Kentucky Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 I'm blaming myself at this point. Getting dates is not an issue. Getting a second date is non-exinsistant. I can't seem to land second dates. I'm 29 years old, I have a college degree, I drive, I weigh 180 pounds (I have lost 90 pounds since January of 2016), have blonde hair, and I'm clean shaven. I'm hearing impaired and have been since I was born. I have 80 percent hearing loss in both ears. If my hearing aids were invisible, you would never know unless we're in a loud environment. But that's not the case. They're visible. With my online profile, I leave this fact off my page because I suspect I will get judged or I will lose dates. I'm not afraid to talk about my hearing impairment and would welcome a girl asking questions about it. Personality wise, I'm definitely a extrovert as I love people and was named Mr. Congeniality in high school. Talking to somebody I don't know isn't a problem and never will be a problem. I'm not a great flirter and often times don't even try for the sheer fear of being embarrassed. When I go on these dates, they seem to go well, we chat, and I usually get a hug at the end. I'm not a touchy-touchy person with people I hardly know so holding hands or a kiss at the end of the first date is highly unlikely unless the girl initiates contact. It could be just me but I'm suspecting most girls do not envision a long term relationship with a hearing impaired guy. I'm at a lost for words at this point and on the verge of giving up.
SammySammy Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 I know someone who lost about 40% of his hearing around 12-13 years old. You know it's an issue for some women. Some have been outright mean and cruel about it. It's a non-issue for others. He has had many relationships and has been married. There are some good and decent women out there. Caring and compassionate. Who won't consider your hearing impairment an issue at all. Have to find them. 2
healing light Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 If I was attracted to you and you were respectful toward me, I wouldn't give a second thought about your hearing loss. It doesn't sound like it impairs your functioning in the world, so I really can't think of a reason why this would bother a woman who wasn't shallow. 4
GemmaUK Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 If I was attracted to you and you were respectful toward me, I wouldn't give a second thought about your hearing loss. It doesn't sound like it impairs your functioning in the world, so I really can't think of a reason why this would bother a woman who wasn't shallow. Ditto to that. One of my best friends is completely deaf since she was born and she has always been very open about it and has had no issues in relationships surrounding her lack of hearing. Her fiancé does get a tiny bit irked when she turns her hearing aid off so that she can't hear him - but he susses it pretty instantly! Lol! Maybe try something different and be open about it? My friend, as I said has always been and makes a joke of it and it's done her no harm at all in the dating world. 1
JS84 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 I think there is a bit of a double standard. I think it can be tough on both sexes when it comes to hearing impairment but I think it's much harder for men. Although one of my good friends is hearing impaired and has been since I've known him (6th grade). He has a different pitch voice due to his hearing impairment as well as hearing aids but he's had more girlfriends than I have lol. Currently is dating a woman from Columbia who is really nice.
