His aversion to PDA is making me jealous of other couples?

[babybrowns]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months, we are both in our mid/late twenties. Things are generally good, but one issue that keeps propping up is his dislike of PDA and my need for it. We've not spoken about it that much but when we have he just confesses he's "not wired like that". I try to respect that but it's difficult when I see other couples doing it so much. Behind closed doors things are good, it is just "in the open" that they are not.

 

It's not like I want him to be all over me but when we are around other people, he very much refrains from any physical contact with me and it hurts.

 

The real breaking point came the other day when I had organised a BBQ at my house to introduce him to some more of my friends, and he just wouldn't hold my hand at all. What made it worse is that another couple who were there were holding hands and hugging each other the entire time, it put me into a disheartened mood to watch that and not have my boyfriend wanting to even take my hand at my own party. Ive started feeling jealous of other loved up couples when I'm out and about and how I don't get the same from my own boyfriend.

 

Advice would be appreciated

[d0nnivain]

Ask him to compromise, perhaps holding your hand as you walk.

 

My husband wasn't into PDA but I eased him into it. Now he grabs my hand first.

[Gaeta]

How long is a few months?

 

Couples being all over each other in front of a public is all fluff. It's not something you need to be happy in a relationship.

 

While I was reading your story I was reminded of my last weekend. I was throwing a big birthday party for my daughter and we were around 40 people. Pretty much the whole night my bf was socialzing from one group to another while I was socializing with different groups. At the end of the night we ended up sitting at the same table but with someone between us. We did not touch all night. I did not feel unwanted or unloved, not one second because we have a very loving and fullfilled relationship. I also don't envy other couples I have nothing to envy, I have everything a woman could wish for.

 

That being said I am ready to bet you do not feel seccure in this relationship and you are looking for gestures from him to hang on to. A happy woman never ever envies other couples.

[fred123]

How long is a few months?

 

Couples being all over each other in front of a public is all fluff. It's not something you need to be happy in a relationship.

 

While I was reading your story I was reminded of my last weekend. I was throwing a big birthday party for my daughter and we were around 40 people. Pretty much the whole night my bf was socialzing from one group to another while I was socializing with different groups. At the end of the night we ended up sitting at the same table but with someone between us. We did not touch all night. I did not feel unwanted or unloved, not one second because we have a very loving and fullfilled relationship. I also don't envy other couples I have nothing to envy, I have everything a woman could wish for.

 

That being said I am ready to bet you do not feel seccure in this relationship and you are looking for gestures from him to hang on to. A happy woman never ever envies other couples.

 

What about possibility he is embarrased of her??

How would she feel knowing he likes pda and has done it in the past with previous girls?

[mortensorchid]

Have you asked him why he's not into PDA? Even the smallest types of it like holding hands while you walk down the street?

 

Is his job or his past indicative of it? You may not have heard of this, but your job may dictate certain behaviors. Believe it or not, I can't be touched in public beyond a handshake because I'm a teacher. I was out at a poetry slam with the last guy I dated and he kissed me there - when a kid came up to me and said she was in a class I had (I was a multi district sub last year), I was horrified that she would go back and tell everyone she saw something other than a kiss. Or ... Maybe he had a bad experience with it in the past? A former friend of mine ripped me to shreds over introducing my new bf at a party may years ago. We are no longer friends and have not been in a very long time over that, but it left me with some PTSD (which I am just now realizing) that has shaped many things about my behaviors with others now - being afraid or keeping to myself around strangers or coworkers or even those I consider peers. Maybe he has some kind of limitations that way.

[Gaeta]

What about possibility he is embarrased of her??

How would she feel knowing he likes pda and has done it in the past with previous girls?

 

If he is embarrassed of her then he should not date her. You should be proud of who is standing next to you and who you introduce as your gf or bf.

[Bastile]

I'm not sure how you are supposed to fix this for him

 

Get him to come on here, and figure it out. Explain the importance of it, and he should be getting to grips with it.

 

I think this happens often, when the wrong person is looking for improvements - when the other person should be.

 

Regarding jealousy, I don't think there's any greater IOI's I get from women than when I've been doing PDA with an attractive woman in public. Even just walking along with my arm around her, joking and having a laugh.

 

It's about the most common thing going. Seriously. Which means that it's normal.

 

I used to be very shy, and had to get over it myself. Not sure how a woman is supposed to get you over it.

