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I think my insecurities destroyed us even though I felt my insecurities were signs.

Ronni

By Ronni
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Just spoke to her on the phone and my insecurities started to creep in. Is this an illness I have? Is professional help the only solution?

 

You are right, there are things I can do better than him: She has often told me I am the best lover she has had and that he was useless haha

 

It's possible, but only a professional can accurately assess that.

 

And yes, in your case with the extreme and irrational jealousy, I would say professional help really is the only way to go. I tried to convince my ex to seek help but he refused. He couldn't just "think" himself better either - so I dumped him and have not once regretted it. That will be you too if you don't seek proper help.

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Ronni Member

Ronni

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The past few days have been ok

 

Today, after she worked a 14 hour shift yesterday, wasn't in the best of moods and didn't feel like doing much. Money is tight this forthcoming month and she was very subdued and not very social. We had a day out at the park and then came home before she had to embark on a night shift tonight. Due to her mood today I thought she was being off with me and I asked if it was anything to do with me to which she said it wasn't.

She left for work about an hour ago and she tried to kiss me on the cheek, I gave her my lips and tried to kiss her passionately but she had to go. I asked why she wanted to kiss me on the cheek and not the lips and she said "whats wrong with that?" I told her I didn't like it and that we aren't just friends. She then went to work.

 

We are both gonna be off work together tomorrow and she said she has a lot of house work to do, I am gonna help her out but I just know we are not gonna have any intimate time together tomorrow afternoon when its all done. She never initiates and I often wonder if she finds me attractive. If I came on to her, it would be as if I was guilt tripping her into sex and she would just do it to make me happy. I only ever want her to have sex with me if she really wants to. Her body language during sex sometimes suggests she is just doing it for me.

1fish2fish Established Member

1fish2fish

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The past few days have been ok

 

 

She left for work about an hour ago and she tried to kiss me on the cheek, I gave her my lips and tried to kiss her passionately but she had to go. I asked why she wanted to kiss me on the cheek and not the lips and she said "whats wrong with that?" I told her I didn't like it and that we aren't just friends. She then went to work.

 

 

 

You are your own worst enemy here. There is nothing more exhausting than having to cater to another person's insecurity.

 

This little episode would have completely pissed me off. She was already stressed out and on her way to work, and you go in for a passionate kiss and then ask her why she offered a cheek instead?? Seriously?? She was on her way out the freakin' door!

 

I'm sorry, Ronni, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you are not able to be a partner to anyone right now. You are more worried about YOUR feelings and how she feels about YOU than anything else.

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springy Established Member

springy

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Agree with the above. Also, leave the wedding photos alone. That's something she may want to share with her child some day; besides that they are in a box. If you don't figure out a way to pull yourself together you are going to kill this relationship completely. She probably has lost a good chunk of attraction toward you so it makes sense that she's not initiating sex. She's having to prop you up so much that your draining what's left of her energy.

 

Keep turning every molehill into a mountain and you will drive her away for good.

 

Your level of insecurity is so severe I find it hard to believe this was never a problem before her. Your outlook is so bleak. I wish you luck, I hope you are able to find relief soon.

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Ronni Member

Ronni

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Agree with the above. Also, leave the wedding photos alone. That's something she may want to share with her child some day; besides that they are in a box. If you don't figure out a way to pull yourself together you are going to kill this relationship completely. She probably has lost a good chunk of attraction toward you so it makes sense that she's not initiating sex. She's having to prop you up so much that your draining what's left of her energy.

 

Keep turning every molehill into a mountain and you will drive her away for good.

 

Your level of insecurity is so severe I find it hard to believe this was never a problem before her. Your outlook is so bleak. I wish you luck, I hope you are able to find relief soon.

 

 

Why would she show her wedding photos to her child? Do you realise that is not fair on me and confusing to her child.

 

Yesterday morning after she came home from work, she cleaned downstairs and I cleaned upstairs. We were both sitting on the bed and she started to hug and kiss me. One thing led to another and we had sex. We then went about the rest of our day. I picked the child up from school and took her to dance class whilst she prepared dinner. Last night we got on well and had a quiet night. Had a little kiss in bed and cuddled and it could have led to more but her child started crying so she went to her. Things seem to be better right now.

 

I can carry on this way and if I have to, bite my tongue

1fish2fish Established Member

1fish2fish

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Why would she show her wedding photos to her child? Do you realise that is not fair on me and confusing to her child.