todreaminblue Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 online dating is a meat market......I wouldn't put it on your profile.....but in communication you could rbign it up...fi a woman wouldnt give you a chance because you were hearing impaired it is your gain not to date her and waste your time it is her loss..... honestly have you tried joining maybe groups that you are interested in and meeting people outside of virtuality......you might fare better that way....where women could get to know you .....before swiping left or is it right....it is so easy to dismiss people online....without knowing what you are dismissing.....its competitive and quite brutal..and seems to me to be full of negativity rather than positive experiences.....which are few and far between......I have never been a fan of online dating.....too....obscure for me.deb
Chilli Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 l've been deaf in one ear since about 16, bad ear infection. l can hear normally with most guys unless they're a soft talker but l do have trouble with a lot of women because they often are softer tones, or the chip monk voices ,just can't understand one frickin word they say. Never been a problem though in the most part. Was married 20 yrs , gf's before that , some since. Any good women that genuinely likes ya will be fine , you just haven't met the right one, l mean if l fell for a girl that was 3/4 deaf, like that's gonna stop me But l do really need an aid on the bad ear and l've been looking for something really discrete because l have short hair so it's gonna show and l'm still a fairly young looking guy so l don't really want it in your face. You could grow your hair just a touch around the ears though , or go long, if your conshi about it. And hey , chicks love long hair anyway, bonus. 1
BaileyB Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 It wouldn't bother me at all. Online dating, and dating in general, is hard and you may experience a lot of rejection for no identifiable reason at all. We all do. Don't let it get you down. It sounds like you have a lot going for you. The right woman will recognize this and she will be glad to be with you. Just be yourself and have fun. 2
BluEyeL Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 It could be the hearing issues, but it could also be something else. One solution would be to actually put that in the profile. Why do you need dates where you waste time and money on someone who has an issue with that. Explain in your profile what you said here. When I started dating, for the first 4-5 months or so, I also had trouble landing second dates. The issues that I found could be a reason are: 1. Lack of confidence that is visible. Fake confidence if you have to. Don't lean in more than they do. Mimic their gestures (mirror their body language). Don't appear nervous. 2. Negativity. Never say anything negative. Don't complain about anything. Don't talk about your problems or your exes. Don't "pour your heart out". First dates are no therapy. 3. Talking too much. You think the date went well because you had a good time but thinking back, maybe you had a good time because you did all the talking and you enjoyed that. Ask your dates questions. Don't ramble, keep your sentences short. End stories rather quick. You can look in someone's eyes and see when they lose focus on your story. Then, it's time to switch and ask them a question. 2
Author Kentucky Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 Do you have a job? Absolutely. I have a ful-time job with benefits working in sports. 2
Author Kentucky Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 This is good advice. And I think the confidence issue is still a major issue with me. Every time I go to a first date I am extremely nervous. Not sure how I'll overcome it but perhaps someday I will. 1. Lack of confidence that is visible. Fake confidence if you have to. Don't lean in more than they do. Mimic their gestures (mirror their body language). Don't appear nervous.
BluEyeL Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 This is good advice. And I think the confidence issue is still a major issue with me. Every time I go to a first date I am extremely nervous. Not sure how I'll overcome it but perhaps someday I will. That was my problem too. Here is how I solved it. It will sound a bit stupid. Every morning, I woke up and looked in the mirror and said to myself "I look great, I'm smart, I'm kind and men love me. Who doesn't like me is stupid and I don't want to be with stupid". I swear that's what I was doing. I started to imagine that my dating partners are a bit like my children, or my students, like I was a bit above them and I was the one who came there to evaluate them, not the other way around. At first, it doesn't feel right ,but after a while, it started to become second nature. Also stopped talking too fast, looked them in the eye and mirrored their body language. And asked them questions. Looked at them as I'd look at a friend, with no hopes/expectations of something romantic initially. I challenged myself to always get a second date. After some practice, I had a 1 year 100% call back rate. When in the first 4-5 months I hardly ever landed a second date. What also helped, to be honest was that I went to some meetup for singles over 40 and I was 41 and I looked better than most older women and all eyes were on me when I got in. So I was saying "whoa, so I am actually looking okei, it's not the looks". That somehow helped convince me that the morning talk wasn't a complete lie 1
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 This is good advice. And I think the confidence issue is still a major issue with me. Every time I go to a first date I am extremely nervous. Not sure how I'll overcome it but perhaps someday I will. Do these girls know you are hearing impaired when they agree to the first date or do you spring that upon them?
