, and he so is.

Thanks for the ideas.

June 30, 2017

I'm enjoying the romance, but I've got my feet on the ground.

That sounds reassuring. Good luck with everything Ruby.

June 30, 2017

revealed that he comes from a high society family of significant wealth (millions). He's a very accomplished attorney, went to a prestigious and expensive private university, has worked on major legislation with the House and Senate. Part of his career is hobnobbing with the rich and powerful. He's extremely intelligent and polished

In my post #25, I suspected that the guy might be too "high maintenance" after reading that dental remark...

But reading this paragraph you quoted again, I think the OP might be making too big of a deal of the actual situation:

- The most prestigious and expensive private universities in the US are the Ivy league colleges (or Stanford, MIT, etc.). While it's nice to get degree(s) from a top school, it's definitely not that special;

- Each piece of major legislation in the US involves LOTS and LOTS of staff members from the federal government, including many many small potatoes. Having worked on major legislations may not be that big of a deal, really;

- In this time and age, I don't think a family having millions can be considered significant wealth. We'll need to know the exact number (whether it's 3 million or 300 million).

June 30, 2017

I find men from the Deep South to be so attractive!!!!!!

Good luck my friend!!!

June 30, 2017

- In this time and age, I don't think a family having millions can be considered significant wealth. We'll need to know the exact number (whether it's 3 million or 300 million).

If a man has wealth, no matter the size, he usually will not mention it to a woman he is only casually dating. These men don't want any gold digger after them. I just found particular at 2 weeks he speaks freely of his family wealth. I am not rich but I make more then men I date and I don't talk about it. After 1,5 year my bf still does not know what I earn.

June 30, 2017

I just find lots of over the top negativity and pettiness coming from women in this thread. This is what bothers me about women in general. It's like even if they have relationships they are happy in, they seem envious if some woman lands a wealthier men or a better looking man or whatever. I can't see any other reason for this negativity.

Personally, I don't see anything negative about this man at all, the only negative thing I see is Ruby's own insecurity. Enjoy Ruby, this story has given me a little hope

June 30, 2017

If a man has wealth, no matter the size, he usually will not mention it to a woman he is only casually dating. These men don't want any gold digger after them. I just found particular at 2 weeks he speaks freely of his family wealth. I am not rich but I make more then men I date and I don't talk about it. After 1,5 year my bf still does not know what I earn.

I see your concern. I myself had a very brief experience on OLD (a few weeks). I remember meeting this guy for the first time (he's a businessman), and found it rather odd that he would be telling me the exact figures of his business deals (in millions).

June 30, 2017

I just find lots of over the top negativity and pettiness coming from women in this thread. This is what bothers me about women in general. It's like even if they have relationships they are happy in, they seem envious if some woman lands a wealthier men or a better looking man or whatever. I can't see any other reason for this negativity.

Personally, I don't see anything negative about this man at all, the only negative thing I see is Ruby's own insecurity. Enjoy Ruby, this story has given me a little hope

Your perception.

I already had a wealthy man and it was the most miserable time of my life. No thank you, never again. Maybe it's because I have been there that I see in between the lines and you don't.

June 30, 2017

Bingo - we're all bitter spinsters jealous of the dating life of strangers in the internet space . For the record I never compared my dates/bf on a scale to someone else's date/bf - it is ridiculous thing to do imo.

I respond to threads only if I can identify a relatable situation from my own life and eventually give advice. Whether or not the poster in question reads it and takes it or not , is really not a concern of mine. I just saw things that would strike me as red flags and expressed opinion - obviously if op thinks otherwise, it is her call, in the end she is dating the man.

I just find lots of over the top negativity and pettiness coming from women in this thread. This is what bothers me about women in general. It's like even if they have relationships they are happy in, they seem envious if some woman lands a wealthier men or a better looking man or whatever. I can't see any other reason for this negativity.

Personally, I don't see anything negative about this man at all, the only negative thing I see is Ruby's own insecurity. Enjoy Ruby, this story has given me a little hope

June 30, 2017

Thank you, ES. You get it

June 30, 2017

But I have zero experience dating a man in this situation, and I'm wondering if anybody does and has any tips.

No one wants to play second fiddle to a deceased spouse.

June 30, 2017

He does not have a deceased wife. He has a deceased ex wife.

They divorced 4 years ago then she died. How does that make him a widow?

June 30, 2017

Thanks for the input folks; the thread starter requested the topic be tabled so we've closed it for now. They are welcome to continue the discussion at any time.

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Dating and socioeconomic class

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