 

 

Because it's the CHILD'S FATHER! Good grief! It's not all about you! He was an important part of your gf's life at one time! Besides, the photos are IN A BOX!

 

Why is it confusing to HER child?? You are not the father, nor are you even a step-father at this point. You are dating the child's mother - that's it.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Your GF is stressed because money is tight & you are being an insecure pain.

 

She is never going to throw out her wedding photos. Her child may want them some day. If she's not drooling over them, it's all good.

 

If she initiated making love with you in the afternoon you need to try to recognize that she likes you despite your insecurities.

 

As for what will fix them, we all keep suggesting professional help because you aren't doing anything else to change. Until you change your relationship will always be a source of pain not comfort. It's your paranoia & lack of understanding that are the problems, not her behavior or fidelity.

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Ronni Member

Ronni

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Right ok, so tonight we are generally getting along but then I have just tried to pull her towards me and she was rigid. She never came close. Her daughter is at her grandparents tonight so there's no reason why she can't come near me. I have a feeling she is gonna get in bed tonight and turn away from me

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Ronni, you're not listening to what any of us are telling you.

 

You are justifying your bad behaviour and insecure attitude. You are picking apart her every move.

 

Yet, you appear not to be taking any real steps to reflect on your own problems and what you can do to fix them, independent of what your girlfriend/her daughter/her ex-husband do or don't do. This relationship is already failing. You can turn it around but you're going to have to do a lot more work than you're currently doing.

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Ronni Member

Ronni

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Ronni, you're not listening to what any of us are telling you.

 

You are justifying your bad behaviour and insecure attitude. You are picking apart her every move.

 

Yet, you appear not to be taking any real steps to reflect on your own problems and what you can do to fix them, independent of what your girlfriend/her daughter/her ex-husband do or don't do. This relationship is already failing. You can turn it around but you're going to have to do a lot more work than you're currently doing.

 

I don't understand what I am supposed to do. I've been more.positive, I've avoided conflict, I've helped around the home, I've relieved her stress by helping out with chores and parenting. I have been kind and thoughtful to her. What else am I supposed to do?

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Ronni Member

Ronni

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Because it's the CHILD'S FATHER! Good grief! It's not all about you! He was an important part of your gf's life at one time! Besides, the photos are IN A BOX!

 

Why is it confusing to HER child?? You are not the father, nor are you even a step-father at this point. You are dating the child's mother - that's it.

 

I've done more in 18 months for the child than her Dad has done in 5 years. That is a fact.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I don't understand what I am supposed to do. I've been more.positive, I've avoided conflict, I've helped around the home, I've relieved her stress by helping out with chores and parenting. I have been kind and thoughtful to her. What else am I supposed to do?

 

Book an appointment with a counselor.

 

I say this in kindness, but you very much need professional help.

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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Ronni, whether you realise it or not, your insecurities are driving you to behave like a needy child. She already has a child; she needs a grown-up guy who supports her. At the moment, she is having to try to manage your insecurities and demands for attention all the time as well as look after her child and finances. It's damned hard being a single mother! She knows she has the stress of ensuring that her child is taken care of. She needs love and support not pressure!

 

You are so busy watching her for any sign that her attention is not on you and your relationship that you cannot support her. She must be feeling huge pressure from you as she cannot say or do anything without you taking offence. She had a life before you and will want to retain her photos and memories. Any guy who wants to wipe out her memories does not care for her. In fact, there are few signs you care for her but more signs that you demand from her.

 

I would guess you don't have a child yourself or you would understand just how much selflessness is required to take care of one. You would understand just how much she needs your love, care and thoughtfulness not your demands. She obviously cares a great deal for you to have coped with your jealousy so far but quite frankly she should not be putting up with this. Like others say, please seek counselling help. To put it bluntly, your behaviour reminds me of the naughty child who plays up all the time to get his mother's attention. He can't bear her to be looking at or talking to anyone else. He destroys what matters to her because it takes her mind off him. If you truly do not want to be that mean child, please think of her and get help to come to terms with your need to be the centre of her attention all the time.

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Ronni Member

Ronni

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We have been getting on great for the past 10 days or so, so I asked her "Are you still unsure about me?" And she replied "a bit yes." I then asked her "Do you know if you want to be with me?" and she replied "I don't know"

 

I was hurt by this and told her I felt confused as to why you still want to carry on with me and she said "We are working on things" So I thought to myself "If we are working on things then she must want to be with me, why did she say she is unsure?"