Author Kentucky Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 Do these girls know you are hearing impaired when they agree to the first date or do you spring that upon them? I have gone into these dates having not told them. My gut instinct is telling me I need to tell the girl beforehand straight-up. Perhaps it's a mistake on my part and shows my lack of confidence. 3
Author Kentucky Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 That was my problem too. Here is how I solved it. It will sound a bit stupid. Every morning, I woke up and looked in the mirror and said to myself "I look great, I'm smart, I'm kind and men love me. Who doesn't like me is stupid and I don't want to be with stupid". I swear that's what I was doing. I started to imagine that my dating partners are a bit like my children, or my students, like I was a bit above them and I was the one who came there to evaluate them, not the other way around. At first, it doesn't feel right ,but after a while, it started to become second nature. Also stopped talking too fast, looked them in the eye and mirrored their body language. And asked them questions. Looked at them as I'd look at a friend, with no hopes/expectations of something romantic initially. I challenged myself to always get a second date. After some practice, I had a 1 year 100% call back rate. When in the first 4-5 months I hardly ever landed a second date. What also helped, to be honest was that I went to some meetup for singles over 40 and I was 41 and I looked better than most older women and all eyes were on me when I got in. So I was saying "whoa, so I am actually looking okei, it's not the looks". That somehow helped convince me that the morning talk wasn't a complete lie Even though I'm a guy, I can use some of these things too. I used to be overweight and still am in shock that I have been able to drop to 180 pounds. But for some reason I'm never satisfied with my appearance. I believe I'll find somebody someday. I just need to gain confidence and be patient and not give up. 1
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 I have gone into these dates having not told them. My gut instinct is telling me I need to tell the girl beforehand straight-up. Perhaps it's a mistake on my part and shows my lack of confidence. It is probably feeding your nervousness too. If you have that issue out of the way before the date, then you know it is not a deal breaker for her and you can just concentrate on the date maybe, I don't know. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 This is good advice. And I think the confidence issue is still a major issue with me. Every time I go to a first date I am extremely nervous. Not sure how I'll overcome it but perhaps someday I will. I'm actually surprised you said you got nervous on dates. Your confidence actually shone through in your OP!! Really it did! So yeah Blue give some great tips and her own personal experience of how you can overcome it. Actually i don't think you are far off base that the hearing aids might have something to do with why you get first dates but not second. I don't say that to discourage you. As you can see from the responses here, most people wouldn't have a problem with it. That said, if you are on an online date and they don't know about it and find out upon arriving, it could be a little shocking and will color an otherwise normal or even what could be a great date. People haven't had a chance to get used to the idea and sit with it for a minute. So let's say the difference is in high school, people had the chance to get to know you and you ended up Mr Congeniality. Even on this thread, you stated it up front and people are more open and can appreciate all of you. So I agree that you should say something in your profile about it (and maybe about being outgoing and love meeting new people--the way you phrased it!). I think if a person has a hearing issue that would be probably someone's concern that you would be introverted--whereas the truth is that you aren't. And all that said, online is probably the toughest market to date in--people are cruel and dismissive to almost everyone. I always think it's better to meet someone in real life, through friends and activities. The dynamic for success I think is better. And i think it will help your chances too. I think online or apps maybe can be one leg of your dating process (since most people do it & their heads can be down and not paying attention in real life) but that you should equally concentrate on meeting girls through your activities and friends. Good luck--I have a great feeling that you will have no problem finding a great girl.