 

Yes, there can be very extroverted women that get you having sex in public and the like, but that then becomes a crutch. It doesn't really make the man take any more initiative in his dealings, until he makes the decision to improve it himself.

[heavenonearth]

It would be a deal breaker for me, if a guy would not want to hold my hand in public or kiss me whilst walking down the street.

After all, this can be one of the best feelings.

The guy I am seeing and me are inseparable when we go out, I am proud to have him by my side, and so is he.

[mikeylo]

Ask him to compromise, perhaps holding your hand as you walk.

 

My husband wasn't into PDA but I eased him into it. Now he grabs my hand first.

 

Yeah, ease him into it. Start from holding hands then kiss ,then progress as he becomes more receptive.

 

If it doesn't get better then you go into thinking deeper into it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

This could be one of two things;

 

1. As already pointed out, you're either insecure about your relationship (or yourself for that matter) where you require validation and approval while out in public, as if it doesn't really count unless other people see it

 

OR

 

2. It's another case of two people having different Love Languages (Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®).

 

I would like to think that if you're in you mid to late twenties you're not the latter but only you can answer that honestly.

 

As for differing Love Languages, it's something to think about particularly since your BF confessed straight up that he's "not wired like that" regarding PDA.

 

My ex husband was 'not wired' for PDA either. When he took the Love Language test which was part of one of our marriage counselling sessions, his primary love language turned out to be Acts of Service. This means the way he shows and feels loved is in the act of doing things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

 

My dominant love language is Physical Touch. I show and feel love through touch from something so simple as holding hands to sex and everything in between.

 

Miles apart on the spectrum!

 

Learning about each other's Love Language is the easy part, just take the quiz and VOILA! The hard part comes afterwards. Knowing your partner's Love Language then requires you to act in the ways your partner feels loved. It's about compromise and meeting in the middle.

 

Your relationship is still very new so I'm not sure how invested he would be to not only take the test but then act on it for the sake of your relationship. Again, only you can answer that one.

 

All I will tell you is that if someone tells you point blank they're hardwired to be a certain way, they're pretty much telling you they're not all the interested in making sweeping and dramatic changes just to please you.

 

Do you like this guy enough to accept that he may never give you the PDA you ache for? If not, then you need to ask yourself why not and go from there.

 

Good luck.

[Gaeta]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months, we are both in our mid/late twenties. Things are generally good,

 

That indicates you have other issues in the relationship.

 

The real breaking point came the other day when I had organised a BBQ at my house to introduce him to some more of my friends, and he just wouldn't hold my hand at all.

 

Would you go in details about this. Do you mean you reached for his hand and he rejected it? He did a Melania move?

 

What made it worse is that another couple who were there were holding hands and hugging each other the entire time,

I have a hard time with this. Why do you compare yourself to other couples? Now it's the hand holding but if he were holding your hand then it would be what? other couples have houses? other couples have pets together? other couples have kids? other couples.....This is a dangerous game.

 

I get a man does not want to have his girlfriend clinging to him in front of people, I can get not holding hands all the time specially while walking, my bf is tall I am a short little thing so holding hands while walking looks like a little girl holding her dad's hand. What I am perplex about in your case is his *refusal*. I understand not liking to hold hands but rejecting your partners hand when she approaches her hand............he could give you a touch at least with a kind word and let go of our hand.

[babybrowns]

Thank you to everyone for your replies, I really appreciate them. Yes my partner had said he was like that with previous girlfriends too; that he has "never been that guy".

 

He is trying to change this aspect about him for me though which is very kind; over the months I did get him to start holding hands. I don't want to ask for too much because I do want these things to have a 'natural drive' behind them, which brings me to another point which a lot of you have hypothesised; there is some insecurity on my side, which is that my partner sometimes makes me feel like he's not that attracted to me.

 

He's never once called me 'beautiful'. As far as compliments go, most of the time it's just "aww you look cute". If another man is giving me unwanted attention he always assigns it to another reason, e.g. "perhaps he's staring because you have funny shoes on today", "perhaps you looked lost", until I tell him the person in question actually asked for my number when I get the "ah right!". I don't want to speak to him too much about this because it will make me look even more insecure to him. I don't know what to do

Edited July 1, 2017 by babybrowns

[babybrowns]

This could be one of two things;

 

1. As already pointed out, you're either insecure about your relationship (or yourself for that matter) where you require validation and approval while out in public, as if it doesn't really count unless other people see it

 

OR

 

2. It's another case of two people having different Love Languages (Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®).

