NCAC Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Hey all- Just looking for some advice! So, I've been chatting to this guy for about 4 months now pretty constant non stop- getting to know each other. For various reasons work, and not free at the weekends/ going home to visit family etc, we only met up for the first time about a month ago. Since then we have met up about 4 times weekly and contact talking etc. We've went out for dinner 3 times and the last time he came over to mine to watch a movie and get a takeaway. On Thursday just gone -He ended up staying over and one thing let to another etc etc. We had a great time. The next morning I had work so we kissed goodbye. He texted me to see I got into work ok blah blah.. I just laid the cards on the table and said I said that happened a bit too soon heated in the moment. He said he was interested in me and that he didn't think any less of me. So this is Friday and he was going to a festival for three days. So over the weekend I didn't hear from him - the longest it would have been since we started talking. So Monday (Yesterday) night I texted to see how he was- he said he was very very hungover etc and was shattered. I was like i feel you've lost interest since we slept together and he was like no you're wrong where the hell would you get that from! Is it because we didn't chat while I was at the festival and I was like no- cause it's not I was just getting a funny vibe and being insecure and paro. He said he wasn't really full of conversation as he wasn't great shape after a heavy weekend. He's been off work today but barley being online so I guess he's slept most of the day cause We has a brief chat this am he said his gran was coming over. Am I being totally paro or his is just still hungover? I messaged him a couple of hours ago asking how he was feeling but he's not been online or seen it- I image he is asleep. Any reassurance out there would be great! I'm not keen to waste energy/time on him. I really don't think he was looking for just a one night stand as we had talked about what we were looking for before and he said he wasn't looking for that.
angel.eyes Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 What people say and what people do aren't necessarily the same thing. Focus on actions and behavior. That being said, I don't expect texts and calls from sleeping people! Observe what he does in a day or two when he's recovered, or better yet, next week. Out of curiosity, why didn't you go to the festival with him? 1
BDJ_1 Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Had you been meeting "4 times weekly" or "4 times, weekly"?
Author NCAC Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 We have been meeting once a week over the past month so in total 4 time in the month
caveman621 Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I think you're being paranoid. Let him recover then see if he returns to the usual. 1
Author NCAC Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 What people say and what people do aren't necessarily the same thing. Focus on actions and behavior. That being said, I don't expect texts and calls from sleeping people! Observe what he does in a day or two when he's recovered, or better yet, next week. Out of curiosity, why didn't you go to the festival with him? I didn't go to the festival as it was sold out. I was going of another gig in town that weekend so I had no interest in going plus I wouldn't of know anyone as none of my friends would of been there. He gets severe hangovers so maybe its just a case of him being asleep and not wanted to talk to anyone. I go home for a family event this week from Thurs-Sun. I had suggested was tomorrow date night to him in a message as it's often Weds for some reason he's yet to read that. Any particular actions/behaviors I should note?
Author NCAC Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 I think you're being paranoid. Let him recover then see if he returns to the usual. Yeah I feel I might be paranoid and jumping the gun a little bit myself. Just not too sure you know how your mind wanders. I just would rather know than be left questioning and going into panic mode!
angel.eyes Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Yeah I feel I might be paranoid and jumping the gun a little bit myself. Just not too sure you know how your mind wanders. I just would rather know than be left questioning and going into panic mode! The worst thing to do is to take your panic and accuse the person when there may be no basis for that accusation. Even if nothing had changed, going psycho can be a turn off. In terms of what to look for, it will be very easy since it sounds as if you guys communicated constantly before. Either, you'll resume that pattern in a few days after he recovers, or communication will fizzle because he's fading. If someone's fading, first you notice that you're the one always initiating contact, whereas before he did or it was 50:50. He'll take longer and longer to respond even though he's still actively doing other things online. His answers will get shorter and shorter, and you'll be the one putting in the effort to keep the conversation going. Then finally he won't always respond. Just look for a consistent change in your pattern of interaction over the next several weeks. And please lay off the accusations. Those will only hurt you in this situation.
