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struggling with thought of ex moving on

Benji1991

By Benji1991
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Benji1991 Member

Benji1991

Posted
Posted

Hello all, so the other day day I made the decision to split with my girlfriend because I realised I wasnt in love with her and I didnt want to marry her...we were sortof together for 4 years

 

now, there is just one main thing that is tormenting me about it, the thought of her giving her love to someone else.

 

imagining her being intimate with someone and forgetting about me...makes me feel sick...my mind is constantly filled with thoughts of her on that first date with someone new...etc

 

I really feel this is going to be THE biggest barrier to me moving on completely.

 

I know there may be posters out there who think "well, shes not your girlfriend anymore, its nothing to do with you" but thats not going to help me or her, this is a real life situation, please be compassionate

 

Thankyou for your help ...

  • 4 weeks later...
AHopelessRomantic Member

AHopelessRomantic

Posted
Posted

I understand you completely. I'm the same way. Just understand that way of thinking is very self-absorbed. You can't do anything about this except to stop being self-absorbed.

 

It's also extremely self-absorbed for the fact that you don't even feel anything for her. You're literally just not comfy with the fact that someone else could have her attention. Being a bit of an attention whore lol I understand. I JUST had to come to my senses today with an ex who cheated a few days ago with a girl he doesn't even like in that way.

 

I realized today he brought no value to my life. The only thing that pisses me off is the thought of him looking at someone as worthy of his time besides me. Very self-absorbed lol That's insecurity. You want the validation of having her attention. That's all you want. That has nothing to do with the relationship. This is a personal void.

  • Like 1
stockyoldfrump Member

stockyoldfrump

Posted
Posted

I think everyone struggles with this. As someone who was dumped and very much loved (and still loves) his former partner, I certainly cringe at the thought of her moving on and being with someone new. If I'm being truthful, that's the number one reason for my personal no contact. I can't bear to hear about it, see it, or even know, if possible.

 

At the same time, I want it to happen. I know I can't see it because it's not healthy for me, but she deserves love and optimism and joy. The greatest source of pain, I think, stems from how deeply I believe she deserves those things and the subsequent sense of failure in having not been able to provide them for her. Yet, I still believe she should have them from another and hope, ultimately, she does.

 

In a weird way, this might be harder if you don't really love your ex. Because then, there really isn't a silver lining. It's just the blow to your ego and nothing else. For someone who loves the person they were with, the pain might be more intense, but there's still some sliver of hope that the life you ultimately wanted for them can still be theirs, even if it happens with someone else.

 

I guess, try to love her. If not romantically, at least as a human being you once cared for. Try to convince yourself that the best thing you can be is the type of person who'd want love for those they've loved in even the smallest way. Feel like a martyr if you need to, but try to take your self-esteem not from the fact that she's miserable you've moved on, but from the fact that you're a big enough person to be happy she has. Like everything else about break ups, this has to be about you trying to grow for you.

  • Like 4
Stones New Member

Stones

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi

 

This is my first post here. I stumbled across your thread because I'm going through tough times myself with the ex seeing somebody new. I was the dumper myself as well.

 

My best advice is to really search within yourself if leaving was the right call. if it's you eating up inside, the thought about her being with somebody new before it has happened then you still have strong feelings for her. It's your responsibility to figure out if you didn't make a mistake breaking up. You might be suffering from the 'grass is greener syndrome'. Most relationships ends up being drowned in routines and the daily life. You end up forgetting what brought you together in the first place.

 

You owe it to yourself to figure out of you made the right call. If you wholeheartedly believe you did then understand, what you are feeling is completely natural. She is having the same thoughts you have

Edited by Stones
  • Like 2
PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted
I know there may be posters out there who think "well, shes not your girlfriend anymore, its nothing to do with you" but thats not going to help me or her, this is a real life situation, please be compassionate

You don't get to dictate how people respond to your post. Responders will say what you need to hear, which may not be what you want to hear. And so...

 

Well, shes not your girlfriend anymore, its nothing to do with you.

 

Not only that, but you dumped her! I could understand your feelings if you got dumped or cheated on or forced to be apart. But you chose to dump her. You don't want her. But you don't want anyone else to have her either?

 

Sorry, this is the height of selfishness and you need to get over yourself.

  • Like 4
fieldoflavender Established Member

fieldoflavender

Posted
Posted

Yeah I can't believe this. YOU did not want to be with her, yet you have trouble moving on because she's supposed to stay single and miserably alone pinning for you while you can then move on and be with someone else?