Author Kentucky Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 I'm actually surprised you said you got nervous on dates. Your confidence actually shone through in your OP!! Really it did! So yeah Blue give some great tips and her own personal experience of how you can overcome it. Actually i don't think you are far off base that the hearing aids might have something to do with why you get first dates but not second. I don't say that to discourage you. As you can see from the responses here, most people wouldn't have a problem with it. That said, if you are on an online date and they don't know about it and find out upon arriving, it could be a little shocking and will color an otherwise normal or even what could be a great date. People haven't had a chance to get used to the idea and sit with it for a minute. So let's say the difference is in high school, people had the chance to get to know you and you ended up Mr Congeniality. Even on this thread, you stated it up front and people are more open and can appreciate all of you. So I agree that you should say something in your profile about it (and maybe about being outgoing and love meeting new people--the way you phrased it!). I think if a person has a hearing issue that would be probably someone's concern that you would be introverted--whereas the truth is that you aren't. And all that said, online is probably the toughest market to date in--people are cruel and dismissive to almost everyone. I always think it's better to meet someone in real life, through friends and activities. The dynamic for success I think is better. And i think it will help your chances too. I think online or apps maybe can be one leg of your dating process (since most people do it & their heads can be down and not paying attention in real life) but that you should equally concentrate on meeting girls through your activities and friends. Good luck--I have a great feeling that you will have no problem finding a great girl. Online dating is rough. Another thing is I kind of gave up on my body and dating for five years after college. Once I started losing weight I decided to rejoin the dating game. Better late than never. I've been on four dates since December, two in the last month so I'll keep on trucking along. 1
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 Hearing impairment would make women think...I don't want that passed onto my children. I don't know how you lost your hearing BUT if it's a genetic thing, it will be a stumbling block for sure.
Author Kentucky Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 Hearing impairment would make women think...I don't want that passed onto my children. I don't know how you lost your hearing BUT if it's a genetic thing, it will be a stumbling block for sure. That's my fear. It's a genetic thing. But, neither of parents are hearing impaired, in fact you have to go to my mom second cousin to find somebody who is hearing impaired in my family. However, they're both carriers. Everybody on both sides of my family is a carrier if they're not hearing impaired. Interestingly enough, since I am hearing impaired, I can't transfer it onto my children and my children can't be carriers either.
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 That's my fear. It's a genetic thing. But, neither of parents are hearing impaired, in fact you have to go to my mom second cousin to find somebody who is hearing impaired in my family. However, they're both carriers. Everybody on both sides of my family is a carrier if they're not hearing impaired. Interestingly enough, since I am hearing impaired, I can't transfer it onto my children and my children can't be carriers either. This sounds like a recessive trait and if so, ALL of your children will be carriers but unless you happen to marry another carrier or another affected woman then none will be affected.
Author Kentucky Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 This sounds like a recessive trait and if so, ALL of your children will be carriers but unless you happen to marry another carrier or another affected woman then none will be affected. My hearing impairment is autosomal. I texted my mom who is a pharmacist and she said I only have a 25 percent chance of having a kid being hearing impaired if my significant other were a carrier. Hearing impairment would make women think...I don't want that passed onto my children. I don't know how you lost your hearing BUT if it's a genetic thing, it will be a stumbling block for sure. This comment here is my worst fear. I understand why girls would be worried but it's not something I can control. And this is coming from a guy who would love to have children someday.
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 My hearing impairment is autosomal. I texted my mom who is a pharmacist and she said I only have a 25 percent chance of having a kid being hearing impaired if my significant other were a carrier. If you have an Autosomal recessive condition, you have two copies of the gene and are thus affected. If your partner is not a carrier, then none of your children will be affected but all will be carriers. If your partner carries the gene then 1/2 of your children will be affected and the other 1/2 carriers, if she is affected then, all of your children will be affected. As the product of two carriers then you had a one in four chance of being affected, a 50% of being a carrier and a 25% chance of not carrying the gene at all.
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 My hearing impairment is autosomal. I texted my mom who is a pharmacist and she said I only have a 25 percent chance of having a kid being hearing impaired if my significant other were a carrier. This comment here is my worst fear. I understand why girls would be worried but it's not something I can control. And this is coming from a guy who would love to have children someday. Sorry to hear that. I guess it is true that it is a fear which unfortunately you may not even get a chance to discuss with a potential girl (especially online or on a first date bc they will just make their own judgment about it rather than have an awkward or premature conversation about it). Don't stay fearful though because it's just going to stop you from having what you want. Someone will be fine with who you are and will take the time to get to know you and take it from there. Again my best rec is to put the most emphasis on meeting girls through your real life--it's hard to resist someone you already know and have feelings for--something that online doesn't really allow to happen. You can do it! Good luck
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