Butlerist Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 hi guys I went online whilst I was in Germany a few months ago and matched with a girl. I asked for her to have coffee with me and she told me, no. We kept in touch when I got back to London casually. I engaged in 'pillow talk' and would tell her sexual fantasies to pleasure her on the phone. She wasn't able to do the same back, but for me it was okay, I liked knowing she was having a good time. In the space of two months, we had perhaps 9-10 voice conversations. It was very nice and relaxed. I had done long distance relationships twice in the past and I was weary that I was allowing myself to go down a road which I didn't want to go down. So she proposed to meet and I told her that it was a bad idea and that it meant it would complicate things as lovely as it would be to meet her. She told me she wanted to and I gave in. She did and we had a nice time together for two days. She went back to Germany and sent me a message about how she couldn't continue such a thing as she felt like I was on her mind constantly and that I was kissing her and had opened up a hole in her heart. As flattering as it was to hear, I thought to myself it was too soon. Then next day she changed her mind and said she wanted to give it a go. I told her it wasn't a good idea, but in my weakness I said I would think about it. I then told her this was hard and I didn't want to constantly miss her and be going back and forth as it would put strain on us. One night she began to be a bit cold and rude and when I said 'you can come across a little harsh and rude at times, you know that? (not her first time), she literally went into attack mode asking me how dare I say those things and whether I thought she was some sort of doll to just play with her and call her 'sweetie' etc when I was the one having to think whether I wanted to continue the relationship. I thought to myself, i would never have responded in that manner if she had said that, I would have tried to reconcile or calm things. Anyway, fast forward two weeks after that, I had to be at a wedding in Germany. She had asked me to visit her and I did. I took a train and met her and on arrival, I noticed she had already put a photo of my face on her mobile screensaver. I got a little taken back by it. When I returned back to London, I began to speak to her about how this couldn't go on and she 'understood', but then she would constantly say things like 'I will promise you, you will never find anyone like me' and things like 'I am in love with you and was hoping that if this developed, maybe one day we would have a marriage and kids' etc. When I called her on it, she would deny it straight up and tell me 'i am well aware that love isn't instantaneous and I never told you I was in love with you, I said that I liked you enough to know I could fall in love'. When I told her that I understood that how I am discussing this with her felt like a rejection and I got that it wasn't nice, but that I cared about her a lot and if distance wasn't there, I would have given it a true go. So then she said 'then, i'll wait, as I don't want to give you up'. We kept on speaking and she again said things like 'you will find other women boring, I promise and I know I could make you happy, because I have seen it with my eyes'. She kept on saying this for a few weeks on and off and I then said 'you are being arrogant here, that isn't right what you are saying. It's narcissistic to keep on saying that'. She then sent me a long message that I had insulted her and that my issues were mine and that I had no idea what evil she had faced to call her narcissistic and that our contact must come to an end immediately and that she no longer wishes to hear from me and that I should wish her the best and get on with my life. I was like 'man, one bit of criticism from her and she literally flies off the handle'. Anyway, I was extremely nice to her and before these conversations took place, she had sent me gifts etc which I thought were generous and she was nice, but I always felt like she was on a high horse and that any criticism was taken harshly with a severe backlash afterwards. Am I right to assume that as sweet as she was when I met her, this is a little obsessive and intense behaviour for someone I only met twice?
CptInsano Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 she sounds kinda nutty to me ! I wouldn't say that. She probably fell for him, knowing that it was not "reasonable", and the contradiction between what she wanted vs. what she knew was possible made her appear incoherent. Well, at the end it sounds like she felt hurt and was lashing out.
Author Butlerist Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 (edited) She may have felt hurt, but my photo on mobile after just the first meeting? Then lashing out at me when I tell her she's being a little arrogant? Then talking about love and kids. She got pissed at me for not being able to spend time on her birthday. I met her twice. Not only that, she is about to become a criminal lawyer and told me she wants to make money. When she wrote to me, she later told me money isn't important to her and would work as a waitress just to be near me. I found it flattering, but part of me said that she is also incredibly spontaneous and may not be thinking through her actions. Don't get me wrong, I still feel for her and have feelings for her, but just thought it was a little intense when someone imposes like that. Edited June 28, 2017 by Butlerist
CptInsano Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 Don't get me wrong, I still feel for her and have feelings for her, but just thought it was a little intense when someone imposes like that. My guess is that it won't be the last time. People who are infatuated often don't think all that rationally. I'd say that your story sounds strange to me, except that it doesn't.
Author Butlerist Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 I know what you mean. I guess I am coming from my point of view. But the main thing here is that if you truly like someone and respect them, you wouldn't impose on them or speak to them in that way. If I liked a girl a lot and was infatuated, I would say 'i understand' and 'i'll be there if you need me and I hope we can remain in touch down the line' etc. But when you say things like 'you won't find someone else like me. You will be bored by other women. I know that I can make you happy' is something that is well beyond rationale and headed towards narcissistic tendencies. I could be totally wrong, but people's characters begin to show themselves and I would rather the woman I end up with acts quite differently and with respect.
CptInsano Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 She was infatuated, and you were not moving forward with this, more or less cutting off her dopamine supply. She was crushed, and probably said things out of desperation in an effort to keep you. Granted, it was probably very premature, but it's quite possible that she thought the pillow talk meant more to her than it did to you. I once broke up with a woman who started to shake uncontrollably when I told her, and even though it was inevitable, I felt deeply sorry for her at that moment, and would have forgiven her almost anything. It's easy to choose the high road when you are not the one experiencing the loss.
Author Butlerist Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 Very well said. Feels awful man. So you've been there too. You want to tear the walls down to not have that person go through such a situation.
joseb Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 I'd say it's both she us a bit infatuated, and she is a bit nuts. She also sounds capable of gaslighting you. I hooked up with a girl once, we met again and when I saw my photo on her screensaver I knew that i wouldn't be meeting her after that. Defo a bit cuckoo.
Author Butlerist Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 Yes, thanks for the response. I felt the same. Everything was fine, but once we met and she started being really self-righteous to the point where I would question 'am i doing something wrong here?' and then the photo and just the whole 'you will never find someone like me' comments, were too much. Glad you walked away Joseb.
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