Author NCAC Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 The worst thing to do is to take your panic and accuse the person when there may be no basis for that accusation. Even if nothing had changed, going psycho can be a turn off. In terms of what to look for, it will be very easy since it sounds as if you guys communicated constantly before. Either, you'll resume that pattern in a few days after he recovers, or communication will fizzle because he's fading. If someone's fading, first you notice that you're the one always initiating contact, whereas before he did or it was 50:50. He'll take longer and longer to respond even though he's still actively doing other things online. His answers will get shorter and shorter, and you'll be the one putting in the effort to keep the conversation going. Then finally he won't always respond. Just look for a consistent change in your pattern of interaction over the next several weeks. And please lay off the accusations. Those will only hurt you in this situation. Right so he's been online and is still ignoring me he hasn't opened any of my what's app from yesterday or my snapchats. I have no patience and sent a few the morn asking why he was clearly ignoring me and he's still been online and nothing- I literally didn't do anything. So my head is actaully melted! Help!!!!!!
Sara1989 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 Right so he's been online and is still ignoring me he hasn't opened any of my what's app from yesterday or my snapchats. I have no patience and sent a few the morn asking why he was clearly ignoring me and he's still been online and nothing- I literally didn't do anything. So my head is actaully melted! Help!!!!!! Oh my...girl you ruined this. You made him run for the hills. If you sleep with a man, OWN IT. Never the next day say you regretted it, never show your insecurity by saying "I feel your pulling away after we slept together..." "Why are you ignoring me?" Clingy and he could be seeing a bunny boiler in his mind. You only been dating for a month, no excuse for this behavior. Look I am not judging as I acted the same way a couple of times but all it does it make the guy run. Take a step back now, leave him alone and see if he comes back. If not then learn from this. 3
hercules22 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 give him a few days 3 day festivals take a toll on you who knows he could of jumped on drugs as it popular for those big events
Author NCAC Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 The worst thing to do is to take your panic and accuse the person when there may be no basis for that accusation. Even if nothing had changed, going psycho can be a turn off. In terms of what to look for, it will be very easy since it sounds as if you guys communicated constantly before. Either, you'll resume that pattern in a few days after he recovers, or communication will fizzle because he's fading. If someone's fading, first you notice that you're the one always initiating contact, whereas before he did or it was 50:50. He'll take longer and longer to respond even though he's still actively doing other things online. His answers will get shorter and shorter, and you'll be the one putting in the effort to keep the conversation going. Then finally he won't always respond. Just look for a consistent change in your pattern of interaction over the next several weeks. And please lay off the accusations. Those will only hurt you in this situation. Right so he's been online and is still ignoring me he hasn't opened any of my what's app from yesterday or my snapchats. I have no patience and sent a few the morn asking why he was clearly ignoring me and he's still been online and nothing- I literally didn't do anything. So my head is actaully melted! Help!!!!!!
Author NCAC Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 Oh my...girl you ruined this. You made him run for the hills. If you sleep with a man, OWN IT. Never the next day say you regretted it, never show your insecurity by saying "I feel your pulling away after we slept together..." "Why are you ignoring me?" Clingy and he could be seeing a bunny boiler in his mind. You only been dating for a month, no excuse for this behavior. Look I am not judging as I acted the same way a couple of times but all it does it make the guy run. Take a step back now, leave him alone and see if he comes back. If not then learn from this. Yeah I've ****ed it all up big time now. Here in work feeling like an absolute idiot ! Just don't understand why someone wouldn't just write back and say look I'm sorry it's not going anywhere or look I'm hanging from the festival Will talk soon! Why would he say it was all ok when he's clearly ignoring me ughhhhhhhh
Author NCAC Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 give him a few days 3 day festivals take a toll on you who knows he could of jumped on drugs as it popular for those big events Even if he had been, he's back in work today and I know he's just clearly ignoring me. Instead of saying look it all good or we need to cut ties why ignore like ughhh men why do they do this they know they send Women into panic mode
