maggiecheungs Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 So, I'm a little paranoid that the person of interest may come across this, so I will change some things. I recently graduated from university. This past semester (which was my last), I took a class that was being offered by one of my favourite professors. In addition the TA for the class was a student who's advisor is this professor. I've known the TA for almost two years now, so what happened was kind of strange for me because he is not exactly my type at all. In the past I considered this TA to be kind of a jerk because he is very well known for being a VERY harsh grader, and he didn't exactly come off as 'warm' when approached for help regarding the classes he was a TA for. Around the fourth week of classes, something began to change regarding how I saw my TA and what I picked up from them. In the beginning of the fourth week, the TA came early to class and I was already there. I could tell he was taken aback by something when he looked at me when he came into the classroom, and from my experience with men, that he thought I looked attractive that day. That Friday I was walking across campus, and I noticed him standing while waiting for a bus, and was staring right at me and smiling. I was kind of confused by this, and just looked at him and continued to walk to my destination. It was after this encounter that I began considering the fact that it was possible that he found me to be attractive. I also began to look at him in another light.After this encounter, I decided it was maybe a good idea to spend more time around him to get to know him better, via attending discussion and office hours. I also began to notice something else while in class: he and I would always make eye contact with one another. We would always look at each other as either to a response that was said in class, or really whenever. This is something that I began to really notice and basically happened during every class. I also on several occasions noticed him staring at me, one time I actually had been looking in another direction, then turned my head to face him, and he was just staring at me. He immediately showed signs of embarrassment. Basically, over the course of the semester I could more or less tell that we found each other to be attractive. I found myself kind of in a sticky situation because he was my TA and I couldn't openly "hit on him", so I tried in other ways to get more information from him (like asking simple questions). More or less he's the most reserved person I have ever met. I also found it difficult to read him sometimes. My overall goal was to ask him out on a date at the end of the semester, and based upon our interactions with each other I was quite confident that he would say yes. So the day I asked him out I had one last interaction with him at office hours, and following this office hour was a presentation by his mentor. During the presentation I noticed from the corner of my eye that he was looking at me. So I decided later in the day, that I would ask him out. So, I asked him out and when I got a response from him, I was rather shocked and disappointed. He told me quintessentially, that he could not go on a date with me, because he already had an "it's complicated" with someone else right now. I looked back to a particular encounter during one discussion, where I found it kind of odd that he was super persistent in helping this girl rehome a pet of hers. He said his 'friend' was moving across the country really soon, and needed to rehome her pet. He stated that he had advertised this pet to everyone he knew, including the staff and other TA's in several departments. I took it that this was the person that he was in a "complicated situation" with because it seemed odd that someone would go out of their way to help someone for this pet, unless they had some sort of emotional attachment to them. I also thought it was really strange that as reserved as he is, out of the two years I've known him, I've only heard him say about 5 personal things related to his life...that he would inform me that he was in a "complicated situation". Many people tell me that I should just move on and date other people and just forget about this guy, while some people tell me that maybe he will come around after he gets over this female friend of his. Any other thoughts?
basil67 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 I'm sorry Maggie, I think you've mistaken friendly smiles for romantic interest. Time to move on. 2
Author maggiecheungs Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 It wasn't just "friendly smiles", he was constantly looking at staring at me..... Not to mention I felt that he put distance between himself and I (as I am attracted to emotionally distant men and quickly picked up on this).
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 You seem like the kind of person who makes a lot of assumptions and incorrectly reads people and situations....I'm a bit of the same way and sometimes I am way, way off. He said no, so you should move on. He may be "emotionally distant" because there are no emotions there toward you. 3
basil67 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 It wasn't just "friendly smiles", he was constantly looking at staring at me..... Not to mention I felt that he put distance between himself and I (as I am attracted to emotionally distant men and quickly picked up on this). When someone puts distance between themselves and us, it's generally a sign that they don't want to be involved. I really think you got the wrong end of the stick here. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 You have graduated. Especially if he's still on campus it's going to be an out of sight out of mind thing. He probably did think you were attractive but he's still more invested in his complicated thing. Let it go. 3
Author maggiecheungs Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 I'm usually not wrong when I go by my gut instincts. My friend says he probably put distance between himself and I because he thought I was attractive and due to his TA job, and the other girl. As the semester went on I felt this distance pick up. I still don't understand why he didn't just tell me he was seeing someone. To me, when I see "complicated" that is not something positive.
