Found out ex lied, in relationship with "friend"; I need support

[babysacay]

Yeah, rejection hurts! If it weren't for that, I wouldn't care! This is really rough :/

[springy]

Springy, in what ways was your circumstance similar to mine and how long did it take to get to indifference?

 

She was someone whose family we knew well, had grown up together, went to the same church in our youth. We were never close but she did things to try to low key throw it in my face (or that's how my broken heart perceived it). I had never done anything to that girl but she wanted to make sure I knew she had "my" man. Shouldn't have surprised me given her rep.

 

I felt like she won and I lost. In hindsight I lost nothing. Today they are living in his parent's house with two kids cramped into one bedroom. He can't hold down a job. I only know this because someone thought they needed to pass it on to me. Thank God it doesn't affect me anymore. I take no joy in their situation, but I am thankful it's not me that's in it.

 

It was a 3 1/2 year relationship and I reached indifference around 1 1/2-2 years. Somehow I think baby #1 prolonged the heartache. She's having his baby, she won, she got him; they are so happy together and loving their new bundle of joy while I got left behind - that's how I thought.

 

You have to stop giving in to the the temptation to look. You don't need to know anything. There's nothing you can do about it anyway. That is something I had to keep telling myself over and over. Not my business, out of my control.

[babysacay]

Oh my gosh, that is tough! I hope I can keep the strength to not look. I feel lucky that I don't ever have to see or interact with him or her ever.

[1fish2fish]

Oh my gosh, that is tough! I hope I can keep the strength to not look. I feel lucky that I don't ever have to see or interact with him or her ever.

 

You DO have the strength because you love yourself MORE!

 

Hang in there. You deserve better!

[babysacay]

Thanks 1fish2fish!

 

I realized today that there were signs that my ex gaslighted me.

 

Such as lying about the Tinder thing and then telling me he didn't lie about that or about anything.

 

And then the situation with his current girlfriend; he said they just decided to get together because they were hanging out a lot the last couple weeks and people already thought they were dating but from the "Finally" comments on their relationship status, it was more than a couple weeks in the making...and he pretty much told me I was crazy for thinking something else other than what he told me...before their trip, he even told me there was nothing going on between them and that they hang out frequently and go to dinner...and he told me yesterday that I "need help" for thinking that he lied to me about his platonic friendship with her.

 

And talking down to me like I was a child.

 

And telling me to change who I am.

 

And telling me I was needy when I wanted a normal amount of connection in our relationship; I'm not the type who wants or needs to be in contact 24/7. And he told me I was needy when I said I wanted him to follow through on his word and do what he said he'd do.

 

And then making me feel bad when he said that I gave up too easily and that he never gave up...when he was the one who gave up by initiating the break and by refusing to work on our relationship.

 

All that made me feel crazy. No wonder why I feel worse about myself now than before I met him. All of that made me question my sanity and made me feel like I was always wrong. I can't believe I trusted him and he did all of that...

[LONERx]

Hi, I'm new to the site, but have gained so much from everyone's unfortunate experiences. I too was strung along for 6 months and was finally dumped only to find out my "Girlfriend" was lying to me and was just waiting for her opportunity to come around to win back her ex-boyfriend.

 

I was going through a divorce when she started to give me much wanted attention. She was really good at selling me the good-girl act and was quick to point out all the flaws with my ex-wife and i was foolish enough to believe her. She frequents the church and knows all the nuns and priests etc, and had the whole community fooled as well.

 

So after many months of hot/cold and being not ready and scared, and struggles with touching and sensuality, I finally suspected she was involved with someone else. So I did the unthinkable and snooped on her phone! She was SEXTING her Ex, sending him videos of her boobs and vagina, and talking dirty.

 

The really sad part was that he's living with one of the girls he cheated on her with and they may or may not even have a baby together. I'm starting to think that she has to go to this extreme b/c she's up against the real thing in his bed....

 

Probably more annoyed with myself than with her at this point. Anyway going NC for 4 days, was dumped 7 days ago.

[abandoned386]

Hey babysacay.. just wanted to stop by before I went back to sleep and tell you I hope you have a good day. I haven't spent as much time reading your entire story as I'd like, yet, but I do want to tell you that with what I've read so far, I am super proud of your progress. I don't believe in someone who is in love asking for less contact or declaring the other "needy" and etc. Those aren't things you say to someone you truly love. That's a red flag to me.. as if the Tinder thing wasn't enough. I trust your judgement and I'm here for you no matter what you decide to do, but I honestly think you can do way better with someone who gives you the love and respect you completely deserve. I'll be reading more of your story over the next couple of days. Stay positive and stay strong.. and take it day by day. I'm still trying to find a way to get you my #. I don't wanna break any rules here that I don't know about. Until then, I am right here for you. We're all going through this together.

