Michelle ma Belle Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 Thank God I only historically gravitate to strong women....Holy crap... Anyway...Huge insecurity here.....and you basically want him to be insecure along side of you...I absolutely hate the game some women play where they tell you some guy is checking them out(sometimes its not even true) and expect the guy to freak out...Ridiculous...These are the same women that blow up their guys phone 18 times if they don't hear from them in some pre determined amount of time..Or they'll freak out if you don;t put them in your relationship status on FB.....No effin way... Some guys and even some women(although less common I am sure) are not touchy feely...In most cases, It has little to nothing to do with how they feel for their partner..Additionally, don't compare yourself to other people/couples...Thats a road to nowhere...What will you be dissatisfied with next....that your friends guy has a sic pack and your guy has a paunch?? Live your own life and dont bother with what other people do.. If you absolutely need that, then let that guy go...Find someone else to validate you or be your pacifier....Don't try to "train" him like a dog...Its not in his comfort zone, and to coax him to be something he's not comfortable with is just nonsense.. TFY I completely agree with this post. Just like insecure men being highly unattractive, insecure women are just as unattractive as well as dangerous. Who the hell wants to play these games in their relationship? Sounds unbelievably exhausting as well as incredibly immature. OP, it's perfectly fine to have needs and even better if you are aware of what those are and can articulate them. It's NOT fine, however, to think you can train or trick someone into giving them to you. Talk about wasting valuable time and energy. 1
Lorenza Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 You don't sound like you're happy. This will eat you up. A relationship should bring something into our lives what we can't have when we're by ourselves. For me, the ability to touch, kiss, hold hands and feel the closeness of another human being is one of those things. Don't compromise... You only have one life, why depriving yourself of things essential for your happiness. This hunger will only grow stronger. 1
2much4 Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 How is he in private? I really don't like PDA. I hold hands in public. The thought of doing anything more than that with family or friends around just makes me cringe. If there's only strangers around I'm a bit more relaxed. I'll also hug you or give you a kiss. This has nothing to do with the person I'm seeing. For me kissing is something very private and I don't want people looking at me when I do it. I don't like looking at people kissing either. If someone tried to ease me into kissing them in front of my friends I think I would feel quite....smothered. In private I'm very touchy though. Maybe if he ups the affection in private you'll feel better about not touching as much in public. 1
Author babybrowns Posted August 11, 2017 Author Posted August 11, 2017 How is he in private? I really don't like PDA. I hold hands in public. The thought of doing anything more than that with family or friends around just makes me cringe. If there's only strangers around I'm a bit more relaxed. I'll also hug you or give you a kiss. This has nothing to do with the person I'm seeing. For me kissing is something very private and I don't want people looking at me when I do it. I don't like looking at people kissing either. If someone tried to ease me into kissing them in front of my friends I think I would feel quite....smothered. In private I'm very touchy though. Maybe if he ups the affection in private you'll feel better about not touching as much in public. Thanks for sharing this, it does help a lot to get an insight from someone else who's not into PDA. The thing is that he is not that different in private; I might reach for a kiss and he doesn't reciprocate, and calls me "very cuddly" when I do display affection. Normally I would consider this a big dealbreaker but other things are very good. I guess I'm hoping that by lessening my affections it makes him feel it and increase his. Will see if it works. Thank you all for your help.
Gaeta Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Thanks for sharing this, it does help a lot to get an insight from someone else who's not into PDA. The thing is that he is not that different in private; I might reach for a kiss and he doesn't reciprocate, and calls me "very cuddly" when I do display affection. Normally I would consider this a big dealbreaker but other things are very good. I guess I'm hoping that by lessening my affections it makes him feel it and increase his. Will see if it works. Thank you all for your help. I am afraid to ask how is sex? is there any display of love or affection in there? Of course there are other good things in him but those are the qualities you can find in a friend. The difference between friendship and a boyfriend, or the difference between a fwb and a boyfriend is the intimacy. And I don't mean sex by intimacy. It sounds like you and him have no 'intimacy'. 1
heavenonearth Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Thanks for sharing this, it does help a lot to get an insight from someone else who's not into PDA. The thing is that he is not that different in private; I might reach for a kiss and he doesn't reciprocate, and calls me "very cuddly" when I do display affection. Normally I would consider this a big dealbreaker but other things are very good. I guess I'm hoping that by lessening my affections it makes him feel it and increase his. Will see if it works. Thank you all for your help. That can be difficult. I know from my current boyfriend that his ex showed him very little affection, which, after years of patience, just drove him away. You may put up with it now, but it is likely that with time, you just will realize that this is not truly making you happy, because you do seek physical contact and closeness with the person you love, but they can't give it to you. It's better probably to find someone who fits better to you in that regard. 1
kendahke Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Yes my partner had said he was like that with previous girlfriends too; that he has "never been that guy". Then this is who you deal with, not who you wished he would be or investing in his potential. He doesn't like holding your hand in public. If that is a bottom line issue, then this isn't a guy you want to make your boyfriend--he's probably good as a friend and that's it. You staying with him says you're fine with who/how he is.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 I am very affectionate and want the same in a partner. PDA is vital. It would drive me crazy to be with someone who does not openly display affection in public.
