Is he being distant?

[NCAC]

Sorry, but most people aren't insecure.

 

Texts accusing someone of using you constitute angry messages. Put yourself in the receiver's shoes. Honestly, would you have warm fuzzies if someone accused you of using them when there was no real basis for that? Would you be eager to reach out?

 

Look at your role in what happened. Until you do, and take responsibility for your part in this, you'll continue to react this way whenever, to use your own words, "your head melts."

 

Well yes I am secure! If I was on the receiving end and I had respect for the person I would write back at the very least not make a show of the person

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, the issue isn't so much that you are feeling insecure but rather how you responded to that feeling. That very much is under your control.

 

The ability to regulate your emotions is a sign of maturity. It doesn't mean you cannot express how you're feeling, but the way you go about doing so is critical. That was your mistake here.

 

Until you take ownership for your part in this, reaching out to him again probably will be futile because it will turn into an argument.

[Redhead14]

I've just made a complete fool of myself he won't reach out now I doubt it. I have bad aniexity when it comes to these things and now i have ****ed up ywt again' like I know I'm an amazing person and he was crazy about me ugh I feel so lost now I'm welling up at my desk in work why is he continuing to ignore me! Why couldn't you just write back and say look it's done instead of This ghosting ****e

 

I wouldn't say you made a complete fool of yourself, but you did tip your hand a little in the sense of showing some attachment to him that's all.

 

It would have been OK for you to ask him about the trip the first time you reached out, but not make any accusations or question the relationship.

 

You are an amazing person, so you just let to let that speak for itself for awhile. Whether he's ghosting or not is yet to be seen. Give it a day or so and observe. If he calls or reaches out by the weekend, great. If not, just let it go.

 

The way to manage this kind of anxiety is to be really busy. If you're wanting to reach out to a guy because a day or so has passed without contact, call a friend, make a hair appointment, make a dentist or car repair appointment, do something you've been putting off, etc.

[NCAC]

OP, the issue isn't so much that you are feeling insecure but rather how you responded to that feeling. That very much is under your control.

 

The ability to regulate your emotions is a sign of maturity. It doesn't mean you cannot express how you're feeling, but the way you go about doing so is critical. That was your mistake here.

 

Until you take ownership for your part in this, reaching out to him again probably will be futile because it will turn into an argument.

 

He's clearly ignoring and ghosting me on purpose I am deeply hurt and my aniexty is going through the roof now. I am so upset and it's all my fault I take full overship I went into overdrive and went full ownership of what I have done and I should of let it go but I didn't once I saw he was online and deliberately ignoring me and that hurt. I could be over reacting and he might text this evening but the fact he isn't even opening the messages says if all

[NCAC]

I wouldn't say you made a complete fool of yourself, but you did tip your hand a little in the sense of showing some attachment to him that's all.

 

It would have been OK for you to ask him about the trip the first time you reached out, but not make any accusations or question the relationship.

 

You are an amazing person, so you just let to let that speak for itself for awhile. Whether he's ghosting or not is yet to be seen. Give it a day or so and observe. If he calls or reaches out by the weekend, great. If not, just let it go.

 

The way to manage this kind of anxiety is to be really busy. If you're wanting to reach out to a guy because a day or so has passed without contact, call a friend, make a hair appointment, make a dentist or car repair appointment, do something you've been putting off, etc.

 

What's killing me is this is so out of character and the fact when he didn't write back and online sent me over the edge and made me feel so hurt

 

He was so keen now I am a shame to myself and a joke of a person who's makes this all worse. My anxiety is killing me I might have to delete and block him. I was hoping we would meet tonight for some food before I headed home I feel so so low

[fred123]

Surely if he was into her he would text her or keep in contqct over the three days at the festival no??

[NCAC]

Surely if he was into her he would text her or keep in contqct over the three days at the festival no??

 

No I wouldn't expect someone to contact me at a festival they are having f a good time with friends and likely their phone would be dead!