basil67 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 (edited) I'm usually not wrong when I go by my gut instincts. My friend says he probably put distance between himself and I because he thought I was attractive and due to his TA job, and the other girl. As the semester went on I felt this distance pick up. I still don't understand why he didn't just tell me he was seeing someone. To me, when I see "complicated" that is not something positive. Your friend could be right. But, finding you attractive doesn't mean that he wanted a romantic entanglement with you. And he might also have been increasing the distance because he was aware of your attraction and didn't want to encourage it. Either way, emotionally distant = not interested. He didn't share the fact that he was seeing anyone because a) he wasn't the sharing type and b) it was none of your business. He's a TA who held his distance - not a guy who asked you out on a date. You say that you've got a history of being attracted to emotionally distant men. How does this work out for you? Do you find them to be satisfactory partners? Edited June 28, 2017 by basil67 1
act00 Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 He is probably attracted to you. This doesn't mean he's willing to date you or have a relationship with you. People have boundaries. He's involved with someone. He's not a cheater. If times were different, if he wasn't your TA and if he wasn't involved with someone, maybe be would have taken you up on your invitation once you were no longer his student. Unfortunately, the timing is off. It was fun and flirtatious and now it's time to let it go. I do agree that maybe some time in the future, you could possibly connect. He says "it's complicated," and who knows if he's on the verge of a breakup. Maybe in a semester or two, you'll bump into each other on campus or if you're in your upper studies, you'll see him frequently, and if the timing is right, you could end up going out. In the meantime, consider him unavailable and go on with your life. Date other men. Have a relationship. If it's meant to be, at some point, you'll both be in a place it can happen. 1
Author maggiecheungs Posted June 29, 2017 Author Posted June 29, 2017 He is probably attracted to you. This doesn't mean he's willing to date you or have a relationship with you. People have boundaries. He's involved with someone. He's not a cheater. If times were different, if he wasn't your TA and if he wasn't involved with someone, maybe be would have taken you up on your invitation once you were no longer his student. Unfortunately, the timing is off. It was fun and flirtatious and now it's time to let it go. I do agree that maybe some time in the future, you could possibly connect. He says "it's complicated," and who knows if he's on the verge of a breakup. Maybe in a semester or two, you'll bump into each other on campus or if you're in your upper studies, you'll see him frequently, and if the timing is right, you could end up going out. In the meantime, consider him unavailable and go on with your life. Date other men. Have a relationship. If it's meant to be, at some point, you'll both be in a place it can happen. I am no longer his student, so he's not my TA anymore and I graduated. I told him if it doesn't work out, ill still be in town for another year.
Author maggiecheungs Posted June 29, 2017 Author Posted June 29, 2017 Also she wasn't a girlfriend he only referred to her as being a "friend".
Ieris Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 @maggiecheungs ~ Don't wait for this guy.. I think you want him more because he said no to you. I have no doubt he is attracted to you, so just take the ego boost and leave it as that. If he wants something to happen, he knows where to find you but don't sit around waiting because that just makes you look low value. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 Also she wasn't a girlfriend he only referred to her as being a "friend". That doesn't mean she's not his girlfriend. It COULD mean he's a jerk, though . 2
act00 Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 Also she wasn't a girlfriend he only referred to her as being a "friend". He said he's involved in a complicated situation with "someone else." I'm sure you've read many times here on the board that people cannot refer to each other as "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" unless there is "a talk." So I wouldn't put much stock in use of the word "friend." There's way more going on there than just "friend," IMO, and someone who is evading his/her relationship status to an attraction/crush may say "friend," so as to avoid letting you know he is in a relationship because he wants to keep that door open. I don't know, but I think you're putting more stock in the "friend" comment than the "complicated situation" comment and the other indicators that there is more going on with this woman than meets the eye. He is trying to rehome her dog. The dog-lady might be a friend, but there's another woman who is his girlfriend. No one knows. Maybe this woman is "just a friend," but whatever is going on in this guy's life, this "friend" is precluding him from pursuing something with you, end of story...and that's assuming you aren't just a crush or something tasty to look at. Life is full of attractions. It doesn't mean we act on them. 1
Author maggiecheungs Posted June 29, 2017 Author Posted June 29, 2017 That doesn't mean she's not his girlfriend. It COULD mean he's a jerk, though . TBH he reminded me of my time in casual situation with guys where I was the one with feelings for the other person so I don't think he was being a jerk per say. But I won't wait around for him.