 

I would like to think that if you're in you mid to late twenties you're not the latter but only you can answer that honestly.

 

As for differing Love Languages, it's something to think about particularly since your BF confessed straight up that he's "not wired like that" regarding PDA.

 

My ex husband was 'not wired' for PDA either. When he took the Love Language test which was part of one of our marriage counselling sessions, his primary love language turned out to be Acts of Service. This means the way he shows and feels loved is in the act of doing things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

 

My dominant love language is Physical Touch. I show and feel love through touch from something so simple as holding hands to sex and everything in between.

 

Miles apart on the spectrum!

 

Learning about each other's Love Language is the easy part, just take the quiz and VOILA! The hard part comes afterwards. Knowing your partner's Love Language then requires you to act in the ways your partner feels loved. It's about compromise and meeting in the middle.

 

Your relationship is still very new so I'm not sure how invested he would be to not only take the test but then act on it for the sake of your relationship. Again, only you can answer that one.

 

All I will tell you is that if someone tells you point blank they're hardwired to be a certain way, they're pretty much telling you they're not all the interested in making sweeping and dramatic changes just to please you.

 

Do you like this guy enough to accept that he may never give you the PDA you ache for? If not, then you need to ask yourself why not and go from there.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for this it is very helpful, yes I feel that his love language is similar to the one you described; he shows his love in other ways.

 

That indicates you have other issues in the relationship.

 

 

 

Would you go in details about this. Do you mean you reached for his hand and he rejected it? He did a Melania move?

 

I have a hard time with this. Why do you compare yourself to other couples? Now it's the hand holding but if he were holding your hand then it would be what? other couples have houses? other couples have pets together? other couples have kids? other couples.....This is a dangerous game.

 

I get a man does not want to have his girlfriend clinging to him in front of people, I can get not holding hands all the time specially while walking, my bf is tall I am a short little thing so holding hands while walking looks like a little girl holding her dad's hand. What I am perplex about in your case is his *refusal*. I understand not liking to hold hands but rejecting your partners hand when she approaches her hand............he could give you a touch at least with a kind word and let go of our hand.

 

Thanks for your insight, I know I shouldn't compare the PDA to other couples but it's just a big thing for me In terms of the refusal I address, normally when I put my hand on my partner's knee he takes it. In front of friends he does not. That to me is a refusal and it made me feel like an idiot in front of my friends.

[CptInsano]

Thank you to everyone for your replies, I really appreciate them. Yes my partner had said he was like that with previous girlfriends too; that he has "never been that guy".

 

He is trying to change this aspect about him for me though which is very kind; over the months I did get him to start holding hands. I don't want to ask for too much because I do want these things to have a 'natural drive' behind them

 

Yes, it becomes tricky at that point. You can negotiate his actions but not his desires in a relationship. He is obviously not embarrassed to hold hands with you, he just doesn't feel the urge. He must care about you, otherwise he wouldn't go down this path, but he does seem to express himself very differently.

 

, which brings me to another point which a lot of you have hypothesised; there is some insecurity on my side, which is that my partner sometimes makes me feel like he's not that attracted to me.

 

He's never once called me 'beautiful'. As far as compliments go, most of the time it's just "aww you look cute". If another man is giving me unwanted attention he always assigns it to another reason, e.g. "perhaps he's staring because you have funny shoes on today", "perhaps you looked lost", until I tell him the person in question actually asked for my number when I get the "ah right!". I don't want to speak to him too much about this because it will make me look even more insecure to him. I don't know what to do

 

I'm very much on your partner's side on this one. I'm trusting my gf not to contact other guys no matter what these guys do. I also don't want to control who my gf are talking to or not. Of course other guys are hitting on her, and if I would let that bother me I would go insane without being able to do something about it. It worries me that you expect a different reaction.

 

I would really look at your boyfriends actions. Is he there for you, do his words match his actions? I must admit that I also don't call women beautiful all the time, actually very little. But I'm more of an affectionate person. Have you asked him how he expresses his love for somebody?

[Gaeta]

How long have you been dating?

 

I had a feeling there was other issues. Dating is about finding a compatible partner. This man is probably a good guy and he'll make a perfect boyfriend for someone else, to a woman that don't put too much emphasis on public touch and compliments.