 

I just don't get why he won't just wb and say look it's a yay or nay

[anna121]

No I wouldn't expect someone to contact me at a festival they are having f a good time with friends and likely their phone would be dead!

 

I just don't get why he won't just wb and say look it's a yay or nay

 

He probably fears a lot of drama so for now he is keeping scarce. If you don't reach out he may begin to regain a bit of comfort and eventually contact you. Right now he is most likely extremely weirded out.

 

Delete and block is your only choice if you can't get your emotions under control. But don't do it to get a reaction from HIM.

[Redhead14]

No I wouldn't expect someone to contact me at a festival they are having f a good time with friends and likely their phone would be dead!

 

I just don't get why he won't just wb and say look it's a yay or nay

 

Up above you mentioned "out of character" and you were concerned about wasting your time/emotion. You may be seeing what kind of character he is. It's better to find out now than later.

 

In the very beginning of a new dating scenario, you sit back and observe carefully. You don't try to pin them or yourself down. Let this one go now anyway. You've stressed yourself out to the point where even if things continue with him, you will always be on high alert and anxious.

[NCAC]

He probably fears a lot of drama so for now he is keeping scarce. If you don't reach out he may begin to regain a bit of comfort and eventually contact you. Right now he is most likely extremely weirded out.

 

Delete and block is your only choice if you can't get your emotions under control. But don't do it to get a reaction from HIM.

 

Should I send one last message saying look I know I went a bit ott there. I'm sorry ? I really don't want it to be over! I know he liked me! Even on Monday night he snapchattwd mw telling me I was so gorgeous !

[fred123]

No I wouldn't expect someone to contact me at a festival they are having f a good time with friends and likely their phone would be dead!

 

I just don't get why he won't just wb and say look it's a yay or nay

 

Really? It takes a minute to send a text / one text in 3 days?!! He sure sounds like he is interested. Please correct me if im wrong

[Versacehottie]

I think you're being paranoid. Let him recover then see if he returns to the usual.

 

I agree! But like Sara says above, now you have kinda messed up by acting paranoid and panicking. It's silly to ask for reassurance the way you did after him not really doing anything but enjoying a big weekend that he already had planned. I think you planted doubts in his head now by acting needy & insecure. That's probably why after you acted that way, he'd rather spend time with his grandma than you. As Sara said, you need to own it if & when you sleep with someone, especially under the circumstances you had. You had a reasonable base where you shouldn't have been worried he was going to disappear (unless there are other things going on that you didn't mention). And anyhow you need to take the attitude that you will be fine if he does disappear because he wouldn't be the guy for you if he did that. Good luck.

[Redhead14]

Should I send one last message saying look I know I went a bit ott there. I'm sorry ? I really don't want it to be over! I know he liked me! Even on Monday night he snapchattwd mw telling me I was so gorgeous !

 

I know he liked me! -- Yeah, he didn't hate you, he did take you out a few times, but you don't know he LIKED you enough to continue to pursue you for more, you only know he thought you were gorgeous!!!! They are two different things.

 

And, no, do not send him another message. You aren't "hearing us". Let him come to you if he's going to!!! You've already dinged him twice, called him out for using you as a one-night stand when you really didn't have enough to go on for that and even if you did, you shouldn't call him out anyway.

 

I really don't want it to be over! -- You are "clinging" to him like a novice fisherman who gets his first fish on the hook and starts panicking trying not to lose it.

 

You don't want what to be over? It's only been a month of knowing this guy! You aren't in love with him, you're in love with the idea that this guy is the one and that you don't have to date anymore.

[NCAC]

Really? It takes a minute to send a text / one text in 3 days?!! He sure sounds like he is interested. Please correct me if im wrong

 

You think he is still interested even after me sending messages with him not writing back?

[Versacehottie]

No I wouldn't expect someone to contact me at a festival they are having f a good time with friends and likely their phone would be dead!