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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We have been getting on great for the past 10 days or so, so I asked her "Are you still unsure about me?" And she replied "a bit yes." I then asked her "Do you know if you want to be with me?" and she replied "I don't know"

 

I was hurt by this and told her I felt confused as to why you still want to carry on with me and she said "We are working on things" So I thought to myself "If we are working on things then she must want to be with me, why did she say she is unsure?"

 

Because "working on things" means things are not perfect from her point of view.

YOU may think things were great for the past 10 days, but that may be not how she saw it. It is still a work in progress as far as she is concerned.

Even if she did think things were a lot better, no-one can just blot out all the things that are wrong in a relationship with a "great 10 days".

People do not just forget.

 

Sounds like your "insecurities" have just come back too...

fred123 Established Member

fred123

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What if shes not into him?

She said she didnt want to marry again. If she really liked him she would no?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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We have been getting on great for the past 10 days or so, so I asked her "Are you still unsure about me?" And she replied "a bit yes." I then asked her "Do you know if you want to be with me?" and she replied "I don't know"

 

 

You need to understand that every time you ask her these Qs, the Qs make her unsure. If you just left her alone she'd grow more sure.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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A person like you lives with the "what ifs" . . . what if she still wants her Ex, what if she might cheat with someone else, what if . . . what if . . . And, they can't evaluate their thoughts and emotions against logic and reason. They are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

A person who lives with the "what ifs" aren't enjoying "what's now"!!!! You don't drive your car every day worrying that you might get into an accident, do you?

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Right ok, so tonight we are generally getting along but then I have just tried to pull her towards me and she was rigid. She never came close. Her daughter is at her grandparents tonight so there's no reason why she can't come near me. I have a feeling she is gonna get in bed tonight and turn away from me

 

If she does, it's because you are sabotaging things between you two! It's very tiring and a complete turn off for anyone to be feeling like they are under a microscope all the time. Just as you are sensing that she is "rigid", she is sensing your insecurity and attempts to control your environment.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Just spoke to her on the phone and my insecurities started to creep in. Is this an illness I have? Is professional help the only solution?

 

You are right, there are things I can do better than him: She has often told me I am the best lover she has had and that he was useless haha

 

Is professional help the only solution? -- What you are doing isn't working, so you need to at least try something else.

 

Is this an illness I have? -- I would not call it an illness. It's a disorder. Is this the only area of your life that causes you this much stress, anxiety and rumination? What is your family relationship like? What is your work history and environment like? Do you stress and ruminate about those areas as well?

Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years and for the last 12 months we have argued for about 80% of that time. Most of the arguments are due to my insecurities and overthinking. She has never gave me any indication that she has been cheating but let me first start where my insecurities came from:

 

Her baby's Father: it's the first time in my life I have had to deal with an ex in a relationship and their relationship is dead and is solely about their child. Part of me believed she still had feelings for him and that it doesn't just die. (She divorced him 2 years before she met me) I hated the fact he would call on the phone and come around to pick the child up for the weekend. I used to watch them talking and sometimes they would laugh about things which made me paranoid to death. My gf said to me "you need to accept that he is a part of the childs life" I said I understand and I am sorry for behaving like this and I won't do it again. I did it again and again and again, every time he came around I would ask what they spoke about etc and it began to put my girlfriend on egg shells. I accused her of putting on make up for him and was generally being silly.

 

I would ask questions about their relationship and ask her if she is more happy with me than she was with him. She would never speak about it so I said "Is it still raw? Does it hurt to speak about it?" This would result in an argument and both of us would lose our temper.

 

With all this going on for months and months, I always thought my girlfriend was harbouring feelings for her ex because she would never speak about it. Sometimes she would say "I divorced him for a reason, I don't want him"

Communication isn't her strongest point and I used to let my mind get the better of me with overthinking rubbish. I began to dread the phone calls and I would want to know what waa being spoken about. Her ex knew about our relationship and there were times I would take the child to him and pick the child up from him. I fully believe there was nothing going on, just a civil matter being done in a responsible way.

 

But as this was going on my girlfriend seemed to becoming distant with me, even when things were going well she would appear distant and cold. She would show no affection and I would have no idea why. Our sex life cooled off a bit and both of us seemed to walk around the house miserable. But I didn't understand what was making her appear distant so I became insecure:

 

"Do you love me because you never tell me"

"How come you never kissed or hugged me when I came in?"