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 OP, here's the rub: secure and confident women don't immediately go into panic mode and shoot off an accusatory message. Instead, they state their concerns and then step back. They observe. If I were you, I would have taken that step back after you asked him if he was losing interest. I would have watched and seen how long it took him to respond. I can absolutely understand that you were irritated but sending him that message about ignoring you was not the right move to figure out what was really up with him. You might be right that he is pulling away. But keep in mind that you slept with him and then essentially told him you regretted it. You're also sending mixed signals, girl. 1
Author NCAC Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 OP, here's the rub: secure and confident women don't immediately go into panic mode and shoot off an accusatory message. Instead, they state their concerns and then step back. They observe. If I were you, I would have taken that step back after you asked him if he was losing interest. I would have watched and seen how long it took him to respond. I can absolutely understand that you were irritated but sending him that message about ignoring you was not the right move to figure out what was really up with him. You might be right that he is pulling away. But keep in mind that you slept with him and then essentially told him you regretted it. You're also sending mixed signals, girl. I didn't say I regretted it at all! I've not sent any mixed messages he knew I liked him now I'm feeling so so so low and crap how can things change over night
angel.eyes Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 (edited) Even if he had been, he's back in work today and I know he's just clearly ignoring me. Instead of saying look it all good or we need to cut ties why ignore like ughhh men why do they do this they know they send Women into panic mode No they don't. Secure women who are comfortable with their choices and actions don't behave this way. There was no need to jump into panic mode and accuse him of using you the day after you slept with him. You knew where he was--at a festival. You knew he was sleeping afterwards. Yet you went nuts anyway because you felt panicked. That's your problem, not his. Many people would see you as unstable and either back away or put you on a very short leash in terms of this happening again. We told you to back off and observe. Instead you continued to panic and send him angry messages, nailing your own coffin shut. Almost no one (guy or woman) wants to deal with an insecure, clingy person who goes off the deep end over minor things. That's unnecessary drama and neediness in their lives. At this point there's nothing to salvage. Personally, if I went off to a festival, and the person I was newly dating chose not to come, but then proceeded to send me angry messages about using him, I would think about a whole future with that type of insecurity, and move on. The second round of angry messages? "Phew! Bullet dodged." Edited June 28, 2017 by angel.eyes
angel.eyes Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 I didn't say I regretted it at all! I've not sent any mixed messages he knew I liked him now I'm feeling so so so low and crap how can things change over night When you send angry messages to someone accusing them of using you, you're basically conveying that you regretted your choices. Things changed over a few days because of how you behave. Learn from it...or you'll react the same way next go around.
Author NCAC Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 When you send angry messages to someone accusing them of using you, you're basically conveying that you regretted your choices. Things changed over a few days because of how you behave. Learn from it...or you'll react the same way next go around. I never said I felt used though ugh I can't deal I'm such a dope. There is no way to savage this is there?
Author NCAC Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 No they don't. Secure women who are comfortable with their choices and actions don't behave this way. There was no need to jump into panic mode and accuse him of using you the day after you slept with him. You knew where he was--at a festival. You knew he was sleeping afterwards. Yet you went nuts anyway because you felt panicked. That's your problem, not his. Many people would see you as unstable and either back away or put you on a very short leash in terms of this happening again. We told you to back off and observe. Instead you continued to panic and send him angry messages, nailing your own coffin shut. Almost no one (guy or woman) wants to deal with an insecure, clingy person who goes off the deep end over minor things. That's unnecessary drama and neediness in their lives. At this point there's nothing to salvage am Personally, if I went off to a festival, and the person I was newly dating chose not to come, but then proceeded to send me angry messages about using him, I would think about a whole future with that type of insecurity, and move on. The second round of angry messages? "Phew! Bullet dodged." Who isn't insecure these days! It's not my fault! What can I do now to try fix things? I didn't sent anygry messages in just feeling hurt cause I'm A good decent girl who would never mess with someone's feelings
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 I didn't say I regretted it at all! I've not sent any mixed messages he knew I liked him now I'm feeling so so so low and crap how can things change over night OP, you told him it happened too soon. How is that not sending the message that you regret that decision? Anyway, what's done is done. If he wants to give this another shot, you will hear from him.