[babysacay]

Hey babysacay.. just wanted to stop by before I went back to sleep and tell you I hope you have a good day. I haven't spent as much time reading your entire story as I'd like, yet, but I do want to tell you that with what I've read so far, I am super proud of your progress. I don't believe in someone who is in love asking for less contact or declaring the other "needy" and etc. Those aren't things you say to someone you truly love. That's a red flag to me.. as if the Tinder thing wasn't enough. I trust your judgement and I'm here for you no matter what you decide to do, but I honestly think you can do way better with someone who gives you the love and respect you completely deserve. I'll be reading more of your story over the next couple of days. Stay positive and stay strong.. and take it day by day. I'm still trying to find a way to get you my #. I don't wanna break any rules here that I don't know about. Until then, I am right here for you. We're all going through this together.

 

Thank you so much for having my back! I'm curious to know your thoughts after reading the rest of my story!

[Superchicken]

OMG Babysacay, I think there's more letters in your posts on this thread, than particles in the universe.

 

 

Sheees...

 

 

Took forever to read ALL your posts..

Love sucks for young people. Even worse when only one sided.

You came into one of these by bad fate..

He's young, and will remain a player for a little while longer.

My guess he's good looking (Like me ), and these types "Normally", and I stress normally, tend to play around, or not be tied down.

 

 

He's not in a mature state of mind yet, and so don't count on anything meaningful, apart from great "Hanky Panky".

 

 

You did the right thing, and a good spot that he was being a little shifty.

Bad thing was to look him up, especially photos.

All your emotions come back in an instant. With a snap of the fingers, your back in love, and you think that "You" made a mistake. Most likely thought of a way to get back, and I bet, possibly compromise some of your wants in the relationship.

 

 

Well, don't. What you want is nothing new, its something that is needed if two people want to move forward.

Anyone playing games, or makes excuses, are for sure, not into it 100%.

 

 

This is then the fork in the road. Do you continue a little longer, and see what pans out, or do you take the other path, and seek new friends and new love's..

 

 

I'm a romantic by heart, and an idiot by brain, so for a while, in my younger years, there was no commitment for me, until I was over 25.

 

 

Then, I got serious, and, the brain got a kick in its ass, and followed the heart.

God, I hate crappy mushy lines, but seems you women love it, and tend to relate..

Us guys, relate to cars, sports, and Action movies.

Sorry, left out perving on women at the beach..

 

 

 

 

Don't mush over him anymore. You need to focus on new findings..

There is another man out there, you just need to weed out the thorny ones..

Lastly STOP yourself from finding out anything about him. Especially meeting up in person.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[babysacay]

OMG Babysacay, I think there's more letters in your posts on this thread, than particles in the universe.

 

 

Sheees...

 

 

Took forever to read ALL your posts..

Love sucks for young people. Even worse when only one sided.

You came into one of these by bad fate..

He's young, and will remain a player for a little while longer.

My guess he's good looking (Like me ), and these types "Normally", and I stress normally, tend to play around, or not be tied down.

 

 

He's not in a mature state of mind yet, and so don't count on anything meaningful, apart from great "Hanky Panky".

 

 

You did the right thing, and a good spot that he was being a little shifty.

Bad thing was to look him up, especially photos.

All your emotions come back in an instant. With a snap of the fingers, your back in love, and you think that "You" made a mistake. Most likely thought of a way to get back, and I bet, possibly compromise some of your wants in the relationship.

 

 

Well, don't. What you want is nothing new, its something that is needed if two people want to move forward.

Anyone playing games, or makes excuses, are for sure, not into it 100%.

 

 

This is then the fork in the road. Do you continue a little longer, and see what pans out, or do you take the other path, and seek new friends and new love's..

 

 

I'm a romantic by heart, and an idiot by brain, so for a while, in my younger years, there was no commitment for me, until I was over 25.

 

 

Then, I got serious, and, the brain got a kick in its ass, and followed the heart.

God, I hate crappy mushy lines, but seems you women love it, and tend to relate..

Us guys, relate to cars, sports, and Action movies.

Sorry, left out perving on women at the beach..

 

 

 

 

Don't mush over him anymore. You need to focus on new findings..

There is another man out there, you just need to weed out the thorny ones..

Lastly STOP yourself from finding out anything about him. Especially meeting up in person.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

 

 

Thanks Ted! I agree, he wasn't very mature. Which is sad, because he turns 29 in a couple of weeks lol

[BryanSmiley]

I have had similar I my relationship (10 months on) where at certain point early on, my ex gf has mentioned getting a house, marriage, having children right down to baby names etc! Once I realised how I felt I agreed and at other times would initiate the talk myself as it felt like a certainty. In the 2 or 3 months before my ex left, she would backtrack on the things she said, especially after we got in our house together just over a month ago. This fuelled my already insecure mind and started a whole chain of accusations that ultimately led to her leaving.

 

I guess love and a relationship is like an elastic band, if one person pulls too far one way, unless he other person leans that way too it will snap. If both people pull opposite it snaps quicker. That is what I have found, the more love I gave and affection I showed the more my ex retreated, yet if I backed down she would show more love and effort.