 

I think she's better off without you.

  • Like 2
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Hello all, so the other day day I made the decision to split with my girlfriend because I realised I wasnt in love with her and I didnt want to marry her...we were sortof together for 4 years

 

now, there is just one main thing that is tormenting me about it, the thought of her giving her love to someone else.

 

imagining her being intimate with someone and forgetting about me...makes me feel sick...my mind is constantly filled with thoughts of her on that first date with someone new...etc

 

I really feel this is going to be THE biggest barrier to me moving on completely.

 

I know there may be posters out there who think "well, shes not your girlfriend anymore, its nothing to do with you" but thats not going to help me or her, this is a real life situation, please be compassionate

 

Thankyou for your help ...

 

You don't want her but you don't want anyone else to have her either?????

 

That's just being territorial -- that's a hallmark narcissistic trait.

 

I'd like to be compassionate but there no easy way to tell you that you are self-involved, controlling, egoistic and a confused man.

 

Get really busy with your life and stay single.

  • Like 2
Spartakooty Established Member

Spartakooty

Posted
Posted

People need to understand that sex is fundamentally the easiest part to get going again. Could be with a friend, could be with a complete stranger. An attractive woman could throw a rock and hit someone to sleep with. You broke up. Suck it up. A genuine relationship isn't about the sex. Sure it will bother you, did for me for about 3 minutes, but hell, she can fill her boots with a mountain of c**k. If her heart ain't in it, it doesn't add up to much. It's just physical...and fun.

Greenhawk84 Member

Greenhawk84

Posted
Posted

Well you said you aren't in love with her so I guess you are just being possessive? You did a strong thing but now sticking to it is going to test you. You may feel regret, but remember what you said about loving her. It's in her best interest to find a person who will love her and for you to find someone you truly are compatible with. No matter what, this road has its downside, even if you weren't that invested.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

So you don't wish her happiness in the future? Of course she's going to move on and find another. You surely took that into consideration when you broke it off with her. How you feel isn't unusual. Over and over I've seen a break up and then as soon as the ex hears the ex-gf is dating again, he desperately tries to get her back -- but that never works out. No problems have been solved. He doesn't want her, but he doesn't want anyone else to have her. It's basically selfish not to wish her a good life if she ever meant anything to you. And it's kind of an ego things, to be honest. You dumped her but you can't stand the thought of her loving someone else, but of course she will. You have to accept that you are a little immature in this regard and also maybe that what you felt for her was not that deep or you'd wish her happiness deep in your heart somewhere, even if you don't want to watch her with another man, which is normal enough.

JDPT Established Member

JDPT

Posted
Posted

You need to allow yourself to go through the pain of this loss. Life will go on for the both of you, live in the present and be very diligent in your recovery. Take advantage of friends and family and if need be a therapist to get you through these hard times. Don't turn to drugs or alcohol they will only exacerbate your current emotional state. We want to make sure that you go through this breakup as smoothly as possible, process it and learn from it so that you develop a set of skills necessary for when and if this happens again. It'll be ok be gentle and in time you'll heal.

  • Like 1
brokenheart415 Member

brokenheart415

Posted
Posted (edited)
Hello all, so the other day day I made the decision to split with my girlfriend because I realised I wasnt in love with her and I didnt want to marry her...we were sortof together for 4 years

 

now, there is just one main thing that is tormenting me about it, the thought of her giving her love to someone else.

 

imagining her being intimate with someone and forgetting about me...makes me feel sick...my mind is constantly filled with thoughts of her on that first date with someone new...etc

 

I really feel this is going to be THE biggest barrier to me moving on completely.

 

I know there may be posters out there who think "well, shes not your girlfriend anymore, its nothing to do with you" but thats not going to help me or her, this is a real life situation, please be compassionate

 

Thankyou for your help ...

 

Relationships are not about ownership. It's about sharing. Remember you do not own anyone, you never did. You have to make a clear decision, whether you want her or not. Emotions are a hard thing to deal with, she's probably not dealing with it well and probably needs someone to comfort her. If you don't want her, then you have to fully let her go and be free. If you're upset because she moved on, maybe you never moved on in the beginning. You need to sort things out with yourself first. Sorry to be blunt. If you don't want to know, don't check on her Facebook or anything like that. Gotta follow the no contact rule and stay away. It'll be hard, but that's the best thing you can do.

Edited by brokenheart415
  • Like 1
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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