"Why don't you touch me anymore"

"Why do you turn your back on me when we get into bed?"

"Why are you distancing yourself from me" "I'm not" she would say.

 

She nagged me for not doing enough around the house even though I thought I was doing my fair share. She said she finds it hard to live with someone as she is used to being independant.

 

"Shall I just go then?" I would say. She never wanted to break up because as soon as I would threaten to break up she would say "I'll stop being distant and make more of an effort"

 

Sometimes when things were going well it would be great. Both of us would seem happy, but then one moment of madness would ruin it all. "What was your wedding day like" I asked one night. "Why don't you want to marry me?"

She said "I don't want to get married again, I made a mistake"

"But if you love me why wouldn't you marry me" I asked

"I don't want to get married, can you just drop it!"

I asked about her wedding and she said she got caught up in it, planning a wedding and getting married in a hot country made her happy and hearing this made me jealous.

 

Then my insecurities would kick in and I would make comparisons between me and her ex. This would drive her mad and we would fall out. We never split but she wanted a break from the relationship. A few days later we would be together again and all would appear fine, she was still distant and we were due to go on vacation as a family.

 

Two whole weeks of arguing. I asked her one day if she had seen any eye candy, I accused her of flirting with a bar man, I moaned at her for smoking all the time. I asked if she loved me and wanted to be with me. I just nagged her over her being cold to me.

 

We got back from our vacation and she said she doesn't know what she wants. She loves me but isn't in love with me. When I asked her why she says "We have argued all the time for the past 12 months over s**t!"

 

There is more to it than I mention. It isn't just her ex we have argued about: we have argued about:

 

Her not spending her birthday with me

Her not buying me a birthday gift

I have accused her of looking at other men

She has said I don't do enough around the house

We have argued about her lack of attention for me

She hardly wants to spend time with me just as the two of us

 

Can I mention some good points?

 

We have great sex

I am very affectionate towards her even though she might not be the same back.

I have a fantastic relationship with her child, we spend a lot of time together and I always take the child places and make a lot of time for them. We get on great and I love them very much. ( the childs father only sees them once or twice a month and he never bothered with them for the first two years of their life)

 

My girlfriend says she hates him but I ask why do you hate him? That means you still have feelings.

 

We do have good times and we are both good people to each other. I just tend to let insecurities ruin things and I have been trying to stop for a long time. We seem to be in a vicious cycle and its hard to get out of it. We both want things to go back to normal but right now it is looking difficult. Too much has happened. I don't want to lose her and I want to make it work. How do we get out of this mess we are in?

 

I am due to be working away for 3 months next month and she said it might do us good. I fear it could end us. Who knows? I am giving her some space for a few days starting today, I am struggling as I feel I have lost her. I want things to work and I want her to find me attractive again. Is it possible? Is her heart elsewhere? Should I be prepared for a permanent split? She kissed me this morning on her way out and told me she loves me. I am packing up my things and going today, do I need to stop texting her for a few days? What if she texts me? What if she calls? What do I do? She said she doesn't know what she wants so shall I just leave her to it?

 

I really have messed up. I ruin everything.

 

If I have missed anything I will add. I sound crazy but its not as bad as it sounds, I just analyse her every word and scrutinise it. I overthink every situation.

 

UPDATE: As I am writing this I have just had a phone call from her. She is at work and on lunch, just a quick chat and she said a few days apart will do us good and we both need it. I tell her I am at home (I'm not I am still at her house) and she asked me if I am coming back later. (It doesn't make sense) I said "do you want me to stay the night" she said "if you want to yeah" I don't get it. Is she saying this because I told her I have gone home? On one hand she says we need space but on the other she asks if I am coming back later? What is going on?

 

 

 

I can relate to ur insecirities ...from reading ur thread I do believe she kind of contributes to it. U do analyze way too much tho has that got something to do wth something that's happenned to u in the past? Wth me it was being cheated on.

 

I can tell u from my own experience insecurities can make her lose feelings.

It's exhausting for the op to be put on trial constantly.

 

I can see how she contributes tho. She should be more sensitive to ur feelings especially about the ex.

 

I too was involved wth a woman wth kids and she had zero contact wth her ex no talking none wat so ever. She made me feel very secure in that sense.

 

She should be a bit more aware of how help make u feel more secure. Still dude you do go a way bit over board wth the analyzing I thought I was bad but u take it to a whole new level. Get some therapy and work through ur issues re that.

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