 

In all honesty, you have probably avoided even further heartache with someone who doesn't seem to be ready for the same level of commitment as you. I know that right now that probably doesn't mean anything as you'll be hurting, but unless your ex changes his mind and suddenly wants to settle down, it's never going to be a committed relationship.

 

keep your head up, and try to keep busy!

 

Really good advice here, and similar in some ways to what I've experienced and witnessed.

 

My best friend was with a girl 2 years, and he said his gf was going on about marriage for a good few weeks here and there, hinting. So, when he finally hinted a similar thing back to her of maybe getting married down the line - he said her behavior completely changed. She pulled away and caused arguments, and ultimately left him weeks later. What's that all about? Was her hinting at marriage a conscious/sub conscious test? Or was she in her mind okay with marrying him but when he reciprocated is became more a reality and scared her?

 

Fascinating (infuriating) what causes this. I as a guy a couple of times have just reciprocated to the level of interest from the girl, only for her to get startled when meeting her there?

 

So what, always hold back? Then it becomes competition of each holding back 10% from the other and it's a rush to the bottom - not progress forwards. Puzzling!

[babysacay]

Really good advice here, and similar in some ways to what I've experienced and witnessed.

 

My best friend was with a girl 2 years, and he said his gf was going on about marriage for a good few weeks here and there, hinting. So, when he finally hinted a similar thing back to her of maybe getting married down the line - he said her behavior completely changed. She pulled away and caused arguments, and ultimately left him weeks later. What's that all about? Was her hinting at marriage a conscious/sub conscious test? Or was she in her mind okay with marrying him but when he reciprocated is became more a reality and scared her?

 

Fascinating (infuriating) what causes this. I as a guy a couple of times have just reciprocated to the level of interest from the girl, only for her to get startled when meeting her there?

 

So what, always hold back? Then it becomes competition of each holding back 10% from the other and it's a rush to the bottom - not progress forwards. Puzzling!

 

I've had this experience wayyyy too many times. The guy comes in hot and is very into me and the possibility of a future when I am not so sure yet. Then when I start reciprocating their level of interest, they start distancing themselves. Very puzzling!

[babysacay]

Each day gets better and better. Not looking at my ex's or his girlfriend's social media really helps keep the pain to a minimum. Also, every day, I remember something that makes me realize I should have gone NC long before I actually did.

 

This morning, I remembered more about the Tinder thing and went to see if I was remembering correctly by looking at old messages.

 

I learned he was on Tinder during our relationship. I was on it AFTER the relationship but he kept turning it back around on me saying I was making him feel guilty for having it when I was on there too, even though I said I got it AFTER the break-up. I was never on it during the relationship. He said he wasn't either, then admitted that he was and then when I said that I need him to let me know if I need to get tested (I am very safe with my intimate practices and always make sure I am disease-free), he told me "Don't give me the bull****. I wouldn't lie to you. I"m not that low. If I started looking else where I would have broke it off. It's that simple."

 

He was looking elsewhere and he did just lie to me!!!

 

And he got all defensive at me for just trying to be safe with my sexual health!!!

 

These memories keep coming to me and confirming to me how bad trying to be with him was.

 

Space and emotional distance are super effective everybody! If he and his girlfriend don't work out and he found some way of contacting me, I wouldn't have anything to do with him. I legitimately never want anything to do with him again. He was awful at the end.

[SpecialJ]

I kind of suspect he has more serious issues than just being an immature player. He sounds manipulative and mean, and I'd bet he's gaslighting her too... but she was in way deeper to begin with so my guess is he's enjoying her attention and desperation. Plus the triangulation and smugness he gets from knowing the impact it had on you as an added bonus. I hope you feel less like she won and you lost now, because I bet that after a fair amount of time has passed, you're going to find out more concretely that's not the case at all and you dodged an enormous bullet.

[SayAnything]

Hey girl, just stopping by to say you're not the only one going through something like this. I've posted elsewhere and sadly, I was posting in the "Second Chances" forum because I met up with my ex of five years on Saturday. BAD move. He turned out to be a liar and I didn't want to see it. Should've stayed NC!!

 

Turns out he was not only gaslighting me for the entire relationship, but he lied to me again on Saturday (with some fishy story about his ex, but saying he was "single." He was NOT single! Only I didn't look on social media/do research until after I saw him, unfortunately).

 

So i'm back to NC, but he totally blew off my last text to him and it just feels BAD. Ugh. His "ex" - who I now know is his WIFE - looks super happy in her photos. Even though he's a total loser, I'm still mad that *he* blew *me* off and I can't figure out why - but who cares, right? Just that my ego is bruised.

 

Be glad you dodged a bullet. Reading about how much better you're doing as your NC progresses is helping me. I'm also struggling with those random memories where you realize he lied - and put it on you!! I have tons of those. Omg. This is gonna take a while

 

Glad we can all support each other!