Author maggiecheungs Posted June 29, 2017 Author Posted June 29, 2017 He said he's involved in a complicated situation with "someone else." I'm sure you've read many times here on the board that people cannot refer to each other as "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" unless there is "a talk." So I wouldn't put much stock in use of the word "friend." There's way more going on there than just "friend," IMO, and someone who is evading his/her relationship status to an attraction/crush may say "friend," so as to avoid letting you know he is in a relationship because he wants to keep that door open. I don't know, but I think you're putting more stock in the "friend" comment than the "complicated situation" comment and the other indicators that there is more going on with this woman than meets the eye. He is trying to rehome her dog. The dog-lady might be a friend, but there's another woman who is his girlfriend. No one knows. Maybe this woman is "just a friend," but whatever is going on in this guy's life, this "friend" is precluding him from pursuing something with you, end of story...and that's assuming you aren't just a crush or something tasty to look at. Life is full of attractions. It doesn't mean we act on them. TBH she was abandoning her cat to move across the country and he was okay with that, and he thinks of himself as someone "who really likes cats". I'm 98% certain the cat woman was the woman involved. He was so committed in rehoming her cat, he showed us all in discussion asking us if anyone was interested in rehoming his friend's cat. I wouldn't go out of my way for something like that unless they were someone that I liked or was a family member. IMO I felt the "complicated" status was a way for him to keep the door open, as opposed to simply saying "I'm seeing someone". If he had simply said "I'm seeing someone" I would have moved on pretty fast, where as I was wondering "what does he mean by complicated? Does that man he's not sure where it's going?"
basil67 Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 IMO I felt the "complicated" status was a way for him to keep the door open, as opposed to simply saying "I'm seeing someone". If he had simply said "I'm seeing someone" I would have moved on pretty fast, where as I was wondering "what does he mean by complicated? Does that man he's not sure where it's going?" "It's complicated" means "I'm in a messy on again/off again relationship". Sure, he could become single and you make a move...and it would be all well and good until their relationship starts up again. That's what complicated relationships are like. Did he ask you to give him time? If not, stop analysing this stuff and move on. 2
Author maggiecheungs Posted June 29, 2017 Author Posted June 29, 2017 "It's complicated" means "I'm in a messy on again/off again relationship". Sure, he could become single and you make a move...and it would be all well and good until their relationship starts up again. That's what complicated relationships are like. Did he ask you to give him time? If not, stop analysing this stuff and move on. So in other words his relationship isn't likely to go on for very much longer... I won't wait around though. Maybe he will contact me when he feels better about it, if he doesn't then well lol.
Maggie4 Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 I read through the whole thing, anticipating at the end you would reveal that the TA was actually in a relationship (homosexual, if it so happens..) with the Professor! One time, I really thought this professor was interested in me. All the signs were there, him stealing glances at me, etc. Turned out he was gay, and was in a relationship with another gay professor in the department. How could I have been so wrong, following my gut instincts? I was clueless. And here I am on LS trying to give advice... 2
Author maggiecheungs Posted June 29, 2017 Author Posted June 29, 2017 "It's complicated" means "I'm in a messy on again/off again relationship". Sure, he could become single and you make a move...and it would be all well and good until their relationship starts up again. That's what complicated relationships are like. Did he ask you to give him time? If not, stop analysing this stuff and move on. Also I found him on tinder....
basil67 Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 Also I found him on tinder.... In that case, the "it's complicated" was him making excuses to not see you without having to outright say "I'm really not interested". If he's on a dating/hookup site, but still knocking you back - then he's really, truly not into you. You really have to let any idea of him go. 1
Author maggiecheungs Posted June 29, 2017 Author Posted June 29, 2017 I read through the whole thing, anticipating at the end you would reveal that the TA was actually in a relationship (homosexual, if it so happens..) with the Professor! One time, I really thought this professor was interested in me. All the signs were there, him stealing glances at me, etc. Turned out he was gay, and was in a relationship with another gay professor in the department. How could I have been so wrong, following my gut instincts? I was clueless. And here I am on LS trying to give advice... omg LOL My friend thought our professor was gay....
Author maggiecheungs Posted June 29, 2017 Author Posted June 29, 2017 "It's complicated" means "I'm in a messy on again/off again relationship". Sure, he could become single and you make a move...and it would be all well and good until their relationship starts up again. That's what complicated relationships are like. Did he ask you to give him time? If not, stop analysing this stuff and move on. I don't think so. I emailed him when I asked him out, (I had no other way) and he's someone who is super selective with his emails. I think if he wasn't interested he would simply had not replied. There's been occasions where I email him about important things regarding assignments and he doesn't respond. So I think that there was another girl. Pretty sure he met her off tinder though.
basil67 Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 I don't think so. I emailed him when I asked him out, (I had no other way) and he's someone who is super selective with his emails. I think if he wasn't interested he would simply had not replied. There's been occasions where I email him about important things regarding assignments and he doesn't respond. So I think that there was another girl. Pretty sure he met her off tinder though. I'm really not sure what you want from us. Is it for us to tell you that he secretly wants you and will come for you when the time is right?
Author maggiecheungs Posted June 29, 2017 Author Posted June 29, 2017 I'm really not sure what you want from us. Is it for us to tell you that he secretly wants you and will come for you when the time is right? yes. that is it.
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