 

You are entitled to want what you want but consider he may not be the right man to give it to you. You are only a few months in and already you are craving something that is missing and asking of him to change, or yourself to change.

 

I would really like to know how long you've been dating.

 

I am a very confident woman and I STILL want compliments from my man. It's not about being insecure, it's about feeling desired and loved. That is how most of us women are wired. If men knew how a simple compliment make us feel loved they may make a bit of an effort. *What is so difficult in opening their mouth and letting something nice come out*.

 

When men look at you in public and he divert the attention to something else maybe he had an ex gf trying to make him jealous like this, who knows. Maybe he sees a trick and don't want to bite into it. I would find it annoying.

 

Words hold a lot of power. If they are important to you do not settle for a life without them.

[elaine567]

In your previous thread you spoke about how you [] felt ignored and made to feel "less than" and "invisible" in different situations by other people when out with your bf.and how your bf didn't really "get it".

 

I think that his refusal to hold your hand and kiss you in public, ie acknowledge your existence, is feeding into your feeling "less then" too. The fact he never really compliments you either also feeds into that insecurity.

 

You are now thinking, if he was proud to be your bf, he would want the world to know it and defend you against all comers. If he can kiss you behind closed doors why can't he kiss you in public to make you feel loved and wanted?

And you are no doubt asking the question, would his aversion to PDA be as pronounced, if you were a white woman?

 

I don't really know the answer, but if you are a person who needs compliments and PDA to feel loved and adored, and if you are querying his level of attraction to you too, then you may need to reassess this whole relationship as you may not be ultimately compatible.

Too many women settle for "undemonstrative" men and then spend their lives wondering, "Does he really care anything for me at all?".

He should make you feel on top of the world, not feel like he dismisses your concerns and make you feel like he is kind of "hiding you away".

Edited July 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[babybrowns]

In your previous thread you spoke about how you [] felt ignored and made to feel "less than" and "invisible" in different situations by other people when out with your bf.

and how your bf didn't really "get it".

 

I think that his refusal to hold your hand and kiss you in public, ie acknowledge your existence, is feeding into your feeling "less then" too. The fact he never really compliments you either also feeds into that insecurity.<snip>

 

[] What makes me insecure is his lack of attention towards me in public.

Edited July 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and topical content

[Lorenza]

I understand you, OP, and would probably feel the same way were I in your shoes. To me, showing a tiny bit of possessiveness is very attractive and PDA is a way to "claim" a person as your own in front of other people. I might be wrong but that's how I perceive it based on my instincts. Nothing wrong in socializing with other people on a party, but snatching some moments to acknowledge each other can be so exciting.

 

Talk to your guy, but don't nag. If he does something affectionate in public, tell him later how good it felt to you. I think men love to see their women happy and content and shun unhappy complaining women. The only way to encourage him to do something you like is to ease him into by showing your appreciation for the progress he makes.

[thefooloftheyear]

Thank God I only historically gravitate to strong women....Holy crap...

 

Anyway...Huge insecurity here.....and you basically want him to be insecure along side of you...I absolutely hate the game some women play where they tell you some guy is checking them out(sometimes its not even true) and expect the guy to freak out...Ridiculous...These are the same women that blow up their guys phone 18 times if they don't hear from them in some pre determined amount of time..Or they'll freak out if you don;t put them in your relationship status on FB.....No effin way...

 

Some guys and even some women(although less common I am sure) are not touchy feely...In most cases, It has little to nothing to do with how they feel for their partner..Additionally, don't compare yourself to other people/couples...Thats a road to nowhere...What will you be dissatisfied with next....that your friends guy has a sic pack and your guy has a paunch?? Live your own life and dont bother with what other people do..

 

If you absolutely need that, then let that guy go...Find someone else to validate you or be your pacifier....Don't try to "train" him like a dog...Its not in his comfort zone, and to coax him to be something he's not comfortable with is just nonsense..

 

TFY

Edited July 2, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[TheWoman]

I am extremely secure in dating and relationships and I have come to realise PDA is essential for me. Like Michelle I am touch dominant and no PDA feels like something important is missing. I used to see someone who wasn't into it, and it was so frustrating for me, I resented it.

 

I have just started seeing someone who is as 'handsy' as I am and its great. Fantastic for keeping physical side between us exciting (we are of course discrete), although its very new so I am sure things will calm down, lol.

