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Found out ex lied, in relationship with "friend"; I need support

babysacay

By babysacay
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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Accidentally came across ex's POF profile as I was browsing. He had told me he's too busy for a relationship but it says he wants a relationship. I can't believe what a jerk he was to me.

kortz Established Member

kortz

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Accidentally came across ex's POF profile as I was browsing. He had told me he's too busy for a relationship but it says he wants a relationship. I can't believe what a jerk he was to me.

 

I'd say block his pof profile if you can so you don't come across it again, no good can come of it and its usually never pleasant seeing an ex in these places.

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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This is the longest time I've gone without talking to him and I'm 100% certain he does not miss me. Most times I'm good but other times, I still have strong waves of sadness :(

springy Established Member

springy

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Stay strong. Keep posting here. Block social media including POF. It doesn't really sound like you are in any condition to be on dating websites anyway? Can you get your own puppy (assuming you are in a good position to take on that responsibility)?

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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Stay strong. Keep posting here. Block social media including POF. It doesn't really sound like you are in any condition to be on dating websites anyway? Can you get your own puppy (assuming you are in a good position to take on that responsibility)?

 

I'm on dating websites as more of a distraction so I'm not tempted to contact ex, not to find another relationship or jump into anything. And I'm just beginning to build my post-grad life and won't be able to afford a dog for another few months. I also want to see how my work schedule ends up playing out so I'm doing right by the dog and not leaving it alone at home for a full work day. Otherwise I would have gotten one already :/

 

I'm grateful that work keeps me busy during the week and I've been able to visit friends and family each weekend I've lived alone so far. And this place helps TONS!

springy Established Member

springy

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It sounds like you have a lot of good things going on for you, lots to look forward too. Stay on the path and in time you'll meet someone who wants to be with you and won't say such cruel things to you. Sounds like you are doing all the right things, just need to stay consistent with nc.

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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It sounds like you have a lot of good things going on for you, lots to look forward too. Stay on the path and in time you'll meet someone who wants to be with you and won't say such cruel things to you. Sounds like you are doing all the right things, just need to stay consistent with nc.

 

Thank you so so much for your responses, Springy! I really appreciate it :) Are you going through a recent break-up?

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springy Established Member

springy

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No, four years post. I've been crushed a couple times really badly. I never tried to stay in touch with any of them so I admit that seeing so many who do is difficult for me to comprehend. When someone hurts me like that I want to be as far away as possible, not give them any opportunity to reject me any further. I don't want anyone who doesn't want me, and who sees no problem walking away. Like, if the thought of losing me forever is not enough to deter them then they can go on; I bow out. Doesn't mean I wasn't in deep pain; they just never saw it. Hope that doesn't offend you.

 

I did have one ex who hurt me deeply. He thought he could string me along knowing full well he didn't want to get back together. He wanted to cake eat. I told him he was in or out, no half-stepping. He got angry. I went nc but still put myself in a holding pattern, hoping he would come back. It was very foolish of me. I wasted a lot of time. Kind of embarrassing to recall now. It was my biggest hurt in life. He was exceptionally cruel though. Abusive. My self esteem was way past rock bottom, but I had a lot of support from family and friends. Sounds like you do too.

 

I guess it's why I advise everyone - tell them what you want and if they aren't interested in reconciling at that moment then let them walk. Screw the maybe someday, maybe in the future, later mess. You move on. Moving on is a good thing for you. It won't keep them from coming back if that's what they choose to do at some future date; but it will keep you from being stuck and miserable waiting for someone who may never return. Keeps you from giving them the opportunity to lead you on. You move on, work on discovering your value, get your confidence up to a healthy level. Maybe they show back up at some point but now you've put in work to become a healthier version of yourself. You may see they are still the same mess, and say...'no thanks'. ;)

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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I guess it's why I advise everyone - tell them what you want and if they aren't interested in reconciling at that moment then let them walk. Screw the maybe someday, maybe in the future, later mess. You move on. Moving on is a good thing for you. It won't keep them from coming back if that's what they choose to do at some future date; but it will keep you from being stuck and miserable waiting for someone who may never return. Keeps you from giving them the opportunity to lead you on. You move on, work on discovering your value, get your confidence up to a healthy level. Maybe they show back up at some point but now you've put in work to become a healthier version of yourself. You may see they are still the same mess, and say...'no thanks'. ;)

 

I wish I'd learned this 2.5 months ago! I learned from hurtful experience. My ex also wanted to have his cake and eat it too and said maybe we can try again in the future when he's not as busy but until then we could see where things go. Then found him on Tinder and POF...and I accidentally ran across his POF yesterday and it says he's looking for a relationship. Waiting until he's not busy my foot! He just wanted me as backup!

 

Each day that passes with NC gets easier, except with accidental instances like that. But with more emotional distance, I remember more clearly the reasons why I do not want to be with him again. Especially the reasons that blatantly disrespected me, like stringing me along and keeping me as a backup.

 

For my future, I'm going to remember that I've never stayed friends with exes, nor do I ever want to. If someone wants to break it off, then they lose me completely. That's their choice. They have to live with it.