 

I just don't get why he won't just wb and say look it's a yay or nay

 

because you are adding unnecessary pressure and drama and acting insecure. It may have been a yay before and now THIS very behavior is causing him doubts. Just drop it & let him contact you.

 

BTW, I was at a festival the other day and there was no cell reception. None! Middle of nowhere, which is how a lot of them are.

[Redhead14]

You think he is still interested even after me sending messages with him not writing back?

 

The BALL IS IN HIS COURT. You leave it there now until . . . no matter how long it takes. If he does contact you again, you decide then if you're still interested. If he doesn't contact you again, you have your answer. You've messaged him, let him respond.

[Versacehottie]

You think he is still interested even after me sending messages with him not writing back?

 

I'm guessing he is waiting til you settle down or to see if you persist if he still feels anything for you, which is why you need to stop. You pushing him will more than likely result in a "no" whereas doing nothing allows the possibility of a "yes". There is nothing more you can do to force the issue

[NCAC]

I'm guessing he is waiting til you settle down or to see if you persist if he still feels anything for you, which is why you need to stop. You pushing him will more than likely result in a "no" whereas doing nothing allows the possibility of a "yes". There is nothing more you can do to force the issue

 

Here's hoping eh how the male brain works will always baffle me

[NCAC]

The BALL IS IN HIS COURT. You leave it there now until . . . no matter how long it takes. If he does contact you again, you decide then if you're still interested. If he doesn't contact you again, you have your answer. You've messaged him, let him respond.

 

How long do I wait before he might contact do you think? I'm just baffled at how it's literally changed overnight I'm too nice for my own good - it doesn't do me any favours only get ****ed over! Here welling up in the bathroom

In work life eh feeling very very low right now

[Redhead14]

How long do I wait before he might contact do you think? I'm just baffled at how it's literally changed overnight I'm too nice for my own good - it doesn't do me any favours only get ****ed over! Here welling up in the bathroom

In work life eh feeling very very low right now

 

There's no way in the world to even guess how long. Just let it be.

 

What do you mean "too nice" for your own good?

 

Just stop, right now. You need to get focused and centered again. Do what you need to do at work, that is your responsibility right now. You owe it to yourself to focus on you and your life and not fall apart over a guy you've only known for a month.

 

Cross the bridges that need to be crossed when you get to them. In other words, if/when he calls you deal with it then. In the meantime, you do what you need to do for your life/you/your job.

 

If I understand the thread correctly, they guy went away for a festival over the weekend and you haven't heard from him since he got back except when you reached out to him. He responded on Monday, yes? It's only been 2 friggin days. CHILL. You are not boyfriend and girlfriend and he doesn't have to treat you like one by calling all the time. This may just be a blip or it may be the end. It will be what it will be.

[angel.eyes]

Agreed

 

Should I send one last message saying look I know I went a bit ott there. I'm sorry ? I really don't want it to be over! I know he liked me! Even on Monday night he snapchattwd mw telling me I was so gorgeous !

 

Please stop messaging him. It will only make things worse!

 

He calls you gorgeous on Monday after he gets back from the festival, and you still felt a need to accuse him of using you as a one night stand?

 

I know this is tough and your head is imploding from your anxiety and paranoia, but you have to try and keep things in perspective. It was only four dates. FOUR dates! There is no relationship here. From what you've shared so far, it sounds as if you hadn't even agreed to be exclusive yet. Right now unfortunately, you're conveying stage 5 clinger loaded with drama and dysfunction to him...and each interaction is only escalating things for the worse.

 

Assume he's not coming back, and tonight after work, go to the gym, hang with your friends, go get a mani/pedi, get a haircut, or whatever else makes you feel good. Stay busy and amuse yourself without him. You did just fine before you met him, and you'll survive and do just fine when he's no longer in the picture...assuming you don't lose your job because you're spending the workday in the bathroom or at your desk wailing over some random you just met instead of behaving professionally and doing your job.