Redhead14 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 Hey all- Just looking for some advice! So, I've been chatting to this guy for about 4 months now pretty constant non stop- getting to know each other. For various reasons work, and not free at the weekends/ going home to visit family etc, we only met up for the first time about a month ago. Since then we have met up about 4 times weekly and contact talking etc. We've went out for dinner 3 times and the last time he came over to mine to watch a movie and get a takeaway. On Thursday just gone -He ended up staying over and one thing let to another etc etc. We had a great time. The next morning I had work so we kissed goodbye. He texted me to see I got into work ok blah blah.. I just laid the cards on the table and said I said that happened a bit too soon heated in the moment. He said he was interested in me and that he didn't think any less of me. So this is Friday and he was going to a festival for three days. So over the weekend I didn't hear from him - the longest it would have been since we started talking. So Monday (Yesterday) night I texted to see how he was- he said he was very very hungover etc and was shattered. I was like i feel you've lost interest since we slept together and he was like no you're wrong where the hell would you get that from! Is it because we didn't chat while I was at the festival and I was like no- cause it's not I was just getting a funny vibe and being insecure and paro. He said he wasn't really full of conversation as he wasn't great shape after a heavy weekend. He's been off work today but barley being online so I guess he's slept most of the day cause We has a brief chat this am he said his gran was coming over. Am I being totally paro or his is just still hungover? I messaged him a couple of hours ago asking how he was feeling but he's not been online or seen it- I image he is asleep. Any reassurance out there would be great! I'm not keen to waste energy/time on him. I really don't think he was looking for just a one night stand as we had talked about what we were looking for before and he said he wasn't looking for that. So Monday (Yesterday) night I texted to see how he was -- You reached out to him coming from a place of anxiety. Never do that. Anytime you are feeling anxious or reaching out because you are stressing/wondering, etc. all that comes out. He was at the festival and having a good time. You two haven't declared anything yet, so don't expect to be "treated" like a girlfriend. Yes, you slept together, but that doesn't behold him to you. You two slept together, you both own it and it doesn't become a binding contract. He did respond and he told you he was wiped out after the trip and was kinda tired and you reached out to him again! If I were you, I would have just sat back and waited for him to reach out and that's what you should do now. Let him come to you, if he's going to. Don't chase him.
angel.eyes Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 Who isn't insecure these days! It's not my fault! What can I do now to try fix things? I didn't sent anygry messages in just feeling hurt cause I'm A good decent girl who would never mess with someone's feelings Sorry, but most people aren't insecure. Texts accusing someone of using you constitute angry messages. Put yourself in the receiver's shoes. Honestly, would you have warm fuzzies if someone accused you of using them when there was no real basis for that? Would you be eager to reach out? Look at your role in what happened. Until you do, and take responsibility for your part in this, you'll continue to react this way whenever, to use your own words, "your head melts."
Author NCAC Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 So Monday (Yesterday) night I texted to see how he was -- You reached out to him coming from a place of anxiety. Never do that. Anytime you are feeling anxious or reaching out because you are stressing/wondering, etc. all that comes out. He was at the festival and having a good time. You two haven't declared anything yet, so don't expect to be "treated" like a girlfriend. Yes, you slept together, but that doesn't behold him to you. You two slept together, you both own it and it doesn't become a binding contract. He did respond and he told you he was wiped out after the trip and was kinda tired and you reached out to him again! If I were you, I would have just sat back and waited for him to reach out and that's what you should do now. Let him come to you, if he's going to. Don't chase him. I've just made a complete fool of myself he won't reach out now I doubt it. I have bad aniexity when it comes to these things and now i have ****ed up ywt again' like I know I'm an amazing person and he was crazy about me ugh I feel so lost now I'm welling up at my desk in work why is he continuing to ignore me! Why couldn't you just write back and say look it's done instead of This ghosting ****e
Redhead14 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a man, even if they've seen each other a few times, she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless and until they show her otherwise. If they tell you they are looking for a relationship for themselves as a dating goal, let them demonstrate that by maintaining contact consistently and scheduling dates. And, look at the big picture when other things are going on. You slept together and you knew there was an event he was going to so you could expect a little drop off during that time. If that wasn't going on, then I might wonder a little, but I would still sit back and observe.
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