kendahke Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Did he he have autism or Asperger's as a child and still has some aspect of it now that he's an adult? If he's saying he's always been that way, then this is something that could be the reason why he's always been like that. If it's the case, then that is truly how he is and he can't change that. If it's not, then he doesn't like doing this with any girl. If you need more than this from a guy, then you need to find a guy who likes PDA's. But getting jealous of other couple won't flip him into being some either he can't be or more importantly: doesn't want to be.
anduina Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 He's never once called me 'beautiful'. As far as compliments go, most of the time it's just "aww you look cute". If another man is giving me unwanted attention he always assigns it to another reason, e.g. "perhaps he's staring because you have funny shoes on today", "perhaps you looked lost", until I tell him the person in question actually asked for my number when I get the "ah right!". I don't want to speak to him too much about this because it will make me look even more insecure to him. I don't know what to do He's downplaying you for a reason. That's not good. Add in how cold he is towards you even though you've expressed a need for a reasonable level of PDA and what you have is a guy who's playing head games with you. This would be a deal breaker for me. Someone who needs to step on you to elevate himself. 1
Gaeta Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 My question was never answered. How long have you been dating exactly?
fred123 Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Did he he have autism or Asperger's as a child and still has some aspect of it now that he's an adult? If he's saying he's always been that way, then this is something that could be the reason why he's always been like that. If it's the case, then that is truly how he is and he can't change that. If it's not, then he doesn't like doing this with any girl. If you need more than this from a guy, then you need to find a guy who likes PDA's. But getting jealous of other couple won't flip him into being some either he can't be or more importantly: doesn't want to be. What if he did these things with his previous girls and he will do it with the next girl he is into? That would sting OP even more when she realises its cos of her he aint intonher
Robratory Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months, we are both in our mid/late twenties. Things are generally good, but one issue that keeps propping up is his dislike of PDA and my need for it. You need to start recognizing deal-breakers. This is not even a problem because it has no solution. You picked the wrong guy. Toss him back and cast your line again. 2
Robratory Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Then this is who you deal with, not who you wished he would be I've come to realize that 90% of the posts here amount to "how can I change this person?" The answer is always, "You can't." 1
Gaeta Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 What if he did these things with his previous girls and he will do it with the next girl he is into? That would sting OP even more when she realises its cos of her he aint intonher It does not matter what he did or will do. What matters is here and now, with her, he is not affectionate and she is unhappy. I don't think this man is in love, period.
anduina Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 It does not matter what he did or will do. What matters is here and now, with her, he is not affectionate and she is unhappy. I don't think this man is in love, period.Not sure if he's not in love but his approach to love would be a dealbreaker considering the OP's needs and personality. He sounds insecure.
Gaeta Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Not sure if he's not in love but his approach to love would be a dealbreaker considering the OP's needs and personality. He sounds insecure. He cannot even give her affection when they're in private. I call him emotionally constipated.
anduina Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 He cannot even give her affection when they're in private. I call him emotionally constipated.That I can agree with. This guy sounds like a cold fish and insecure to boot. Secure people elevate their boyfriends and girlfriends. Insecure people put them down.
kendahke Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) What if he did these things with his previous girls and he will do it with the next girl he is into? That would sting OP even more when she realises its cos of her he aint intonher He's already told her he was this way with past girls. From OP: Yes my partner had said he was like that with previous girlfriends too; that he has "never been that guy". OP won't know what he does in the future for certain because she will be off living her life to the fullest and not choosing to be mired in the muck, obsessing about how this guy may or may not be with the next girl. Edited August 11, 2017 by kendahke 1
Author babybrowns Posted August 12, 2017 Author Posted August 12, 2017 My question was never answered. How long have you been dating exactly? We've now been officially dating for just under a year. Thank you everyone for your insight; it does really help to hear from people who have been there and who can look at the situation subjectively. For now I think I will stick it out and see if it helps things if I withdraw my affections a little and see if he "misses them". It is a little difficult for me to do that since we only see each other once or twice a month, being a plane journey away from each other, and I miss him so much in-between that I find it hard to keep distance from him when I do see him. But it does hurt when he makes comments or rejects me, so that'll help me withhold more next time. Thank you all again x
Gaeta Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 (edited) We've now been officially dating for just under a year. Thank you everyone for your insight; it does really help to hear from people who have been there and who can look at the situation subjectively. For now I think I will stick it out and see if it helps things if I withdraw my affections a little and see if he "misses them". It is a little difficult for me to do that since we only see each other once or twice a month, being a plane journey away from each other, and I miss him so much in-between that I find it hard to keep distance from him when I do see him. But it does hurt when he makes comments or rejects me, so that'll help me withhold more next time. Thank you all again x *hitting head on keyboard* You see him TWICE a month and he cannot even kiss you and hug you with passion in private!!! And your solution to that is to withdraw your affection on those 2 times a month!!! Edited August 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
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