 

The only times I have ever not wanted PDA with someone Im seeing, is basically when there is something about them I am not sure about and therefore I do not want the 'world to know' we are together in that way. Always ends soon after I have that realisation. There is that element to it as well - the public recognition of your togetherness. When I am really into someone, that feels good too. But not having it reciprocated would be hurtful, and I am not an insecure person.

 

If lots of touch is important to you, maybe you cannot compromise on it?

[babybrowns]

Hello everyone, I just wanted to update this thread. First thank you so much for all your help. I have now spoken to my boyfriend about it a few times during our relationship but things have hardly changed. It's just the way he's wired and I can't do anything about it. It hurts when he outwardly rejects say me leaning in for a kiss, but my solution is I have to stop doing that to stop getting hurt.

 

However the problem actually goes deeper than what I thought at first; I have noticed that even when we are on our own he hardly kisses me. He always jokingly comments that I'm "quite cuddly" when I'm kissing or hugging him, it's what he says instead of reciprocating. We are in a LDR and the only time he gives me anything more than just a peck for a kiss is when we are saying goodbye at the end of our meetup. Not once in all the time I have known him has he ever been passionate with me or "all over me".

 

I am really getting tired of this and it is starting to put me off.

[Miss Spider]

the only time he gives me anything more than just a peck for a kiss is when we are saying goodbye at the end of our meetup. Not once in all the time I have known him has he ever been passionate with me or "all over me".

 

I am really getting tired of this and it is starting to put me off.

 

 

This would be a deal breaker for me - a compatibility issue, babybrowns. Especially after you talk to him about it. People have a different ways of being and sometimes they just don't mesh with ours. I couldn't deal with someone who lacked such physical affection. I'm sorry you have found yourself in this dilemma

[act00]

Lack of affection is a real deal-breaker for me. I don't mean we always have to be joined at the hip and intertwined when we're alone, but a touch, a kiss, hand holding, and other forms of affection are very important to me. Of course alone watching a movie, I like sitting close and cuddling, but we don't always have to cuddle. I was seeing a guy who was perfect in this area (wish that one worked out) and it really made me realize how important it is. Maybe it's time you reevaluate this person because this is something that is going to cause major issue long-term. Maybe you can settle with it (hopefully he'll get better) because he's the one, but it could cause a lot of resentment. To me, it does have validation of his feelings for me, and it just feels good.

 

Of course I don't want clingy. I don't want to always have to be joined at the hip and always hanging on each other, but there is a balance. I don't know if you can find that balance. If affection is lacking, even behind closed doors, this would be a major issue for me, and generally a deal-breaker.

[babybrowns]

Thank you both. It really is upsetting to not have my affections reciprocated or to have his own initiated, the comfort I have is that he shows me in many other ways that he does love me. My solution is to just be less affectionate with him as to not get hurt from rejection, I just feel like an idiot when he comments on how affectionate I am being.

 

I remember at the beginning of one our meet ups when we'd not seen each other for 4 weeks I started hugging and kissing him as soon as I saw him in the hotel room and all he could say was "someone's quite cuddly tonight!" and that was that.

 

However when I have addressed these comments during our many chats about his level of affection, he has pointed out that the comments reflect him "liking it" but it really doesn't feel that way. The only times he is at all affectionate are when we are saying goodbye and that just sucks.

[Gaeta]

Thank you both. It really is upsetting to not have my affections reciprocated or to have his own initiated, the comfort I have is that he shows me in many other ways that he does love me. My solution is to just be less affectionate with him as to not get hurt from rejection, I just feel like an idiot when he comments on how affectionate I am being.

 

I remember at the beginning of one our meet ups when we'd not seen each other for 4 weeks I started hugging and kissing him as soon as I saw him in the hotel room and all he could say was "someone's quite cuddly tonight!" and that was that.

 

However when I have addressed these comments during our many chats about his level of affection, he has pointed out that the comments reflect him "liking it" but it really doesn't feel that way. The only times he is at all affectionate are when we are saying goodbye and that just sucks.

 

Why are you settling? Why are you offering yourself a life long of no affection, no kissing and no embrace? Physical touch is extremely important in a relationship and health wise. This can only be more miserable as time goes by.

 

Your solution is ridiculous, I am sorry I don't want to offend you. Your solution is like someone running out of water saying because he's running out of water he'll just drink less as if drinking less will make his thirst go away! It won't.

 

Imagine you had a daughter, would you want her to have a life time of no affection!