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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I also remind myself I'll be stronger and better after this so it'll all be worth it. Anything that's a struggle usually is.

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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Day 6 NC! I haven't had any temptation the last few days to reach out to him because I said what I needed to say. Plus he blocked me on FB and I don't want to try to find out if he also blocked my phone number lol. He just couldn't handle remembering the negative things he did (which was the last message I sent him because I got tired of groveling and being a door mat).

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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Oh my gosh, reading through my old posts with more emotional perspective makes me see my ex and our break-up in a TOTALLY different light! I can't believe I was so understanding about the Tinder thing, that was not okay! I can't remember who said it but the intention to cheat was there and that is unacceptable.

 

And get this...he said him being on Tinder didn't define my trust in him...totally disregarding the effect it had on me! Of course it would affect my trust in him!!!! Admitting to being on Tinder during the relationship and then telling me it shouldn't affect the trust I have in him?!?! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY. WHAT THE HECK WAS WRONG WITH ME THAT I ACCEPTED THIS CRAPPY BEHAVIOR?!?!

 

Oh my gosh...just....oh my gosh. I can't believe I put up with that.

 

The more time goes on, the less I want anything to do with him.

 

I feel sorry for his future romantic partners because he refuses to accept responsibility for his part in relationships and effect on other people.

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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I wish you could see my house now with all the furniture in it. I still can't believe you helped me move and then led me on. I often wonder why I ended up closer to you than I was before in a place that couldn't be more perfect for me job-wise and residence-wise. Why here? Why closer to you when I looked at opportunities much farther away? Why here when you're never going to contact me or try to see me again? I am so grateful for work because I can spend hours there and not think about you. Because I doubt you ever think about me.

  • 2 weeks later...
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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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I messed up and Facebook stalked my ex. Y'all can go back through my threads if you want more back story.

 

But when he and I got together, one of his female friends was SUPER angry we got together. He swore he had no feelings for her and would never date her and wasn't interested in her. I trusted him. I believed him. Because good relationships are trusting.

 

Anyways, then we break up.

 

After the break-up, he said he was willing to see where things go with us. But then I learned he was going on a road trip with this same female friend from before. He swore to me that he assured her that he had no intention of being intimate with her. Well, 2 to 3 weeks after that road trip, they are Facebook official.

 

Oh my gosh, I can't believe this.

 

Words of comfort please!!!

 

My heart just...WHAT.

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springy Established Member

springy

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Why, why, whyyyyyy did you look?

 

No good ever comes from looking.

 

He may just be passing the time til he meets the next one.

 

You should stay off FB, twitter, whatever, for a very long time. If you can't not look, deactivating is the best option.

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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I knowwwwww.

 

The kick is, I don't think I would have cared as much if he were in a relationship with someone else. But this specific person bothers me simply because she was so angry we were together. I wanted him to get into a relationship with anyone but her. Like, I feel like the loser in this situation and she won.

 

Anyone else ever experience something similar?

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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I wish I could move far away but have a great opportunity starting my career I would be foolish to give up :/

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springy Established Member

springy

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I'm sorry idk what to say. Do not look again ever. Ever. Ever. In cases like these ignorance is bliss. I went through something similar. I got off all social media until the urge to look had long passed. Stay busy, try to focus on the good things you've got going for you. You've got a good career opportunity starting soon. That may give you the experience to move up and out of town some day. You will get to meet new people and have new experiences.

 

Do not look again. Ever.

Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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Ye i saw them at work lol but he's left now and gone overseas lol.

 

I'm learning more and more that wen someone decides to breakup almost garauntee it's a 3rd party in the picture 90 percent of the time.

 

Imy so scarred from my most recent ex that I have no urge at all to get into another relationship. People come wth too many issues and baggage and love is hell

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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I've read some of your posts Goodguy, it's terrible you had to see them at work! My ex lives an hour away; with any good luck, I'll never see him and his girlfriend. But I seem to have awful luck in these situations. I feel like I'm the female real-life version of Good Luck Chuck lol

 

I just hate this feeling that I'm the loser and she won. But then again, she didn't win much. I remember we drove by an internet company and he flipped off the building as we drove by because he didn't like their service. So rude and immature.

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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Springy, in what ways was your circumstance similar to mine and how long did it take to get to indifference?

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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My guess is that this girl was so angry when you two got together because they had been together in some capacity too. I very much doubt the version of their "friendship" he gave you was the truth.

 

That says a lot about his character, I believe. I'm sorry you found out this way.

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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I agree ExpatInItaly. It makes sense now why he acted like I should just give him my trust and was not okay with earning it. I think people who are okay having someone earn trust for them are super trustworthy. And he was not. It's just hard looking forward because healthy relationships require trust but my trust in relationship partners keeps getting broken.

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babysacay Established Member

babysacay

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Also, another thing that stands out is that when he and I got together, he had been single 4 to 6 months maximum. But he told me he'd been single a long time...that doesn't seem like such a long time. It's almost like he's not okay being single.

Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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Here's my mantra to remember wen in moments of weakness......

 

 

"Rejection breeds obsession"!........

 

 

Remember that pretty powerful

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