 

Again, it's only been four dates. There is absolutely no reason to be lashing out at him because you were panicking that he might be losing interest. That's his prerogative anyway. In early dating, most people lose interest! There is no contractual obligation to give you a particular number of dates or stay interested until XYZ time point. He's free to end things whenever it no longer works for him, like his date turns out to be psycho pants.

 

If he does eventually reach out, please keep things light. Don't launch into attack mode and berate him with more demands, accusations and drama.

[Midnight.Amber]

It's a misnomer that men lose interest after sex.

 

If they choose to back off after sex, it's because of how the woman behaves after the sex (needy, clingy, insecure, etc).

 

Which is what I suspect is happening now.

 

OP, please try and chill out. No more texts. Let him breathe.

 

If you don't, you lose him, if you haven't already.

 

And I agree that we all get insecure, it's how you choose to handle that insecurity that makes all the difference.

 

Try to contain it and deal with it internally. Don't burden him with it.

 

If you do, again, you lose him.

[Versacehottie]

Here's hoping eh how the male brain works will always baffle me

 

Awww, I hate that you are stressing out over this. You need to do like angel eyes said: book lots of things for yourself to do, time with friends, something active, commit to DOING something tonight and next few days. Actually I 100% believe that's what you should be doing in general, especially now at the beginning, especially if you have a tendency to panic.

 

I'm not so sure the male brain in that different than ours in this case (it can be in some ways sometimes). My general opinion is that guys resist or are worried about what it will be like to be "tied down" much more so than we are. So you will see some extreme reactions (or ones you don't expect) in response from things that exhibit what that will be like with you. Such as after sleeping together or sometimes in the beginning stages of dating yeah sometimes guys pull away for no apparent reason, actually even if things are going well--why, because they worry about what it will be like to all of a sudden not be single anymore. We are conditioned to think it's a good thing and they get a mix of messages about it being just as good to be single and FREE. I think normal guys are pretty protective over their freedom. They fear being whipped or stuck overcommitted to something that will be a drag.

 

So you are probably thinking that having sex was the turning point. Most likely it wasn't. Most likely, it was your reactions afterward. You just needed to ride those after days out some more--let him come to you and have some of his other life. Instead, you fed into his biggest fears by flipping out. The best time to address whatever slight you felt from him is when he would have been reaching out to you. For example, if a few days after he got back, he wanted to hang out and thinks everything's back on track after disappearing for a while, in person you could let him know lightheartedly that you have some hesitation since he disappeared for a bit. I don't think you even need to do that if you felt back on track but it you really felt slighted and that it was something that needed to be addressed--the time to say it is when he wants something from you, i.e. ready to see you and wanting to move forward again. Then it becomes about what you are willing to accept to have him in your life--a much stronger position to be in & more motivating since you are presenting yourself as very valuable. The clingy, needy of reassurance is the exact opposite of that.

 

As far as what I think you REALLY meant by saying guys brains are different than ours, i.e. why is he acting like this (no response) when you are trying to get him to respond. Actually, in my opinion, no different. I'm a girl and literally if some guy was doing what you did to me, I would probably do exactly what he is doing or some version of. If you really put yourself in his shoes, what do you think it would feel like to get the first and then the second message from you asking for reassurance about you guys? It would make you feel pressure and not that positive or not that impressed with the other person, right?

 

I hope you make it through the next days by keeping yourself really busy and realize that you will be fine either way. If you can adopt that attitude, it's funny but it will make you more magnetic. Promise. Good luck

[ExpatInItaly]

This might be the ideal time to work on those anxieties, OP.

 

If they're coming out like this and rendering you this distressed over a guy you've only seen a few times, it would be beneficial to seek some help in dealing with your emotions so you can lead a more peaceful life.

[anna121]

Should I send one last message saying look I know I went a bit ott there. I'm sorry ? I really don't want it to be over! I know he liked me! Even on Monday night he snapchattwd mw telling me I was so gorgeous !

 

No. Don't do that.